k'telontour travel the world; but very S-L-O-W-L-Y...

C & H

2012-01-30T08:48:00.006+07:00

Surprising

2012-01-30T08:48:00.003+07:00

More money is spent on chicken noodle soup than any other canned food.

Super (Bowl) VFM?

2012-01-30T08:48:00.000+07:00

A 30 second commercial slot at this year's Super Bowl, will cost $3.5 million (~£2.2 million), according to television executives, which is up $500 000 from last year.

More madness.

Pick a Day, Any Day

2012-01-30T08:46:00.003+07:00

Hundreds of acts, from acrobats to orchestras have ushered in the Year of the Dragon in London, in what is apparently the largest Chinese New Year party outside of China.

London's Trafalgar Square became a riot of colour yesterday (Sunday) as thousands of people gathered to enjoy the festivities, which included a giant firecracker display and the traditional dancing dragons.

So why was it a week late?

That's That Then

2012-01-30T08:44:00.000+07:00

The idea that women cannot park is a fallacy, according to research, which indicated that female drivers are more adept than men at manoeuvring into a space. Covert* surveillance of car parks across Britain has shown that while women may take longer to park, they are more likely to leave their vehicles in the middle of a bay.

The study is one of the most comprehensive ever conducted on gender driving differences, and took into account seven key components of parking styles.

Women were also found to be better at finding spaces, more accurate in lining themselves up before starting each manoeuvre, and more likely to adopt instructors’** preferred method of reversing into bays.

Men were shown to be more skilled at driving forwards into spaces and more confident overall, with fewer opting to reposition their car once in a bay.

Hardly something we weren't aware of before, I can't quite grasp the need for such research. It only adds fuel to the smouldering fire and achieves exactly what?

*Don't they call that "spying"?

**What, these same instructors that suggest not crossing hands when turning, that only Plod adhere to?

Bold Faced

2012-01-30T08:38:00.000+07:00

In 1982, the typographic font used for the "m" on M & Ms was changed from Bookman to Garamond Bold.

This switch cost Mars the manufacturers $8.6 million dollars.

All in the Name

2012-01-30T08:33:00.000+07:00

Sometimes, you can just tell that TV writers enjoy giving ridiculous names to the characters they create. Whether it’s a funny rhyme, play on words or just outright silly collection of syllables, there have been more than a few TV characters with pretty hilarious names. Guyism offers the following:

10 Chandler Bing – Friends

Given that his parents were an erotic novelist and cross-dressing burlesque dancer, it’s not really a surprise that Chandler Bing has such a ridiculous name. Further adding insult to injury, his middle name is Muriel. Although, I guess he should count himself lucky that his name isn’t the same as what is printed on his TV Guide subscription: “Chanandler Bong.”

9 Nescobar-A-Lop-Lop – My Name is Earl

There are a number of funny-named TV characters in My Name is Earl (Earl Hickey, Frank Stump, Willie the One-Eyed Mailman, Patty the Daytime Hooker, etc.) However, it’s hard to beat out the ESL African immigrant who goes by the name Nescobar-A-Lop-Lop.

8 Beaver Cleaver – Leave it to Beaver

Theodore “Beaver” Cleaver just may very well be the original funny-named TV character. Apparently, the nickname comes from the fact that his older brother was too young to properly speak the boy’s actual name when he was born -– a fact that resulted in him misspeaking “Theodore” as “Beaver.”

7 “Big Pussy” Bonpensiero – The Sopranos

Here’s another unfortunate nickname that has strong sexual undertones. Salvatore “Big Pussy” Bonpensiero started out as a cat burglar in his early days of crime. Add in the fact that Sal has a body frame that is best accommodated at a big and tall store, and it’s not hard to see where the affectionate term comes from.

6 Roseanne Roseannadanna – Saturday Night Live

If ever there was a tongue-twister of a name, this would be it. Portrayed by Gilda Radner on the early days of Saturday Night Live, the brash character often appeared on “Weekend Update” segments to answer questions on current events. Supposedly, the name is based off of real life news reporter Rose Ann Scamardella.

5 Luanne Platter – King of the Hill

Did you know that the Lu Ann Platter is a popular combo dinner at the restaurant chain Luby’s Cafeteria? If you don’t live in Texas, then you probably had no idea (as this is where Luby’s Restaurants can be found). Given that King of the Hill is largely a satire of suburban Texas living, this makes young Luanne’s name a nice hidden joke for those Texans who enjoy eating their fried chicken and macaroni from a cafeteria tray.

4 Dr. Beardface – Scrubs

Take a look at Beardface’s beardy face, and you might initially think that the name is a pleasant nickname for the aging doctor. However, as Beardface will inform you, it’s pronounced “Beard-fuh-say.” This fact suggests that it is just a coincidence that his name and facial hair are so accurately intertwined.

3 Boner Stabbone – Growing Pains

Here’s one last unfortunate nickname for the ages. Richard Milhous “Boner” Stabbone was one of Mike’s best friends in the early seasons of the show. For some reason, the TV writers were able to slip this fairly obvious sexual innuendo into the show.

2 Apu Nahasapeemapetilon – The Simpsons

Everyone’s favorite Kwik-E-Mart employee has one of the longest and most difficult names to pronounce in television history. Of course, Apu’s octuplet children boast names just as difficult to pronounce as his own. However, in one episode he proudly displays his love for America by changing their names to Lincoln, Freedom, Condoleezza, Coke, Pepsi, Manifest Destiny, Apple Pie and Superman.

1 Bob Loblaw – Arrested Development

The Law Office of Bob Loblaw became a central plot location in the later episodes of Arrested Development. Clearly similar to the affectation “blah blah blah,” the name is somewhat of a dig on the “double talk” that lawyers tend to spout. Given the pure simple genius of the name and ability to include such advertising phrases as “Bob Loblaw No Habla Espanol,” Mr. Loblaw tops our list of funniest TV character names.

Preposterous

2012-01-30T08:26:00.001+07:00

Students fans of Beyonce will soon be able to study for a diploma on their favourite subject, now Rutgers "University" has added her to the curriculum. While her husband, rapper Jay-Z, has already been honoured with a Georgetown University sociology course named after him, it's now Beyonce's turn to be "studied" in the classroom.
Rutgers University's Department of Women's and Gender Studies will soon be exploring the social and cultural significance of the Destiny's Child singer's music and image. The course, "Politicizing [sic] Beyonce", will allow followers to explore the singer's career and debate the extent of control she has over her own image. They will also debate whether her red hot persona is an outlet of female sexual empowerment or merely complying with western gender stereotypes.

Students will also discuss other iconic female singers including Lady Gaga, Billie Holiday and Nina Simone.

This is meant to be serious, right?

More Fixtures

2012-01-30T07:20:00.003+07:00

Tuesday, 31st January 2012- Barclays Premier League

Swansea v Chelsea, 19:45

Tottenham v Wigan, 19:45

Wolverhampton v Liverpool, 19:45

Everton v Man City, 20:00

Man Utd v Stoke, 20:00

Wednesday, 1st February 2012

Aston Villa v QPR, 19:45

Blackburn v Newcastle, 20:00

Bolton v Arsenal, 20:00

Fulham v West Brom, 20:00

Sunderland v Norwich, 20:00

I have a very bad feeling about Wigan.

Round 5

2012-01-30T07:09:00.001+07:00

FA Cup fifth round draw:

Liverpool v Brighton and Hove Albion
Everton v Blackpool or Sheffield Wednesday
Chelsea v Birmingham City
Crawley Town v Stoke City

Stevenage v Tottenham Hotspur

Norwich City v Leicester City
Sunderland or Middlesbrough v Arsenal or Aston Villa
Millwall or Southampton v Bolton Wanderers

All ties to be played the weekend of 18th and 19th February

I'm not complaining at that, but nowt is a given thing and the FA cup loves its underdogs.

Looking Precarious

2012-01-30T07:04:00.001+07:00

ICC TEST RANKINGS

England - 125 points
South Africa - 117
India - 111
Australia - 111
Pakistan - 99
Sri Lanka - 98
West Indies 88
New Zealand - 83
Bangladesh - 8

England need to beat Pakistan in the final Test of the series to be sure of retaining their number one spot in the rankings at the 1st April cut-off. Should England lose, they will finish on 118 points and South Africa will take over if they win all three Tests of their series against New Zealand in March.

If England draw the final Test in Dubai they will end on 119 points but still lose their status at the top of the rankings, by 0.01 of a point, provided South Africa sweep the Black Caps.

Pakistan are fifth but if they complete a 3-0 series win over England they will close the gap on India and Australia in third and fourth to only three points.

All to play for then, but I wonder when we'll see the next batting collapse- and which side it will be...

Enterprising

2012-01-30T06:59:00.003+07:00

Djokovic Rules

2012-01-30T06:59:00.002+07:00

World number one Novak Djokovic has labelled his historic Australian Open win against close rival Rafael Nadal as the greatest moment of his career. He outlasted the 10 time Grand Slam winner to clinch an epic five-setter that went five hours 53 minutes.

"It was the longest Grand Slam final of all time. Just hearing that fact makes me cry. Wimbledon is right up there because it is the tournament I always wanted to win. But this comes out on top."

The world number one edged a gripping battle with the second seed 5-7 6-4 6-2 6-7 (5-7) 7-5.

And footie players whinge at playing a few times a week?

Quote/Unquote

2012-01-30T06:54:00.001+07:00

"You are not superior just because you see the world in an odious light."

- Vicomte de Chateaubriand

Border Run

2012-01-30T06:52:00.002+07:00

Half way into our four month stay we will need to leave the Kingdom of Thailand, cross over a border and then return. It is a little daft as the cost of such a trip may perhaps be better off just going to the government as "visa renewal tax" instead of watching the money disappear into Cambodia or Laos, but they know what they are doing and I suppose it also brings in cash to the companies that operate these "border runs".

We haven't fully looked into it, but we will need to grab a bus (it takes around 7-8 hours to the nearest border), enter into a neighbouring country, pay a visa (usually in the region of $20 or so), obtain the necessary Thai re-entry stamp (free) and then face another 7-8 hour trip back. We could of course spend the night to break up the journey and I'm sure adequate accommodation would not be too extortionate, but it does seem very time consuming.

