Thursday, 28 February 2013

Bud Light

Budweiser watered down
Fans of bland booze are suing the makers of Budweiser, claiming the flavour became ‘dangerously overwhelming’ after it was fortified with water.
Budweiser is made using a secret recipe, carefully developed to avoid any taste at all creeping into the product.
But disgruntled employees now claim that the beer has been deliberately ‘watered-up’, causing a mild reaction to some people’s taste buds.
“When I’m swilling down an industrially fermented rice drink, I don’t want it to remind me that I’m actually drinking”, claimed Bud fan Dave Moore.
“I buy Bud for the alcohol, not for some gastronomic experience. If I wanted to taste water, I’d buy a bottle of Fosters.”

Budweiser watered down

Anheuser–Busch has denied manipulating their product, claiming they ‘even dry the bottles by hand’ to avoid water contamination.
“We spent years designing filters to take out all traces of hops, malt or wetness”, explained head brewer Chuck Langley.
“You could be sipping a Bud right now, and you’d be none the wiser.”
“Why would we risk alienating our fans by adding something as interesting as water? Even the ice in our adverts is just cold lumps of plastic.”
Langley has offered customers a latex tongue cover, just in case they’re confronted with a flavour in future.
“I’m confident in the quality of our product, but the rubber ‘Bud Guard This’ is just another layer of protection, in case you accidentally order a water shandy.”
Langley tried to reassure reporters by offering samples of his beer, but the sharper ones noticed the bottles were empty.
“Sorry, wrong product”, sighed Langley. “That must have been a crate of Bud Lite.”


Pope farewell gig
Pope Benedict XVI has delighted the thousands of fans who turned out for his farewell gig with an impromptu performance of his classic hits ‘homosexuals are an abomination’ and ‘Jesus hates Johnnies’.
After announcing his retirement, many Pope fans felt worried that he might have lost the passion that converted so many into his loyal followers – a concern that proved unfounded.
The Pope addressed the audience like a man ten years younger than himself, with the vigour not normally associated with impeding retirement.
“Do the one about gays being a product of the devil!” screamed one excited concert goer, and the Pope duly obliged by whipping the crowd into a frenzy with the words, “According to Leviticas 18:22….”
“I loved the bit where he said condoms don’t really help with Aids, it still sounds so fresh even after all these years.”

Pope farewell gig

Audience member Pepe Williams told us, “I had to be here today as I’m such a big fan of all of his work, but you still can’t beat his really early stuff from Genesis. It’s how most of us became fans, to be honest.”
However not everyone was impressed.  Former fan Nicola Matthews said she’d grown out of the Pope in her late teens, and felt this latest gig was a bit ‘sad’.
“I his whole Catholic thing a bit derivative to be honest,” she told us.
Sure, he’s got some catchy classics that it’s easy to get behind, but when you listen to the lyrics you find they don’t make any sense to a grown adult. A bit like One Direction.”
“Also, I think it’s a bit disingenuous to still be calling himself ‘The’ Pope. Did you know there have now been more Popes than there have been Sugababes?”


Niagara Falls could fill 4 000 bathtubs every second.

In the Blue Corner

Chelsea interim manager Rafa Benitez has been installed by bookmakers as the favourite for the newly created BBC Sports Split-Personality of the year award.
The move comes after his post-match outburst following his side’s 2-0 FA Cup victory over Middlesborough.
The Spaniard, famed for a brand of football so cautious, he once tried to sign a lolli-pop lady to safely usher his charges into the opposition’s half of the pitch, claimed the club made a ‘huge’ mistake in calling him ‘interim’ manager.
“Installing me in the first place was a signal to the players that they had about as much chance of having a successful end to the season as bringing the missus to the Christmas party and not seeing her end up on the short end of John Terry,” he told reporters.
“What was Roman thinking?”
“Sacking your Champions League winning manager is one thing, but compounding that error by calling me interim manager instead of ‘failed applicant’, is an even bigger error of judgement.”
“My CV reads like a promiscuous harlot who has failed to bring several blue-balled clients to climax.”

