k'telontour travel the world; but very S-L-O-W-L-Y...

Nice and Fresh

2012-01-31T10:32:00.001+07:00

A clean-up effort of a landfill abandoned in the 1950s found several Twinkies in pristine condition.

Didn't I recently hear they are/are close to, going bust?

C & H

2012-01-31T10:29:00.001+07:00

This is Nice

2012-01-31T10:28:00.002+07:00

Following on from the previous post, one response to the article said the following:

This is the Captin speakin from the bridge - na man not the one ower the Tyne, the one on the plane. Thats a joke see.

An aye man- its canny up the frunt hear - yews awl reet in the back? Aye why as ganna start up the enginns an have yus awl outa hear in nee time an its nay bother at arl bonny lads and lasses. The newkeys ull be runed in a mo ya kna an theere just reet cos we've had our few arlready.

Aye an thanks like fer flyin on Geordie Hair

:o)

Soothing Tones

2012-01-31T10:26:00.003+07:00

Pilots with London accents are the least reassuring for air travellers, according to new research among fliers.

The traditional well-spoken pilot's voice in a clipped Home Counties accent was voted the best of all in the survey and there were also a preference for certain regional accents, with the Scottish lilt taking second place and the Republic of Ireland taking third.

The celebrity voice passengers found most reassuring was that of upper class actor Nigel Havers, followed by Sean Connery. Stephen Fry, Patrick Stewart, Hugh Grant and Ewan McGregor all made the top ten.

Favourite celebrity voices saw two women in the list, Joanna Lumley and Joan Bakewell and George Clooney was the only non-British or Irish celebrity in the top ten.

I have no preference how anyone says "we've just landed".

More at TTel

The Difference

2012-01-31T10:22:00.002+07:00

Driving in Britain

2012-01-31T10:22:00.001+07:00

Motorists face a huge hike in speeding fines to as much as £100 to help fill a funding gap for victims of crime, Kenneth Clarke has disclosed.

Drivers could see standard £60 fines increase by almost 70%, even though there is no direct victim in many motoring offences. Those who go to court to challenge speeding tickets or for more serious driving offences could pay up to £120 in to the programme.

The fines for motorists come as part of a huge expansion in the Victims Surcharge scheme, which currently levies just £15 on top of fines issued by courts. The Justice Secretary now wants the scheme extending to all criminals, including those gaoled for the most serious offences such as murder and rape, but he also announced plans to expand it to fixed penalty notices meaning drivers will now also be targeted.

More at TTel

No Chance

2012-01-31T10:17:00.000+07:00

Sir Richard Branson has advertised for a builder to rebuild his luxury Caribbean mansion, which burnt down in a devastating fire last year.

The advert on Building.co.uk says the Virgin tycoon is offering £57 000 a year for a Construction Manager to oversee the build on Necker Island, his £60 million private hideaway.

For 18 months the lucky builder will manage and co-ordinate the construction, with duties including interpreting design and specification and issuing of formal instructions to contractors. The ad also says the role will require problem solving, dispute resolution and diplomacy.

Can you imagine what the call out charge for the estimate will be?

Over Filled

2012-01-31T10:15:00.001+07:00

A pub landlord and landlady have been suspended from their roles and told they could face the sack for serving "big" pints of beer.

Brewery bosses are said to have complained that the couple did not serve a big enough head on their pints of beer and lager, meaning there was more to drink and Samuel Smith brewery are claiming they owe them £10 733 in lost stock and ordered to close their Junction Inn pub at Royton, Greater Manchester.

The dispute is based around the idea that customers cannot expect more than 95% of their pint glass to be filled with liquid.

Only in England, right?

What are the Odds

2012-01-31T10:12:00.000+07:00

The world of football has been rocked its very foundations after footage from Saturday’s FA Cup 4th round tie between Liverpool and Manchester United showed one of the 45,000 crowd acting like a complete arsehole.

With football grounds being the last place on earth that people would expect to encounter morons, the footage has sent shockwaves through the football leagues.

“We are extremely concerned that one of the forty-five thousand people that attended the game was seen making racist gestures,” said a police spokesperson.

“We have to assume that as a result of this incident all football fans, players and management are probably racist too.”

“In fact it’s entirely reasonable to suggest that football is just one big racist hate mob chasing a ball around a field.”

Racism arrest

Fans have expressed concerns that stadiums ringing out with songs such as ‘Who ate all the pies?! Who ate all the pies?! Fair enough, I’ll have some chips instead’, could become a thing of the past.

“Football grounds have always been considered a celebration of diversity and tolerance,” said Millwall fan Gary Barnes.

“I remember a few seasons ago there was a fella stood near me who expressed his dissatisfaction at a refereeing decision by suggesting that the referee was unsure of what his role was.”

“Several people within earshot fainted, but I managed to diffuse the situation by highlighting that the referee is only human and these mistakes tend to even themselves out over the course of the season.”

“No-one wants to see that sort of behaviour week in, week out.”

Top 10 football chants that fans now fear could disappear.

We hate stereotypes
The ref is only human
We wholeheartedly endorse the concept of a multicultural society
Where your wife takes it is none of our business.
We don’t feel threatened by homosexuality
With a packet of sweets and a cheeky smile, the opposing manager is great at kids parties.
We don’t particularly agree with that substitution, but you’re the boss.
Stand up if you think that women deserve equal pay
Oooooooooooooooooo, great goal kick aaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhh!
If you support same sex marriage clap your hands

A Bad Thing

2012-01-31T10:11:00.001+07:00

After the Archbishop of York claimed that gay marriage should not be allowed because marriage has a very clear social structure which has been around for a long time, everyone reminded him this was also once true of slavery.

Dr John Sentamu, the second most senior Church of England cleric, told reporters that his stance on keeping traditional marriage was different to his stance on keeping slavery “just because”.

He said, “Yes, slavery is OK according to parts of the bible, and was a social norm for a very long time, just like marriage is – but wanting to keep this one but get rid of the other is very different because I said it is.”

“You people need to stop looking for consistency in religious opinions. Our guidebook is full of inconsistencies, so why shouldn’t our opinions be much the same?”

Archbishop on gay marriage

Many people have spoken out against the Archbishops views, claiming men in dresses should not be trusted.

Non-believer Dave Williams told us, “Just because something has been done for a long time doesn’t mean it is beyond reproach and shouldn’t be changed – the proof is right there in my frankly disgusting chicken bolognese recipe.”

“If he’s so keen to defend the sanctity of marriage between a man and a woman because it’s what the bible promotes, what are we going to do about all these women politicians?”

“It’s pretty clear in Timothy 2:12 that women should stay silent in the presence of a man.”

“Though to be honest, if he could somehow enforce that rule with my missus he’d have a brand new convert right here.”

Entirely Reasonable

2012-01-31T10:10:00.003+07:00

Iain Duncan-Smith has claimed the government can not intervene in the bonus given to Stephen Hester by the RBS board, because preventing rich people giving money to other rich people would leave the world in ‘chaos’.

The Secretary of State for Work and Pensions told BBC One’s Andrew Marr show that taking such a stance would create scenes that would make the austerity protests look like a children’s picnic.

He told viewers, “I don’t know if you’ve ever tried to come between a rich person and their money, but they can be extremely vicious. We would do well not to provoke them, and that is the official stance of this government.”

“I don’t know if you know much about proper chaos on a biblical scale, but if we were to prevent multi-millionaires giving your money to other multi-millionaires there would be rivers of blood in the streets.”

“The students might have had placards and the odd brick, but these people have significant funds to spend on armoury. You do not piss of the rich. End of story.”

Chaos over RBS veto

Despite the threats of chaos, millions of tax payers insisted they were perfectly happy to see what happens when a rich person doesn’t get their own way for once.

Tax payer Mike Matthews told us, “I’m kind of intrigued to be honest. Would there be lots of screaming, maybe some tears? I quite like the sound of that.”

“And if it turned violent and a few thousand of them were lost in running battles with the military, then I’m sure we’d get over it.”

“Well, once we’d recovered our composure from all the laughing.”

Making Do

2012-01-31T10:09:00.002+07:00

RBS boss Stephen Hester has refused to take his £1m share bonus, insisting he is willing to struggle by on his £1.2m salary for the good of the taxpayer.

After pressure from politicians on both sides of the house, Hester agreed to make the sort of sacrifice rarely seen in the capitalist world and adjust his standard of living to match his meagre £1.2m wage packet.

“I looked around me and saw people struggling to make ends meet, and the people losing their jobs here at RBS, and I thought to myself – you know Stephen, with a little belt tightening you could probably eke out a pretty satisfactory living on just £1.2m a year.”

“And so I’m going to give it a go. Of course, this will be difficult, and I will be making a number of significant sacrifices, but hopefully people will see this gesture for what it really is – a massive sacrifice on my part.

Hester refuses bonus

Tax payers have welcomed Hester’s move, but many are now concerned that he has left himself open to the poverty striking millions across the country.

“If I was to lose half of the money I was expecting to bring in this year, I’d lose my house.” said tax payer Sharon Williams.

“It’s a generous gesture, sure, but I don’t want to see the poor man destitute.”

They Lie

2012-01-31T10:03:00.002+07:00

New Idea

2012-01-31T10:00:00.000+07:00

Isn't it time we had some manufacturer making tins or packets of baked bean sauce? I am aware it's a tomato based "gravy" but you try getting it the same consistency or taste as Heinz, HP et al.

Bring out the pre-made sauce tins and we can then add any kind of beans we want to. A winner I reckon.

Men v Women

2012-01-31T09:58:00.000+07:00

We're all aware that in women's tennis it is absolutely critical that upon making a shot of any kind, one has to emit an ear-piercing scream designed to wake the dead. Two points (should that be (30-love?):

(a) Why no shrieking when bouncing balls incessantly prior to service?
(b) Why men don't?

I'm not sure if all men don't as I don't follow the sport any more but I remember Connors being a grunter and not many else. Why, then if the blurks can play quietly, the burds can't?

