Friday, 14 July 2017

If it Works for Coke

A spokesperson for the Department of Parliament has confirmed that all MPs will be moved onto zero hours contracts from August 1st.
The decision has been taken based on recommendations from a cross-party parliamentary parliament panel on working conditions in the United Kingdom.
Jeremy Spunkton is the Conservative’s Minister for Parliament, and he told Southend News Network that the move will ‘boost productivity and reduce waste’ in the House of Commons.
He added: ‘We believe that the new system is fair to all parties.’
‘All MPs will be contacted by telephone by 7am on days when Parliament is sitting to let them know if there is any work for them to do.’
‘This is all about giving them as much flexibility as possible.’
‘If a member of Parliament would rather skip a debate about the protection of Cornish cheese farmers or rights for squirrels, they are now going to be free to carry out alternative employment at the same time.’
‘Diane Abbott has already indicated that she will be able to devote more time to her new role on Countdown, and Michael Gove will also be free to devote more time to his hobby of wandering through the inner cities and scaring the living shite out of young children.’
A number of current MPs have expressed anger at the changes, but Mr Spunkton has been quick to make it clear that bonuses will be on offer to top of the proposed £9.74 hourly wage.
He added: ‘While financial incentives may not be possible due to budget restraints, we are offering all MPs the chance for something far more valuable – career progression.’
‘We want to send the message that if you work hard, show solid signs of leadership and develop the ability to reconfigure your principles every five minutes, you too could go all the way to the role of Prime Minister.’
SNN

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