Tuesday, 30 April 2013

how are you?


C & H

Calvin and Hobbes

Keeping Up on a Budget

TTel offers some tips to keep up with the Joneses without the extra expense:

Are you concerned that you can only afford to go on holiday to Bognor Regis? Give a richer friend your Facebook log-in details so that they can update your status from Tuscany.
Don’t forget to polish your automated out-of-office email. “I’m currently away on annual leave; please contact my secretary” doesn’t really cut the mustard. “I’m currently on annual leave in Tuscany; please have a look at my photos on Facebook” is much more like it.
Get really good at Photoshop.
Embarrassed by the blue-and-yellow cabin-approved bag you bought from Ryanair last summer? Jazz it up by tying a stolen Virgin Upper Class label to the handle.
Do: use a car-sharing club, such as Zipcar, allowing you to pass off an Audi A3 as your own.
Don’t: get caught swiping the windscreen with Zipcar’s card.
Casually drop into conversation that you had a lovely weekend on the estate. Don’t let slip that the estate in question is the nearby council estate that you hurry through after dark.
Tell people how much you enjoy the shooting on the estate.
Does the fact that you can’t afford more than one pot of Oval Room Blue, Vert de Terre, Breakfast Room Green, Dorset Cream, Rectory Red or Manor House Gray make you weep? Don’t worry: Dulux is a lot cheaper than Farrow & Ball. Just make sure to leave the right colour chart lying around your kitchen.
Rightmove lets you search over a million properties for sale. But if you’re going to scan the website at work, remember that no one walking past your desk will be impressed unless you put in a suitable minimum price. Houses costing up to £1.5 million should do the trick.
Can’t afford to move home? Why not change its name instead. It’s relatively simple, involving letters to your local council, the Land Registry, the Electoral Roll, your mortgage lender, your doctor, and anyone else who writes to you. So take the plunge and change your address now to: “47c Smith Street, The Old Rectory, Hull.”
If you live in London, remember that every area has two names: the actual name and the one the estate agents call it. Always use the latter. It’s not Battersea; it’s South Chelsea. It’s not Maida Vale; it’s (very) North Notting Hill.
If in doubt, use “village” as a suffix. As in: “Yes, I live in Peckham Village – very up and coming.”
And if you bump into a casual acquaintance on the Tube journey home, impress them by getting off in zone one – and then walking the final eight miles to your flat in zone four.
Are you a middle manager in charge of a team of two and a budget of £10,000? No, you are what your business card says you are: “Vice President, Marketing (UK, Europe and Middle East)”. Make sure everyone sees it.
You’re not “between jobs”, “taking some time out” or, God forbid, “unemployed” – you’re on “gardening leave”. Yes, you are gardening the solitary pot plant in your tiny kitchen. It requires a lot of attention.
Do say: “I dabble in a spot of consultancy on the side. It’s all about portfolio careers these days, isn’t it?”
Don’t say: “My job only lets me into the office three days a week, so I spend the other two in my pants at home watching Neighbours.”
Can’t afford boarding school? No problem. Simply send your children to stay with their grandparents at weekends and pretend they’re at Radley.
Annoyed that your daughter narrowly missed out on Oxford – perhaps because you couldn’t afford to offer to renovate the college library – and is going to Durham instead? Just tell everyone she’s off to Doxbridge.
Embarrassed by the mongrel you picked up from Battersea Dogs Home? Save hundreds of pounds by forging your own five-generation pedigree certificate.
Struggling to keep up with Bupa premiums? Lots of NHS hospitals have private wings attached, so you can still enter by the appropriate door – before scuttling down the corridors to where you belong.
Make sure your credit card looks the part. If in doubt, colour it in with a black felt tip and write “American Express” on the front.
Looking for a Savile Row suit on the cheap? Pick one up from a charity shop, cut out the label and sew it into a suit from Marks & Spencer.
Never accept a Sainsbury’s “bag for life” when you can take your own Waitrose bag to Sainsbury’s instead.
As above, substituting Lidl for Sainsbury’s and Sainsbury’s for Waitrose.
Join a public library, if you can still find one, and borrow all their impressive‑looking books. Forget to return them.
Tell anyone who’s interested that the reason you bought standing tickets at the Globe has got nothing to do with the £5 price tag and everything to do with getting close to the action.
As above, for the National Theatre, remembering that standing tickets are at the back and therefore you have to say that you prefer the wider angle on the stage.
Always remember to invite people for “kitchen suppers”. Then they’ll never discover that you don’t have a dining room.
Refer to “the old Aga”, even if your cooking device is a camping stove.
PG Tips tea bags can be taken out of their box, unstitched and put into biodegradable Teapig tea temples.
Buy a wine decanter.
Remember to throw away the three-litre, £13.29 Lidl wine-in-a-box from which you decanted the wine.

