Tuesday, 30 May 2017

Common Sense

Is there seriously anyone out there who didn't know this?  Time to go back to the Highway Code if you are surprised at some of these points.  Ta to TInd for the reminder anyway.

Fess up time- didn't know what half the penalties were/are, just that they are all illegal acts on the road while in charge of a vehicle.

1. Don’t drive too slowly

We all know driving too quickly can be dangerous, but the same goes for driving too slowly.
If you’re a long way below the limit you could be punished with anything from a verbal warning to nine points on your licence.

2. Don’t swear at other drivers

If you curse or make rude gestures at fellow motorists, you’re committing “disorderly behaviour” which could land you with a fine equal to 75 per cent of your weekly income.

3. Don’t eat or drink whilst behind the wheel

Neither are technically illegal but eating or drinking whilst driving could result in a £100 fine and three points.

4. Don’t park on the pavement in London

Or face a £70 fine.

5. Don’t drive over 30mph on streetlamp-lit roads

Unless signposted otherwise, if a road has streetlamps it’s a designated “urban area” which means the speed limit is 30mph. If you break it, you could be given a minimum £100 fine or three points.

6. Don’t honk inappropriately

Although often used angrily at other drivers or to harass female pedestrians, you should only ever honk your horn to alert others to your presence. If you do so in stationary traffic you could be fined £30 to £1,000.

7. Don’t use a loose sat nav

Many people use their phones as sat navs and simply prop them up somewhere in the car, but this is actually illegal. You need to fix it to your dashboard to avoid a £200 fine and up to six points.

8. Don’t have a dirty number plate

If your registration number isn’t clearly legible, you could face a fine from £100 to £1,000.

9. Don’t drive with snow on your roof

Because it could easily slide onto your windscreen, driving with snow on the car roof is dangerous and you could be punished with a £60 fine and three points. 

10. Don’t splash pedestrians with puddles

Not only is doing so an unnecessarily rude thing to do, driving through a puddle to splash pedestrians is actually a criminal offence that could leave you with a fine of between £100 and £5,000 and three points.

11. Don’t flash your headlights to warn other drivers about speed traps

You may think you’re being polite and helpful but you could be charged £30 up to £1,000 for obstructing an officer’s duty

12. Don’t pause on the hard shoulder

It should only be used in emergencies so if you’re caught resting there, you could be charged £100 and receive three points.

13. Don’t let passengers hold babies

Following the introduction of strict new child safety laws, it’s illegal for a baby not to be in a child car seat whilst in a moving vehicle - if you break the law, you could receive a £100 fine.

14. Don’t pay with your phone at a drive-through

Incredibly, this still counts as using your phone at the wheel and could see you facing a £200 fine and six points.

15. Don’t nap in your car when drunk

This is an offence and could leave you with a substantial fine and ten points on your licence. 

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God's 2nd Novel

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News Thump

Post image for Arsenal legend John Terry proudly hoists FA Cup
Arsenal’s John Terry has raised the FA cup for his team for the last time.
The defender retires this year, having played for the Gunners for an unknown but presumably large number of years.
“Yeah, he’s been good, I assume,” said oddly puzzled Arsenal fan, Simon Williams.
“I can’t recall ever seeing him get a yellow card in an Arsenal shirt so I assume his attitude toward the game has been outstanding.
“Would be nice if he could let Arsene Wenger raise the cup though, he’s been holding it for a good hour. Plus his shirt is all creased like it’s just out of a packet.”
Chelsea fan Jay Cooper said, “I was sure John Terry used to play for Chelsea, but then I remembered Arsenal’s away strip is blue, so that’s where my confusion lies. I should pay more attention really, as our back three should have done today.
Terry’s agent said, “John put a great showing in today.
“He always believed that the team for which he wore the appropriate kit at the end of the match would win.
“He shared that with me last night while we were double-teaming someone else’s wife.”

Well Said

Sometimes I think the surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that none of it has tried to contact us.
Bill Wattersoncartoonist, "Calvin and Hobbes"
US cartoonist (1958 - )

Can the Cannes (Film Festival)

Isn't it time we pulled the plug on this vulgar, self-congratulatory mass of smugness from the world of luvvies?  The participants crave the limelight yet throw tantrums at intrusion of privacy, demand more security than a Papal visit and end up with goodie bags that could take care of third world debt with cash left to spare.

In return all we get are tired sequels or movies relying on CGI.

Let's all save time and money and simply show a repeat of last year's gaudy extravaganza- the featured film content will be identical anyway.