Or we could simply fly out to KL (Malaysia has to visa fee) in the morning and fly back in the afternoon, where each flight is around one and a half hours or so. I've checked out Air Asia flights and if we book early enough, it's around £30 per person per leg, which in the scheme of things is rather good.

We have options, that's the main thing.

Looking Ahead

2012-01-30T06:45:00.001+07:00

While we will be sad to leave Bangkok and the Imm/our friends, it is of course a welcome return to Cambodia/Siem Reap. We have good accommodation at the City River Hotel, we have Savong and his Foundation to catch up with and plenty of other distractions to keep us occupied for our three week plus stay.

The we have the best return to Bangkok to date when we come back in March. First off we have wifey's mum visiting for a nearly three weeks, then we have my cousin and her hubby joining us too. Joby is also threatening to pay us a visit and an email from Karl is suggesting he too could be with us in May.

But the icing on the cake is that we will have an almost four month, uninterrupted stay in Thailand, thanks to our multi-entry visa. Man, is that going to rock.

Impending Doom

2012-01-30T06:40:00.000+07:00

With under a week left before we head off to Cambodia, we turn our attention to packing. Once over this virus, we're going to have to go through two months of accumulated stuff to sort out what we want to keep, what we will be travelling with and what we have to sadly jettison.

That will be harrowing. :-(

Collateral Damage

2012-01-30T06:37:00.002+07:00

In the United States, for every $1 spent on fireworks, there is $12.46 worth of property damaged caused by them.

Bed Rest

2012-01-30T06:30:00.002+07:00

Means that there isn't much I've done worthy of posting. I am confined to bed, I watch TV and I sleep.

The Blog was initially meant to be a tale of our adventures as we travel around the world but it seems to have spawned into a mass of hotch-potch, verbal diarrhoea, where I post up all kinds of eclectic shite that catches my eye. Some good, some bad; a scatter gun effect.

It's become quite an unwieldy monster and coupled with our lack of travel (at least to new climes at the moment) means there isn't much personal stuff to relate. I do try to relate something new every day that we have done every day but on this occasion I can only ask you to see the opening sentences.

That's it for today...

My Well Being

2012-01-30T06:24:00.003+07:00

The sweaty-shakes have passed, the aching limbs are improving and the only real problem is a worsening cough, which is painful as it causes a splitting headache. I reckon another day or two in bed and I'll see the back of it.

Thanks for asking. :o)

C & H

2012-01-29T10:54:00.004+07:00

Time For Bed

2012-01-29T10:54:00.000+07:00

Sorry folks. I've given it my best but I'm feeling worse and I need to go back to bed. We'll catch up tomorrow but we'll leave you with C & H next.

What's Your Tipple?

2012-01-29T10:52:00.004+07:00

Poisoning is the most common form of political assassination by a three to one margin.

Travel Travails- 10

2012-01-29T10:52:00.001+07:00

10 Cruise tipping
The problem
There is nothing that flusters British travellers more than tipping. When? Who? How much? It’s a minefield. The Americans are to blame. Not only do they tip anything that moves, but they do it so generously they put the rest of us on the spot. Knowing who and how much to tip is a particular problem on tailor-made tours, treks and safaris, where you’re faced with a phalanx of drivers, guides, hotel staff and waiters to “thank”. And cruise holidays are tricky too, particularly for novices.
On some ships, you will find in your cabin at the end of the voyage envelopes in which you are expected to place tips. On others, charges of between £4 and £8 a day are added automatically to each passenger’s shipboard account to cover tips – in addition to service charges of up to 15 per cent on bar orders, and up to 18 per cent for spa treatments. You can ask to have the daily levy removed from your bill, but it’s an awkward request.
The solution
When you book, you need to be told clearly which charges are included and what you are expected to tip for a reasonable level of service. Some operators provide in advance details of exactly how much per day you are expected to tip guides and camp staff. This means you can calculate the extra cost before going and not have to scrabble at the bottom of your bag for change. The cruise line Saga and some of the luxury lines, such as Seabourn, SeaDream and Silversea, include all extras, including service charges, in the cost of the holiday. Then, if you do want to tip for exceptional service, it becomes the voluntary gesture of appreciation it once was.

Travel Travails- 9

2012-01-29T10:51:00.000+07:00

9 Hotel reviews
The problem
User-generated content has become hugely important in travel. TripAdvisor is leading the way and now claims to be the biggest travel site of them all with some 50 million users a month. It wields enormous power, and the hotel industry knows it. Many within the industry manipulate its reviews. And who can blame them? A series of good or bad TripAdvisor reviews has a huge impact on our travelling habits. But too many times one reads that a hotel is the best in the world, only to scroll down and find it described as the worst. Can that really be possible?
TripAdvisor claims to be self-policing and to have safeguards, but too often these have been exposed. It is a genuinely great concept that is a victim of its own success.
The solution
Simple. People should be allowed to leave reviews only if they can prove they have visited the hotel or restaurant they are reviewing. The likes of Expedia and Hotels.com manage that. For as long as there is anonymity, questions over trust and reliability will always be present.

Travel Travails- 8

2012-01-29T10:50:00.000+07:00

8 In-flight niggles
The problem
There is one thing that adds greatly to air passengers’ sense of being herded like farm animals, and that is the way they are treated in economy class. While airlines have poured millions into redesigning club class to offer flat beds and a civilised atmosphere, the vast majority who travel at the back of the plane (and pay for their seats with their own money) have seen virtually no improvements whatsoever.
In fact, things have got worse. Meals – as inedible as ever – now frequently have to be paid for, service is agonisingly slow, any flight longer than two or three hours becomes an endurance test, and – because of the pitiful amount of legroom – overnight flying is agony. Even flagship airlines, such as British Airways, offer among the most cramped conditions, with only a 31in pitch (the distance between one seat back and another).
The solution
A few airlines manage to offer a 34in pitch – a 10 per cent improvement on the normal layout: these include Malaysia, Thai and Air New Zealand – all airlines that also have a decent reputation for service. It’s time the others caught up.

Travel Travails- 7

2012-01-29T10:49:00.000+07:00

7 Airport misery
The problem
Queues and crowds seem to induce a strange reaction in the people charged with managing them. They forget that the lines of bored, tired and frustrated travellers are not sheep to be penned up until it is convenient to move them on. They are individuals who require looking after.
The most extreme example of this came last October when an Air India flight from Mumbai, bound for a fog-blanketed Heathrow, was diverted to Gatwick and left sitting on the Tarmac for nine hours, the airline refusing to let those on board disembark. But a failure to understand the needs of individuals is pervasive at lower levels, and nowhere more so than in airports, where delays and queuing – at check-in, security, boarding, before take-off, during holding patterns before landing, immigration and baggage retrieval – are endemic.
The solution
There is no doubt that the enormous pressure of flights and passengers on London’s overstretched airports makes them particularly prone to delays and passenger frustration. More capacity is desperately needed. In the meantime, Terminal Five at Heathrow shows that well-designed terminals can make flying more pleasurable. Elsewhere, a simple recognition among staff that queues are composed of individual customers – not ill-deserving children – would make a world of difference.

Travel Travails- 6

2012-01-29T10:48:00.000+07:00

6 Unfair fares
The problem
Put simply, there is a shameless manipulation of pricing clearly designed to give customers the impression that fares and holidays are cheaper than they really are. Once we have been drawn in by what is seemingly a bargain price, extras – for baggage, payment cards, airline meals, administration, under-occupancy, regional departures, resort transfers and so on – are gradually added during the booking process in the expectation that the weary consumer has invested so much time in the booking that he or she will sigh – and carry on. Airlines and tour operators argue that this approach to pricing gives customers more choice and lowers costs for those who don’t want extras. But it’s boring, time-consuming and confusing for passengers and customers. The only other services sold in such an unclear way are electricity and gas. And the utilities companies have promised to reform their pricing policies.
The solution
Telegraph Travel has been campaigning for greater clarity in the pricing of flights and holidays for many years. Recently there have been signs that some government agencies are willing to take a more proactive approach. The Advertising Standards Authority recently ruled against a lack of clarity in TUI’s offers of free child places, and the Office of Fair Trading has criticised inflated charges for credit and debit card bookings. More clarity is desperately needed.

Travel Travails- 5

2012-01-29T10:47:00.000+07:00

5 Single supplements
The problem
Most single people accept that they have to pay a little more for their holiday. They know that hotels and cruise ships are loath to accept half what they could earn from a double room or cabin. The problem is that singles often end up having to pay the extra cost even though they are given a single room – one that is too small to be sold to a couple. These are often at the back of the hotel, or the less desirable locations such as over the kitchens or service areas – they do not represent good value, or fair treatment.
The solution
Some operators are becoming more imaginative about offering holidays free of supplements, though usually this is confined to the off or shoulder season. If a hotel or cruise ship knows it is not going to sell out, there is little excuse for exploiting solo travellers. Much more effort can and should be made to accommodate them at a fair price.

Travel Travails- 4

2012-01-29T10:46:00.003+07:00

4 Holiday protection
The problem
In a word, confusion. Most package holidays are protected through schemes such as Atol so that customers who have paid in advance get a refund if the travel agent or tour operator fails before they are due to travel, or they are repatriated if stranded abroad. But there are many loopholes, and it can be hard to be sure where you stand.
For example, there is no legal requirement for an airline to cover you under the Atol scheme if you book a flight and hotel through its website. Some do offer cover (BA Holidays, for example), many don’t. Some passengers are covered on a flight-only booking with a scheduled airline; many aren’t.
The solution
Holiday protection is currently under review, and some improvements are expected next year. One important development will be the issuing of certificates to all those who are covered. But holiday bookings on airline websites may be covered for at least two years; and most flight-only arrangements will still be excluded. Only when all air passengers are automatically covered will travellers be able to rest easy.

Travel Travails- 3

2012-01-29T10:45:00.003+07:00

3 Hotel charges
The problem
How often have you gone to settle a hotel bill only to find the goodbye-and-thank-you smile freeze on your face as you take in the final tally – and the sheaf of extra charges. In the past year, and at various hotels charging £150 a night and more, readers have complained of having to pay £40 for a bottle of wine with dinner (because there was nothing cheaper on the list), £22 for ironing a couple of shirts (there was no ironing board), £6 for a couple of bottles of water from the minibar and more than £5 an hour for Wi-Fi use. According to a recent Which? report, many hotels charge for internet access over 24 hours, which can set you back more than £20 a day. Given that Wi-Fi access doesn’t cost the hotel anything – and that many do not charge for the privilege – it is impossible not to feel that you are being fleeced.
The solution
Hotels should make internet access fully free; and throw in two 33ml bottles of (still) water without charge. And how about some affordable wines on the menu?