I'll Have a T Then

Wool & Prince, an American firm, says its new wool shirt can go months without being cleaned because the fabric is naturally resistant to odours and as an added bonus, their shirts will never need to be ironed because the material does not wrinkle.

The shirts, which are dry-clean or gentle-wash only, use wool fibres which can be bent back on themselves 20 000 times without breaking, compared with cotton which bends only 3 200 times.  This means the fabric can be repeatedly crushed and stretched out and still regain its original shape when shaken out, the company said.

Wool avoids accumulating odour because it is more efficient than other fabrics at absorbing sweat, which itself has no smell, and evaporating it into thin air before bacteria develop on the surface.

More at TTel

Sucker Punch

Newcastle united fans and horses
Stables across the country have been placed on high alert due to the risk of equine violence following Newcastle United’s 0-6 loss against Liverpool.
The Government has issued instructions for horses to stay indoors following predictions of what could be a days of bloody violence between Geordies and Horse-kind.
A spokesman for Number 10 said, “Emergency shelters have been put in operation, and are operating a strict ‘mares and foals first’ policy.”
“We strongly advise all horses not to take any risks. Even if you look a bit ‘horsey’, we suggest you stay away from the north-east or anyone from that region altogether.”

Newcastle defeat

Those working with horses have reported thousands of frightened animals concerned for their safety.
A farmer in County Durham told reporters that, as the sixth goal hit its mark, frantic cries of “nay, nay, nay!” could be heard coming from his livestock, just before they ran into the North Sea and decided to swim for it.
Panicked breeders have been furiously tweeting that the effect on the horse population could be “worse than 50 Grand Nationals put together.”


Bull's can run faster uphill than down.

Brown Envelopes

Following QPR’s relegation, manager Harry Redknapp has begun looking for the clubs ‘parachute’ payment, having apparently misinterpreted the terms of his contract.
Redknapp, who has a reputation for saving clubs in the midst of relegation battles, is said to have engaged in a late-night roam of Loftus Park’s executive suite for the famed payment after yesterday’s draw sealed the clubs fate.
“I came to QPR bristling with hope and ambition, particularly given the financial assurances I understood to be in place to protect me should the worst happen,” he told reporters at a press conference.
“Anyone thinking I came here to pick £80k a week to watch that go down the tube whilst the club picks up £40-50 million over the next four-seasons all because my managerial skills come up short, has more loose screws than Holloway prison.”
“They can bungee it to me for all I care.”

Redknapp’s parachute payment

When quizzed on the apparent disappearance of his Houdini like management qualities, the former West Ham manager was certain his performance demonstrated they remained fully intact and available for hire.
“The thing is, this relegation should only serve to reinforce the myth.”
“Afterall, my Harry Houdini act went out and did the ultimate Harry Houdini act by vanishing.”
“What more can you ask?”

No Laughing Business

Ken Clarke UKIP clowns
Circus clown have reacted angrily to Ken Clarke’s suggestion that they are ‘a collection of UKIP members’, it has emerged.
The pro-European cabinet minister said that clowns had no positive policies and were just in favour of throwing buckets of water over people – preferably foreigners.
But Clown Leader, Nige Faragoni, hit back by accusing Mr Clarke of holding millions of circus lovers “in utter contempt”.
He said Mr Clarke was “obviously not interested” in winning back people with massive shoes and sad faces at Thursday’s local elections in England and Wales.
Veteran Tory Clarke reignited his party’s war of words with clowns last week by branding them a bunch of fruitcakes and racists.
Meanwhile clowns have accused the Tories of conducting a “morally reprehensible” smear campaign against its local election candidates.

