Thursday, 13 July 2017

News Thump

Protestors have already begun storing up their urine in plastic containers ahead of Donald trump’s UK visit.
The announcement that President Trump will be visiting the UK was initially met with outrage by left-wing protestors, but then glee as they realised the kind of shenanigans that might entail, along with the realisation that this might be the only opportunity they have to drown President Trump in litres and litres of their own water.
“It’s going to be epic,” said Robert Sharp, while filling up an empty Stella bottle.
“And I don’t mean epic in the hyperbolic sense, I mean it literally. Nobody in human history will ever have been covered with more piss, generated by more people than President Trump will be in just a few short months.
“I wouldn’t be seen dead at a President Trump rally, so it’s very generous of him to offer himself up on a plate like this.
“It’s a shame he can’t visit more often. I’ve got a lot of urine in this body of mine.”
Excited Brits have been holding parties known as “Piss-Ups”, where the empty bottles from the night are immediately urinated into, then stored in a special cellar known as the “West Wing”.
“You should see my West Wing,” said Ellie Scatliffe, a middle-class socialist from Somerset.
“There are bottles and bottles of urine as far as the eye can see. Even more so than I would usually store down there.
“I can’t wait to see each and every one of them hit President Trump right in the eye. I’ve been limbering up on the local sports field especially.
“I can hit a pig with a spear from two hundred yards now, so hitting Trump right in his massive, ego-inflated head shouldn’t be much of a challenge.”
A Secret Service spokesperson said, “We at the Secret Service obviously take safety and security very, very seriously.
“That’s why we’re providing each protestor with protective gloves and headgear to protect themselves from the glass.
“Not Trump, though, that prick is on his own.”
NT

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