Friday, 30 December 2016


A man from Southend has dramatically threatened to lose his shit if his girlfriend drags him into Primark. 
Police are currently at the scene in Southend High Street, and a source has confirmed that he has already been forcibly marched into TK Maxx, Evans, H&M and Debenhams since lunchtime. 
He added: ‘The area has been sealed off while trained negotiators are trying to stop him from putting his head inside a Miss Selfridge bag, chucking in a few sprays of Lynx Africa and seeing where things go from there.’
‘His girlfriend is adamant that this fourth visit to Primark in the space of seven days will definitely be the last, probably.’
‘Things got pretty heated at one point – some of the grammar was shocking.’
‘One sentence is particular had so many double negatives in it that it was impossible to tell who was or wasn’t ‘mugging off’ whom.’
‘As the shouting got louder and louder, their Staffordshire terrier got more and more anxious and a lady on a mobility scooter was growled at viciously. She is being comforted at the scene.’
Southend Community Policing Lead PC Ernest Peacie said: ‘Ladies need to ask themselves a few simple questions every time they are going to take their male partner into a clothing retailer.’
‘Can I find this online instead? Is he going to kick off? What is the correct conjugation of the verb ‘to be’ when using the plural ‘we?’ 

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