Travel Travails- 2

2012-01-29T10:44:00.003+07:00

2 Costly rail
The problem
With its 15-minute journey time from London Paddington to the airport, the Heathrow Express is undoubtedly the speediest, most efficient and least painful way of travelling to and from the capital and Britain’s premier airline hub. It is also, at £34 return, one of the most exorbitant per mile train trips in the world. The Gatwick Express (£33.20 return from London Victoria) and the Stansted Express (£31.50 return from London Liverpool Street) are almost as bad. Rail travel in Britain generally can often prove prohibitively expensive.
A member of the Telegraph Travel team wanting a last-minute return ticket from London to Newcastle recently ended up paying £289 for the privilege. Trains are rightly hailed as “greener”, more passenger-friendly alternatives to planes, but at these prices the pleasure is hugely diminished.
The solution
We may have some of the most expensive fares in the world, but if you research carefully we also have some of the cheapest. To get those, travel outside peak hours and book well ahead and online (preferably on the train lines’ own websites or through redspottedhanky.com). Alternatively, coaches are almost always cheaper; flights can be too.
For travel to and from the airports, look for cheaper options: if you don’t want the hassle of the tube, the Heathrow Connect, for instance, between Paddington and Heathrow, takes 10 minutes longer but costs just £18.20 return. If there are three or four of you, taking a minicab may prove cheaper. Or you could drive (but then you face the exorbitant cost of airport parking).
Here’s another option: jump on the Eurostar to Paris (from £69 return from London St Pancras).

Travel Travails- 1

2012-01-29T10:43:00.003+07:00

1 Air passenger duty
The problem
British air passengers are already the most heavily taxed in the world. Last year, the Treasury collected almost twice as much in passenger taxes (£2.2 billion) as all other European countries combined. Seemingly every year the Government increases taxes on air passengers, despite howls of opposition from all across the industry.
The Government has refused to remove any of the obvious iniquities of APD – those flying to the Caribbean are charged more than those going to the United States, passengers in premium economy pay the same as those lying flat in first class. And still, private jets are not taxed. At least the Government has finally admitted that APD is not a “green” tax.
The solution
In the current economic climate it might not be realistic to repeal this iniquitous tax (as the Dutch and Belgians have done), but it must be reduced, not least to save more routes from being cut, to protect the economies of tourism-dependent regions and to enable Britons to afford their annual holiday.
Furthermore, let’s give our Caribbean friends a break and straighten out the banding issues that deter people from visiting the islands and, of course, include private jets – not only are they the most environmentally unfriendly form of transport but they carry the people who can most afford to pay the tax. More than 45,000 Telegraph readers have signed our petition against APD. To join them, go to telegraph.co.uk/apd.

TTel

Buy V Rent

2012-01-29T10:35:00.005+07:00

Home owners who have taken out recent deals typically pay £600 a month for a three bedroom house, amounting to £116 or 16% less than the average of £716 paid a month for renting one.

Wales is the only area of the UK where renting is cheaper than buying, with owning a home costing £5 a month more than renting.

Buying is most affordable relative to renting in London, with the average borrower paying £1 089, 10.2% less per month than the typical private tenant.

The overall figures show a significant about-turn since 2008, when the average cost of owning a home was £928, 29% higher than typical monthly rental costs of £721.

Always assuming you can dig up the deposit and find a bank who will offer you a mortgage.

Getting Chilly

2012-01-29T10:33:00.005+07:00

After one of the mildest winters on record, a weather system from Siberia could see night time temperatures fall as low as -9 C in some areas.

The Met Office has issued a "Level 2" cold weather health warning for England, running from 18:00 tonight (Sunday) until Wednesday morning.

The severe weather comes with high ground in northern England and Scotland already under a blanket of snow. More than two inches fell over the Pennines on Friday and on Saturday. In parts of Cheshire, roads were closed on Saturday by heavy snow and ice, while on Friday night around 100 cars become stuck in snow near Castleton, Derbyshire.

Across County Durham, heavy snow flurries also led to perfect sledging conditions.

Snow in Durham? Who'd have thought it?

Howzat?

2012-01-29T10:29:00.000+07:00

Chocolate Philadelphia

2012-01-29T10:15:00.000+07:00

Kraft foods (who took over Cadbury) have announced they are taking Britain's most famous chocolate brand "in a new direction"- by pairing it with cream cheese.

Philadelphia with Cadbury is a "chilled chocolate spread" made from Philadelphia Light and Cadbury chocolate. Kraft has high hopes for the new product, and expects to rake in £10 million in sales in the first year alone.

With 86 calories per 30 g serving, the brand are targeting "guilty snackers", hoping they'll eat the spread as an alternative to Nutella. Expect to see the new line in the shops from 1st February.

I can see that working- we have sweet cheese cakes, so why not add chocolate? Don't think I'll bother personally though.

I Have a Vision

2012-01-29T10:01:00.002+07:00

DAVID Cameron is acting as if he is the dictator of the People's Republic of Gaydonia, the Archbishop of York has claimed.

Spritzer believed that heterosexual intercourse made your teeth fall out

John Sentamu said the prime minister's insistence on legalising gay marriage reminded him of Johann Spritzer, the notorious despot who created Gaydonia in 1912.

Sentamu said: "Spritzer staged a coup, threw out the democratically elected government, changed the name of the country from British Honduras and forced everyone to be gay.

"Vicars were forced to marry two men who were being forced to marry each other. Luckily there was plenty of food otherwise the entire country would have died of starvation."

He added: "Mr Cameron wants to turn Britain into 'New Gaydonia' despite there being absolutely no mention of it in the Bible.

"If New Gaydonia was meant to happen it would be right there in the New Testament alongside heart transplants and the MMR vaccine. Jesus said 'let the little children come unto me for vaccination' he did not say 'let the little children be flower girls at the wedding of Brian and Steve'.

"And anyway it is not the job of the state to define marriage, it is the job of the state to give tax breaks to encourage it. It will be defined by me and some of my friends."

Archbishop Sentamu is also calling for primary schools to teach the 'tragic history' of Gaydonia so that children can learn about the dangers of a state founded on the principles of non-traditional intercourse.

After a surge in economic growth Gaydonia suffered a prolonged slump as most of the population were highly-skilled white collar professionals but no-one knew how to fix a toilet.

Following Spritzer's death in 1955 the country reverted to a multi-sexual democracy and changed its name to Belize.

DM

Immoral

2012-01-29T09:59:00.002+07:00

OK, I'm not a fan of Athletics, much less the bloated and over-hyped Olympics, but I do see that having been dumped with hosting them this year, ~~England~~ London has to make it worthwhile. However, to spend £27million on the opening ceremony is quite simply obscene. In fact, that figure rises to £81 million if you include the closing parades (Paralympics).

Yes, there are advantages (advertising is rumoured to be worth up to £5 billion in airtime exposure) but what's wrong with the good old style of getting the competing teams to take a lap around the stadium with their flags? I think it's all wrong and to justify it by saying they will be spending a lot less than the previous two Games does not justify this horrendous waste of money.

Cast of 15 000 volunteers
23 000 costumes
12 hours of music
60 musicians
15 000 sq metres of staging
13 000 propos
one million watt PA system with 500 speakers

You can read more at the BBC

Making Convo

2012-01-29T09:45:00.002+07:00

One in eight people flying on an aeroplane will learn the name and occupation of someone previously unknown to them while on the flight.

I'm struggling to recall if I have ever had that happen to us- and we fly quite a bit.

FA Cup Next Round

2012-01-29T09:45:00.000+07:00

Two fourth-round matches are still to be played today: Sunderland host Middlesbrough before Arsenal entertain Aston Villa, with the draw for the next round taking place between them. The fifth round games will be played on the weekend of 18th-19th February.

Boycott 's Verdict

2012-01-29T09:42:00.003+07:00

Former England captain Geoffrey Boycott has described England's performance in the 72-run Test defeat by Pakistan as one of the worst he has ever witnessed. Andrew Strauss's side were bundled out for 72 on the fourth day in Abu Dhabi as Pakistan clinched the series. Boycott said:

"I've seen some poor performances in 25 years of playing and 23 years of commentating and that's as bad as I've seen. What a load of rubbish. You have to see it to believe it how poor it was.

They've got enough back room staff being paid a fortune, they're the number one side in the world, but have never won on the sub-continent and on this performance never will."

It was a display that made a mockery of England's position at the top of the Test rankings and showed just how much work they have to do to become a force on slow, turning pitches.

More at the BBC

Pathetic

2012-01-29T09:40:00.003+07:00

Pakistan beat England by 72 runs

Pakistan 1st Innings 257 all out (96.4 overs)	Pakistan 2nd Innings 214 all out (99.2 overs)
England 1st Innings 327 all out (112.0 overs)	England 2nd Innings 72 all out (36.1 overs)

Simply awful- and England are the best Test side in the world?

Full FA Cup Results

2012-01-29T09:37:00.000+07:00

Oh Shite

2012-01-29T09:36:00.000+07:00

I confidently convinced wifey that Newcastle would breeze past Brighton and lo and behold, they get beaten 1-0. I'm hoping that because I'm not feeling too well she'll go easy on me...

Quote/Unquote

2012-01-29T09:33:00.001+07:00

"No man is exempt from saying silly things; the mischief is to say them deliberately."

- Michel de Montaigne

Sounds About Right

2012-01-29T09:32:00.001+07:00

The average age of the spectators at the December, 2007 Led Zeppelin concert was 47 years, four months.

They'd be the only people who could afford the price of a ticket...

Not Feeling too Good

2012-01-29T09:25:00.000+07:00

Around about lunch time yesterday I started to get the shakes and while feeling terribly cold, began sweating profusely. A nasty cough, a pounding headache and aching limbs all don't bode too well for the next few days and certainly not the best way to see out our final week in Bangkok.

I'll be spending most of today in bed and hope it's a 24 hour bug, but at the moment I'm certainly not feeling myself and won't be on the Blog too much until I feel considerably better. :-(

First Thai Filum

2012-01-29T09:22:00.002+07:00

Was what we watched last night, called "Me, Myself".