New Tricks

UK series about some old gits who are ex-coppers out of retirement taking on old cases referred to as "cold cases".  Their department is called "UCOS", which is meant to stand for "Unsolved Crime and Open case Squad"

Which is pretty bollocks when you look at it more closely.  Where's the "C" for case?  It should read "UCOCS" which is not only more accurate but also bang on as it has become a load of cock over the past few series.

All Dennis Waterman does is shout, scowl and criticise, looking to fight and argue all the time.  Luckily, the 11th series is the last one and he's not in it.

Our Current Viewing List

In no order but on our daily schedule:

  • Archer 7
  • The Real O'Neals
  • Yes, Minister
  • Some Girls (last episode last night)
  • Hotel Babylon
  • Pie in the Sky
  • Pan Am
  • New Tricks
Yes, we do watch a lot of telly.  'Cos we can.

Viz Bits

Saturday's Trip to Rot Fai/Seacon Square

This is the place we visited with Francois and Khun On.  We will certainly be back soon, perhaps even this weekend if wifey is fit enough.

Rot Fai Market (Train Market) in Bangkok is an authentic open-air bazaar selling an incredible array of vintage collectables and memorabilia from yesteryear, from antique furniture to hippy fashion and Mao kitsch.

Why Bangkok Train Market is special ?

With three sections to this huge market space, there are also many traders selling modern fashion and apparel more typical of other night markets in Bangkok; however it’s the one-off and hard to find items that really make Rot Fai Market superior to all other night markets in the city. Where else in the Thailand would you find a pristine 1950s Cadillac next to vintage leather jackets, French chandeliers and 1960s action figures from Japan? Combine all this with cool restaurants, bars and snack stalls and you have a fun night out from sunset to midnight, Thursday to Sunday.

What to explore at Bangkok Train Market?

The original Rot Fai Market garnered a massive reputation at its former location next to the train tracks (hence the name) behind Chatuchak Market in the north of the city. When it was forced to move in 2013 due to an expansion of the BTS Skytrain line, many thought it was the end for this unique venture, but thankfully it returned at this new site and is bigger and better than ever. There might not be any trains but there is a lot more space for traders to display their beautiful and strange collections in different sections, namely the ‘Market Zone’, ‘Warehouse Zone’ and ‘Rod’s Antiques’.
In the Warehouse Zone, the sheer variety of products available is impressive. You will find everything from household goods, old electronic appliances and used auto parts to second-hand clothes, shoes and fashion accessories – all vintage in style, of course. Many vendors are also collectors of vintage, so it’s not uncommon to see hobbyist items such as old cameras, bikes, Coca-Cola collectibles and Japanese anime toys on sale as well. Best of all, traders are friendly without being pushy so you can browse and explore at your leisure without the feeling of being part of a tourist trap.
The real premium standout items at Rot Fai Market are displayed in a converted factory-type building called Rod’s Antiques. This is a trove of antiques and vintage items including classic cars, motorbikes, antique and kitsch furniture and even a life-size Elvis mannequin. Photographers are allowed to snap away although you are asked not to touch anything as these items are rare and have a price tag to match. One of the biggest differences here is that all vintage items are guaranteed to be genuine, sourced from all over the world: America, China, Myanmar, Europe, and Thailand.
The Market Zone is a massive collection of more than 2,000 stalls selling everyday products like shoes, in trend fashion, children’s toys and homeware. Prices are low and bargaining is common, so it’s best just to explore and enjoy the sights, stopping frequently to try all the delicious snacks that are scattered throughout. Towards the back end of the market are lines of traders with their wares laid out on the ground, similar to how Rot Fai Market started many years ago. These are mostly niche collectables and memorabilia.Whilst shopping is the main highlight at Rod Fai Market, be sure not miss out on the street food here too. Makeshift bars with cheap cocktails and drinks, barbecue stands with sizzling meats, fried noodle stalls, ice cream parlours, drink stands with foaming Thai iced-tea and coffee are wedged in at random spots among the goods, as well as a row of bars and restaurants at the entrance to the market, where you can sit back with a tower of beer listen to the live band, and soak up the scene. Each vendor employs various design gimmicks – from classic Volkswagen campers to old train bogies – to attract potential diners.
Rot Fai Market offers a really unique shopping experience where you are sure to uncover some great value items in a festive environment. Even if you’re not into your vintage goods, the charm of the place, the welcoming atmosphere and the spirit of the people who gather here will live long in your memory. It’s definitely worth the trip out of the city centre to experience this alternative taste of Bangkok.

