Saturday, 24 December 2016

Sussed It

The Pentagon is confident is has averted Armageddon after fitting a childproof lock to the nuclear launch button in the Oval Office.
International concerns have been heightened in recent days following comments made on social media by the incoming President, and senior members of the US military confirmed they’ve moved to reduce tensions by fitting a cap to the red button which requires two arrows to be lined up and squeezed before it will come off.
The move has already been hailed as the greatest contribution to world peace since the SALT II arms reduction treaty in 1979.
An extra layer of security has been added by making the nuclear launch code the same as the President-elect’s tax code, which he has thus far proven incapable of remembering.
“We considered putting a really big lock on the button because he wouldn’t be able to use his tiny, tiny hands on it”, said four-star general Simon Williams.
“But he might stop tweeting long enough to use both hands, so we needed something that added an extra layer of redundancy to the security.
“Countries around the world will be pleased to learn that it will be slightly more difficult for the President to initiate the apocalypse than it is for him to open a jar of aspirin – so panic over guys.”
Critics have suggested Trump might demand a more immediate red button to hammer in frustration, but Pentagon sources say they’ve already planned for that by giving him a Simon Says machine.
NT

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