We're getting a bit fed up of same, same and finally found a Thai movie with English subtitles.

A gentle tale of humour, grief, life and romance,it centres around a man called Tan, who has lost his memory after being knocked down by Oom, a professional women about to get promotion. Due to her accident, she has to take him in and look after him and that is how a budding relationship begins.

Ultimately, Tans memory recovers and he realises all is not that it seems- with devastating consequences for all concerned.

I could offer more detail but it will spoil the story (SPOILER ALERT: there's a clue in the previous post) but I doubt anyone will bother to track this movie down, which is a shame. It's definitely worth a look.

Dude Looks Like a Lady

2012-01-29T09:14:00.004+07:00

Just back from holiday in Thailand and l came so close to shagging a ladyboy.

Looked like a lady, walked like a lady, talked like a lady, kissed like a lady!

It was when she drove me to her place and reversed her car into a space first time...

l thought "hang on a minute..."

C & H

2012-01-28T12:39:00.002+07:00

Nice Touch

2012-01-28T12:38:00.004+07:00

The crew of the Finnair flight AY201, which was flying from Helsinki to New Delhi broke out into dance moves reminiscent of an Indian blockbuster. Around 24 of the airline's crew emerged in traditional Indian attire, then proceeded to dance in a choreographed fashion to Bollywood music.

Finnair employees said the dance was intended to commemorate India’s 63rd Republic Day.

Welcome to Britland

2012-01-28T12:36:00.000+07:00

A shopper and her young granddaughter spent 75 minutes trapped in a supermarket lift after health and safety rules stopped staff pushing a button to rescue them, it is claimed.

Although staff attended the emergency they couldn't touch a control button to release the lift because they "weren't qualified" and instead, a trained technician was called out and he simply pressed the same button to free them- and hour and 15 minutes later.

Read both sides of the conflicting story at TTel

Some Good Stuff Here

2012-01-28T12:33:00.003+07:00

This sign was posted on Seattle's "Tangletown" neighborhood (southwest of Greenlake).(Link)

This sign was posted in North Carolina; and I think we have a lot in common, I love to sing “The Andy Griffith Show” song too!
(Link)

Nice cat! I think I'm going to take it home!(Link)
(Link)

Was the dog off his medication when they took this picture?(Link)

I just wonder how does a chicken look when it is unhappy…?(Link)

(Link)

The biggest cat I've ever seen!(Link)

That's easy to find!(Link)

(Link)

(Link)

This is the evidence that unicorns are not just in fairy tale books!(Link)

It's a Start

2012-01-28T12:31:00.000+07:00

Two holidays a year, meaningful conversation twice a week and cuddles 11 times in a fortnight are among the secrets to a happy marriage include, a study has revealed.

It shows that couples benefit from taking a short break away together twice a year and eating out in restaurants at least three times a month, and it pays to be affectionate, as wedded folk tend to share a lingering kiss six times a week, have sex twice a week and say "I love you" up to nine times a fortnight.

However, it doesn't need to be sweetness and light the whole time- as the average happy couple has at least one healthy argument a week.

So what about being on a permanent holiday, eating out daily and having the time to spen with your partner 24/7?

We celebrate our 25th anniversary next month. :o)

TTel

Good News for the M-i-L

2012-01-28T12:27:00.000+07:00

Having a cup of tea has long been the preferred way for the English to relax, but now scientists have found tea really does lower the blood pressure and could prevent heart disease.

Drinking eight cups of black leaf tea, such as Earl Grey or English Breakfast, a day “significantly” cuts blood pressure, researchers at the University of Western Australia found.

More at TTel

That's Told Her

2012-01-28T12:23:00.003+07:00

“Fillets” is the name of the fish & chip shop in town.

Under the Thumb

2012-01-28T12:23:00.000+07:00

12 of the most whipped husbands and boyfriends in TV history, as per Guyism:

The whipped husband/boyfriend has long been a staple of TV comedy. “Ha ha, he is so weak and women are so awesome. This is relevant to my interests,” said the generic housewife that TV sitcoms are desperate to court. Here are the 12 most horrendously whipped husbands and boyfriends in popular TV show history.

12 Niles Crane Frasier

Though we never actually see Niles’ first wife, Maris, there are plenty of references to help us conclude that she is one of the most domineering and awful wives in all of history. Despite her manipulation and demoralizing behavior towards Niles, he sticks with her well through the fourth season of the show. Thankfully, Niles eventually grows a pair and goes through with the divorce proceedings.

11 Dan Connor Roseanne

If you’re unlucky enough to be married to Roseanne, then it’s pretty safe to say that you won’t be wearing the pants in the family. Though Dan had his moments of rebellion, he pretty much spent all nine seasons of the show tucked squarely in the back pocket of his loud-mouthed and abrasive blue-collar wifey.

10 Philip J. Fry Futurama

Back in the 20th century, Fry had the misfortune of going out with a callous and selfish girl named Michelle. Despite escaping to the 31st century, Michelle shows up via cryogenic freezing to torment Fry in the future. When your girlfriend convinces you to leave all your friends behind and freeze yourself for another one thousand years, you know you’ve got one pussy-whipped boyfriend on your hands.

9 George Costanza Seinfeld

After getting engaged to Susan Biddle Ross, George quickly came to realize the catastrophe that his “two worlds were colliding.” Unfortunately, Relationship George was a stifled and unhappy man from the moment of the engagement. Fortunately, Susan licked one too many toxic envelopes and George was able to celebrate his emancipation back into bachelorhood by eating a block of cheese in his underwear.

8 Hal Malcolm in the Middle

Lois and Hal had a similar relationship as Roseanne and Dan Connor. Lois barked the orders, while Hal obediently complied. Prior to meeting Lois and becoming a low-level and mild-mannered desk jockey, Hal apparently used to be a supreme badass who hosted his own pirate radio station (under the moniker, Kid Charlemagne). Sadly, Lois stripped all rebellion out the man and quickly turned him into her drone.

7 Mr. Slave South Park

Mr Slave is whipped both literally and figuratively by his gay lover Mr. Garrison. As a masochist, Mr. Slave delights in being bossed around and told what to do. What he can’t stand for, however, is a boyfriend with a vagina. When Mr. Garrison gets a sex change, it breaks the love spell and Mr. Slave takes his subversive tendencies elsewhere (namely, into the waiting arms of Big Gay Al).

6 Larry Almada Drew Carey Show

Larry Almada was a minor character in the Drew Carey Show, but he was one royally pussy-whipped dude. As the boy toy of Winfred-Lauder executive Mrs. Lauder (who is decrepitly old), Larry routinely finds himself resorting to demeaning errands and sexual acts. I don’t care who you are, resorting to sex with a walking corpse is one sure sign you’re whipped.

5 Al Bundy Married…With Children

While Al wasted away as a shoe salesman, his wife, Peggy, sat at home all day eating bon-bons and spending all his money. And when he finally returned home from a long day of work, there was no dinner or happiness waiting for him. While most men wouldn’t put up with such a lazy, non-supportive wife, Al quietly resigned himself to the “Bundy curse” years ago.

4 Tom Peters Tom Goes to the Mayor

Poor Tom Peters can’t catch a break. As if his unfortunate relationship with the Mayor of Jefferton wasn’t enough, he also has to deal with a completely fat and disgusting wife at home. As one example of domination Joy Peters subjects to her husband, Tom’s winning idea of creating a renewable power source is eventually foiled because his wife refuses to give him access to their laptop, which she is using to have online sex.

3 Tony Micelli Who’s the Boss

Who’s the boss? Well, it certainly isn’t the man maid that spent his days dusting cabinets and cooking dinner. Though Tony’s relationship with Angela Bower was purely professional for the majority of the show, an attraction between the two was always there. Regardless of whether or not they were dating at the time, wearing a frilly apron and getting paid to do the household chores isn’t exactly a manly pastime.

2 George Jetson The Jetsons

The start of every Jetsons episode begins with Jane Jetson cleaning out George’s wallet before heading out to the retro-futuristic shopping mall. If George had a healthy dose of testosterone, he’d put that shopaholic wife of his in her place.

1 Michael Scott The Office

Michael Scott is so starved for love that he’s even willing to put up with the belittling and bossy behavior of Jan Levinson. During his time with Jan, she successfully weaseled her way into his home and ran up Michael’s credit card bills until he was in a mountain of debt. Though Michael finally summoned the courage to move on, their relationship can be summed with the fact that Jan once made Michael dress up in a school girl costume to fulfill a sexual fantasy of hers.

Bless

2012-01-28T12:18:00.002+07:00

In a survey of elementary school children by "Weekly Reader" six in ten said their mother was the prettiest woman in the world, with most of the remainder choosing their teacher.

Let's hope they had burd teachers...

BTS Update

2012-01-28T12:17:00.000+07:00

Apparently one can still use the BTS trains to get to the five new stations up to Bearing (new end stop) for free for another three months.

We may well use this fact to go back on ourselves before heading into town. If anything, the carriages are fuller than ever and it's getting to be as bad as London's tube. And it doesn't matter when you travel, it's constantly busy at all times in both directions.

I think it's time they added on at least another carriage, which should be doable as the platforms are long enough.

Dross

2012-01-28T12:14:00.000+07:00

The average British man has the face of England footballer Steven Gerrard, while Lorraine Kelly is the celebrity most girls resemble, it's been revealed.

Liverpool FC legend Gerrard was the typical man in the street’s celebrity look-a-like, rated by an iPhone app which measures facial contours. The app then uses a complex algorithm to perform high-performance face identification and facial feature recognition before telling users the star they resemble most.

The second most commonly matched face belonged to shapely comedian James Corden and then Prime Minister David Cameron. As for women, Lorraine Kelly was the most common celebrity look-a-like, followed by Kelly Brook and Natalie Cassidy.

Does anyone get paid to work this shit out?

Loving Thy

2012-01-28T12:12:00.005+07:00

Police attended a disturbance at the ‘Olympic village’ last night, after a row broke out over the state of one athlete’s hedge.

With just 6 months to go, the highly competitive residents have turned their attention away from running, jumping and avoiding urine tests, focusing instead on the prestigious ‘best kept village’ award.