How to get to Bangkok Train Market?

Rot Fai Market is located on Srinakarin Soi 51, just behind Seacon Square Shopping Mall. The best way to get there is via taxi – all drivers should know Seacon Square. However, traffic can be bad on Friday and Saturday nights so you could consider taking the BTS Skytrain to On Nut Station first, then catching a taxi from there.


The average person falls asleep in seven minutes.

Jerk the Beef Part III

Having decided to go into the jerky production business a little more fully, I felt it was necessary to buy stuff.  One new airing box, a super powerful fan and a couple of wire trays and I had pretty much all the equipment I needed for not very much.  Oh, and a box of coated (with plastic) paper clips on which to hang the meat.

I didn't bother with a heating bulb as it is warm enough in our pad but did find some ever so lean strips of beef on offer at Tops Supermarket (80 g for THB 99) and I picked up three packs.

A thorough vinegar wash and dry, a sprinkling of salt and into the fridge for a couple of hours to draw out any excess liquid.  Adding some dry rub (chilli, garlic powder, cumin, onion powder to name but a few ingredients) and a further hour's resting time and the beef was ready to put into the drier.

I had attached both wire racks together using two large bulldog clips and with four "S" hooks hanging from all four corners, it was simplicity itself to suspend the racks across the whole width of the box.

Putting the small turbo fan in one corner and then the racks on top, I next hung the meat from the coated paperclips (if you use stainless steel clips they will corrode due to the vinegar and you don't want rusty meat...) and dropped them through the wire mess to be suspended in the drying air.

I had no air holes so simply left one end of the lid wedged open a small amount and left it to it with the fan on full around 17:00 yesterday.  This morning around 07:00, I had nicely dried and ready to eat jerky.

Comments:  Could do with perhaps slightly less drying time as I like my jerky moister and less dry.  Seasoning seems bang on but I am concerned at the amount of salt used and will look at using garlic salt and soy sauce instead.  Aside that, very happy with the latest stash.

Out of Nowhere

Wifey sneezed once around the middle of the afternoon and thought little about it.  When she sneezed a second time an hour or so later, she felt a slight tickle.  By early evening she had a streaming nose and a full blown cold.

No warning, no prior indication, nowt.  Just from healthy to snot in a couple of hours.

Luckily we are expert at dealing with a cold.  I put her to bed and fuck off up the pub to avoid the inevitable germies that I will eventually contract, thus also acquiring her sniffles.  Except mine will be a fully blown bout of man flu and I shall have to stay in bed for a week at least.

C & H

Monday, 29 May 2017


A South Korean company says it has invented an ice cream bar that will nurse you back to your normal self after a night of heavy drinking.

The grapefruit flavoured ice cream, called "Gyeondyo", which loosely translates as “hang in there”, is infused with a small amount of oriental raisin tree fruit juice, which has been considered a Korean hangover treatment since the 1600s.

The country, already having the highest per capita alcohol consumption in Asia, has spawned a 50 billion won ($126 million) industry for hangover cures, ranging from pills and beverages to cosmetics for women to cover up the effects of a long night of drinking.

The ice cream’s name supposedly, “expresses the hardships of employees who have to suffer a working day after heavy drinking, as well as to provide comfort to those who have to come to work early after frequent nights of drinking”, convenience store chain Withme FS, distributor of the ice cream, was quoted as saying.

South Koreans drink 12.3 litres of alcohol per year, the most in the Asia-Pacific region, according to a 2014 WHO report.

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He doesn't want me touching men's pens

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Well Said

Do not remove a fly from your friend's forehead with a hatchet.
Chinese Proverb

X Marks the Spot

If all goes to plan, I should be the new owner of an X Box tomorrow as Marks is selling his on to me prior to starting his new job in Kazakhstan.  Can't wait and looking forward to catching up on my gaming time.  I've not had any kind of games console since my Mega Drive way back in 2006...


Every time you lick a stamp, you consume 1/10 of a calorie.

Typical Arse

So the Gooners win the FA Cup and yet their fans still want the Whinger out.  Can't get my head around that one, I may not be an Arse fan but Whenger is still a good manager.  I now hope he does leave because they will struggle to replace him.  Good.

Viz Bits

Jerky- Second Attempt

Using less salt this batch is far better but a bit too dry for personal taste.  The fan that is used to dry the beef strips keeps dying (I suspect a dodgy battery is not holding charge from the mains correctly) so I put in a bigger one and left it running over night.