Clowns upset over UKIP slur

The Clown Party has recruited a record 1,732 candidates to contest Thursday’s local elections, but admits it has not had the time to vet them all for homophobic or far right views .
Faragoni rose to prominence as Britain’s lead clown after flying his toy aeroplane into turbulence and allowing it to crash into the ground in front of cheering spectators.
However, he courted further controversy after firing himself out of a canon to illustrate the pressure that migrants are putting on local services.
A group of clowns from Faragoni’s travelling circus were later accused of upsetting children by insisting that Rastamouse had only come to Britain to steal Fingermouse’s job.
And as recently as yesterday, Faragoni was forced to deny causing a scene in the frozen food aisle of Sainsburys after questioning the ethnicity of Dr Oetker.


If you’re trapped on a deserted island, instead of spending months looking for the Pearl Station and figuring out the smoke monster you could just pull the antenna out of the Breitling Emergency IIand call in a rescue party. This watch contains a small emergency transmitter that will notify authorities of your position as soon as you deploy an internal antenna, ensuring you won’t even get a chance to notify Desmond that it’s not Penny’s boat.
The original Emergency watch, designed in the 1990s, sent a 121.5 MHz signal that could be detected by rescue craft within 100 miles of the watch. The new model also transmits at 406.04 MHz, a frequency that is now monitored by orbiting satellite. The watch can transmit for about 24 hours before the battery dies.
The watch is huge – 51mm wide – and surprisingly thick. However, the fact they’ve been able to fit a solid transmitter and a nice quartz chrono into a package that could feasibly save your life is pretty cool. Breitling will also give you a new watch if you activate the transmitter in a real emergency situation. The piece will cost $15,000 when it’s released this year.
The watch comes with a charger for the emergency module and the quartz movement is powered by a separate battery. It’s obviously a bit pricey so you may want to think twice before coughing up the cash. After all if, once you land on the island, you’re suddenly able to walk again and you get to hang around with Evangeline Lilly, you may just want to hang around for a while and see how things play out. Your call. For more on the Emergency, head over to A Blog To Watch’s hands on from Basel this year.

Tech Crunch

One Hit Wonders

Metro looks at some one hit wonders- most of which I have the pleasure of not having heard them before.  It's going to stay like that...

10. Las Ketchup – The Ketchup Song
The novelty act is almost guaranteed to disappear as quickly as they surfaced. Often defining a key moment of the year (usually summer or Christmas), the tongue-in-cheek act will usually delight the nation, before opinion shifts to the negative. This was the case for sexy senoritas Las Ketchup who stormed the charts in 2002 with ‘The Ketchup Song’. Follow-up single, Kusha Las Payas, got lost in translation and the Spanish sisters haven’t bothered the charts since.
9. Lou Bega – Mambo No. 5
Not strictly a one hit wonder as second single, ‘I Got A Girl’ did make the charts. But it only limped into number 55 – so hardly compares next to 1999 summer smash ‘Mambo No. 5’. A third single failed to chart completely. Although 1999 must have been a terrible summer for music as Lou knocked Geri Halliwell’s ‘Mi Chico Latino’ with ‘Mambo No. 5’ – only to be superseded himself by Vengaboys with ‘We’re Going to Ibiza’.
8. White Town – Your Woman
A late 90s classic, ‘Your Town’ is regarded as a one hit wonder for White Town as, despite five albums, it’s unlikely you’d have heard any of Jyoti Prakash Mishra (the man behind White Town) other tracks. This single hit the number 1 spot back in ’97, but nothing else managed to chart.
7. Saka Noel – Loca People
Johnny! What the F-!? This must, indeed, be what Spanish DJ Saka Noel must be thinking as his track ‘Loca People’ hit the number 1 spot in 2011 but a follow up hit has failed to materialise. A second single called ‘Paso (The Nini Anthem)’ was released in January last year but failed to dent the top 100.
6. Nizlopi – JCB Song
Christmas used to be the most bonkers time of year for music. While in recent years, the coveted Number 1 position in the charts is pretty much guaranteed to go to an X Factor contestant, it used to be a time when the bizarre could reach the top. Bob The Builder, Mr Blobby, Cliff Richards – the unexpected can land the festive honour. But unknowns Nizlopi surprised everyone with their cute song JCB in 2005. They held the number 1 position until X Factor series 2 winner Shayne Ward kicked them off the top spot – and (perhaps out of sheer humiliation) they’ve never returned.
5. MARRS – Pump Up The Volume
It has all the electro beats that defined the 80s, but chart topping track ‘Pump Up The Volume’ proved to be a one off for dance act MARRS. It reached number 1 in 1987 but the musicians never released a sequel.
4. 3 of a Kind – Baby Cakes
The old saying goes – two’s company, three’s a crowd. So perhaps the nation felt crushed by the success of 3 of a Kind when they released ‘Baby Cakes’ in 2004. They were number number one for a week and a song titles ‘Wink One Eye’ was recorded, but never released.
3. DJ Pied Piper – Do You Really Like It?
Do you really like it? Is it, is it wicked? Apparently not as DJ Pied Piper only ever had one hit song. Despite being a chart topper – and selling almost half a million copies of the club tune – a follow up to ‘Do You Really Like It’ was never released.
2. Steve Brookstein – Against All Odds
He certainly won against the odds when he was crowned the first ever winner of the X Factor in 2005. And despite winning the backing of Simon Cowell and a record deal with Sony BMG, ‘Against All Odds’ (a cover of the Phil Collins classic) was the only track to chart for Steve Brookstein. The single debuted at number 2 on the charts – climbing to the top spot a week later – but a second single was never released, and he was quickly dropped by his record company.
1. Gotye – Somebody That I Used To Know
Unfortunately for Belgian crooner Gotye, he may just be somebody that we used to know as he has failed to yet release a successful hit in the UK since this early 2012 surprise number  1. He continues to release music in the rest of Europe and has been on a world tour, but he’s not made an appearance on British charts since.


