Thursday, 19 January 2017

News Thump

Southern Trains soft insist northerners
Southern trains are always late because they’re soft, Northerners have said today.
By the time Southern Trains have meandered their lazy way to the station, Northern trains have been up for hours putting in a bit of hard graft with none of this poncey ‘delays’ nonsense, thank you very much.
The trains probably hang around in the depot demanding a scarf and a nice cup of cocoa because it’s nippy out, rather than just getting off their soft southern arses and doing a day’s work.
“They’re nesh, that’s their problem,”, said Northern train driver Simon ‘Daz’ Williams, who prides himself on driving a Class 37 Diesel locomotive  – which is fuckin’ nails, thanks for asking – wearing nothing but a string vest and a fag on the go.
“But once you’re south of Chesterfield it’s all namby-pamby Class 442s and 337s, and they’re soft as shite.
“Sprinter trains? Bloody mincer, more like.
“I call my train Tyson, by the way,” he added unnecessarily. “It could take six of those southern trains, one at a time or all at once. Puffs.”
Southern Rail rejected the accusations of softness, saying that their trains often cannot run because of hurt feelings due to the intense criticism they receive for their poor service.
“The 07:13 to Waterloo won’t be coming out of its shed today because that’s a designated safe space and people have been rude about it,” we were told.

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