It did the trick all right but it could have done with less drying time.  Lesson learned before I begin the next lot.  But this time I will be making a new box with a proper fan, new cooling racks and I don't think I will bother with the light either.

A case of trial and error but I will get this sussed before long.

Super Night Out

At what is called the Railway Night Market, though there were tracks or trains in sight.  Instead we had a massive, bustling market with shops, food stalls and bars galore.

Francois and Khun On knew their way around and soon we were sitting in one of their regular bars which did a pretty special Chang offer.  Five large bottles for THB 370.

Even the Chang chick wanted her photo taken with us (and our empties) when we ordered another five bottles, before we lurched off to find a bar with live music.

Slightly more expensive for their beer but far more lively with a better band, it was a nice way to finish off the evening and we all had a marvellous time.

We'll be going again, soon.

C & H x 2

Saturday, 27 May 2017

Utter Genius

Typical Germans leading from the front.

A rock festival in Germany has laid a four mile pipeline beneath its site to deliver free-flowing beer to 75 000 thirsty metalheads in August.

The 7 km pipeline will supply around 400 000 litres of lager to revellers at this year’s Wacken Open Air festival in Wacken, northern Germany, which is set to play host to heavy metal acts including Alice Cooper, Megadeth, Marilyn Manson and Trivium

The pipeline will allow bartenders to pour six beers per second, according to organisers, eliminating the need for barrel swaps and preventing the festival grounds from being churned up by beer trucks.

Huge empty pipes have already been installed beneath the festival site, through which a beer pipeline will be run, as well as fiber optic cables and power supply lines.

“Beer stalls in front of the main stages will be provided with fresh beer from our new underground beer pipeline.  Both fresh and waste water will run through these pipes too.  Of course we will control the hygiene of the tubes all the time.

Until this year, we always had to move dozens of barrels through the infield.  We had to bring in full barrels before and during the shows and afterwards we had to remove the empty ones.  This caused a lot of avoidable traffic. The new pipeline helps us to protect the floor.  And we also get rid of bottlenecks at the bar, you will not have to wait for the new barrel to be on tap anymore.”

Well Said

Women should be obscene and not heard.
Groucho Marx
US comedian with Marx Brothers (1890 - 1977)

News Thump

A new report has revealed that the majority of British men are still uncomfortable with kissing hello and would rather return to the days when a brief, stiff, formal handshake was the only acceptable physical expression of greeting.
“The whole procedure is incredibly difficult and embarrassing,” said normal British man Simon Williams.
“Are you supposed to kiss on the lips, on one cheek, on both cheeks? If one cheek, which one? Should the hug be warm and enveloping or just a brief clutch of the shoulders?
“One would imagine that there would be some sort of set of clear rules, perhaps freely available on the internet but, oh no, it’s just all Russian donkey porn and poorly written ‘satirical’ pieces about UKIP.”
However, what British men fear most is a greeting kiss that goes wrong.
“Yes, I had a tremendously good friend from university and one evening, myself and my wife went round to dinner, his wife did the open-arms thing and so I went to kiss her on the cheek,” Williams added.
“Unfortunately, I missed and accidentally kissed her ear.
“Conversation throughout the evening was extremely stilted and now we’ve stopped swapping Christmas cards.”
The survey revealed that there is a small number of men who are comfortable greeting people with a kiss, but they are understood to all be French


The new home page of the BBC.  I don't like it at all.


Customer Review

One of the worst pieces of literature I have ever read

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Late Bill

We finally received our wi-fi bill a couple of days late.  It's not that I like paying bills, but I do like to be prompt and it concerns me that if the letter is put into the wrong box, we could well end up losing our connection.

I'd be dead without our internet.

Viz Bits


Barbie's full name is Barbara Millicent Roberts.

The World is Not Enough

Was the choice for our private Bank Holiday film yesterday afternoon.  Still as good as you'll get for a Bond movie and we enjoyed the re-run.

F A Cup

It's the lesser of two evils but for me it has to be Chelsea for the double.  Couldn't bear to see The Arse lift yet another trophy.

Pastures Anew

Every once in a while we like to have a look around and see what other options there are for a night out.  Today we are off to some night market with Francois and Khun On to a place they like with cheap beer and plenty to eat.  Chuck in some live music and we should be all set for a super night out.

The only problem is we don't have a clue where it is and we'll have to meet at our local- and it's always a big problem leaving once you've got a seat at the bar.

