Tuesday, 29 November 2016

One for the Septics

We Brits are known to enjoy "throwing shade" about our US compadres across the pond. A lot. 
Stories abound with titles like 'Things Americans have never understood about the British' and 'Reasons Americans just don't speak English', et cetera.
Now, my Yankiepals, it's your time to shine.
Here's the definitive list of ten things Americans do better than us in the UK (as told by an English person):

1. Junk food

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Picture: (AP IMAGES / freshidea)

McDonald's, Burger King, KFC, Wendy's, Wendy's, Panda Express, Taco Bell...is there no end to the talents of America's convenience food industry?
We've ripped off most of them over here, to great success.
Also, supersizing is a glorious construct.
Our wussy human portion sizes vs. your gargantuan feasts of food orgy. No comparison.

 

2. Cannabis

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Picture: (AP Images / composite)

You've got Woodstock, weed fairs, medical marijuana and California.
We've got skinning up in the p****ng rain behind the back of your mate Dave's caravan. Allegedly.
Even your vocabulary is better (this time). Just compare:
US: doobie, dope, hash, blunt, herb, joint.
Conjures gentle images of nature and Sunday DIY.
UK: weed, spliff, sh*t, skank.
Self explanatory.

 

3. Road trips

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Picture: (AP IMAGES / Kar Tr)

US road trips conjure up images of open roads, convertibles, laughter and holidays - and movies about learning the lessons of life.
It might be because the UK is so much smaller, or so much less driver friendly, or it might just be that our weather is terrible, but a road trip in the UK is likely to be a vastly different experience.
Think endless rain, Little Chef, and traffic jams on the M25.
Or incessant reflections to the tune of: 
We Really Should Have Taken The Train Despite Southern Rail.

 

4.Summer camp

Seriously, why is this not a thing in the UK?
Possibly, again, due to the weather.
'Smores, campfires, The Parent Trap, 'capture the flag', adolescent bonding - us UK youngsters could only look on in envy as you lot had all the summer lovin' fun.
While we had Butlins...

 

5. Big sports games

Nobody, but nobody, pulls off a big sports game like the Americans.
The pomp! The ceremony! The marching bands! The cheerleaders and confetti canons! The celebrity performances! THE SUPERBOWL!
Back here in Blighty, a big footie match usually means a fight on the Tube and a poorly executed trip to 'Spoons.

6. Patriotism

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Picture: (Getty Images / Jonathan Daniel)

The Americans have been known to achieve orgasmic levels of patriotic ecstasy.
Saluting the flag, crying at the raising of the flag, wearing the flag, singing while holding a flag...a lot of it is flag-related, to be honest.
That sort of flag would never fly in the UK.
Over here, we have a reluctant fondness for our ageing Queen and brief Marmite-induced madness.

 

7. Malls 

American malls are so vastly and distinctly superior to our UK shopping centres that you can't even use it as a direct translation.
Cafes, restaurants, cinemas, industrial quantities of knock-off designer togs...
From what I've seen in American movies, it looks like malls are more than just a shopping destination: they're actually a legitimate place to hang out.
Over here, we have the park.

 

8. Friendliness

Yes, we Brits are known for our reticence, and not without due cause. 
And while we may mock you Yanks for your ability to wordvomit your entire life story within minutes of a meeting, Forrest Gump-style, secretly we envy your instant warmth.
Because while you can always depend on the kindness of strangers, we'd be lucky to get a quid out of anyone for an emergency bus fare.

9. Portrayals of single women

You: Sex and the City, glamour, wealth, great sex, sophistication, female solidarity...Beyonc√©...

Us: Bridget Jones.

And last but not least...

 

10. Demagoguery

Just look at the slogans:
Make America Great Again!
- unspecified things were awesome and could be again via an unspecified method.
Take Back Control.
- advert for incontinence pads.
We have Nigel Farage. You have Donald Trump.
Whole. Next. Level.
i100

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