BBC Sports Split Personality Award

A BBC Press Officer, Sheila Mount, confirmed the creation of the new award, suggesting the old format had ran its course.
“Any award for a ‘personality’ that sees Andy Murray rock up third, is clearly, and fundamentally, flawed.”
“A bit like Benitez.”

Double Duo

Cameron and Clegg for Mars mission
David Cameron and Nick Clegg are the ideal choice for Dennis Tito’s Mars adventure wildcard voyage to the Red Planet, according to the entire population of the UK.
A team led by millionaire and former space tourist Dennis Tito plans to send a “tested couple” to Mars in a privately funded mission, which will explore the effects of lethal gamma radiation on the human torso.
The Inspiration Mars Foundation plans to start its one-and-a-half-year mission in January 2018, but Britons insist that the couple are ‘good to go’ by October 2013 latest.
And space experts across Britain claim that by making the return leg ‘optional’ they can do the trip at half the price.
Among those involved in the project is Jane Poynter, who spent two years locked away in a sealed ecosystem with seven other people in 1991 which she described as a ‘New Age Garden of Eden except for the other tossers’.
“Basically, the person you’re holed up with needs to be someone you can trust. That rules out Iain Duncan Smith,” she told us.

Mission to Mars

Mission planners want the crew to consist of an older couple whose relationship would be able to withstand the stress of living in a close Coalition for two years.
Poynter continued, “The selection process will attempt to find a resilient couple who would be able to maintain a happy upbeat attitude in the face of catastrophic failure and a cold indifferent universe.”
Meanwhile, the couple will receive extensive training in the form of a Red Dwarf box set and a pamphlet entitled ‘How To Wipe Your Arse in Zero Gravity’.
However, critics suggest that the cramped conditions and ionising radiation will have serious consequences for pair’s fertility.
Poynter added, “What? You mean you want them to have more kids?”

Remarkable Man

Wilko Johnson’s farewell tour is, for once in rock’n’roll, poignantly irrevocable. The pancreatic cancer doctors say will kill him this year has seen to that. With bitter irony, his discussion on Radio 4 of his post-diagnosis sensations of pin-sharp connection to the world finally introduced a general audience to one of British rock’s lost treasures.

Inside the honest club sweatbox where Johnson has aptly chosen to start his last go-round, there’s barely room to move. These fans don’t know him as a spiritually articulate cancer casualty, but the songwriter-guitarist of Canvey Island’s great 1970s r’n’b band Dr. Feelgood. They had a theatrical menace which cleared the way for punk, and in Johnson a bug-eyed guitar gunslinger whose lyrics carved pulp poetry from the landscape and people of his Essex home.

With Blockheads bassist Norman Watt-Roy and drummer Dylan Howe backing him, Johnson is soon tearing into songs from a solo career still awaiting discovery. In “Barbed Wire Blues”, his serrated, stuttering guitar stabs are an art a personal, irreplaceable art.

“Dr. Dupree” then offers an exotically mysterious narrative, to which Johnson curls drifting psychedelic blues figures. Dr. Feelgood’s “Sneakin’ Suspicion” may be his best song. The notes are clenched as tight as a speed-freak’s teeth, and the blues template of “waking up this morning” is given film noir existential threat, as a phone the narrator doesn’t dare answer rings in an empty room. Factory shifts, late-night drinking and ill-advised affairs animate this world.

There’s something fundamental to everything he does tonight: the slow-motion slides across the stage, eyes bulging in mock-threat, and the lean plucks and punches of his guitar. He swings that machine-gun surrogate one more time near the end; no longer the comic-book Al Capone of old, more a soft-hearted gangster of love.