C & H

Friday, 26 May 2017

News Thump

Post image for Sam Allardyce to destroy ISIS
Big Sam Allardyce has retired from football to focus on fucking ISIS right up.
The formidable former football manager successfully saved Crystal Palace from relegation this season.
“And now he’s coming to save us all,” confirmed Allardyce’s agent, Simon Williams.
“Big Sam was watching the events unfold in Manchester from a pub in Bolton. He literally crushed a pint glass in his hand, said ‘Right’ and then marched out the door while humming the A-Team theme.
“You know that bit in Commando where Arnold Schwarzenegger takes his shirt off and tools up with a range of assault weapons? Well that’s exactly what Big Sam is doing in his shed right now – albeit while eating a pasty and keeping his vest on.”
Football pundit Elizabeth King said, “Yes of course women can be football pundits.
“Anyway, it’s an unusual step for Allardyce. We’d assumed he’d go on the after-dinner speaking circuit before slipping into an unfortunate gambling habit like so many of his peers.
“We certainly didn’t expect to see him stood at the front of a speedboat heading for Syria, middle fingers raised aloft while singing Rule Britannia. It’s truly inspiring.
“I hope he’s had his Weetabix. I imagine fighting an army of psycho-religious nutjobs is a bit harder than keeping Crystal Palace in the Premiership.
“Not much harder though.”

Well Said

A hypocrite is a person who--but who isn't?
Don Marquis
US humorist (1878 - 1937)

Customer Review

Absolute agony!

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Bank Holiday

Neither official or recognised by anyone else, we are having a bank holiday chez ktelontour.  We will be watching a James Bind film later this afternoon.

Isn't the simple life just so much fun?


Quite prominently displayed on the wall at the British Embassy it said "Exchange Rate THB 46 to £1".

We paid THB 4 600 for our two proofs of residence (thieving gets) and even if it is now 36 years since I did my Maths "O" level, I can still work out that comes to exactly one hundred quid.

So how come my credit card statement reads £103.14?

I am almost tempted to fire off an inquiry...

Marmite vs Vegemite

Image result for marmite Image result for vegemite

Incontrovertible proof that the British spread shits on the Australian offering.  A 250 g jar of Marmite is THB 259, yet a similar sized pot of the inferior Aussie spread is THB 159.

Spit the pips out of that.


The name Wendy was made up for the book "Peter Pan."

Viz Bits

Archer 7

With news that Archer has been offered a new three season contract, we opened up the taps on series 6 last night.  With great self restraint we resisted watching all 10 episodes back to back but it's kicked off with a blinder and we can't wait to see more tonight.

The art work is lusher and more detailed, the same cast is offering the brilliant voice overs and from the opening scene, you'll be hooked.

Without doubt, the best adult animation on the screen.  Ever.

Why Not?

How come doughnuts don't have jam everywhere with just a little squirt into the centre of the doughy death balls?  I'd happily pay more for a fuller jammed up option, stop being so tight.

It Hurts

Having got the fan running properly now, the "jerky" looked about right last night and I sampled a bit.  The initial euphoria of tasting my own produced cured beef strip was sadly brief as I lost the sight in one eye.

Ber-loody Hell's bells, was it salty.

Not to worry, being of sound mind and with a memory of a goldfish, I tried another piece.  I promptly lost vision in the other eye...

OK, I O'd on the salt rub and will now go easy on the trigger.  Salting is necessary to draw out any excess moisture but instead of bathing the beef in NaCl, it will be sprinkled on and left in the fridge overnight to draw out any liquids.  Then I shall pat the meat dry with kitchen paper, add the dry seasoning before hanging the prepared strips in the drier.

Mark II will begin this weekend.

C & H

Thursday, 25 May 2017

The Kindness of Strangers


What a Delightful Story

Roger Moore, the gentleman he was.  Taken from TInd:

"As a seven-year-old in about 1983, in the days before First Class Lounges at airports, I was with my grandad in Nice Airport and saw Roger Moore sitting at the departure gate, reading a paper. I told my granddad I'd just seen James Bond and asked if we could go over so I could get his autograph. My grandad had no idea who James Bond or Roger Moore were, so we walked over and he popped me in front of Roger Moore, with the words "my grandson says you're famous. Can you sign this?"