Robbo

2012-01-31T09:50:00.002+07:00

Footy gets the Tennis Elbow

After a weekend of FA Cup hoo-hah and a transfer deadline looming you might think a man who bleeds the letters F-O-O-T-Y when he cuts himself shaving would have plenty to talk about.

And speaking as a bloke who couldn't get a hit at our local tennis club cos I never could get that bluey-whiteness in my clothing that them hoity-toity bastards insisted on (I swear they'd have thrown me out cos my snot was the wrong colour) you wouldn't expect a ringing endorsement of the Australian Open tennis tournament.

Nevertheless, I don't think I've ever seen owt like that match. About 2 years ago we were wondering how many titles Nadal was going to rack up.

Federer couldn't beat him - and still can't when it matters - and everyone knew that the old smoothie was the greatest Swiss export since Ricola cough pastilles.

Nadal though was brutal. A terminator. If ever he looked down and out that Mallorcan light would blink on again and the beast would reassemble itself and give his opponent an almighty twatting.

I didn't warm to the bloke at first. He has none of the ease and grace of Federer. And it didn't help that the Mrs watched him with a nascent moistness about her, like Rafa was a sort of swarthy mystical gypsy who might drop off the back of his horse-drawn caravan and muscle her into the undergrowth for some Iberian love-making.

Trouble is, the man is just an utter gent. The way he conducts himself is even more faultless than his tennis. At times it seemed that the only thing that could stop him was a pair of knees that made Michael Owen's look robust.

Djokovic was just one of them also-rans. Talented but unfortunate enough to be playing in an era where the best were way too good.

And suddenly the guy is unbeatable. Again he's not one of them blokes who makes you purr. I don't think I've ever seen any sportsman get into the positions he achieves without summat snapping. In slow-mo it makes you wretch a bit. He's Dr. Octopus to Nadal's Sandman.

There's also his endurance. I note some posh explorer chappy (Olly, inevitably) has announced he wants to be the first man to row round the world. (Its always the toffs who do this, isn't it? Never the people who have to make a living.) Djokovic could do that and still have enough gas left to fend off a late Andy Murray revival.

But Novak's accomplishments seem all the greater when you look at who he's had to beat to get there.

The gluten-free diet seems to have helped him. I've looked into it and frankly you're cutting out a lot of important foodstuffs like bacon sandwiches, Dolmio pasta and possibly even lager. (If you're planning to row round the world then please translate that last sentence into 'proscuitto ciabatta, linguine arrabiata and ermm... lager.)

It'd be easy to major on the Serb's fitness and flexibility but we should remember that beyond that he's hitting the ball better than the others. That's why he's winning. He is the best player out there.

So we are in a quite exceptional time for men's tennis. As opposed to the women's game which continues to turn out Aryan Amazons from eastern Europe who play a form of tennis that would be entirely monotonous were it not for the variety of their ejaculations.

I'd like to gag the lot of them. Not cos it's unladylike - it's nowt compared to the eardrum-wrecking caterwauling you get in Stockton High Street of a Friday night - but cos it's unnecessary - and it's used to put your opponent off. You're hitting a tennis ball, love, not auditioning for Kill Bill 3.

Mercifully Azarenka made short work of Shriekapova and Melbourne's earplug vendors were left to rue the fact that women can't last 5 hrs 56 minutes.

And what of our lad? Andy Murray. Part of the Fab Four I'm told, but still playing Ringo. Occasionally allowed the lead vocal ('will you still need me, will you still seed me, when I'm 64?'... 'I get beat with a little help from my friend').

Well, let's face it he got close. Much closer. If Djokovic is the mountain-top then the boy's going to need some shit-hot crampons. But unless one of these heavyweights gets crocked for a Slam then you can't see him beating two of them to get to a title. He just can't sustain the level of brilliance that the top two achieved on Sunday. And it's probably unreasonable to expect it.

In the meantime, we will still get the odd bleat from a big time Charlie manager that his poorickle footballers are a bit tired out from playing 3 hours of football in a week! Pah! I think I used to think tennis was a game for refined genteel woofters. Not anymore. Given that you're not allowed to tackle anyone these days I think the jessies are very much the petulant, sulky ones in the pink and orange boots.

They're All Big

2012-01-31T09:49:00.000+07:00

Which is the biggest city in the world? And why is such a simple question so difficult to answer?

If you search on the internet for the world's biggest city, you'll find various different candidates: Tokyo, Seoul, Chongqing, Shanghai...

Which one you regard as the holder of the title, all depends on what you mean by "city".

Most experts will tell you that Tokyo is the world's largest metropolis, with a population of about 36 million people.

But the core of the city has only eight million people living in it.

The reason it gets into the record books is that the surrounding region - which includes the country's second city Yokohama, as well as 86 other towns and cities - has become so built up that it is now one huge continuous urbanised area.

Yokohama alone has a population of 3.6 million.

City proper: Tokyo city was merged with Tokyo Prefecture in 1943 to form a "metropolitan prefecture" - it still contains the 23 wards of the old city
The urban area shown here reflects dense inhabitation (at least 4,000 people per sq km) within administrative boundaries

Defining the borders of a city is no easy task - and there is no international standard to ensure consistency.

Three scholars who in 2009 compared eight different lists of top cities by population, found there were 30 "top 20 cities" in total.

One of them, Richard Greene, associate professor of geography at Northern Illinois University in the United States, says even the most authoritative list, from the UN, "compares apples with pears".

"We tend to think of 3 concepts of the city," he says.

"One being a municipal definition - the legal city if you will. A second we call the urbanised area, or the physical city - the built-up portion. A third we call the metropolitan area, which some people refer to as the influence of the city - how far out does the city go in terms of its influence, such as commuting patterns." Austria-sized city?

Most experts rate Tokyo as the world's biggest city because of the size of the population in the larger urbanised area.

It will probably still be the biggest in 2025, although its population is expected to scarcely increase. The UN expects it to be followed by the two major megacities in India - Delhi and Mumbai, which are projected respectively to have 29 million and 26 million inhabitants respectively by then.

And what about the cities in the country everyone is talking about - China?

Its cities are growing so fast that for the first time more than half the population live in urban areas, it was announced earlier this month.

But China's population statistics can be particularly misleading.

"Virtually overnight, Chongqing has become the largest city not only in China, but in the world," Time Magazine proclaimed in 2005.

But it wasn't true - Chongqing is not the largest city in the world, or even in China.

Why do so many people think it is?

Professor Kam Wing Chan of the University of Washington in the United States, who has made a career out of correcting people's exaggerated claims about Chinese population statistics, explains that what China calls a municipality or city is better understood as a province.

Many of the 30 million people who are said to live in the city of Chongqing are actually agricultural workers living in a rural setting, he says.

In fact, he says, the area is so huge it's about the size of Austria. 'Doom and gloom'

"And if you were to travel from the downtown area to some of the peripheral areas where those 30 million live, it might take a day or two because the road conditions are not that good. So, this cannot be possibly called a city. Because when we call a place a city the general understanding is that we're talking about a commuting zone."

Professor Chan calculates that a more reasonable estimate of the urban population of Chongqing is six or seven million.

The largest city in China is actually Shanghai. It is commonly thought to have a population of 20 million, but Professor Chan thinks 16 million is a better estimate.

He says everyone just loves to think China's cities are bigger than they actually are. He has even had to correct fellow experts at a world conference on global megacities of the future.

"They were trying to paint a really doom and gloom picture of these unmanageable urban giants, megacities with a population range of 20 to 30 million people.

"They were saying China will easily have a few of those in that range, which is not true - they are just picking up on a wrong definition. That gloom and doom scenario will definitely need to be revised."
BBC

Ask My Dog

2012-01-31T09:46:00.000+07:00

Harry Redknapp told Dibble during interviews he "writes like a two year old", a court has heard. He said:

"I am not going to fiddle taxes, I pay my accountant a fortune to look after me. I am completely and utterly disorganised. I write like a two-year-old and I can't spell."

That's an excuse for fiddling your taxes? Surely that's the educational level of the entire footballing elite- are they also screwing the tax man? Sorry, scratch that- what a stupid question...

Bleedin' Hell

2012-01-31T09:38:00.002+07:00

Just having a nose bleed as we speak. Not had one of those in years, but coupled with the running nose, my tissues are a soggy mass of multicoloured messes. Not pleasant and something I really could do without. :-(

Turned Cooler

2012-01-31T09:36:00.000+07:00

Must have dropped a few degrees in the past couple of days and we're still getting an almost daily downpour of rain that last around fifteen minutes. We reckon we've sussed why. The m-i-l is due out on 5th March and the weather is just practising...

Mash With Stock

2012-01-31T09:33:00.002+07:00

I'm also a fan of the AFC (no, not the Arse Football Club, rather the Asian Food Channel) and one intriguing twist on making mash was to use stock instead of milk. The presenter mashed up his spuds and then used chicken stock to bind them and I have to say, that looks like a neat idea and one we'll have to try one day. I'd still add butter, mind.

Murdoch & Lewis

2012-01-31T09:31:00.000+07:00

Monday nights are the only night worth staying in for (not that I had any choice yesterday as I was bedridden) and after the quite marvellous Murdoch (think CSI Meets Sherlock Holmes out in Canada) we have Lewis, the off-shoot of Morse.

Best of all, at least with Lewis, is that you don't get any ad breaks. Heaven.

Quote/Unquote

2012-01-31T09:28:00.002+07:00

"If history repeats itself, and the unexpected always happens, how incapable must Man be of learning from experience."

- George Bernard Shaw

Karaoke

2012-01-31T09:27:00.001+07:00

Never been a fan of this as I have little musical talent and struggle to even get a CD to play well. However, I do enjoy watching the braver amongst us give it a go and if I'm off my death bed on Thursday, we're off to Asok with Maggie & Cameron and their newly arrived friends to see what the locals can offer.

Should be fun.

Snot Update

2012-01-31T09:25:00.000+07:00

Lots.