Albeit one who only the previous day, he sheepishly tells us, stabbed his guitar-hand with a carving knife in the heat of an argument on Skype. There’s a long, delicate encore of Chuck Berry’s “Bye Bye Johnny”, in which the lyric “Bye-bye, Johnny B. Goode” draws farewell waves from the crowd. It’s the only hint of mawkishness. Johnson feared he would be a “sorry spectacle” before these gigs began; a stricken, pitiful casualty. The happy evidence is that Wilko Johnson is utterly alive. 

Great piece from TInd


The odds of being struck by lightning are 600 000 to 1.

Mental Meltdowns

Chelsea interim manager Rafael Benitez suffered a meltdown in Middlesbrough last night when he launched into a verbal attack on the club’s supporters who have criticised his leadership.

The former Liverpool boss has been unpopular with the Stamford Bridge faithful since the day he was appointed to replace Roberto Di Matteo.

Speaking after his team’s FA Cup win at the Riverside Stadium, a clearly frustrated Benitez was vociferous on a number of issues regarding his spell at the club and said he would leave at the end of the season. He also attacked the board when he insisted ‘someone made a mistake’ by adding the ‘interim’ tag to his job title.

Here are ten other jaw-dropping rants from managers and sports stars.

Just four days after being appointed as Newcastle’s interim manager, former Wimbledon boss Kinnear hit the headlines after a press conference in which he swore 52 times while criticising the media for saying he failed to turn up for training on his first day in charge. Kinnear said to one journalist: ‘You are out of order. Absolutely f****** out of order. If you do it again, I am telling you you can f*** off and go to another ground.’
Newcastle manager Keegan reacted angrily to Sir Alex Ferguson’s mind games in the closing stages of the season. With United requiring only a draw in their final game to clinch the title, Keegan famously raged: ‘We have not resorted to that. I’ll tell you now because he’ll be watching this – we’re still fighting for this title and he’s still got to go to Middlesbrough and get something. I’d love it if we beat them. Love it.’

Dundee United boss Levein launched a stinging attack on referee Mike McCurry for his performance during his side’s 3-1 loss at Rangers. ‘Mike McCurry could have phoned me at home this morning and said, ”Look, Rangers are going to get the three points, just stay in the house”. It is impossible. Just try to imagine if these decisions had been the other way about – Mike McCurry would never referee another game again.’

Then Coventry manager Atkinson reacted furiously to claims by Sky interviewers Andy Gray and Richard Keys that he could not save the club from relegation. The former Manchester United boss cut off the interview and threw his headphones at a Sky producer after saying: ‘You can sit there and play with all your silly machines. If the boys play badly I’ll whip ‘em, but I ain’t whipping them for that. Thanks lads, goodnight.’
Real Madrid director Pedro Trapote claimed the Spanish giants had an agreement in place to sign United star Cristiano Ronaldo the following summer, much to the anger of the United boss. ‘Do you think I would enter into a contract with that mob?’ he said. ‘No chance. I would not sell them a virus. That is a “no” by the way. There is no agreement whatsoever between the clubs.’ Ronaldo, of course, did later move to the Bernabeu.
It’s Rafa again! The then Liverpool manager launched an astonishing attack on his Manchester United counterpart Sir Alex Ferguson, with the Spaniard claiming the Scot was ‘the only manager who will not be punished’ for outspoken attacks on referees. Benitez said: ‘We had a meeting in Manchester with managers and the Football Association about the respect campaign. And I was very clear, forget the campaign because Mr Ferguson was killing the referees, killing Mr [Martin] Atkinson, killing Mr [Keith] Hackett.’ He added: ‘We need to know that I am taking about facts, not my impression. There are things that everyone can see every single week.’