As charming as you'd expect, Roger asks my name and duly signs the back of my plane ticket, a fulsome note full of best wishes. I'm ecstatic, but as we head back to our seats, I glance down at the signature. It's hard to decipher it but it definitely doesn't say 'James Bond'. My grandad looks at it, half figures out it says 'Roger Moore' - I have absolutely no idea who that is, and my hearts sinks. I tell my grandad he's signed it wrong, that he's put someone else's name - so my grandad heads back to Roger Moore, holding the ticket which he's only just signed.
I remember staying by our seats and my grandad saying "he says you've signed the wrong name. He says your name is James Bond." Roger Moore's face crinkled up with realisation and he beckoned me over. When I was by his knee, he leant over, looked from side to side, raised an eyebrow and in a hushed voice said to me, "I have to sign my name as 'Roger Moore' because otherwise...Blofeld might find out I was here." He asked me not to tell anyone that I'd just seen James Bond, and he thanked me for keeping his secret. I went back to our seats, my nerves absolutely jangling with delight. My grandad asked me if he'd signed 'James Bond.' No, I said. I'd got it wrong. I was working with James Bond now.
Many, many years later, I was working as a scriptwriter on a recording that involved UNICEF, and Roger Moore was doing a piece to camera as an ambassador. He was completely lovely and while the cameramen were setting up, I told him in passing the story of when I met him in Nice Airport. He was happy to hear it, and he had a chuckle and said "Well, I don't remember but I'm glad you got to meet James Bond." So that was lovely.
And then he did something so brilliant. After the filming, he walked past me in the corridor, heading out to his car - but as he got level, he paused, looked both ways, raised an eyebrow and in a hushed voice said, "Of course I remember our meeting in Nice. But I didn't say anything in there, because those cameramen - any one of them could be working for Blofeld."
I was as delighted at 30 as I had been at 7. What a man. What a tremendous man."

What a Race

The French MotoGP from Le Mans.  You couldn't ask for a more closely contested race and while I can't go into details in case you want to see it (and you should), you can't take your eyes off the action.

Best battle of the year, so far.

Well Said

We've heard that a million monkeys at a million keyboards could produce the complete works of Shakespeare; now, thanks to the Internet, we know that is not true.
Robert Wilenskyspeech at a 1996 conference

News Thump

Post image for Katie Hopkins threat level raised from ‘public irritant’ to ‘toxic shit fountain’
The threat level posed by Katie Hopkins to the collective consciousness of the human race has been raised to its highest level.
The decision was made after Hopkins posted a tweet calling for a ‘final solution’ in the wake of the recent terrorist attack in Manchester, prompting authorities to question what kind of a person would use such a terrible event to promote their own self-aggrandising hate-filled worldview and to draw attention to themselves just for the sake of it.
Simon Williams, head of the UK’s Threat Level Assessment Centre told reporters, “Many of you will remember that when Katie Hopkins was a contestant on The Apprentice back in 2006 she posed a relatively low threat to our society, as she would just throw a few insults about and be a generally nasty cow, but as time has passed the threat level she poses to our society and our collective intelligence has steadily increased.
“A significant red flag was when she joined Twitter, thereby giving her a public platform for her own unique brand of tasteless bile-spewing twattery. Since then she has gone from bad to worse, as if she is solely driven by attention, whether good or bad.”
He concluded, “It is now clear that she poses a critical threat to the intelligence, reputation, societal values and general good taste of Great Britain and everyone should be vigilant and respond appropriately to any further bigoted outbursts by reporting her to the police”.
Katie Hopkins has yet to publicly respond to the decision, but it is anticipated that the soulless bint will probably welcome the extra attention.


Most American car horns honk in the key of F.


We have had a small car mechanic's garage around the corner from us that closed a few months back and the lot has been left vacant.  A few days ago we saw some people measuring up and the next thing we see is that they will be putting up a new 7-11.

Short of a new bar, I couldn't think of anything better as it will be open 24 hours around the clock (Tesco Lotus closes from 00:00 to 06:00) and it is directly on the way home from the pub.  We can also pay off any bills there and they also stock items no one else keeps.

Fine idea and we fully approve.

Duff Motor

The fan drying off my first batch of jerky has stalled a couple of times, which I suspect is down to a poor USB extension cable, but having had a fiddle all now seems well.  It has been drying over night and with luck another day should finish it off.

It looks right but I suspect the vinegar will have been too much so it's going to be a bit of trial and error before i can bask in the glory of home made jerky. Patience is a virtue they say, to which I reply that I have never been virtuous.

Viz Bits

Proof of Residency

Having already whinged about the cost of the thing before, I will have one final pop.

Not only did it cost us £50 (each!) but the driving centre keeps it with your licence application.  We can't even re-use it.  And there's more to come.