It's blown into a full head cold and between the hacking cough, the dripping nose and general aches and pains, there's very little to add. I'm sure I'll be over the worst of it by tomorrow and then up and onwards, because we've got plenty of packing to do before the weekend.

May 4th

2012-01-31T08:34:00.000+07:00

17 Weird Examples of Star Wars Merchandise, as per Oddee:

Zombie Wars Posters

If Star Wars is awesome and Zombies are awesome, then combining the two is surely a stroke of awesome brilliance.

(Buy it Here)

Monster Star Wars Characters Bobbleheads

Like the Zombie Wars posters, these bobbleheads combine an awesome sci-fi movie with some classically awesome movie monsters. Yoda is a zombie, Chewbacca is a werewolf and Darth is Frankenstein.(Buy it Here | Buy it Here | Buy it Here)

Jedi & Sith Bathrobes

Ever wonder what Jedis wear when they are just lounging around the house? As it turns out, their bathrobes look almost the exact same as their street clothes, only they come in soft terrycloth.(Buy it Here)

R2-D2 Aquarium

Everyone loves R2-D2, but sometimes having a lifesize replica in your home can just take up too much valuable space. Fortunately, this stylish fish tank gives your swimming friends and your favorite droid a cool place to hang out together while making your place look awesome.(Link)

Galactic Funk Album

Sure the Star Wars soundtrack is pretty bumping on its own, but just imagine the complete and total level of awesomeness that occurs when you mix the cantina song with some sweet disco and funk beats.(Link)

The Star Wars Cookbooks

When your wookiee needs a cookie, there is no better resource to make him feel like he's back in the relaxed forest of Tatooine. Better yet, since one recipe book couldn't possibly contain all of your favorite Star Wars recipes, there are even two volumes for your baking, frying and chopping pleasures.(Buy it Here | Buy it Here | Photo)

C-3PO's Cereal

I don't know about you, but when I think about droids, I don't think about munching down on their delicious nuts and bolts. For some reason, the marketing team at Kellogg's during the 1980's did though and this bizarre part of a balanced breakfast came into creation.(Link)

The Dark Side Coffee

If you like your coffee black and you like your force to be dark, what better way to blend the two than with this gourmet coffee blend that has been hand roasted by Storm Troopers? It's a perfect accompaniment to some droid Os.(Buy it Here)

Darth Vader Imprinting Toaster

If you're looking to make lunch a little more force-friendly, then make yourself some Darth Vader toast, whip up some tuna salad and enjoy a darkside tuna melt. Finally your breakfast, lunch and dinner can all belong in a galaxy far, far away.(Buy it Here)

Space Slug Oven Mitt

If you need some help getting your Tusken Raider Taters out of the oven, this space slug is happy to help, just make sure you never make the mistake of thinking he is actually a cave.(Buy it Here)

Light Saber Chopsticks

Of course, to eat all of your delicious intergalactic delicacies, you'll need to pick up the right eating utensils for the job and these light saber chopsticks are just the ticket.(Buy it Here)

Pond Wars Ducks

There's nothing quite as relaxing as a nice long bath, unless that bath happens to be the center for an intergalactic war between the ultimate evil republic and the freedom fighting rebels. Did I mention these guys glow in multiple colors thanks to sweet LED lights?(Link)

Tauntaun Sleeping Bag

This delightful piece of merchandise is so ridiculous that it was actually created as an April Fool's Day prank. Think Geek got so many requests for the item that they ended up getting the rights to make the sleeping bag become a reality.(Buy it Here)

Wampa Skin Rug

Sleeping inside of a tauntaun is really only a necessity in the freezing extremes of Hoth. When you're ready for a more sophisticated night of romance by the fire, only the skin of a vicious wampa will do.(Buy it Here)

Eau Lando Cologne & Slave Leia Perfume

Billy Dee Williams is a pretty big stud, leaving Lando Calrissian to take on that role by proxy. If you've ever wanted to pull in the babes like Lando, then you'd better get to spritzing. As for the geeky ladies who wish they belonged in Jabba's harem, there's also a special perfume for you.(Link 1 | Link 2)

Lando Calrissian Disguise Kit

If your problem with ladies isn't related to your smell, but rather, your looks, then relax and let the Lando Calrissian Disguise Kit help you pass yourself off as the studly administrator of Cloud City.(Link)

Rejected Merchandise

With some of the crazy merchandise that has been put out there, it actually seems strange that these great ideas would be canned. Personally, I would love to get my hands on a Death Star barbecue, Princess Leia braid headphones and a Jabba bean bag.(Link)

C & H

2012-01-30T08:48:00.006+07:00

Surprising

2012-01-30T08:48:00.003+07:00

More money is spent on chicken noodle soup than any other canned food.

Super (Bowl) VFM?

2012-01-30T08:48:00.000+07:00

A 30 second commercial slot at this year's Super Bowl, will cost $3.5 million (~£2.2 million), according to television executives, which is up $500 000 from last year.

More madness.

Pick a Day, Any Day

2012-01-30T08:46:00.003+07:00

Hundreds of acts, from acrobats to orchestras have ushered in the Year of the Dragon in London, in what is apparently the largest Chinese New Year party outside of China.

London's Trafalgar Square became a riot of colour yesterday (Sunday) as thousands of people gathered to enjoy the festivities, which included a giant firecracker display and the traditional dancing dragons.

So why was it a week late?

That's That Then

2012-01-30T08:44:00.000+07:00

The idea that women cannot park is a fallacy, according to research, which indicated that female drivers are more adept than men at manoeuvring into a space. Covert* surveillance of car parks across Britain has shown that while women may take longer to park, they are more likely to leave their vehicles in the middle of a bay.

The study is one of the most comprehensive ever conducted on gender driving differences, and took into account seven key components of parking styles.

Women were also found to be better at finding spaces, more accurate in lining themselves up before starting each manoeuvre, and more likely to adopt instructors’** preferred method of reversing into bays.

Men were shown to be more skilled at driving forwards into spaces and more confident overall, with fewer opting to reposition their car once in a bay.

Hardly something we weren't aware of before, I can't quite grasp the need for such research. It only adds fuel to the smouldering fire and achieves exactly what?

*Don't they call that "spying"?

**What, these same instructors that suggest not crossing hands when turning, that only Plod adhere to?

Bold Faced

2012-01-30T08:38:00.000+07:00

In 1982, the typographic font used for the "m" on M & Ms was changed from Bookman to Garamond Bold.

This switch cost Mars the manufacturers $8.6 million dollars.

All in the Name

2012-01-30T08:33:00.000+07:00

Sometimes, you can just tell that TV writers enjoy giving ridiculous names to the characters they create. Whether it’s a funny rhyme, play on words or just outright silly collection of syllables, there have been more than a few TV characters with pretty hilarious names. Guyism offers the following:

10 Chandler Bing – Friends

Given that his parents were an erotic novelist and cross-dressing burlesque dancer, it’s not really a surprise that Chandler Bing has such a ridiculous name. Further adding insult to injury, his middle name is Muriel. Although, I guess he should count himself lucky that his name isn’t the same as what is printed on his TV Guide subscription: “Chanandler Bong.”

9 Nescobar-A-Lop-Lop – My Name is Earl

There are a number of funny-named TV characters in My Name is Earl (Earl Hickey, Frank Stump, Willie the One-Eyed Mailman, Patty the Daytime Hooker, etc.) However, it’s hard to beat out the ESL African immigrant who goes by the name Nescobar-A-Lop-Lop.

8 Beaver Cleaver – Leave it to Beaver

Theodore “Beaver” Cleaver just may very well be the original funny-named TV character. Apparently, the nickname comes from the fact that his older brother was too young to properly speak the boy’s actual name when he was born -– a fact that resulted in him misspeaking “Theodore” as “Beaver.”

7 “Big Pussy” Bonpensiero – The Sopranos

Here’s another unfortunate nickname that has strong sexual undertones. Salvatore “Big Pussy” Bonpensiero started out as a cat burglar in his early days of crime. Add in the fact that Sal has a body frame that is best accommodated at a big and tall store, and it’s not hard to see where the affectionate term comes from.

6 Roseanne Roseannadanna – Saturday Night Live

If ever there was a tongue-twister of a name, this would be it. Portrayed by Gilda Radner on the early days of Saturday Night Live, the brash character often appeared on “Weekend Update” segments to answer questions on current events. Supposedly, the name is based off of real life news reporter Rose Ann Scamardella.

5 Luanne Platter – King of the Hill

Did you know that the Lu Ann Platter is a popular combo dinner at the restaurant chain Luby’s Cafeteria? If you don’t live in Texas, then you probably had no idea (as this is where Luby’s Restaurants can be found). Given that King of the Hill is largely a satire of suburban Texas living, this makes young Luanne’s name a nice hidden joke for those Texans who enjoy eating their fried chicken and macaroni from a cafeteria tray.

4 Dr. Beardface – Scrubs

Take a look at Beardface’s beardy face, and you might initially think that the name is a pleasant nickname for the aging doctor. However, as Beardface will inform you, it’s pronounced “Beard-fuh-say.” This fact suggests that it is just a coincidence that his name and facial hair are so accurately intertwined.

3 Boner Stabbone – Growing Pains

Here’s one last unfortunate nickname for the ages. Richard Milhous “Boner” Stabbone was one of Mike’s best friends in the early seasons of the show. For some reason, the TV writers were able to slip this fairly obvious sexual innuendo into the show.

2 Apu Nahasapeemapetilon – The Simpsons

Everyone’s favorite Kwik-E-Mart employee has one of the longest and most difficult names to pronounce in television history. Of course, Apu’s octuplet children boast names just as difficult to pronounce as his own. However, in one episode he proudly displays his love for America by changing their names to Lincoln, Freedom, Condoleezza, Coke, Pepsi, Manifest Destiny, Apple Pie and Superman.

1 Bob Loblaw – Arrested Development

The Law Office of Bob Loblaw became a central plot location in the later episodes of Arrested Development. Clearly similar to the affectation “blah blah blah,” the name is somewhat of a dig on the “double talk” that lawyers tend to spout. Given the pure simple genius of the name and ability to include such advertising phrases as “Bob Loblaw No Habla Espanol,” Mr. Loblaw tops our list of funniest TV character names.

