Sunday, 25 December 2016

Not Wifey

People across the UK are busy practising their ‘I love it really’ fact for this year’s disappointing haul of presents, according to the official Christmas watchdog.
“It’s looking like it’ll be a real humdinger,” said watchdog spokesman Simon Williams, commenting on the expected levels of awkwardness and ungrateful gitness this year.
Despite 2016 showering a relentless storm of shite across the world, Williams believes that human nature will prevail and that selfishness and sulking will be at the forefront of the nation’s minds on Christmas morning.
“All the signs are pointing to a classic, national sense of crushing disappointment,” added Williams.
“So prepare your fake smiles, and get ready for the excruciating tension and wondering where the hell your 4K TVs , unicorns and tickets to the Bahamas are.”
To abate this year’s sense of despair, Williams has suggested that people attempt to be grateful for the ill-fitting clothes, unwanted films and frankly inexplicable tat from grandparents that will be issued on the big day.
“It won’t be easy,” warned Williams.
“But it could be worse. You could have been slaughtered in one of the recent global atrocities, and at least there isn’t going to be a Call the Midwife Christmas special this year.
“Shit, sorry, actually there is. Oh well, bollocks to it then. Just get hammered and spend as much of Christmas as possible in a semi-comatose state.
“That’s what Christmas is really about, anyway.”
NT

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