As you may recall I was dismayed at the way the Embassy simply used our handwritten form and simply stamped it.  At the very least they should have typed it out or had the form on-line for us to type.  Well, the driving centre couldn't make out my handwriting (fair critique, it has to be said) and my application got held up while wifey had to re-write my address for them as they couldn't read it clearly.

It's funny now, but fifty quid for that?  Do fuck off.

The Advantages

Not only can you now legally drive/ride in the Kingdom of Thailand, your licence will also act as legal identity if you get stopped by Plod (by law you must carry your passport with you at all times) and you will also get the Thai rate for entering museums and shows, which can be a substantial saving.

You can also use it for domestic travel which avoid needing to take your passport.

Best of all if you were to get nicked for a driving offence you will still be able to take to the road as you have a second licence.

Cost of all of this was THB 2 300 for the Proof of Residency at the UK Embassy, THB 100 for the med cert, THB 105 for the bike licence and THB 205 for the car licence (last two are vague guesses as we paid the agency THB 2 500/person for taking car of things for us).  Both licences are valid for two years and on renewing next time you get a five year deal.

Nearly There

A new item before they let you loose with your licence is that you will have to watch a road safety video, which is about an hour long.

Yes, it is boring and much of what they suggest leaves you scratching your head as it is not how I would do things (we were taught to drive in the UK where standards are very demanding).  But stick with it, enjoy the brilliant sub titles (it's naturally in Thai) and once you have seen the back of that, a chap comes into the room with all your final paperwork.

Take it over to the other side of the building for your final document check and pose for your photo.  Quite wonderfully they will ask you to look at your picture for approval and if you don't like it, they will re-do.

Thereafter they will print your licences (two in our case) and you're free to leave.

Peripheral Perception Test

Put your nose to the cut out in the jig and your eyes will be aligned with a series of lights on either side, which will illuminate randomly in either red, green or yellow hues. Just call out the colour you see without moving your head or eyes (the lady sits opposite you to check for movement and will knack you if you do) and as soon as you reel off a few correct answers, you're done.

Except wifey who struggled and we couldn't work out why, until later, when she realised she had on her best glasses.  These have quite thick arms which were directly in her eye line and were blocking her sight.  She managed it fine in the end but bear this in mind when/if you wear glasses, take them off or wear thin frames.

Reflex Test

Put your foot on the accelerator pedal and watch for the red light to turn green.  As soon as it does, it will set off a vertical line of green LEDs and you have yo jump on the brake pedal before it reaches the top- or 75% of the way, it wasn't too clearly explained.

Either way, it's piece of piss and you'll suss it very easily.

Depth Perception

All the following test should be done twice, we only had to do them once, for some reason.

This exercise is an odd one as when you watch the video it is front facing yet when you do it for real it is side on (and much more "difficult").

You get a control box that moves a wooden dowel up and down and when you align it with a second, fixed dowel, you raise your hand.

That's it.

Into the Centre

Crossing the Sukhumvit road we were a very close distance from the driving centre (if you know the area, it's directly next to the Levi factory) and we walked there in around five minutes.

From the blazing heat we entered the air conditioned building and handed our paperwork to a chap who was making a mint operating the photocopier.  All relevant passport pages were then copied (including you TM Departure Card), along with our newly acquired medical certificate and proof of residency (this is because car and bike licences are not combined on one ID Card and are treated separately), plus your driving licence.  Every copied page then has to be signed by you.

Once you have done this, pick up an application form and after filling in your details, take it, along with your copied pile of paperwork to the window 35 (I think).

They will then process your application while you sit watching a video of the practical test you will shortly be going through.

First Things First

We used an agency recommended by Tommy and met the lady at the Bang Chak BTS station, so close we could have walked there.  She took us a short distance to a small doctor's surgery and we had our "medical".

This involved us standing in front of a nurse who filled in a form, took THB 100 in payment and then sent us on our way.  We were not checked, prodded or poked in anyway which was fine by us as we had cleared one hurdle- we were 100% fit, mentally and physically.

Cloak and Dagger

We can now reveal why we had to obtain proof of residency- both wifey and I applied for, and were successful, in getting our Thai driving licences.  Note the plural as we have one for driving a car and one for riding a bike.

Sit back and let us tell you how it was...

C & H

Wednesday, 24 May 2017

Top Gun 2

Just why?

The original was perhaps a camp classic waaay back in 1986 and now we will have to put up with a wizened Cruise reprising his role some thirty years on.

Couple that with the Baywatch re-make (seriously, in the 21st century?) and Mama Mia 2 and no wonder Hollywood is in the shit.


The Big Bang was quieter than a Motorhead concert.