Preposterous

2012-01-30T08:26:00.001+07:00

Students fans of Beyonce will soon be able to study for a diploma on their favourite subject, now Rutgers "University" has added her to the curriculum. While her husband, rapper Jay-Z, has already been honoured with a Georgetown University sociology course named after him, it's now Beyonce's turn to be "studied" in the classroom.
Rutgers University's Department of Women's and Gender Studies will soon be exploring the social and cultural significance of the Destiny's Child singer's music and image. The course, "Politicizing [sic] Beyonce", will allow followers to explore the singer's career and debate the extent of control she has over her own image. They will also debate whether her red hot persona is an outlet of female sexual empowerment or merely complying with western gender stereotypes.

Students will also discuss other iconic female singers including Lady Gaga, Billie Holiday and Nina Simone.

This is meant to be serious, right?

More Fixtures

2012-01-30T07:20:00.003+07:00

Tuesday, 31st January 2012- Barclays Premier League

Swansea v Chelsea, 19:45

Tottenham v Wigan, 19:45

Wolverhampton v Liverpool, 19:45

Everton v Man City, 20:00

Man Utd v Stoke, 20:00

Wednesday, 1st February 2012

Aston Villa v QPR, 19:45

Blackburn v Newcastle, 20:00

Bolton v Arsenal, 20:00

Fulham v West Brom, 20:00

Sunderland v Norwich, 20:00

I have a very bad feeling about Wigan.

Round 5

2012-01-30T07:09:00.001+07:00

FA Cup fifth round draw:

Liverpool v Brighton and Hove Albion
Everton v Blackpool or Sheffield Wednesday
Chelsea v Birmingham City
Crawley Town v Stoke City

Stevenage v Tottenham Hotspur

Norwich City v Leicester City
Sunderland or Middlesbrough v Arsenal or Aston Villa
Millwall or Southampton v Bolton Wanderers

All ties to be played the weekend of 18th and 19th February

I'm not complaining at that, but nowt is a given thing and the FA cup loves its underdogs.

Looking Precarious

2012-01-30T07:04:00.001+07:00

ICC TEST RANKINGS

England - 125 points
South Africa - 117
India - 111
Australia - 111
Pakistan - 99
Sri Lanka - 98
West Indies 88
New Zealand - 83
Bangladesh - 8

England need to beat Pakistan in the final Test of the series to be sure of retaining their number one spot in the rankings at the 1st April cut-off. Should England lose, they will finish on 118 points and South Africa will take over if they win all three Tests of their series against New Zealand in March.

If England draw the final Test in Dubai they will end on 119 points but still lose their status at the top of the rankings, by 0.01 of a point, provided South Africa sweep the Black Caps.

Pakistan are fifth but if they complete a 3-0 series win over England they will close the gap on India and Australia in third and fourth to only three points.

All to play for then, but I wonder when we'll see the next batting collapse- and which side it will be...

Enterprising

2012-01-30T06:59:00.003+07:00

Djokovic Rules

2012-01-30T06:59:00.002+07:00

World number one Novak Djokovic has labelled his historic Australian Open win against close rival Rafael Nadal as the greatest moment of his career. He outlasted the 10 time Grand Slam winner to clinch an epic five-setter that went five hours 53 minutes.

"It was the longest Grand Slam final of all time. Just hearing that fact makes me cry. Wimbledon is right up there because it is the tournament I always wanted to win. But this comes out on top."

The world number one edged a gripping battle with the second seed 5-7 6-4 6-2 6-7 (5-7) 7-5.

And footie players whinge at playing a few times a week?

Quote/Unquote

2012-01-30T06:54:00.001+07:00

"You are not superior just because you see the world in an odious light."

- Vicomte de Chateaubriand

Border Run

2012-01-30T06:52:00.002+07:00

Half way into our four month stay we will need to leave the Kingdom of Thailand, cross over a border and then return. It is a little daft as the cost of such a trip may perhaps be better off just going to the government as "visa renewal tax" instead of watching the money disappear into Cambodia or Laos, but they know what they are doing and I suppose it also brings in cash to the companies that operate these "border runs".

We haven't fully looked into it, but we will need to grab a bus (it takes around 7-8 hours to the nearest border), enter into a neighbouring country, pay a visa (usually in the region of $20 or so), obtain the necessary Thai re-entry stamp (free) and then face another 7-8 hour trip back. We could of course spend the night to break up the journey and I'm sure adequate accommodation would not be too extortionate, but it does seem very time consuming.

Or we could simply fly out to KL (Malaysia has to visa fee) in the morning and fly back in the afternoon, where each flight is around one and a half hours or so. I've checked out Air Asia flights and if we book early enough, it's around £30 per person per leg, which in the scheme of things is rather good.

We have options, that's the main thing.

Looking Ahead

2012-01-30T06:45:00.001+07:00

While we will be sad to leave Bangkok and the Imm/our friends, it is of course a welcome return to Cambodia/Siem Reap. We have good accommodation at the City River Hotel, we have Savong and his Foundation to catch up with and plenty of other distractions to keep us occupied for our three week plus stay.

The we have the best return to Bangkok to date when we come back in March. First off we have wifey's mum visiting for a nearly three weeks, then we have my cousin and her hubby joining us too. Joby is also threatening to pay us a visit and an email from Karl is suggesting he too could be with us in May.

But the icing on the cake is that we will have an almost four month, uninterrupted stay in Thailand, thanks to our multi-entry visa. Man, is that going to rock.

Impending Doom

2012-01-30T06:40:00.000+07:00

With under a week left before we head off to Cambodia, we turn our attention to packing. Once over this virus, we're going to have to go through two months of accumulated stuff to sort out what we want to keep, what we will be travelling with and what we have to sadly jettison.

That will be harrowing. :-(

Collateral Damage

2012-01-30T06:37:00.002+07:00

In the United States, for every $1 spent on fireworks, there is $12.46 worth of property damaged caused by them.

Bed Rest

2012-01-30T06:30:00.002+07:00

Means that there isn't much I've done worthy of posting. I am confined to bed, I watch TV and I sleep.

The Blog was initially meant to be a tale of our adventures as we travel around the world but it seems to have spawned into a mass of hotch-potch, verbal diarrhoea, where I post up all kinds of eclectic shite that catches my eye. Some good, some bad; a scatter gun effect.

It's become quite an unwieldy monster and coupled with our lack of travel (at least to new climes at the moment) means there isn't much personal stuff to relate. I do try to relate something new every day that we have done every day but on this occasion I can only ask you to see the opening sentences.

That's it for today...

My Well Being

2012-01-30T06:24:00.003+07:00

The sweaty-shakes have passed, the aching limbs are improving and the only real problem is a worsening cough, which is painful as it causes a splitting headache. I reckon another day or two in bed and I'll see the back of it.

Thanks for asking. :o)

C & H

2012-01-29T10:54:00.004+07:00

Time For Bed

2012-01-29T10:54:00.000+07:00

Sorry folks. I've given it my best but I'm feeling worse and I need to go back to bed. We'll catch up tomorrow but we'll leave you with C & H next.

What's Your Tipple?

2012-01-29T10:52:00.004+07:00

Poisoning is the most common form of political assassination by a three to one margin.

Travel Travails- 10

2012-01-29T10:52:00.001+07:00

10 Cruise tipping
The problem
There is nothing that flusters British travellers more than tipping. When? Who? How much? It’s a minefield. The Americans are to blame. Not only do they tip anything that moves, but they do it so generously they put the rest of us on the spot. Knowing who and how much to tip is a particular problem on tailor-made tours, treks and safaris, where you’re faced with a phalanx of drivers, guides, hotel staff and waiters to “thank”. And cruise holidays are tricky too, particularly for novices.
On some ships, you will find in your cabin at the end of the voyage envelopes in which you are expected to place tips. On others, charges of between £4 and £8 a day are added automatically to each passenger’s shipboard account to cover tips – in addition to service charges of up to 15 per cent on bar orders, and up to 18 per cent for spa treatments. You can ask to have the daily levy removed from your bill, but it’s an awkward request.
The solution
When you book, you need to be told clearly which charges are included and what you are expected to tip for a reasonable level of service. Some operators provide in advance details of exactly how much per day you are expected to tip guides and camp staff. This means you can calculate the extra cost before going and not have to scrabble at the bottom of your bag for change. The cruise line Saga and some of the luxury lines, such as Seabourn, SeaDream and Silversea, include all extras, including service charges, in the cost of the holiday. Then, if you do want to tip for exceptional service, it becomes the voluntary gesture of appreciation it once was.

Travel Travails- 9

2012-01-29T10:51:00.000+07:00

9 Hotel reviews
The problem
User-generated content has become hugely important in travel. TripAdvisor is leading the way and now claims to be the biggest travel site of them all with some 50 million users a month. It wields enormous power, and the hotel industry knows it. Many within the industry manipulate its reviews. And who can blame them? A series of good or bad TripAdvisor reviews has a huge impact on our travelling habits. But too many times one reads that a hotel is the best in the world, only to scroll down and find it described as the worst. Can that really be possible?
TripAdvisor claims to be self-policing and to have safeguards, but too often these have been exposed. It is a genuinely great concept that is a victim of its own success.
The solution
Simple. People should be allowed to leave reviews only if they can prove they have visited the hotel or restaurant they are reviewing. The likes of Expedia and Hotels.com manage that. For as long as there is anonymity, questions over trust and reliability will always be present.