“This is very much a team event”, explained Janet Camber, a former shot-putt hopeful who is now the World Number Two on the state of her neighbour’s guttering.

“If anyone in this competition needs a bit of motivation to keep up with the Joneses, I’m sure we’ll decide together to dob them in to the council.”

“We may not be good at running, swimming, football, diving, hockey, gymnastics, athletics, archery or wiff-waff, but by god, can we kick up a fuss about litter.”

Olympic village turmoil

But some of the older residents have complained that newcomers don’t really understand village life. “I remember when this was all council estates”, complained Dwayne Philips.

“There was a real community spirit when we gathered around to burn an old Corsa or an unwanted bus stop.”

“These days you can’t even set fire to your own wheelie bin, without someone reporting you to the residents association.”

Camber is hopeful of at least a Silver Gilt, if she can just push through some planning changes in time for the big event.

“We’re hoping to put up fences around the less desirable properties, to block the view when the judges are here.”

“It’s not so much the taking part that’s important, it’s making sure the riff-raff can’t watch.”

RBS Bonus

2012-01-28T12:12:00.002+07:00

After Royal Bank of Scotland boss Stephen Hester was awarded a £963k bonus, taxpayers who funded the banks £45bn bailout took a few moments out to have a bit of a tut before discussing their plans for the weekend.

The levels of dissatisfaction caused by the hefty payout have led to numerous displays of shortlived contempt by taxpayers such as muttering obscenities under their breath, shaking their head and sighing.

Hester, who insists that he is definitely worth the bonus, has claimed that the rebuilding of RBS is entirely down to his expert guidance, and nothing at all to do with the bailout.

“It’s outrageous that RBS are handing out bonuses of this magnitude when they’re making job cuts and people everywhere are suffering,” said one temporarily disgruntled taxpayer.

“Anyway, I’m putting the kettle on. Fancy a brew?” they added.

Hester bonus

There was also some mild huffing after a Conservative Party spokesman revealed that the government is pleased with the size of the bonus.

“It’s bloody typical of this government!” said a another momentarily distraught taxpayer.

“They go on that we’re all in it together, but when it boils down to it………sorry, what was I talking about again?”

Following the announcement of Mr Hester’s bonus, UK Financial Investments said: “As the largest shareholder in RBS, we have worked closely with the board to ensure that bonuses create a certain amount of anger amongst the public, but not enough for them to get off their fucking arses and do anything about it.”

“The worst we expect is for a few people to go a bit red-faced and headbutt their computer keyboards, but Britain’s Got Talent starts soon, so I’m sure it will all blow over soon enough.”

“Go back to sleep Britain,” he advised.

Internet Gate

2012-01-28T12:09:00.000+07:00

Side Effect

2012-01-28T12:08:00.001+07:00

Some of the world’s most famous, civilization-altering discoveries happened by accident. Take Penicillin, for example. The guy who discovered it, Sir Alexander Fleming, simply forgot to clean up his work station one night and returned to discover the world’s first antibiotic growing right there in his unwashed petri dish.

But that’s not what this particular list is about. All the inventions here were invented very much on purpose – they just didn’t end up being used in the way their inventors had intended. Only after these inventions were repurposed – often in wildly unexpected ways – did they become famous, perhaps even civilization-alteringly so.

1. Listerine

Listerine was invented 133 years ago, first as a surgical antiseptic, but also as a cure for gonorrhea (don’t try that at home). An article from 1888 recommends Listerine “for sweaty feet, and soft corns, developing between the toes.” Over the course of the next century, it was marketed as a refreshing additive to cigarettes, a cure for the common cold, and as a dandruff treatment. But it was in the 1920s that the powerful, germ-killing liquid finally landed on its most lucrative use as a magical cure for bad breath.

2. Propecia

Propecia, that ubiquitous drug used to treat male-pattern baldness, was originally marketed as Proscar, a drug to treat the benign enlargement of the prostate. After five years on the market in the 1990s, it became clear that one of the side effects of Proscar was – you can practically see the money signs flashing in the pharmaceutical marketers’ eyes – hair growth on bald men. Cha-ching!

3. Viagra

Viagra, or Sildenafil, as it’s officially known, was originally conceived as a treatment for hypertension, angina, and other symptoms of heart disease. But Phase I clinical trials revealed that while the drug wasn’t great at treating what it was supposed to treat, male test subjects were experiencing a rather unexpected side effect: erections. A few years later, in 1998, the drug took U.S. markets by storm as a treatment for penile dysfunction and became an overnight success. It now rakes in an estimated $1.9 billion dollars a year.

4. Brandy

Brandy, that delightful, caramel-colored after dinner drink, started off as a byproduct of transporting wine. About 900 years ago, merchants would essentially boil the water off of large quantities of wine in order to both transport it more easily, and save on customs taxes, which were levied by volume. After a while, a few of these merchants, bored perhaps after a long day on the road, dipped into their inventory and discovered that the concentrated, or distilled, wine actually tasted pretty darn good. Voila! Brandy was born.

5. Coca-Cola

Coca-Cola, one of the world’s most famous brand names, was originally invented as an alternative to morphine addiction, and to treat headaches and relieve anxiety. Coke’s inventor, John Pemberton — a Confederate veteran of the Civil War who himself suffered from a morphine addiction — first invented a sweet, alcoholic drink infused with coca leaves for an extra kick. He called it Pemberton’s French Wine Coca. It would be another two decades before that recipe was honed, sweetened, carbonated and, eventually, marketed into what it is today: the most popular soda in the world.

6. Play-Doh

Play-Doh, that strange, brightly coloured, salty clay that all of us grew up molding and poking (and, occasionally, nibbling), was first invented in the 1930s by a soap manufacturer named Cleo McVickers, who thought he’d hit upon a fantastic wallpaper cleaner. It wasn’t for another twenty years that McVicker’s son, Joseph, repurposed the goop as clay for pre-schoolers and called it Play-Doh, a product that remains wildly popular among the under-5 crowd today.

Mental Floss

Not Sure About This

2012-01-28T12:02:00.000+07:00

We're going through a pretty heavy outburst of mosquitoes in the hotel and after we got back from town yesterday (we had the room cleaned) they had left a bag of chopped up green foliage hanging up in a mesh bag.

At least we assume it's intended for that purpose.

I'm also not sure if it will work, but anything has got to be worth a try even if it ponks to high Heaven. I'd love to know what it's called so I can research it a bit more as I am slightly sceptical of such natural "remedies".

Fitting Award

2012-01-28T10:58:00.004+07:00

BBC4 was last night named Best Channel for Stuck-Up Ponces at the National Television Awards.

BBC arts editor Will Gompertz was kicked in the face by a semi-famous Geordie

Fending off competition from Sky Arts One and Two and America's PBS, the BBC's documentary and culture channel was praised for its consistency in thinking it is better than ITV just because it has read a book and has thoughts.

Presenting the award, Paddy McGuinness said: "All the nominees do a fantastic job every day of catering to the weird, stuck-up tastes of the sort of ponces who think kiddie fiddlers are just mentally ill.

"Well done BBC4 - would you like to me to hold your monocle while you give some fancy speech about Shakespeare and Palestine?"

The awards ceremony, held in the O2 Arena after it had been converted into a massive Wetherspoon's, also saw big wins for the Downton Abbey, the Ant and the Dec and a programme where a celebrity allows us a glimpse of who they really are when all the other cameras are switched off.

TV critic Julian Cook said: "The National Television Awards are based on the very important concept that something is good because lots of people think it's good.

"This means that Jonathan Ross is good. Not shit. Not utterly fucking shit. Good.

"It means that Downton Abbey is good. Not pathetic. Not written by remedial gibbons and utterly contemptuous of its audience. Good."

After packing up its podium and cheeky one-liners, the awards bandwagon now moves on to the Baftas, the annual ceremony for things people claim they were watching when they were actually watching some tuppenny whores in a jungle.

DM

Cheer Up, It May Never Happen...

2012-01-28T10:57:00.004+07:00

PEOPLE who continually insist the days are getting longer are leaving a trail of psychological destruction across Britain, it has emerged.

'We should all go for a run after work'

As the country lurches wounded through soul-sucking darkness towards the end of January, a small army of sunny-side-up halfwits are managing to make things worse by claiming spring is almost here.

Ignoring the obvious pain caused by their observations, the optimists also insist that it is a shame to waste the light weekends by staying in bed.

Web designer Nathan Muir said: "If we're being strictly scientific than maybe it was three minutes lighter this Tuesday than last week, but if you make a point of telling me that I will assume that you are out of your mind.

"January and February are survivable if you keep your head down, drink to oblivion as often as possible and surrender yourself to the never-ending night.

"I will not now be speaking until Easter. Good day."

Carolyn Ryan, from Leeds, added: "The signs of spring are birds chirping and leaves on trees. A sunny disposition is not the same as actual sunshine. And prolonged exposure to it is far more harmful.

"It doesn't matter if the sun rises at 8.02am or 7.47am, I'm still delayed in the gloom at Bingley and trying to work out why the Metro is a successful newspaper.

"If one more glass-half-full simpleton tells me 'we're over the worst' I will bury them alive with a looped recording of Birdsongs of the Norfolk Broads."

DM

Gentle Ribbing

2012-01-28T10:56:00.004+07:00

PATRICE Evra has hired bodyguards to deal with loveable Liverpool rogues good-naturedly threatening to kill him.

Evra will benefit from armed 'hilarity co-ordinators'

Liverpool are set to host Manchester United tomorrow afternoon in a cup tie that has promised such high levels of humorous banter that all police leave in the region has been cancelled.

Members of the general public living near the ground have been warned that there may be random outbreaks of large groups of men just having a bit of a laugh and a joke. Police have also stated that a badly-aimed chorus of Ferry Across The Mersey can have somebody’s eye out.

Evra said: “Smalling and Jones are going to be replaced by ex-SAS officers to try and fend off the thousands of fans that might want to run onto the pitch to share a delicious bon mot whilst spitting playfully in my face.

“Games between Liverpool and United are always highly witty affairs but this one has the potential to be dangerously hilarious.”

Evra will be targeted by Liverpool’s 40,000 jokers during the match after he provoked Luis Suarez by being present during their previous game against each other, a fact that many fans are expected to remind him of using a variety of colourful phrases.

