Wednesday, 21 December 2016

Bigger and Better

The USA is to be renamed U!S!A! U!S!A! U!S!A! following the inauguration of President Trump, according to plans revealed today.
The change is designed to reflect how most Americans refer to their country and is expected to make little difference in their day-to-day lives, although it will annoy the Secretary-General of the United Nations when he calls the nation’s representative to speak.
The Oath of Allegiance taken every day in schools across the nation will be replaced with a simple five minutes of chanting “U!S!A!” and “We’re Number One!”, after it was revealed most Americans start having difficulty with reading the word ‘allegiance’ and it’s usually downhill from there.
To help publicise the move, American Embassies the world over will be decorated with the letters U!S!A! in eight-foot-tall letters flashing red white and blue to help make locals aware. Speaker systems will be installed to play the Star Spangled Banner and the greatest hits of John Philip Sousa.
“We think this better reflects where the USA is as a nation in the 21st century”, said incoming Secretary of State and former Breitbart columnist Simon Williams.
“Or the U!S!A! U!S!A! U!S!A! as I should say from now on.
“Obviously the change will be entirely voluntary, but failing to chant U!S!A! whenever the nation is mentioned in conversation will be punishable by a $100,000 fine or up to a year in jail.”
The move follows several nations seeking to rename themselves, including Canada being renamed ‘Baconia’ and the SNP changing Scotland’s name to ‘Referendia Eterna’.
NT

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