Travel Travails- 8

2012-01-29T10:50:00.000+07:00

8 In-flight niggles
The problem
There is one thing that adds greatly to air passengers’ sense of being herded like farm animals, and that is the way they are treated in economy class. While airlines have poured millions into redesigning club class to offer flat beds and a civilised atmosphere, the vast majority who travel at the back of the plane (and pay for their seats with their own money) have seen virtually no improvements whatsoever.
In fact, things have got worse. Meals – as inedible as ever – now frequently have to be paid for, service is agonisingly slow, any flight longer than two or three hours becomes an endurance test, and – because of the pitiful amount of legroom – overnight flying is agony. Even flagship airlines, such as British Airways, offer among the most cramped conditions, with only a 31in pitch (the distance between one seat back and another).
The solution
A few airlines manage to offer a 34in pitch – a 10 per cent improvement on the normal layout: these include Malaysia, Thai and Air New Zealand – all airlines that also have a decent reputation for service. It’s time the others caught up.

Travel Travails- 7

2012-01-29T10:49:00.000+07:00

7 Airport misery
The problem
Queues and crowds seem to induce a strange reaction in the people charged with managing them. They forget that the lines of bored, tired and frustrated travellers are not sheep to be penned up until it is convenient to move them on. They are individuals who require looking after.
The most extreme example of this came last October when an Air India flight from Mumbai, bound for a fog-blanketed Heathrow, was diverted to Gatwick and left sitting on the Tarmac for nine hours, the airline refusing to let those on board disembark. But a failure to understand the needs of individuals is pervasive at lower levels, and nowhere more so than in airports, where delays and queuing – at check-in, security, boarding, before take-off, during holding patterns before landing, immigration and baggage retrieval – are endemic.
The solution
There is no doubt that the enormous pressure of flights and passengers on London’s overstretched airports makes them particularly prone to delays and passenger frustration. More capacity is desperately needed. In the meantime, Terminal Five at Heathrow shows that well-designed terminals can make flying more pleasurable. Elsewhere, a simple recognition among staff that queues are composed of individual customers – not ill-deserving children – would make a world of difference.

Travel Travails- 6

2012-01-29T10:48:00.000+07:00

6 Unfair fares
The problem
Put simply, there is a shameless manipulation of pricing clearly designed to give customers the impression that fares and holidays are cheaper than they really are. Once we have been drawn in by what is seemingly a bargain price, extras – for baggage, payment cards, airline meals, administration, under-occupancy, regional departures, resort transfers and so on – are gradually added during the booking process in the expectation that the weary consumer has invested so much time in the booking that he or she will sigh – and carry on. Airlines and tour operators argue that this approach to pricing gives customers more choice and lowers costs for those who don’t want extras. But it’s boring, time-consuming and confusing for passengers and customers. The only other services sold in such an unclear way are electricity and gas. And the utilities companies have promised to reform their pricing policies.
The solution
Telegraph Travel has been campaigning for greater clarity in the pricing of flights and holidays for many years. Recently there have been signs that some government agencies are willing to take a more proactive approach. The Advertising Standards Authority recently ruled against a lack of clarity in TUI’s offers of free child places, and the Office of Fair Trading has criticised inflated charges for credit and debit card bookings. More clarity is desperately needed.

Travel Travails- 5

2012-01-29T10:47:00.000+07:00

5 Single supplements
The problem
Most single people accept that they have to pay a little more for their holiday. They know that hotels and cruise ships are loath to accept half what they could earn from a double room or cabin. The problem is that singles often end up having to pay the extra cost even though they are given a single room – one that is too small to be sold to a couple. These are often at the back of the hotel, or the less desirable locations such as over the kitchens or service areas – they do not represent good value, or fair treatment.
The solution
Some operators are becoming more imaginative about offering holidays free of supplements, though usually this is confined to the off or shoulder season. If a hotel or cruise ship knows it is not going to sell out, there is little excuse for exploiting solo travellers. Much more effort can and should be made to accommodate them at a fair price.

Travel Travails- 4

2012-01-29T10:46:00.003+07:00

4 Holiday protection
The problem
In a word, confusion. Most package holidays are protected through schemes such as Atol so that customers who have paid in advance get a refund if the travel agent or tour operator fails before they are due to travel, or they are repatriated if stranded abroad. But there are many loopholes, and it can be hard to be sure where you stand.
For example, there is no legal requirement for an airline to cover you under the Atol scheme if you book a flight and hotel through its website. Some do offer cover (BA Holidays, for example), many don’t. Some passengers are covered on a flight-only booking with a scheduled airline; many aren’t.
The solution
Holiday protection is currently under review, and some improvements are expected next year. One important development will be the issuing of certificates to all those who are covered. But holiday bookings on airline websites may be covered for at least two years; and most flight-only arrangements will still be excluded. Only when all air passengers are automatically covered will travellers be able to rest easy.

Travel Travails- 3

2012-01-29T10:45:00.003+07:00

3 Hotel charges
The problem
How often have you gone to settle a hotel bill only to find the goodbye-and-thank-you smile freeze on your face as you take in the final tally – and the sheaf of extra charges. In the past year, and at various hotels charging £150 a night and more, readers have complained of having to pay £40 for a bottle of wine with dinner (because there was nothing cheaper on the list), £22 for ironing a couple of shirts (there was no ironing board), £6 for a couple of bottles of water from the minibar and more than £5 an hour for Wi-Fi use. According to a recent Which? report, many hotels charge for internet access over 24 hours, which can set you back more than £20 a day. Given that Wi-Fi access doesn’t cost the hotel anything – and that many do not charge for the privilege – it is impossible not to feel that you are being fleeced.
The solution
Hotels should make internet access fully free; and throw in two 33ml bottles of (still) water without charge. And how about some affordable wines on the menu?

Travel Travails- 2

2012-01-29T10:44:00.003+07:00

2 Costly rail
The problem
With its 15-minute journey time from London Paddington to the airport, the Heathrow Express is undoubtedly the speediest, most efficient and least painful way of travelling to and from the capital and Britain’s premier airline hub. It is also, at £34 return, one of the most exorbitant per mile train trips in the world. The Gatwick Express (£33.20 return from London Victoria) and the Stansted Express (£31.50 return from London Liverpool Street) are almost as bad. Rail travel in Britain generally can often prove prohibitively expensive.
A member of the Telegraph Travel team wanting a last-minute return ticket from London to Newcastle recently ended up paying £289 for the privilege. Trains are rightly hailed as “greener”, more passenger-friendly alternatives to planes, but at these prices the pleasure is hugely diminished.
The solution
We may have some of the most expensive fares in the world, but if you research carefully we also have some of the cheapest. To get those, travel outside peak hours and book well ahead and online (preferably on the train lines’ own websites or through redspottedhanky.com). Alternatively, coaches are almost always cheaper; flights can be too.
For travel to and from the airports, look for cheaper options: if you don’t want the hassle of the tube, the Heathrow Connect, for instance, between Paddington and Heathrow, takes 10 minutes longer but costs just £18.20 return. If there are three or four of you, taking a minicab may prove cheaper. Or you could drive (but then you face the exorbitant cost of airport parking).
Here’s another option: jump on the Eurostar to Paris (from £69 return from London St Pancras).

Travel Travails- 1

2012-01-29T10:43:00.003+07:00

1 Air passenger duty
The problem
British air passengers are already the most heavily taxed in the world. Last year, the Treasury collected almost twice as much in passenger taxes (£2.2 billion) as all other European countries combined. Seemingly every year the Government increases taxes on air passengers, despite howls of opposition from all across the industry.
The Government has refused to remove any of the obvious iniquities of APD – those flying to the Caribbean are charged more than those going to the United States, passengers in premium economy pay the same as those lying flat in first class. And still, private jets are not taxed. At least the Government has finally admitted that APD is not a “green” tax.
The solution
In the current economic climate it might not be realistic to repeal this iniquitous tax (as the Dutch and Belgians have done), but it must be reduced, not least to save more routes from being cut, to protect the economies of tourism-dependent regions and to enable Britons to afford their annual holiday.
Furthermore, let’s give our Caribbean friends a break and straighten out the banding issues that deter people from visiting the islands and, of course, include private jets – not only are they the most environmentally unfriendly form of transport but they carry the people who can most afford to pay the tax. More than 45,000 Telegraph readers have signed our petition against APD. To join them, go to telegraph.co.uk/apd.

TTel

Buy V Rent

2012-01-29T10:35:00.005+07:00

Home owners who have taken out recent deals typically pay £600 a month for a three bedroom house, amounting to £116 or 16% less than the average of £716 paid a month for renting one.

Wales is the only area of the UK where renting is cheaper than buying, with owning a home costing £5 a month more than renting.

Buying is most affordable relative to renting in London, with the average borrower paying £1 089, 10.2% less per month than the typical private tenant.

The overall figures show a significant about-turn since 2008, when the average cost of owning a home was £928, 29% higher than typical monthly rental costs of £721.

Always assuming you can dig up the deposit and find a bank who will offer you a mortgage.

Getting Chilly

2012-01-29T10:33:00.005+07:00

After one of the mildest winters on record, a weather system from Siberia could see night time temperatures fall as low as -9 C in some areas.

The Met Office has issued a "Level 2" cold weather health warning for England, running from 18:00 tonight (Sunday) until Wednesday morning.

The severe weather comes with high ground in northern England and Scotland already under a blanket of snow. More than two inches fell over the Pennines on Friday and on Saturday. In parts of Cheshire, roads were closed on Saturday by heavy snow and ice, while on Friday night around 100 cars become stuck in snow near Castleton, Derbyshire.

Across County Durham, heavy snow flurries also led to perfect sledging conditions.

Snow in Durham? Who'd have thought it?

Howzat?

2012-01-29T10:29:00.000+07:00

Chocolate Philadelphia

2012-01-29T10:15:00.000+07:00

Kraft foods (who took over Cadbury) have announced they are taking Britain's most famous chocolate brand "in a new direction"- by pairing it with cream cheese.

Philadelphia with Cadbury is a "chilled chocolate spread" made from Philadelphia Light and Cadbury chocolate. Kraft has high hopes for the new product, and expects to rake in £10 million in sales in the first year alone.

With 86 calories per 30 g serving, the brand are targeting "guilty snackers", hoping they'll eat the spread as an alternative to Nutella. Expect to see the new line in the shops from 1st February.

