Monday, 19 December 2016

Big Shouty Blurk

Brian Blessed
Historians researching the legendary monarch Good King Wenceslas have been surprised to learn that he was actually Brian Blessed with a time machine.
The fact that Brian had travelled a thousand years back in time to go on holiday is considered ‘unsurprising’ and ‘the sort of thing he would do’ by experts.
Evidence proves that Blessed had been on a mountaineering holiday in 10th century Bohemia and stopped off in Prague to ask directions to St Agnes’s Fountain, where he had heard there was a peasant’s hut just above the tree line to bivouac for the night.
“The fact that it was the coldest and snowiest time of year to go mountain climbing didn’t deter him, in fact, it’s doubtful whether he noticed, actually,” historian Simon Williams confirmed.
“Anyhow the population of Prague were very impressed by Brian’s regal bearing and booming, stentorian voice. They asked him to be their monarch, and Brian agreed, so long as it didn’t interfere with his mountaineering vacation.”
‘Bring me flesh and bring me wine,’ he is said to have roared, ordering supplies for the journey. ‘That way, when we arrive we can all stuff our faces and get plastered!’ he added, in a jovial aside which has not made it into the traditional carol.
Contemporary accounts suggest that the “page” who accompanied Brian was actually a strapping six-footer, a local lad called Marek who wrestled oxen in his spare time.
However, next to Brian he still looked like a bit of a girl, which is why he is always voiced by one in the carol.
Brian Blessed confirmed that he had indeed once been crowned monarch during a time-travelling holiday in a thousand years ago, but hadn’t put it into his memoirs because “plenty of much more unlikely things have happened to me, such as that time with the dinosaurs.”
NT

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