The kick off has been moved to 1245 in a bid to reduce the amount of ‘joviality juice’ the Liverpool fans can manage to consume before the game and the United fans will remain in the ground for an hour after the game ends to ensure their sides aren’t split with mirth on the way to the train station.

Evra added: “The fans may also wish to remember that I’m French. I’m sure they can do something with that.”

DM

Not Over Their Salary

2012-01-28T10:55:00.001+07:00

Doctors are eight times more likely to suffer from severe depression than fireman.

International Relations

2012-01-28T10:23:00.004+07:00

Following WWII and the Cold War, the United States became the dominant superpower of the world. If we were to actually have a superpower, it’d most likely be the ability to invade a country and set up a massive military base before leaving. If only we chose invisibility like our Canadian friends up north. Nowadays, we keep ourselves busy worrying about China’s meteoric rise to supremacy while hypocritically bashing other countries who want to acquire nuclear weapons of their own. The U.S. government does give foreign aid to a number of countries including Iraq, Afghanistan, Pakistan, and Israel. And since our recent war with Iraq has come to a close, we can focus on more important international issues – making sure our students abroad have a better chance of hooking up with foreigners.
Staying on Top: Much like sex, being on top in international diplomacy requires energy, concentration and a willingness to be criticized by those you are fucking.
America: #1!*
*Number represents ranking for hot dog consumption and diabetes rates in children born to unwed mothers.

The Environment

2012-01-28T10:23:00.001+07:00

We enjoy acting like using Energy Star appliances makes us saviors of the Earth, but let’s be honest with ourselves: we won’t really start caring about the environment until it’s too late and by most estimates, it already is. Sorry, grandchildren! Sure, fuel economy has gotten better in the past couple years, but that’s only because people have become too broke to afford rising gas prices. And though the Environmental Protection Agency does exist, even they don’t think global warming is an issue worth combating. Makes total sense, right? Or it could all be nonsense and the planet couldn’t care less about our trivial little surface scratches. Whatever it may be, this has been one shitty ski season so far, right?
Mother Earth: Is being a total bitch. It’s like, don’t have all this oil around the house if you don’t want me to use it!
Don’t Worry!: We cannot ruin the environment. We can only ruin the environment we as humans enjoy. Whatever is left when we’re done with it may not support human life, but it will be heaven for cockroaches and rats. You’re welcome, vermin.

Taxes

2012-01-28T10:22:00.004+07:00

Ugh, taxes. Every April, the entire grownup population of the United States transforms into one massive cliche of adulthood. And we can all agree that that’s embarrassing. What we can’t agree on is how high tax rates should be, how those rates should be distributed, and how the collected money should be spent. These issues are at the core of the biggest difference between Democrats and Republicans. Simply put: According to the Democrats, the Republicans favor letting our nation’s poor starve to death and privatizing public restrooms, while ,according to the Republicans, the Democrats favor giving every illegal immigrant a mansion and putting every citizen on welfare. Both parties, however, agree that writing off part of your housing as a “home office” isn’t going to raise any eyebrows at the IRS, right?
Why Republicans Should Love High Taxes: Because every year at tax time the most socially liberal people in this country momentarily consider voting Republican when they see 35% of their money taken away.
But Seriously: Did I fill out that I-9 correctly? What exactly is a “head of household” and can I be one if I live in a studio apartment with four buddies of mine from college? Answer: Yes, until you get audited.

Education

2012-01-28T10:22:00.002+07:00

If you’ve ever gotten caught in a cluster of 14 year-olds, you know that the United States public education system is not exactly doing a stellar job of molding great minds that will keep our nation at the forefront of global industry and technological advancements. Not unless those technological advancements can be made over BBM. A couple big issues on the table are increased drop-out rates, falling test scores, and the effect of teacher’s unions and merit pay on the quality of education. But there’s one big problem in education that should finally get the attention it deserves: rolling backpacks are stupid.
A Suggestion for Improving Government Awareness of the Country’s Sub Par Public Education: Force congressmen to become Facebook friends with every teenager in their district. A mere glance at that news feed should light a fire under the education reform movement.
A Suggestion for Improving Student Interest in Scientific Studies: Stop selling cell phones to minors. If they want an iPhone, make them learn how to build it themselves. Like in China.

LGBT Rights

2012-01-28T10:21:00.005+07:00

A hot button issue in this year’s presidential election is gay marriage. Should gay people be allowed to get married? Are efforts to ban gay marriage a case of church policies bleeding into state policies? Yes and yes. Gay people should obviously be allowed to get married. Weddings are pretty much the gayest parties in the world and absolutely everyone should have the right to get too drunk to have sex with their spouse on their wedding night. Or, more likely, get too drunk and open envelopes to see if you made back the cost of the venue, music, invitations and photographer.
But I Don’t Like It!: Too bad. Welcome to America, land of people who are forced to deal with other people’s shit.
But Gay People Annoy Me!: No, the people on Bravo annoy you. Those aren’t gay people. Those are gay people doing really bad impressions of gay people.

Lobbyists

2012-01-28T10:21:00.002+07:00

Wouldn’t it be odd if unelected officials had a say in the type of legislation our government passed? Sounds illegal, right? Well, it’s not! That’s exactly what lobbyists do and they get paid good money to do it. What they do is wine and dine representatives and senators in hopes of swaying bills and legislation in their favor. Usually financed by wealthy organizations or advocacy groups, lobbying is probably the seediest thing going on in politics. And it’s made all the more seedy by the fact that it’s too boring to complain about without sounding like you should sell hand-woven tote bags at a farmer’s market. Billions of dollars are spent yearly – from the pharmaceutical and insurance industries to Big Tobacco – to make sure their influence is widespread. What this amounts to is a government that serves private interest over public good. It sounds pretty scary, but at least it makes you feel a little better about not actually voting.
Is It All Bad?: The rules of lobbying and political action committees (PACs) mean that anyone can, after filing the appropriate paperwork, raise money to be used to spread awareness and gain support for their desired purposes. That sounds fair, right? Anyone can raise millions of dollars to persuade people to do their bidding… oh, wait. Yeah. No. I remember now. Not everyone has access to millions of dollars. But the people who do have millions of dollars are all probably real swell folk.
The Pros: At least someone in Washington is getting things done. Unfortunately they’re usually not on your side.
More Importantly: This should be your new career path. These people make an insane amount of money and get treated like elected officials without ever having to worry about getting elected.

Healthcare

2012-01-28T10:20:00.006+07:00

With the passage of President Barack Obama’s health care reform bill, all Americans will soon be eligible to receive government-funded health insurance. And man, does that piss some people off. Though common in many developed countries, private health care in America has only been available to those with holding policies from insurance companies, like me, SUCKER! Critics of universal health care cite the massive tax burden of the program, the dangers of giving Washington control of our bodies, and the damage to our nation’s insurance companies, the last point of which is the greatest PR coup in the history of time.
So, Can You Finally Go to the Doctor About that Thing with Your Knee? No! Even if you can technically be insured right now, you probably haven’t filled out the appropriate paperwork. Obama hasn’t made any attempt to make insurance documents make sense because he knows how much your dad likes to yell at you about that stuff. Now, just go back to looking at gross diagrams on WebMD, like a man.

Jobs

2012-01-28T10:20:00.004+07:00

Jobs were defined as “daily duties one is tasked with completing in return for monetary compensation.” Though scarce now, jobs were once plentiful and provided the American public with money to buy food and enjoy leisure-time activities. Being that we are a nostalgic culture, Americans have expressed a desire to create and hold more jobs, making this a central topic of the 2012 election.
The Baby Boomer Dilemma: One issue occurring in the job market now is that the overcrowded Baby Boomer generation is not retiring and allowing younger generations to fill their spots in the workforce. As punishment, the younger generations are not moving out of their Baby Boomer parents’ houses and allowing them to finally turn their rooms into macrame stations like they’ve always wanted.
Walmart: Has to be part of the problem, right? We’re almost sure they had something to do with this whole mess.
The Internet: One sector experiencing growth in the slumping job market is technology, specifically Internet companies (like this one!). With a degree in communications, a 10-day beard, and a few jargon-y terms, you, too, could be hired to correct typos on a page like this for almost $25,000 a year! The future is yours for the begging.

Housing Crisis

2012-01-28T10:20:00.002+07:00

Since the dawn of human civilization, man has sought shelter from the elements. This pursuit led to the advent of houses, the concept of land as a personal possession, and a timeless chorus of fist-shaking elderly men shouting at people to get off their property. So, what went wrong? The explanation is simple: people bought homes they couldn’t really afford because banks, now accused of predatory lending practices, required very few dollars down and extended generous loans to said buyers at extremely favorable, non-fixed interest rates, in turn causing contractors to build more and more homes, which worked well until the economy began to sag and interests rates were raised, causing people to default on their mortgage payments, causing banks to foreclose on previously sold properties, simultaneously stagnating further development and creating billions of dollars in toxic assets for each bank, causing bank stock prices to fall, leading to government bailout funded by tax dollars to avert crippling corporate collapse, driving us further towards a depression. That, and about a thousand other things.
The Upside? Continuing to live in that shitty rental apartment that your dad said was a scam is actually a pretty smart real estate decision right now.
Affordable Housing: Much has been made about the exorbitant price of real estate in America, but that’s nonsense. There are plenty of affordable homes in places like Florida, Arizona and Michigan. You just have to be OK with being the only people living in your neighborhood, roving packs of wild dogs, and some/all of your block being burned for the insurance money.

The Economy

2012-01-28T10:19:00.004+07:00

Everyone is complaining about it, but what’s really going on with the economy? Uhh. Well. “The Economy” refers to a system of promises, sometimes called “money,” that is exchanged at rates based on “value” and “trust,” which are, in turn, based on… hm, it’s not gold anymore, right? Oil? Is it oil? No, that’s not it. Oh yeah! It’s nothing. The Economy is based on nothing. It’s a purely abstract concept that is somehow in the toilet. Whose fault is it that it’s in the toilet? Everyone’s. Who’s going to fix it? Everyone… eventually. In the meantime, feel free to keep saying, “The Economy” as a catchall exclamation of complaint. “The Economy” is the new “Monday.”
Add It Up: The presidential candidates have raised a collective $190 million for them to spend raising awareness for their respective campaigns. But I haven’t heard anything about candidates giving away free pizza, so we’re calling bullshit. Not even you, Cain. Not even you…
Is It Going to Get Better?: Sure it will! All you have to do to help fix the economy is click on all of the wonderful advertisements you see on our website.