I can see that working- we have sweet cheese cakes, so why not add chocolate? Don't think I'll bother personally though.

I Have a Vision

2012-01-29T10:01:00.002+07:00

DAVID Cameron is acting as if he is the dictator of the People's Republic of Gaydonia, the Archbishop of York has claimed.

Spritzer believed that heterosexual intercourse made your teeth fall out

John Sentamu said the prime minister's insistence on legalising gay marriage reminded him of Johann Spritzer, the notorious despot who created Gaydonia in 1912.

Sentamu said: "Spritzer staged a coup, threw out the democratically elected government, changed the name of the country from British Honduras and forced everyone to be gay.

"Vicars were forced to marry two men who were being forced to marry each other. Luckily there was plenty of food otherwise the entire country would have died of starvation."

He added: "Mr Cameron wants to turn Britain into 'New Gaydonia' despite there being absolutely no mention of it in the Bible.

"If New Gaydonia was meant to happen it would be right there in the New Testament alongside heart transplants and the MMR vaccine. Jesus said 'let the little children come unto me for vaccination' he did not say 'let the little children be flower girls at the wedding of Brian and Steve'.

"And anyway it is not the job of the state to define marriage, it is the job of the state to give tax breaks to encourage it. It will be defined by me and some of my friends."

Archbishop Sentamu is also calling for primary schools to teach the 'tragic history' of Gaydonia so that children can learn about the dangers of a state founded on the principles of non-traditional intercourse.

After a surge in economic growth Gaydonia suffered a prolonged slump as most of the population were highly-skilled white collar professionals but no-one knew how to fix a toilet.

Following Spritzer's death in 1955 the country reverted to a multi-sexual democracy and changed its name to Belize.

DM

Immoral

2012-01-29T09:59:00.002+07:00

OK, I'm not a fan of Athletics, much less the bloated and over-hyped Olympics, but I do see that having been dumped with hosting them this year, ~~England~~ London has to make it worthwhile. However, to spend £27million on the opening ceremony is quite simply obscene. In fact, that figure rises to £81 million if you include the closing parades (Paralympics).

Yes, there are advantages (advertising is rumoured to be worth up to £5 billion in airtime exposure) but what's wrong with the good old style of getting the competing teams to take a lap around the stadium with their flags? I think it's all wrong and to justify it by saying they will be spending a lot less than the previous two Games does not justify this horrendous waste of money.

Cast of 15 000 volunteers
23 000 costumes
12 hours of music
60 musicians
15 000 sq metres of staging
13 000 propos
one million watt PA system with 500 speakers

You can read more at the BBC

Making Convo

2012-01-29T09:45:00.002+07:00

One in eight people flying on an aeroplane will learn the name and occupation of someone previously unknown to them while on the flight.

I'm struggling to recall if I have ever had that happen to us- and we fly quite a bit.

FA Cup Next Round

2012-01-29T09:45:00.000+07:00

Two fourth-round matches are still to be played today: Sunderland host Middlesbrough before Arsenal entertain Aston Villa, with the draw for the next round taking place between them. The fifth round games will be played on the weekend of 18th-19th February.

Boycott 's Verdict

2012-01-29T09:42:00.003+07:00

Former England captain Geoffrey Boycott has described England's performance in the 72-run Test defeat by Pakistan as one of the worst he has ever witnessed. Andrew Strauss's side were bundled out for 72 on the fourth day in Abu Dhabi as Pakistan clinched the series. Boycott said:

"I've seen some poor performances in 25 years of playing and 23 years of commentating and that's as bad as I've seen. What a load of rubbish. You have to see it to believe it how poor it was.

They've got enough back room staff being paid a fortune, they're the number one side in the world, but have never won on the sub-continent and on this performance never will."

It was a display that made a mockery of England's position at the top of the Test rankings and showed just how much work they have to do to become a force on slow, turning pitches.

More at the BBC

Pathetic

2012-01-29T09:40:00.003+07:00

Pakistan beat England by 72 runs

Pakistan 1st Innings 257 all out (96.4 overs)	Pakistan 2nd Innings 214 all out (99.2 overs)
England 1st Innings 327 all out (112.0 overs)	England 2nd Innings 72 all out (36.1 overs)

Simply awful- and England are the best Test side in the world?

Full FA Cup Results

2012-01-29T09:37:00.000+07:00

Oh Shite

2012-01-29T09:36:00.000+07:00

I confidently convinced wifey that Newcastle would breeze past Brighton and lo and behold, they get beaten 1-0. I'm hoping that because I'm not feeling too well she'll go easy on me...

Quote/Unquote

2012-01-29T09:33:00.001+07:00

"No man is exempt from saying silly things; the mischief is to say them deliberately."

- Michel de Montaigne

Sounds About Right

2012-01-29T09:32:00.001+07:00

The average age of the spectators at the December, 2007 Led Zeppelin concert was 47 years, four months.

They'd be the only people who could afford the price of a ticket...

Not Feeling too Good

2012-01-29T09:25:00.000+07:00

Around about lunch time yesterday I started to get the shakes and while feeling terribly cold, began sweating profusely. A nasty cough, a pounding headache and aching limbs all don't bode too well for the next few days and certainly not the best way to see out our final week in Bangkok.

I'll be spending most of today in bed and hope it's a 24 hour bug, but at the moment I'm certainly not feeling myself and won't be on the Blog too much until I feel considerably better. :-(

First Thai Filum

2012-01-29T09:22:00.002+07:00

Was what we watched last night, called "Me, Myself".

We're getting a bit fed up of same, same and finally found a Thai movie with English subtitles.

A gentle tale of humour, grief, life and romance,it centres around a man called Tan, who has lost his memory after being knocked down by Oom, a professional women about to get promotion. Due to her accident, she has to take him in and look after him and that is how a budding relationship begins.

Ultimately, Tans memory recovers and he realises all is not that it seems- with devastating consequences for all concerned.

I could offer more detail but it will spoil the story (SPOILER ALERT: there's a clue in the previous post) but I doubt anyone will bother to track this movie down, which is a shame. It's definitely worth a look.

Dude Looks Like a Lady

2012-01-29T09:14:00.004+07:00

Just back from holiday in Thailand and l came so close to shagging a ladyboy.

Looked like a lady, walked like a lady, talked like a lady, kissed like a lady!

It was when she drove me to her place and reversed her car into a space first time...

l thought "hang on a minute..."

C & H

2012-01-28T12:39:00.002+07:00

Nice Touch

2012-01-28T12:38:00.004+07:00

The crew of the Finnair flight AY201, which was flying from Helsinki to New Delhi broke out into dance moves reminiscent of an Indian blockbuster. Around 24 of the airline's crew emerged in traditional Indian attire, then proceeded to dance in a choreographed fashion to Bollywood music.

Finnair employees said the dance was intended to commemorate India’s 63rd Republic Day.

Welcome to Britland

2012-01-28T12:36:00.000+07:00

A shopper and her young granddaughter spent 75 minutes trapped in a supermarket lift after health and safety rules stopped staff pushing a button to rescue them, it is claimed.

Although staff attended the emergency they couldn't touch a control button to release the lift because they "weren't qualified" and instead, a trained technician was called out and he simply pressed the same button to free them- and hour and 15 minutes later.

Read both sides of the conflicting story at TTel

Some Good Stuff Here

2012-01-28T12:33:00.003+07:00

This sign was posted on Seattle's "Tangletown" neighborhood (southwest of Greenlake).(Link)

This sign was posted in North Carolina; and I think we have a lot in common, I love to sing “The Andy Griffith Show” song too!
(Link)

Nice cat! I think I'm going to take it home!(Link)
(Link)

Was the dog off his medication when they took this picture?(Link)

I just wonder how does a chicken look when it is unhappy…?(Link)

(Link)

The biggest cat I've ever seen!(Link)

That's easy to find!(Link)

(Link)

(Link)

This is the evidence that unicorns are not just in fairy tale books!(Link)

It's a Start

2012-01-28T12:31:00.000+07:00

Two holidays a year, meaningful conversation twice a week and cuddles 11 times in a fortnight are among the secrets to a happy marriage include, a study has revealed.

It shows that couples benefit from taking a short break away together twice a year and eating out in restaurants at least three times a month, and it pays to be affectionate, as wedded folk tend to share a lingering kiss six times a week, have sex twice a week and say "I love you" up to nine times a fortnight.

However, it doesn't need to be sweetness and light the whole time- as the average happy couple has at least one healthy argument a week.

So what about being on a permanent holiday, eating out daily and having the time to spen with your partner 24/7?

We celebrate our 25th anniversary next month. :o)

TTel

Good News for the M-i-L

2012-01-28T12:27:00.000+07:00

Having a cup of tea has long been the preferred way for the English to relax, but now scientists have found tea really does lower the blood pressure and could prevent heart disease.

Drinking eight cups of black leaf tea, such as Earl Grey or English Breakfast, a day “significantly” cuts blood pressure, researchers at the University of Western Australia found.

More at TTel

That's Told Her

2012-01-28T12:23:00.003+07:00

“Fillets” is the name of the fish & chip shop in town.

Under the Thumb

2012-01-28T12:23:00.000+07:00

12 of the most whipped husbands and boyfriends in TV history, as per Guyism:

The whipped husband/boyfriend has long been a staple of TV comedy. “Ha ha, he is so weak and women are so awesome. This is relevant to my interests,” said the generic housewife that TV sitcoms are desperate to court. Here are the 12 most horrendously whipped husbands and boyfriends in popular TV show history.

12 Niles Crane Frasier

Though we never actually see Niles’ first wife, Maris, there are plenty of references to help us conclude that she is one of the most domineering and awful wives in all of history. Despite her manipulation and demoralizing behavior towards Niles, he sticks with her well through the fourth season of the show. Thankfully, Niles eventually grows a pair and goes through with the divorce proceedings.

11 Dan Connor Roseanne

If you’re unlucky enough to be married to Roseanne, then it’s pretty safe to say that you won’t be wearing the pants in the family. Though Dan had his moments of rebellion, he pretty much spent all nine seasons of the show tucked squarely in the back pocket of his loud-mouthed and abrasive blue-collar wifey.