The Arsenal manager turned on his critics in the media ahead of the Champions League last-16 clash with Bayern Munich and in the wake of an FA Cup defeat by Blackburn. After a report that he was in talks over a new contract, Wenger said: ‘That is the wrong information and I work for 16 years in England and I think I deserve a bit more credit than wrong information that has only one intention: to harm. Why does it [contract story] just come out when we lose a big game? You think I am so naive that I don’t see what is behind that? You think I am a complete idiot? The lie is targeted to hurt.’
Iron Mike was in full flow as he hyped himself up to challenge Lennox Lewis for the WBC heavyweight title, threatening to eat the British boxer’s children. The small matter that Lewis was, at the time, single with no kids did not deter the Brooklyn brawler as he raged: ‘I was gonna rip his heart out. I’m the best ever. I’m the most brutal and vicious, the most ruthless champion there has ever been. No one can stop me. Lennox is a conquerer? No! He’s no Alexander! I’m Alexander! I’m the best ever. I’m Sonny Liston, I’m Jack Dempsey. There’s never been anyone like me. I’m from their cloth. There is no one who can match me. My style is impetuous, my defence is impregnable, and I’m just ferocious. I want his heart! I want to eat his children! Praise be to Allah.’

During a poor start to the season the Cubs were booed by their own fans after another home defeat and infuriated coach Elia launched into an astonishing foul-mouthed tirade, accusing the home fans of being all-round miscreants, who only attended games because they are too lazy to be employed. Every other word was an expletive during his three-minute rant. Needless to say, he isn’t fondly remembered by certain sections in the Windy City.
There was no love lost between Temple coach John Chaney and John Calipari, his opposite number at the University of Massachusetts, after a Valentine’s Day college basketball game. Chaney burst into a press conference staged by the triumphant Calipari and accused his rival of trying to influence officials before uttering a string of four-letter words and charging at his rival. A punch-up was only averted by alert onlookers who managed to restrain Chaney.