United States Congress

2012-01-28T10:19:00.002+07:00

The most populated branch of the federal government, Congress is broken up into two parts: the Senate and the House of Representatives. They create bills which become laws and also run hysterical local ads during election years.
Senate: The United States Senate is the upper house of the bicameral legislature and comprised of 100 senators, two from each state. The Senate has several exclusive powers including consenting to treaties as a precondition to their ratification and consenting or conforming appointments of Cabinet secretaries, federal judges, and pretty much everyone else involved in federal government that you’ve never even heard of. Because it’s a smaller, more selective crew than “The House,” they get to hang out in the north wing of the Capitol Building and get first dibs on blue or red ties at Brooks Brothers.
House of Representatives: The United States House of Representatives has 441 members (6 non-voting) from all 50 states. The amount of representatives each state has is in proportion to its population. So, yeah, Delaware eats lunch in the bathroom. While the House of Representative’s power pales in comparison to that of the Senate, the Constitution didn’t leave them out of the fun entirely. On top of being able to pass federal legislation, the House also gets to initiate revenue bills, impeach officials, and elect the President if the Electoral College is deadlocked. In other words it’s like playing for the government’s JV team.
Power Ups: One of Congress’ biggest strengths, implied powers, comes from the Necessary and Proper Clause which guarantees that, even if it doesn’t say so in the Constitution, they can point to the President’s tie if he has mustard on it.
Represent: 47% of the current members of Congress are millionaires. That might explain why they haven’t found any solutions for salvaging the middle class, but have passed a number of regulations regarding the stringing of tennis racquets and the decision to keep spelling “racquet” like that.

No, It's Superman

2012-01-28T10:18:00.004+07:00

It’s often said that driving in a car is more dangerous than flying in a plane, yet when an aeroplane crashes or a ship sinks, the nonstop media coverage that follows makes that claim hard to believe.

The sinking of the Costa Concordia cruise ship this month has once again shone a spotlight on the overall safety of transport. But considering how rare a disaster like this is, especially in comparison to car crashes, it raises the question, which mode of transportation is truly the safest?

Worldwide, there were only 373 fatalities on scheduled commercial passenger flights in 2011, according to the non-profit Aviation Safety Network Database. And according to the International Air Transport Association, an airline trade organization, there were 2.84 billion commercial passengers last year, which would roughly mean your average odds of dying on a commercial flight were roughly one in 7.6 million in 2011.

Over the course of a lifetime, the risk increases. For example, in a 2006 Reason magazine article, the National Safety Council (NSC) reported that in the US the average person’s odds of dying in a plane crash in their lifetime is about one in 5,000.

But contrast those odds to vehicular fatalities. In the same article, the NSC reported that the odds of dying in a car accident in the US over a lifetime was about one in 83. While the number of global vehicle passengers and drivers may not be known, the World Health Organization estimates that 1.2 million people die each year in road traffic accidents (roughly half of which are pedestrians, cyclists and motorcyclists). So even though we drive more than we fly, with apologies to Jack Kerouac and George Clooney, it seems that there is basis for the claim that on the road is more dangerous than up in the air.

While cruises are more optional than planes and vehicle when travelling, the odds of dying are nearly as slim as flying. As for cruise ships, the Cruise Lines International Association (CLIA), an association of cruise lines, said that from 2005 to 2011 only 16 people died in cruise accidents, out of 100 million passengers, putting the odds of death over that period at one in 6.25 million. But the Costa Concordia disaster doubled that fatality number in the early days of 2012. (The death toll from the recent accident has currently reached 16, and there are still at least 16 people still missing.)

However, a new report by Reuters questions the validity of any cruise safety statistics because there is no public database on cruise line accidents. The International Maritime Organisation (IMO), which provides regulations for cruise ships, does not keep complete records of marine casualties but recorded fewer than 300 incidents since 2000, while the independent website CruiseJunkie, run by sociology professor Ross Klein of Memorial University Newfoundland, has published reports of 644 incidents in the same period.

Whatever the number, the industry can always increase safety. With the investigation into the Costa Concordia disaster, the IMO’s regulations -- which, according to Reuters, are open to interpretation by governments, captains and operators -- are falling under scrutiny. For instance, passengers on the Costa Concordia had not completed a lifeboat safety drill, because ships have 24 hours after setting sail to hold the drill. Now some in the industry are calling for cruise lines to take charge of this protocol and require safety drills before the ships depart.

At the end of the day, you have to get from point A to point B -- be it for business, pleasure or personal obligations. The best you can do is take the proper precautions, sit back (or up, if you’re driving) and relax. Here are some travel safety tips for driving, taking public transit, flying and cruising. If you’re still nervous, this BBC Travel article highlights which airlines had the safest track records in 2011, and you can learn about incidents at sea at the website CruiseJunkie.
BBC

Lucky Tottenham

2012-01-28T10:08:00.000+07:00

A dodgy 0-1 win over Watford at Vicarage Road and we sneak into the 5th round. Could this be our year? Whatever the run, it already has been and I'll take third spot quite happily.

Day Three

2012-01-28T10:06:00.000+07:00

Pakistan 1st Innings 257 all out (96.4 overs)	Pakistan 2nd Innings 125 for 4 (61.0 overs)
England 1st Innings 327 all out (112.0 overs) England should win this...

I'm Not a Huge Tennis Fan

2012-01-28T10:04:00.001+07:00

But I do like Djkovic and even I was drawn into the highlights* of his game with Andrew Murray.

The Scot went down 6-3 3-6 6-7 (4-7) 6-1 7-5 but you could see the relief in both men as the game was finally over. Let's hope the final is as good and that Nadal loses. :o)

*Thankfully, the match lasted nearly five hours.

Blue is the Colour

2012-01-28T09:59:00.003+07:00

Blue pens outnumber black pens by a four to three margin.

I always prefer black to blue.

Quote/Unquote

2012-01-28T09:59:00.000+07:00

"My definition of a free society is a society where it is safe to be unpopular."

- Adlai E Stevenson Jr

That's Bangkok

2012-01-28T09:58:00.000+07:00

It's Big

2012-01-28T09:56:00.001+07:00

Baiyoke Tower II

Location	Bangkok, Thailand
Address	222 Ratchaprarop Road, Ratchathewi

Opening date	1997
Architect	Plan Architect Co.
Owner	Land Development Co. Ltde
Cost	฿ 3.6 billion
Rooms	673

Total floor area	179,400 m² (1,931,000 sq ft)
Floors	85
Total height	304 m (997 ft) 328 m (1,076 ft)
Website	www.baiyokehotel.com

I Love Heights

2012-01-28T09:50:00.001+07:00

Can't get enough of them.

Not true, the older I get the worse it's becoming so when Ross suggested we take a trip up to Baiyoke Tower II in the centre of Bangkok, I should have heard alarm bells. You see, it's the city's tallest building and stands 85 floors up.

Aye, eighty five stories.

And we had to pay THB 300/person to get in (~£6)!

Taking several lifts to get to the summit and having to walk up the final couple of floors, we eventually made it to the open air revolving platform and despite my reluctance for seeing small things waay down at ground level, this truly was a sight.

Then, when you're bottle is just about to give out, you can retreat to the bar and redeem a free drink with your entry ticket and savour the view from inside.

Don't Just Take my Word

2012-01-28T09:45:00.000+07:00

A review from IMDb:

"Sherlock Holmes: A Game of Shadow" picks up where the prequel leftoff; Holmes is tracking down Professor Moriarty, a man he believes isresponsible for a series of bombings and mysterious deaths aroundworld. With the help of his pal Watson (off to be married soon), and agang of gypsies, which includes The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo's NoomiRapace, set out on a game of cat-and-mouse to find the schemes of thesinister Professor.

Though there is an element of mystery in this film, it is not asin-depth as the first film. Rather the focus is on the action sequencesand clever humor. This is not necessarily a bad thing though; in factit helps move the plot along. The first film suffered because the storywas slow. In this Holmes though, there is not one second that drags.The story itself is not special, but its pace is what counts. Walkingout of the theater, I felt refreshed and glad that I saw this movie.

Robert Downey Jr. and Jude Law are once again a true treat to watch asHolmes and Watson. Their chemistry and interactions are perfect; it'seasy to tell that both had fun with the script and with each other.Jared Harris as Professor Moriarty gives a solid performance, as acold, manipulative, power hungry villain. Unlike Mark Strong in thefirst film, he is a believable antagonist. Noomi Rapace is a niceflavor as Madam Sim.

The set and costume designs are exquisite, bringing to life of whatEurope was like in the late 1800s. I smell Oscar for these departments.The sound and editing is crisply done, and the music istop-notched—Hans, you're truly the best. The visual effects are mostlygood, but some scenes were a bit over the top and borderlineridiculous. One of many examples include a woman being thrown from afast moving train into a river, without sustaining injury or evendying. This is impossible. Then again, it's Hollywood. The filmmakersaren't doing their job if a sense of the ridiculous is not thrown intoan action flick from time to time.

"Sherlock Holmes: A Game of Shadow" delivers as a great, action-packed,and a rather humorous, popcorn loving flick. Note: the dog dies again.

At Last We See It

2012-01-28T09:44:00.000+07:00

Spent the day in town with Ross and co and had a really good time of it.

The girls went off to do some girlie clothes window shopping, we headed off to Pantip to look at some macho IT stuff, had lunch and then met up to finally see the second Sherlock Holmes filum, A Game of Shadows.

A quite rare feat, this second instalment of Guy Ritchie's version of the great detective (ably played by Robert Downy Junior) did a Godfather II. Yes, the sequel was better than the original and that was a top flick in its own right.

The buddy-buddy atmosphere Jude Law as Dr Watson has with Junior is sheer genius and many time throughout the film I was glad to be sitting in the aisle as I was chortling to myself and didn't want to disturb others.

Good story, a masterful villain with Jared Harris as Professor Moriarty and a cracking pace with an abundance of good old British humour, this had the lot, including another inspired choice of giving Stephen Fry the role of Mycroft, Sherlock's brother.

Without doubt my filum of the year for 2011 and 2012. Just go and see it.

Big Numbers

2012-01-28T09:32:00.001+07:00

If actually constructed, the Death Star from the movie Star Wars could very comfortably hold 1.2 billion people.