News Thump

Post image for John Terry retires from football to focus on adultery and racism
John Terry is tonight celebrating his retirement from football in order to focus on his true passions of adultery and racism.
“John has had a wonderful footballing career,” said the player’s agent, Simon Williams.
“He’s been part of a Chelsea side that has won the Premier League, the FA Cup and the League Cup, as well as European trophies.
“As for individual honours, he’s also won Chelsea Player of the Year, PFA Players’ Player of the Year, UEFA Club Defender of the Year and was even named as a member of the 2006 FIFA World Cup All-Star Team.
“But now it’s time for him to hang up his boots and focus on what he does best: adultery and racism.
“They say that in retirement every man needs a hobby, and John’s lucky that he’s got two: shagging other women and abusing people of different races.
“He feels he simply hasn’t given either discipline the attention needed lately, so he’s going to get cracking right away with a night out in Dagenham, where both can be explored freely.
“The Dog and Snatch should take care of the adultery and there’s an Asian chap who runs the corner shop opposite, so John can get stuck into shouting at him after a couple of Smirnoff Ices.”
Local Dagenham woman Shirley Lavern said, “I’d be delighted to help John get back into the swing of adultery.
“I can even organise a guard of honour for when I pull him off after 26 minutes.”

Back to the Old

Can't be doing with the new look Skype "specially for Windows 10".  I have no idea how to access the home screen, miss my connection indicator (green cloud in the system tray) and so have found a version of the old school style.

It's working perfectly well and instantly showed we had no connection to the internet this morning.  A router reboot was required and all seems well again, including that reassuring green glow indicating things are as they should be.

Roger Moore

Passed away at a ripe old age of 89.  Quite possibly the best role of his life.  He may have been a spoof Bond but he was a class Saint and he will be missed.

So What Now?

The reason for proof of where we live?  You'll hopefully find out tomorrow.  😐

Viz Bits

camper tent van shoes

A Marginal Peace Offering

At least the exchange rate wasn't taking the piss- the Embassy clearly stated the exchange rate would be THB 46 to the £- we are currently around THB 44.

Big whoop.

Excuse Me?

Our Proof of Residency form?  It was the scribbled bit of paper we had filled in with a big red stamp and an illegible signature.  They hadn't even bothered to type it up (hence my suggestion to put the form on-line to be able to type it) and had the cheek to charge us £50, per form.

We got stuffed a hundred quid for a ten second job.  How can that be justified?

The Foreign Office, cashing in on British citizens while abroad.

On British Soil

We headed off to the British Embassy yesterday morning for our 10:00 meeting having signed in and gone through security at the menacing looking gates.  We arrived in good time but had a half hour wait as only half the counters were being used and we had at least four people in front of us to be seen.

Once we got called up we had to supply all the paperwork needed; ID (passport) and proof of address (utility bill) and then we had to complete a couple of forms.

I have no idea why these are not available on-line- it would have saved time and my handwriting is fully shot to shit after years of ignoring pen and pencil, instead deferring to a keyboard.

My form looked like ninja ant had vomited all over the paper and the lady requested I do it again.  Not because of my poor penmanship, rather that the address had to bang on as it was laid out in our bank statement address.

After the re-run we were asked to pay (credit card) and then wait up to half an hour for our Proof of Residency, which arrived in good time.

All in all we were there about an hour with the only downside being the BBC news covering the Manchester bombing.  Utterly appalling and sickening.

New Toy

Francois has finally moved in with this Thai girlfriend, Khun On, and in the process has had to shed some of his stuff.  This means he has kindly donated his home made jerky drier for me to start making my own.

The box is quite simple yet ingeniously put together, comprising of a large storage box with lid, a fan attached to the side via a cut out hole and then sealant spread around the joint to make it air tight, a vent hole cut into the lid (with a small sieve popped in to keep any insects out) a light bulb, again attached via a cut out hole and finally a load of wire (coated coated hangers, I believe) which are laid along the top for the beef strips to hang from.

I had no idea how complex the process was in preparing the meat but having washed it in apple cider vinegar (to kill off bacteria) and then left the beef to marinate over night in my secret mix (ie left overs from F's original dry rub) I have just finished putting the strips in to dry.

The fan is on, I've left the bulb off for the moment as the room is quite warm already and I will leave it to do its thing at least until tomorrow to see what gives.

I am already drooling but suspect the first few goes will be disastrous and it will be several attempts before I get anything near to the quality and finish F used to achieve.

Can't, but will have to, wait.