If you’re a man and want to be sexy, a study recommends you should go unshaven for ten days.  According to research by the University of New South Wales, in Australia, women find a man more attractive if he has been growing his beard for ten days.

My Photo
And there we have the problem in this "research".  How on earth would the Aussies know anything about sexy...?

Letters of Note

On February 27th, 1969, 20 year-old Andy Kaufman wrote the following letter to his idol — Elvis Presley — and spoke of both his admiration for the King of Rock 'n' Roll and his desire to meet him in person. It was another 3 years until Kaufman's now famous Elvis act was first televised; a performance which Presley himself later claimed to be his favourite Elvis impersonation. 

Thanks to Jude for the tip. Should anyone be able to fill in the missing portion of what is still a fascinating read, let me know. 


Feb 27, 1969
Leavitt Hall
645 Beacon St.
Boston, Msses, Room 629

Dear Mr. Presley,


Here I am at the old college desk writing you a letter for the first time in my life.

Here I am twenty years old. I have been an "Elvis Presley fan" since my grandfather bought me a copy of Elvis' Golden Records when I was seven. (Since then I have acquired every word you ever recorded, except three.)

You are Elvis Presley. I am Andy Kaufman. One day I shall meet you. I shall shake your hand. I shall say "Hello."

I know you, ya know? I really do know you. I have seen


as yours.) It's just an idea, but if it can't happen, can you arrange for me to just shake your hand and say hello? I mean, I've gone through a heckova lot these past few years, turning people on to you, dragging friends and parties to your movies. I don't even drink, smoke, or curse anymore.

Thanks for everything
(No kiddin', I feel like I'm writin' to Santa Claus or somethin'.)


Andy G. Kaufman

Letters of Note


1 nautical knot equates to 1.852 kph- 1.150 mph.


21. When the sun is just a little too bright.

When the sun is just a little too bright.

22. Like a good model, lovely Victoria can even emote AS she poses.

Like a good model, lovely Victoria can even emote AS she poses.

23. Here she is feeling slightly under the weather, still working all of her best angles, of course.

Here she is feeling slightly under the weather, still working all of her best angles, of course.

24. Here Victoria is enduring a frantic inner monologue over how hot and itchy her leather leg warmers are.

Here Victoria is enduring a frantic inner monologue over how hot and itchy her leather leg warmers are.

25. And now Victoria is just so over fashion.

And now Victoria is just so over fashion.

26. JK she loves it again!

JK she loves it again!

27. Here's Victoria trying her best to upstage Angelina Jolie.

Here's Victoria trying her best to upstage Angelina Jolie.
That left leg of hers was just dying to get the spotlight.

28. And lastly, Victoria warmly engaging the crowd at the end of a fashion show.

28 Photos Of Victoria Beckham's One Facial Expression

In sum:

28 Photos Of Victoria Beckham's One Facial Expression