Ta, to Au P

2012-01-28T09:30:00.001+07:00

For sending this on:

Untouched for almost seven decades, the tunnel used in the Great Escape has finally been unearthed.
The 111-yard passage nicknamed ‘Harry’ by Allied prisoners was sealed by the Germans after the audacious break-out from the PoW camp Stalag Luft III in western Poland .
Despite huge interest in the subject, encouraged by the film starring Steve McQueen, the tunnel remained undisturbed over the decades because it was behind the Iron Curtain and the Soviet authorities had no interest in its significance.

Bitter-sweet memories: Gordie King, 91, made an emotional return to Stalag Luft III

Only three made it back to Britain . Another 50 were executed by firing squad on the orders of Adolf Hitler, who was furious after learning of the breach of security.
In all, 90 boards from bunk beds, 62 tables, 34 chairs and 76 benches, as well as thousands of items including knives, spoons, forks, towels and blankets, were squirreled away by the Allied prisoners to aid the escape plan under the noses of their captors.
Although the movie might suggest otherwise, no Americans were involved in the actual operation. Most were British and the others were from countries including Canada , Poland and Australia .

Discoveries: The site of the tunnel, recently excavated by British archaeologists

War classic: Steve McQueen on the set of the classic movie, The Great Escape

The latest dig, over three weeks in August, located the entrance to Harry, which was originally concealed under a stove in Hut 104. The team also found another tunnel, called George, whose exact position had not been charted. It was never used as the 2,000 prisoners were forced to march to other camps as the Red Army approached in January 1945. Watching the excavation was Gordie King, 91, an RAF radio operator, who was 140th in line to use Harry and therefore missed out. ‘This brings back such bitter-sweet memories,’ he said as he wiped away tears. ‘I’m amazed by what they’ve found.’

C & H

2012-01-27T11:07:00.001+07:00

Off We Go

2012-01-27T11:06:00.002+07:00

Time to hit town so we'll see you later, like tomorrow later.

Enjoy the weekend.

World's Dumbest Criminals

2012-01-27T11:01:00.001+07:00

1. The Million Dollar Bill

The largest bill currently in circulation in the US is $100. That didn’t stop 53-year-old Michael Anthony Fuller going in to his local Walmart recently and attempt to use a $1 million note. Fuller, who really should have done his homework, tried to use the fake note to buy a microwave, vacuum cleaner and other goods totalling $476. By his reckoning he was due $999,524 in change. After the police were called, Fuller was charged with attempting to obtain goods under false pretence (deception in UK law) and uttering a forged instrument. Damn those forged instrument utterances.

2. Ringing Ahead

It’s often said that to be forewarned is to be forearmed. However, in criminal vernacular, ringing a store to find out how much cash it has in its register could also be said to tip the wink to the aforementioned convenience store. Yet, that is exactly what Ontario crook Daniel Glen did in 2008. Aroused by why someone should want to know how much money was on the premises, the shop owner called the local cops who promptly arrested Glen as he made his way to the store. So, for the shop, and the police, being forewarned was the equivalent to be being forearmed after all.

3. Be Prepared

If there were two things we learned from our undistinguished spell at Cubs one was to always be prepared. Then again, the other was something to do with dibs and dobs. Go figure. Anyway, criminals should always be prepared. However, in the process of this preparation it probably isn’t wise to write down in your diary the day you intend to commit a robbery. And where. But that’s just what getaway driver Jonathan Ochola did on June 12, 2010. ‘Go to Portsmouth, robbery happens’ was his diary entry. And that is exactly what happened. And that evidence is exactly what helped convict him. So less of the dib and more of the dob then. Dobbing yourself in.

4. Write a Book

Not that we’re encouraging anyone to commit murder, but should you ever do so we reckon it would be fairly wise, once you have done the deed, and indeed seemingly got away with it, to keep schtum. Don’t tip the wink and all that. Unfortunately, Polish author Krystian Bala was unable to do such a thing after brutally murdering Dariusz Janiszewski in 2000. Three years later he wrote about a similar murder in his novel, Amok. When police stumbled upon the book they unearthed a trail linking Janiszewski back to Bala. Silly, silly, arrogant man.

5. Ask The Police To Arrest You

Curiosity killed the cat. It also got Detroit man R.C. Gaitlan arrested in 1988, after he asked cops demonstrating the latest in crack-bang-whizz hi-tech computer felon-location equipment to children to show him how such technology worked. Handing over his driver’s licence to be scanned, the police discovered Gaitlan was wanted for an armed robbery in St. Louis two years previously. Talk about giving the cops a get-out-of-jail-and-get-yourself-sent-to-gaol-card.

6. The Writings on the Wall

Peter Addison was here! Not very imaginative teenage graffiti when daubed on a park bench; a stunning act of incompetence when scrawled upon the wall of the children’s campsite you’ve just burgled and vandalised. But that’s what one Peter Addison did after breaking in to the Toc H Centre in Cheshire in 2007. It didn’t take the police long to catch up with Addison and accomplice Mark Ridgeway, after which they commented: “There are some pretty stupid criminals around, but to leave your own name at the scene of the crime takes the biscuit. The daftness of this lad certainly made our job a lot easier.”

7. Falling Asleep on the Job

Not being expert cat burglars we can only imagine that one of the key stipulations in the cat burglar’s handbook is get in quick, get out even quicker. We’re fairly sure failing asleep under your victim’s bed is not a key criterion for success - as burglar Mark Smith found out to his cost in May 2007. Dosed up to the gills on valium and vodka he went for an unwitting 40 winks while robbing a house in Whitley Bay. When finally woken by police, Smith was starting at an 18-month stretch inside. Less cat burglar then, and more cat napper.

8. Social Media Fail

If while committing a robbery the person whose worldly goods you’re messing with happens to see your face, we’d advise not sending her a Facebook friend request, thus allowing her to see all 592 photos of your gormless self, pulling those inane heavy metal signs in your local Shooters and Hooters bar. Unfortunately that is precisely what Juan Gonzales Jr of Colorado did. So in essence Facebook allowed the book to be thrown at his face. Who says social media is a bad thing?

9. Hand Yourself In

Unlike, say, buying a TV, purchasing class A drugs comes with no certificate of guarantee. There is no Which? magazine to help you make an informed choice or defend your consumer rights. You literally pays your money and takes your chances. So, under no circumstances should you go to the police complaining about the quality of the crack cocaine you’ve just bought. They will not get your money back for you. They will only arrest you. As happened to an Eloise D Reaves in Putnam County in the state of New York in 2006. What do they teach these people in criminal college?

10. Don't Tell Them Your Name, Pike

So, you’ve broken into a restaurant looking for booze – well done. However, you’ve triggered the alarm. We reckon at this point running is your best option. No? Ok, you’re still looking for some vodka, whisky or whatever. Don’t whatever you do answer the phone, it’s the alarm company. Oh, too late, you have. Just don’t tell them your name, Christopher Kron. Oops. And to compound your litany of mistakes, do not return to the restaurant the next morning. Come on, Christopher, you’re not going to do that are you? Oh…

SL

KISS

2012-01-27T11:00:00.000+07:00

We live in an age of confusion and complication. So when something of simplicity and clarity comes a knocking at our door, we urge it in and offer it a big glass of fizzy pop.

And so it was a happy day when we discovered these bold icon images courtesy of Dutch illustrator and graphic designer Tim Boelaars.

Thematically collected under headings such as Buildings, Camping & Hiking, Women’s Garments (simmer down), Tools, Furniture and Transport, they display an unerring and most welcome purpose of vision. We like them a lot. Big grins all round. For more of Boelaars magical work head here sharpish.

From SL

Guns

Camping & Hiking

Buildings

Transport

Nature & Outdoors

Women's Garments

Men's Garments

Devices

Cheer Up

2012-01-27T10:57:00.005+07:00

After the nation’s spirits were lifted by the news that convicted paedophile Martin Smith has been found hanged in his cell, news broadcasters are considering replacing the lighthearted item at the end of the news with details of any incidents involving dead sex offenders.

It had previously been thought that a story about a dog adopting some kittens or a squirrel on water skis would give viewers a warm feeling inside, but new evidence suggests that nothing buoys the public more than a convicted paedophile getting glassed in the face by a fellow inmate.

“The kitten thing is pretty cute,” admitted 37 year old Emma Chivers.

“But if anything is guaranteed to send me to bed with a smile on my face then it’s the news that some nonce has been taken out.”

Dead Paedophiles

A BBC spokesperson confirmed that the change to the ‘And Finally’ segment of the news will feature upbeat stories of paedo pain, but could also feature other stories to put a smile on the UK’s vengeful face.

“We’ve got some great archive footage of an SS officer hilariously falling into a mass grave during World War II,” he laughed.

“When he falls in, his gun goes off and blows his brains out.”

“I’ve watched it about 20 times and it gets funnier with each viewing.”

And finally, a dog that attacked a bus full of schoolchildren has been kicked to death by an angry priest.

Honest, Guv

2012-01-27T10:57:00.001+07:00

Research by academics at the University of Essex suggests Britons are a bunch of lying toerags who wouldn’t think twice about bullshitting their way out absolutely any situation.

An online “integrity” study surveyed more than 2000 adults, revealing that lying comes as naturally as sleeping with your wife’s sister and covering it up with a web of untruths.

The survey asked a series of questions centred around what members of the public would do when faced with various moral dilemmas, such as:

What would you do if you found a wallet containing £50?

A. Hand it in at the police station
B. Place an advert in the local paper
c. Get drunk and sleep with your partner’s best mate

Honesty Survey

The results of the survey also highlighted that there is little difference in the intense levels of bullshit that spew of out a woman’s mouth when compared to a man’s.

Professor Paul Whiteley, the study’s author and director of the Essex Centre for the Study of Integrity, said: “There’s virtually nothing to seperate women from men when it comes to being dishonest.”

“In fact, of the 2000 people questioned, an equal number of men and women denied all knowledge of actually taking the survey.”

“We added something at the end that said ‘Thank you for taking the time to complete our survey. If you would like to leave any additional comments, please use the box below’.”

“Some of the comments left included one that said ‘What survey? I don’t know what you’re on about!’ and another read ‘I never touched the survey! I’ve been in the pub with Gavin and Frank all night’.”