Thursday, 23 February 2017

News Thump

A study exploring the ever-evolving quirks of British speakers of the English language has confirmed that those who choose to say the invasive American ‘asshole’ over the classic British ‘arsehole’ are ‘massive twats of the highest order’.
Professor Simon Williams, Head of Modern Englishisms at Dunstable University, confirmed his team’s findings after conducting a series of interviews, eavesdropping sessions and ‘some low-level phone hacking.’
“We really did our homework on this,” said the Prof when pushed for comment.
“I’d had my suspicions regarding the class of tedious dunderhead who can’t even refer to a colleague, acquaintance or child of theirs as an arsehole without sounding like the worst kind of mid-Atlantic, overexposed to American sitcoms, twat imaginable.”
“So, I charged my undergrads with talking with, listening to, and hacking as many recruits as possible.
“For those who knew they were in the study, we asked a series of questions intended to provoke them into calling the interviewer a rude name.
“And if that didn’t work, we’d just show them a slideshow of Clarkson, Farage, Piers Morgan et al.
“That soon separated the wheat from the chaff – and the arseholes from the assholes.”
Professor Williams also revealed that incidental findings of the study included the confirmation that Brits who say ‘Can I get…’ instead of ‘Can I have…’ are ‘on a par with Hitler’, and that all recorded data featuring Geordies remains sadly untranslatable.

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