Wednesday, 23 November 2016

More M25

A spokesperson for the Department of Transport has confirmed that the M25 motorway will be extended to Southend. According to a lengthy statement released this afternoon, the ‘spur’ route to South Essex will ease congestion on the existing A127 and A13 trunk roads.
An announcement hadn’t been planned until mid-2017, but a hasty press release was sent out today after bungling road workers accidentally installed one of the new signs at the existing junction of the A13 and the M25 near Thurrock.
The statement said: ‘It has come to our attention that a sign has been installed that indicates that the M25 motorway will be extended to Southend in Essex. We can officially confirm that this sign has been prematurely installed, and furthermore we can also confirm that the M25 extension project to Southend has now obtained royal ascent – this means that building work can start immediately.’
‘The route has been carefully planned to only run across existing brownfield sites that rest between the A127 and the A13, and this third route from South Essex to the M25 will have an average speed limit of 70 mph enforced at all times.’
‘Because of an outstanding legal issue, we have been forced to name the new motorway as an extension of the M25.’
‘A private equity firm has recently bought the copyrights and trademarks of every unused motorway designation between M1 and M1000, and having to create a new motorway name would have added £150m to the project’s construction costs.’
‘The new road to Southend should be open by 2028, and it will mean that technically the M25 will no longer be an orbital motorway – it will be more of a lasso shape, or perhaps more of a magnifying glass.’
However, a number of South Essex residents have reacted with OUTRAGE after it emerged that the extended M25 will have NO JUNCTIONS between the existing M25 and Cuckoo Corner in Southend.
According to lead trafficologist Horace Pomplemoose of the University of Thundersley, the layout will mean that journey times could be as low as 14 minutes from the existing M25 to Southend when nobody else is using the road and it isn’t raining.

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