Tuesday, 21 March 2017

Southend News Network

Statistics from the Department of Faith Affairs have confirmed that Slimming World is now the fastest-growing religion in the United Kingdom.
According to their latest report, it has now passed both Christianity and Islam in terms of new followers, and it is estimated that Britain will be a majority Slimming World nation by 2022.
Faith expert Dr Jamal Sinfri from the University of Kale told our Chief Reporter that this development had been in the pipeline since the turn of the century.
He added: ‘Slimming World disciples are expected to follow a holy book of foods to determine what they are allowed to eat on a daily basis, and followers are expected to attend weekly service and confession if they dare to open a packet of Mini Cheddars.’
‘We have heard reports of members being excommunicated for questioning the wisdom of the respected elders, or ‘consultants’ as they are often named.’
‘Like any religion, a number of fundamentalist’ groups have now developed from Slimming World’s moderate beginnings, and we now hear weekly reports of Weight Watchers groups that are firebombed.’
‘At one worship session in a Scottish community hall, a lady received 20 lashes for asking why a baked apple isn’t considered a free food, even though a fresh apple can be eaten without retribution.’
‘In many ways, I think being able to eat unlimited amounts of pasta and potatoes has gone to their heads.’
Last year, we reported that a number of people were arrested over a brawl when a double-booking meant that Slimming World and Weight Watchers members were present in the same hall in Essex.
We managed to arrange an anonymous interview with the leader of the militant Slimming World splinter faction International Brothers of Diabetes.
Through an intermediary, he said: ‘Weight Watchers infidels face a lifetime of eternal damnation and hellfire for their filthy ways of earning points for swimming and walking a dog at a brisk pace uphill.’
‘We will wipe them off the face of the Earth or roll them into the nearest river, before raiding every last branch of ASDA and removing all packets of Porky Lights sausages.’
‘Those dirty infidels have been selling low-fat sausages that taste a bit fattier than a low-fat sausage should taste. May they all die a horrible death being eaten by the rabid hounds of Slimzone.’
SNN

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