Tuesday, 6 December 2016

Happy Merries

A pub owner from Essex has been telling Southend News Network about how he has managed to transform a £6 roast turkey carvery into a £49.95 CHRISTMAS FEAST by simply adding a cracker to each place setting that costs 14p from a local cash and carry. 
Roger Shafton, who has owned Southend’s Badger and Mongoose for seven years, made the shocking mathematical discovery while sitting in a meeting with his bank manager in October. 
He said: ‘It’s a very complex equation, but in a nutshell I have single-handedly discovered a way to bridge the gap between £6.00 and £49.95 with a simple explosive device made of paper and gunpowder.’
‘It’s amazing what a tiny hat, a crap joke and a whistle can do to your profit margin.’
‘In the past, I have only been able to balance this complex maths puzzle with some chipolatas wrapped in bacon rashers, but this year it won’t be necessary because Brexit.’
‘My cousin owns a nightclub in Central Southend, and he has applied the same scientific principal to turn a £2.50 bottle of Corona into a £20 artisan bottle of Corona on New Year’s Eve. We’re heroes of retail.’
Local taxi driver Eric Bourne-Lastwick told our Chief Reporter that diesel is expected to triple in price on New Year’s Eve.
He said: ‘Our fares over New Year will reflect the predicted moment of flash instability within countries that form OPEC.’
‘We have it on good authority from BP, Shell, Esso and the other one that diesel will skyrocket in price before suddenly crashing back to normal levels at 6am on January 3rd.’

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