Tuesday, 24 January 2017

News Thump

I couldn't work out which of today's NT articles made me chuckle more, so you can pick either of these:

Truth is cool, right? WRONG! Lies, or “falsehoods”, or “alternative facts” are all the rage, and you’re probably wondering how the hell you’re going to keep up with it. Well, here’s our top ten “alternative facts” to kick you off.

  1. Tennis was invented by two steam-engine hands in the 1800s who would use their coal shovels to bat away lumps of faeces thrown at them by school kids dicking about on the line.
  2. Approximately eleventy million people attended the inauguration of Donald Trump, although many people thought it was fewer than this because modern day cameras simply aren’t advanced enough to accurately capture that many people.
  3. Nicki Minaj once got into a fist-fight with Tom Hiddlestone backstage on The Graham Norton Show after Hiddlestone claimed that Wagner was a superior composer to Carl Orff.
  4. Theresa May was created in the year 1992 by Jim Henson’s workshop, using an old Spitting Image puppet of Margaret Thatcher and some duct tape. This is why you never hear about anything Theresa may did prior to this date.
  5. Tom Cruise keeps up his youthful appearance by having a wank in a mountain stream once a week.
  6. The popular Carly Simon hit, “You’re So Vain” has caused much speculation as to whom it refers. However, the song was in fact intended to be an ode to blood, with the correct spelling of the title being “You’re So Vein”. This was changed because, according to Carly Simon herself, it sounded “fucking stupid”.
  7. Lasagne is technically a vegetable.
  8. Mike Pence is in fact a repurposed sex-robot who was captured by the Republican party and subsequently reprogrammed into the buttoned-down, homophobic shit he is today. He was manufactured by Hyundai and his model number is 017-M-SHINYSHAFT.
  9. Prior to becoming leader of the labour party, Jeremy Corbyn was planning to embark on a musical career. He even released a ten-track album, creatively entitled “Ten Audio Songs Sung By Mr Jeremy Corbyn”.
  10. Women can’t and won’t rise up to kick the shit out of Donald Trump’s government because they’re just not strong enough.

Burnt Toast White house
A ‘lone wolf’ assassin has tried to kill the US President by giving him lots of burnt toast for breakfast.
CIA operative, Chuck Williams, is currently working undercover in the White House kitchen, where he has access to bread products and a state-of-the-art toaster.
Williams maintains that overcooked starchy products like crisps and toast are more lethal than a well-armed US teenager awaiting psychological evaluation.
Experts say that for toast to be safe it should be the same golden shade as Donald Trump’s cum-set bouffant.
However blackened toast contains lethal quantities of acrylamide, which causes increased cancer rates in rodents, and possibly fascist cocksuckers.
Williams looked on with glee as Trump wolfed down the feast and prepared to celebrate his place in history.
Williams said, “We may have to wait a few weeks before the president starts to feel unwell and eventually becomes dead.”
The would-be assassin believes US history could have been very different if Lee Harvey Oswald had attempted to murder JFK using potato waffles cooked on a George Foreman grill.
Depending on the outcome, the 42-year-old plans to take out Vice President, Mike Pence, with a family pack of Quavers.

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