10 Philip J. Fry Futurama

Back in the 20th century, Fry had the misfortune of going out with a callous and selfish girl named Michelle. Despite escaping to the 31st century, Michelle shows up via cryogenic freezing to torment Fry in the future. When your girlfriend convinces you to leave all your friends behind and freeze yourself for another one thousand years, you know you’ve got one pussy-whipped boyfriend on your hands.

9 George Costanza Seinfeld

After getting engaged to Susan Biddle Ross, George quickly came to realize the catastrophe that his “two worlds were colliding.” Unfortunately, Relationship George was a stifled and unhappy man from the moment of the engagement. Fortunately, Susan licked one too many toxic envelopes and George was able to celebrate his emancipation back into bachelorhood by eating a block of cheese in his underwear.

8 Hal Malcolm in the Middle

Lois and Hal had a similar relationship as Roseanne and Dan Connor. Lois barked the orders, while Hal obediently complied. Prior to meeting Lois and becoming a low-level and mild-mannered desk jockey, Hal apparently used to be a supreme badass who hosted his own pirate radio station (under the moniker, Kid Charlemagne). Sadly, Lois stripped all rebellion out the man and quickly turned him into her drone.

7 Mr. Slave South Park

Mr Slave is whipped both literally and figuratively by his gay lover Mr. Garrison. As a masochist, Mr. Slave delights in being bossed around and told what to do. What he can’t stand for, however, is a boyfriend with a vagina. When Mr. Garrison gets a sex change, it breaks the love spell and Mr. Slave takes his subversive tendencies elsewhere (namely, into the waiting arms of Big Gay Al).

6 Larry Almada Drew Carey Show

Larry Almada was a minor character in the Drew Carey Show, but he was one royally pussy-whipped dude. As the boy toy of Winfred-Lauder executive Mrs. Lauder (who is decrepitly old), Larry routinely finds himself resorting to demeaning errands and sexual acts. I don’t care who you are, resorting to sex with a walking corpse is one sure sign you’re whipped.

5 Al Bundy Married…With Children

While Al wasted away as a shoe salesman, his wife, Peggy, sat at home all day eating bon-bons and spending all his money. And when he finally returned home from a long day of work, there was no dinner or happiness waiting for him. While most men wouldn’t put up with such a lazy, non-supportive wife, Al quietly resigned himself to the “Bundy curse” years ago.

4 Tom Peters Tom Goes to the Mayor

Poor Tom Peters can’t catch a break. As if his unfortunate relationship with the Mayor of Jefferton wasn’t enough, he also has to deal with a completely fat and disgusting wife at home. As one example of domination Joy Peters subjects to her husband, Tom’s winning idea of creating a renewable power source is eventually foiled because his wife refuses to give him access to their laptop, which she is using to have online sex.

3 Tony Micelli Who’s the Boss

Who’s the boss? Well, it certainly isn’t the man maid that spent his days dusting cabinets and cooking dinner. Though Tony’s relationship with Angela Bower was purely professional for the majority of the show, an attraction between the two was always there. Regardless of whether or not they were dating at the time, wearing a frilly apron and getting paid to do the household chores isn’t exactly a manly pastime.

2 George Jetson The Jetsons

The start of every Jetsons episode begins with Jane Jetson cleaning out George’s wallet before heading out to the retro-futuristic shopping mall. If George had a healthy dose of testosterone, he’d put that shopaholic wife of his in her place.

1 Michael Scott The Office

Michael Scott is so starved for love that he’s even willing to put up with the belittling and bossy behavior of Jan Levinson. During his time with Jan, she successfully weaseled her way into his home and ran up Michael’s credit card bills until he was in a mountain of debt. Though Michael finally summoned the courage to move on, their relationship can be summed with the fact that Jan once made Michael dress up in a school girl costume to fulfill a sexual fantasy of hers.

Bless

2012-01-28T12:18:00.002+07:00

In a survey of elementary school children by "Weekly Reader" six in ten said their mother was the prettiest woman in the world, with most of the remainder choosing their teacher.

Let's hope they had burd teachers...

BTS Update

2012-01-28T12:17:00.000+07:00

Apparently one can still use the BTS trains to get to the five new stations up to Bearing (new end stop) for free for another three months.

We may well use this fact to go back on ourselves before heading into town. If anything, the carriages are fuller than ever and it's getting to be as bad as London's tube. And it doesn't matter when you travel, it's constantly busy at all times in both directions.

I think it's time they added on at least another carriage, which should be doable as the platforms are long enough.

Dross

2012-01-28T12:14:00.000+07:00

The average British man has the face of England footballer Steven Gerrard, while Lorraine Kelly is the celebrity most girls resemble, it's been revealed.

Liverpool FC legend Gerrard was the typical man in the street’s celebrity look-a-like, rated by an iPhone app which measures facial contours. The app then uses a complex algorithm to perform high-performance face identification and facial feature recognition before telling users the star they resemble most.

The second most commonly matched face belonged to shapely comedian James Corden and then Prime Minister David Cameron. As for women, Lorraine Kelly was the most common celebrity look-a-like, followed by Kelly Brook and Natalie Cassidy.

Does anyone get paid to work this shit out?

Loving Thy

2012-01-28T12:12:00.005+07:00

Police attended a disturbance at the ‘Olympic village’ last night, after a row broke out over the state of one athlete’s hedge.

With just 6 months to go, the highly competitive residents have turned their attention away from running, jumping and avoiding urine tests, focusing instead on the prestigious ‘best kept village’ award.

“This is very much a team event”, explained Janet Camber, a former shot-putt hopeful who is now the World Number Two on the state of her neighbour’s guttering.

“If anyone in this competition needs a bit of motivation to keep up with the Joneses, I’m sure we’ll decide together to dob them in to the council.”

“We may not be good at running, swimming, football, diving, hockey, gymnastics, athletics, archery or wiff-waff, but by god, can we kick up a fuss about litter.”

Olympic village turmoil

But some of the older residents have complained that newcomers don’t really understand village life. “I remember when this was all council estates”, complained Dwayne Philips.

“There was a real community spirit when we gathered around to burn an old Corsa or an unwanted bus stop.”

“These days you can’t even set fire to your own wheelie bin, without someone reporting you to the residents association.”

Camber is hopeful of at least a Silver Gilt, if she can just push through some planning changes in time for the big event.

“We’re hoping to put up fences around the less desirable properties, to block the view when the judges are here.”

“It’s not so much the taking part that’s important, it’s making sure the riff-raff can’t watch.”

RBS Bonus

2012-01-28T12:12:00.002+07:00

After Royal Bank of Scotland boss Stephen Hester was awarded a £963k bonus, taxpayers who funded the banks £45bn bailout took a few moments out to have a bit of a tut before discussing their plans for the weekend.

The levels of dissatisfaction caused by the hefty payout have led to numerous displays of shortlived contempt by taxpayers such as muttering obscenities under their breath, shaking their head and sighing.

Hester, who insists that he is definitely worth the bonus, has claimed that the rebuilding of RBS is entirely down to his expert guidance, and nothing at all to do with the bailout.

“It’s outrageous that RBS are handing out bonuses of this magnitude when they’re making job cuts and people everywhere are suffering,” said one temporarily disgruntled taxpayer.

“Anyway, I’m putting the kettle on. Fancy a brew?” they added.

Hester bonus

There was also some mild huffing after a Conservative Party spokesman revealed that the government is pleased with the size of the bonus.

“It’s bloody typical of this government!” said a another momentarily distraught taxpayer.

“They go on that we’re all in it together, but when it boils down to it………sorry, what was I talking about again?”

Following the announcement of Mr Hester’s bonus, UK Financial Investments said: “As the largest shareholder in RBS, we have worked closely with the board to ensure that bonuses create a certain amount of anger amongst the public, but not enough for them to get off their fucking arses and do anything about it.”

“The worst we expect is for a few people to go a bit red-faced and headbutt their computer keyboards, but Britain’s Got Talent starts soon, so I’m sure it will all blow over soon enough.”

“Go back to sleep Britain,” he advised.

Internet Gate

2012-01-28T12:09:00.000+07:00

Side Effect

2012-01-28T12:08:00.001+07:00

Some of the world’s most famous, civilization-altering discoveries happened by accident. Take Penicillin, for example. The guy who discovered it, Sir Alexander Fleming, simply forgot to clean up his work station one night and returned to discover the world’s first antibiotic growing right there in his unwashed petri dish.

But that’s not what this particular list is about. All the inventions here were invented very much on purpose – they just didn’t end up being used in the way their inventors had intended. Only after these inventions were repurposed – often in wildly unexpected ways – did they become famous, perhaps even civilization-alteringly so.

1. Listerine

Listerine was invented 133 years ago, first as a surgical antiseptic, but also as a cure for gonorrhea (don’t try that at home). An article from 1888 recommends Listerine “for sweaty feet, and soft corns, developing between the toes.” Over the course of the next century, it was marketed as a refreshing additive to cigarettes, a cure for the common cold, and as a dandruff treatment. But it was in the 1920s that the powerful, germ-killing liquid finally landed on its most lucrative use as a magical cure for bad breath.

2. Propecia

Propecia, that ubiquitous drug used to treat male-pattern baldness, was originally marketed as Proscar, a drug to treat the benign enlargement of the prostate. After five years on the market in the 1990s, it became clear that one of the side effects of Proscar was – you can practically see the money signs flashing in the pharmaceutical marketers’ eyes – hair growth on bald men. Cha-ching!

3. Viagra

Viagra, or Sildenafil, as it’s officially known, was originally conceived as a treatment for hypertension, angina, and other symptoms of heart disease. But Phase I clinical trials revealed that while the drug wasn’t great at treating what it was supposed to treat, male test subjects were experiencing a rather unexpected side effect: erections. A few years later, in 1998, the drug took U.S. markets by storm as a treatment for penile dysfunction and became an overnight success. It now rakes in an estimated $1.9 billion dollars a year.

