As Donald Trump – hair pioneer, star of Home Alone 2 and pussy-grabber – prepares to be sworn in as US president, people from across the world are pinching themselves in a desperate attempt to wake up from what clearly must be an awful nightmare.
“I’ve just got a huge bruise on my arm from pinching myself,” said hairdresser Simon Williams from New South Wales.
“I can’t stop, to stop would be to admit that this isn’t a dream and a man who boasted about sexually assaulting women is about to become the leader of the free world.”
In London, WH Smith has reportedly run out of safety pins as people jam them into their bodies to wake themselves up, and Paris has seen a spate of people jumping into the icy waters of the Seine, quite certain that will do the trick.
However Eleanor Gay, a lay minister from Brooklyn, was taking a more philosophical approach.
“I’m hoping that we’re all actually in the Matrix,” she said.
“I mean, yes, it would mean that all mankind was just this bizarre human battery farm, but at least that’s better than having a man who mocks disabled people as President.
“And we could look forward to Keanu Reeves saving us. At least, I think we can. To be honest, I feel asleep in the second film.”NT