Tuesday, 17 January 2017

Off Limits

According to a leaked email that has been seen by Southend News Network, Theresa May will use a speech on Tuesday to confirm that she is prepared to impose heavy restrictions on Marmite exports if Brexit negotiations do not go in Britain’s favour. 
This latest development has already caused a ripple of panic in a number of European markets, including Poland where Twiglet sales are currently at an all-time high. 
The email between senior Whitehall officials reads: ‘It is clear that a number of European politicians are prepared to play hardball and bully us into an unfavourable hard Brexit, and therefore we have informed our negotiators that Mrs May is prepared to impose heavy restrictions on the export of Marmite to EU markets.’
‘If we are told that we are no longer entitled to access the single market and have free movement around the EU for our citizens, Unilever have been told that an emergency act of parliament will create the AEYEED – the Accelerated European Yeast Extract Export Duty.’
‘Our researchers have predicted that in France or Germany that will push the average price of a jar up to around £36, and furthermore the French government will be informed that they are no longer entitled to use the word ‘marmite’ to refer to a casserole dish.’
We asked Senior Brexit Negotiator Barry Antoinette if the details of the leaked email were genuine. 
He said: ‘I can confirm that the contents of this message are 100% accurate.’
‘We are not prepared to simply stand by and allow our European neighbours to bully us into a weakened economic position. Marmite restrictions are just the beginning, and we are looking into a full-blown HP Sauce embargo as well … as long as we can get production moved back from The Netherlands anyway.’
‘Mrs May will make this perfectly clear in due course, but our overall bargaining position for Brexit is that we have a collective entitlement to every single EU benefit without actually being a member of the union.’
‘There are no limits to what could be on the cards regarding our most internationally-famous condiments, table sources and sandwich filings.’
In a late development, a source in the Czech Republic confirmed that a laboratory is ‘days away’ from identifying all of the ingredients in Lea and Perrins Worcestershire Sauce. 

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