Friday, 7 July 2017

Insider Dealing

A spokesperson for Arsenal Football Club has confirmed that their main bank account has been suspended after their bank detected suspicious activity in the form of an irregular payment.
According to spokesperson Dougz Ahzol, a payment of £44m was detected to a French merchant, and this flagged the ‘unusual activity’ detector at NatWest HQ.
He said: ‘Shortly after making a payment this morning, Mr Wenger made his daily trip to the corner shop for a packet of 20 Silk Cut and two bottles of Tizer.’
‘He tried to pay with the company debit card as per usual, but the payment was declined.’
‘Clearly there was an error as we have more than 500 gajillion pounds in there at any one time.’
‘Even after Olivier Giroud’s beard conditioner direct debit and the standing order for Theo’s ankle insurance there should have been enough in there to cover it.’
A repsentative for NatWest said: ‘We noticed that a payment of £44m had been made, and the account was immediately suspended and passed over to a fraud detection specialist.’
‘It’s the same team who investigated a payment originating from Merseyside for Andy Carroll.’
‘We sent them a text message asking them to recognise the last five transactions on there, and they instantly denied all knowledge – some guy called Ivan asked for a chargeback but he paid by Chip and Pin so he’s not got a leg to stand on.’
‘To be fair the only regular activity on the account is when a director pops into our Holloway Road branch once a week, prints a mini statement and touches himself while looking at the balance printout.’

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