4. Brandy

Brandy, that delightful, caramel-colored after dinner drink, started off as a byproduct of transporting wine. About 900 years ago, merchants would essentially boil the water off of large quantities of wine in order to both transport it more easily, and save on customs taxes, which were levied by volume. After a while, a few of these merchants, bored perhaps after a long day on the road, dipped into their inventory and discovered that the concentrated, or distilled, wine actually tasted pretty darn good. Voila! Brandy was born.

5. Coca-Cola

Coca-Cola, one of the world’s most famous brand names, was originally invented as an alternative to morphine addiction, and to treat headaches and relieve anxiety. Coke’s inventor, John Pemberton — a Confederate veteran of the Civil War who himself suffered from a morphine addiction — first invented a sweet, alcoholic drink infused with coca leaves for an extra kick. He called it Pemberton’s French Wine Coca. It would be another two decades before that recipe was honed, sweetened, carbonated and, eventually, marketed into what it is today: the most popular soda in the world.

6. Play-Doh

Play-Doh, that strange, brightly coloured, salty clay that all of us grew up molding and poking (and, occasionally, nibbling), was first invented in the 1930s by a soap manufacturer named Cleo McVickers, who thought he’d hit upon a fantastic wallpaper cleaner. It wasn’t for another twenty years that McVicker’s son, Joseph, repurposed the goop as clay for pre-schoolers and called it Play-Doh, a product that remains wildly popular among the under-5 crowd today.

Mental Floss

Not Sure About This

2012-01-28T12:02:00.000+07:00

We're going through a pretty heavy outburst of mosquitoes in the hotel and after we got back from town yesterday (we had the room cleaned) they had left a bag of chopped up green foliage hanging up in a mesh bag.

At least we assume it's intended for that purpose.

I'm also not sure if it will work, but anything has got to be worth a try even if it ponks to high Heaven. I'd love to know what it's called so I can research it a bit more as I am slightly sceptical of such natural "remedies".

Fitting Award

2012-01-28T10:58:00.004+07:00

BBC4 was last night named Best Channel for Stuck-Up Ponces at the National Television Awards.

BBC arts editor Will Gompertz was kicked in the face by a semi-famous Geordie

Fending off competition from Sky Arts One and Two and America's PBS, the BBC's documentary and culture channel was praised for its consistency in thinking it is better than ITV just because it has read a book and has thoughts.

Presenting the award, Paddy McGuinness said: "All the nominees do a fantastic job every day of catering to the weird, stuck-up tastes of the sort of ponces who think kiddie fiddlers are just mentally ill.

"Well done BBC4 - would you like to me to hold your monocle while you give some fancy speech about Shakespeare and Palestine?"

The awards ceremony, held in the O2 Arena after it had been converted into a massive Wetherspoon's, also saw big wins for the Downton Abbey, the Ant and the Dec and a programme where a celebrity allows us a glimpse of who they really are when all the other cameras are switched off.

TV critic Julian Cook said: "The National Television Awards are based on the very important concept that something is good because lots of people think it's good.

"This means that Jonathan Ross is good. Not shit. Not utterly fucking shit. Good.

"It means that Downton Abbey is good. Not pathetic. Not written by remedial gibbons and utterly contemptuous of its audience. Good."

After packing up its podium and cheeky one-liners, the awards bandwagon now moves on to the Baftas, the annual ceremony for things people claim they were watching when they were actually watching some tuppenny whores in a jungle.

DM

Cheer Up, It May Never Happen...

2012-01-28T10:57:00.004+07:00

PEOPLE who continually insist the days are getting longer are leaving a trail of psychological destruction across Britain, it has emerged.

'We should all go for a run after work'

As the country lurches wounded through soul-sucking darkness towards the end of January, a small army of sunny-side-up halfwits are managing to make things worse by claiming spring is almost here.

Ignoring the obvious pain caused by their observations, the optimists also insist that it is a shame to waste the light weekends by staying in bed.

Web designer Nathan Muir said: "If we're being strictly scientific than maybe it was three minutes lighter this Tuesday than last week, but if you make a point of telling me that I will assume that you are out of your mind.

"January and February are survivable if you keep your head down, drink to oblivion as often as possible and surrender yourself to the never-ending night.

"I will not now be speaking until Easter. Good day."

Carolyn Ryan, from Leeds, added: "The signs of spring are birds chirping and leaves on trees. A sunny disposition is not the same as actual sunshine. And prolonged exposure to it is far more harmful.

"It doesn't matter if the sun rises at 8.02am or 7.47am, I'm still delayed in the gloom at Bingley and trying to work out why the Metro is a successful newspaper.

"If one more glass-half-full simpleton tells me 'we're over the worst' I will bury them alive with a looped recording of Birdsongs of the Norfolk Broads."

DM

Gentle Ribbing

2012-01-28T10:56:00.004+07:00

PATRICE Evra has hired bodyguards to deal with loveable Liverpool rogues good-naturedly threatening to kill him.

Evra will benefit from armed 'hilarity co-ordinators'

Liverpool are set to host Manchester United tomorrow afternoon in a cup tie that has promised such high levels of humorous banter that all police leave in the region has been cancelled.

Members of the general public living near the ground have been warned that there may be random outbreaks of large groups of men just having a bit of a laugh and a joke. Police have also stated that a badly-aimed chorus of Ferry Across The Mersey can have somebody’s eye out.

Evra said: “Smalling and Jones are going to be replaced by ex-SAS officers to try and fend off the thousands of fans that might want to run onto the pitch to share a delicious bon mot whilst spitting playfully in my face.

“Games between Liverpool and United are always highly witty affairs but this one has the potential to be dangerously hilarious.”

Evra will be targeted by Liverpool’s 40,000 jokers during the match after he provoked Luis Suarez by being present during their previous game against each other, a fact that many fans are expected to remind him of using a variety of colourful phrases.

The kick off has been moved to 1245 in a bid to reduce the amount of ‘joviality juice’ the Liverpool fans can manage to consume before the game and the United fans will remain in the ground for an hour after the game ends to ensure their sides aren’t split with mirth on the way to the train station.

Evra added: “The fans may also wish to remember that I’m French. I’m sure they can do something with that.”

DM

Not Over Their Salary

2012-01-28T10:55:00.001+07:00

Doctors are eight times more likely to suffer from severe depression than fireman.

International Relations

2012-01-28T10:23:00.004+07:00

Following WWII and the Cold War, the United States became the dominant superpower of the world. If we were to actually have a superpower, it’d most likely be the ability to invade a country and set up a massive military base before leaving. If only we chose invisibility like our Canadian friends up north. Nowadays, we keep ourselves busy worrying about China’s meteoric rise to supremacy while hypocritically bashing other countries who want to acquire nuclear weapons of their own. The U.S. government does give foreign aid to a number of countries including Iraq, Afghanistan, Pakistan, and Israel. And since our recent war with Iraq has come to a close, we can focus on more important international issues – making sure our students abroad have a better chance of hooking up with foreigners.
Staying on Top: Much like sex, being on top in international diplomacy requires energy, concentration and a willingness to be criticized by those you are fucking.
America: #1!*
*Number represents ranking for hot dog consumption and diabetes rates in children born to unwed mothers.

The Environment

2012-01-28T10:23:00.001+07:00

We enjoy acting like using Energy Star appliances makes us saviors of the Earth, but let’s be honest with ourselves: we won’t really start caring about the environment until it’s too late and by most estimates, it already is. Sorry, grandchildren! Sure, fuel economy has gotten better in the past couple years, but that’s only because people have become too broke to afford rising gas prices. And though the Environmental Protection Agency does exist, even they don’t think global warming is an issue worth combating. Makes total sense, right? Or it could all be nonsense and the planet couldn’t care less about our trivial little surface scratches. Whatever it may be, this has been one shitty ski season so far, right?
Mother Earth: Is being a total bitch. It’s like, don’t have all this oil around the house if you don’t want me to use it!
Don’t Worry!: We cannot ruin the environment. We can only ruin the environment we as humans enjoy. Whatever is left when we’re done with it may not support human life, but it will be heaven for cockroaches and rats. You’re welcome, vermin.

Taxes

2012-01-28T10:22:00.004+07:00

Ugh, taxes. Every April, the entire grownup population of the United States transforms into one massive cliche of adulthood. And we can all agree that that’s embarrassing. What we can’t agree on is how high tax rates should be, how those rates should be distributed, and how the collected money should be spent. These issues are at the core of the biggest difference between Democrats and Republicans. Simply put: According to the Democrats, the Republicans favor letting our nation’s poor starve to death and privatizing public restrooms, while ,according to the Republicans, the Democrats favor giving every illegal immigrant a mansion and putting every citizen on welfare. Both parties, however, agree that writing off part of your housing as a “home office” isn’t going to raise any eyebrows at the IRS, right?
Why Republicans Should Love High Taxes: Because every year at tax time the most socially liberal people in this country momentarily consider voting Republican when they see 35% of their money taken away.
But Seriously: Did I fill out that I-9 correctly? What exactly is a “head of household” and can I be one if I live in a studio apartment with four buddies of mine from college? Answer: Yes, until you get audited.

Education

2012-01-28T10:22:00.002+07:00

If you’ve ever gotten caught in a cluster of 14 year-olds, you know that the United States public education system is not exactly doing a stellar job of molding great minds that will keep our nation at the forefront of global industry and technological advancements. Not unless those technological advancements can be made over BBM. A couple big issues on the table are increased drop-out rates, falling test scores, and the effect of teacher’s unions and merit pay on the quality of education. But there’s one big problem in education that should finally get the attention it deserves: rolling backpacks are stupid.
A Suggestion for Improving Government Awareness of the Country’s Sub Par Public Education: Force congressmen to become Facebook friends with every teenager in their district. A mere glance at that news feed should light a fire under the education reform movement.
A Suggestion for Improving Student Interest in Scientific Studies: Stop selling cell phones to minors. If they want an iPhone, make them learn how to build it themselves. Like in China.