It's on the List

People like lists of things. They're everywhere on the internet. You name any subject matter you can think of, odds are there's a list about it. Nowhere is safe. Even here, on the Guardian Science section, one of the most popular articles in recent months is a list. But why are lists so popular? Well, here are 10 astonishing facts about lists that may help explain it.
1. People will tend to remember the first thing on a list
Lists are commonly used as tools for assessing people's memoryWord listsare a typical tool for testing someone's ability to remember and recall items, and can be designed and adapted to analyse a wide variety of human memory abilities. One of the things uncovered by this sort of research is the primacy effect, meaning people are more likely to remember the first thing they are presented with, due to the way attention works and the demands of memory formation. So when you try to tell someone about this list, you may end up saying "The first thing on the list was that you're more likely to remember the first thing on the list".
2. The human brain may automatically structure information in list form (although it may not)
Much research has been conducted into how humans store and structure their knowledge and thoughts. Collins and Quillan in 1969 proposed theirHierarchical Network model, where concepts and categories are stored at a certain level in the brain/mind and the properties of these are listed "below" (metaphorically). However, this view has met with some criticism, mainly based on how human memory or knowledge is rarely shown to be so rigidly organised. Still, it shows how fundamental lists may be.
3. Lists take advantage of a limited attention span
There is an increasingly common view that internet use shortens a person's attention span. While a lot of this is Greenfield-esque paranoia about new technology, evidence suggests our visual attention is attracted to novelty, and on the internet novelty is always only a click away. There is data to suggest that this is how internet use works, and much of the web is dedicated toexploiting this. Rather than paragraphs of narrative, pushing the limits of atypical attention span, lists offer novelty every few lines, and thus are more likely to avoid the dreaded TL:DR response.
4. You probably won't remember all the things on a typical list
A lot of lists are lists of 10, or some multiple thereof, given that the majority of humans have grown up using the decimal system. However, short-term memory, or "working memory" as it's known to psychologists, has an average capacity of 7 (+/-2). This means you can hold an average of 7 "things" in your short term memory. These can be letters, words, or even sentences, as long as they count as one "thing". This is the limit of your short term memory. These things can be transferred to the long term memory if you rehearse or encounter them enough, but this means that if you try to remember everything on this list to tell someone about later, you'll be unable to recall 3 items on average. This bit might be one of them, which would be ironic.
5. People are very good at grouping random things together, so lists can be about anything
Probability theories of category formation demonstrate that we tend to lump very different things together in the same category, (e.g. Football and Chess have very few features in common, but both would be considered a type of game). This tendency to group things together despite their differences mean lists with a nominal subject matter can include things that wander off topic quite bizarrely, like a list of scientific facts about the human body including adiscussion of atomic structure.
6. Popular things can be listed
Lists are very popular, so logically lists about popular things would be more popular again. Baconsexy ladiesfunny cats and tweets, all of these regularly end up on lists. You may say this point isn't scientific in any way, but I include it as evidence for the above point. Which means it is scientific in a very tenuous way.
7. Lists fit the way humans tend to read
It has been demonstrated many times, in scientific studies and Martin Robbins' blog, that the way people read things on the internet follows an F-shaped pattern. While this is detrimental to blogs and articles with continuous prose, this is obviously beneficial for lists of things, as the reader is reading in a pattern that largely follows a list structure.
8. There are many popular types of list, not just on the internet
Lists predate the internet by some considerable margin, and aren't necessarily constrained or dependent on it. Examples include shopping lists, bucket lists, guest lists and hit lists. These lists are invariably detached from the subject matter in some way; nobody ever buys a shopping list, bucket lists rarely feature buckets, a guest list is rarely seen inside a party/club, and there are no records of someone being killed with an actual hit list. Contrastingly, Craigslistwas created by someone called Craig. To date, there is no evidence of a popular list of all the angles at which a ship may list, suggesting that list formats are incompatible.
9. Some entries on a list are likely to be just padding
As mentioned, most people use the decimal system. As well as using words like "amazing", "astonishing", "Incredible" etc. in the title (which are impressive sounding but technically impossible to disprove), the majority of lists will be a list of 10 things, or a multiple thereof. This will inevitably lead to someone preparing a list and including things that shouldn't really be in it in order to make it 10 items in length. This makes it look "proper". See the point before this one for a demonstration of this happening.
10. People will tend to remember the last thing on a list
Lists are commonly used as tools for assessing people's memory. Word lists are a typical tool for testing someone's ability to remember and recall items, and can be designed and adapted to analyse a wide variety of human memory abilities. One of the things uncovered by this sort of research is the recency effect, meaning people are more likely to remember the last thing they are presented with, due to the way attention works and the demands of memory formation. So when you try to tell someone about this list, you may end up saying "The last thing on the list was that you're more likely to remember the last thing on the list".
Dean Burnett is on Twitter as @garwboy and welcomes people with a short attention is it lunchtime yet or not?


For the Sensible Among Us

Or the clueless...

What is alcohol?

Alcohol is a common term for ethanol, a compound produced when glucose is fermented by yeast. The alcohol content of a particular drink is controlled by the amount of yeast and length of fermentation.
Fruit is used to make wine and cider, while cereals such as barley and rye form the basis of beer and spirits.
Alcohol is a drug that has the immediate effect of altering mood. Drinking it makes people feel relaxed, happy and even euphoric, but in fact alcohol is a depressant. It switches off the part of the brain that controls judgement, leading to loss of inhibitions. Drinking even small amounts of alcohol can affect physical coordination.
The liver breaks down and eliminates alcohol from the body. It takes the liver about one hour to deal with one unit of alcohol (8g).

Benefits of alcohol

Alcohol consumed in moderation is thought to help reduce the risk of heart disease. Indeed, alcohol consumption in conjunction with high intakes of fruit and vegetables may well explain the so-called 'French paradox'. The French diet is considered to be very high in fat, especially saturated fat, yet the death rate from coronary heart disease (CHD) remains relatively low.
A research study published in 1992 suggested that the low death rates from CHD could be due to the relatively high consumption of wine in France. A similar pattern of diet and alcohol consumption has also been found in other south European countries where heart disease rates are also lower compared with other parts of the world.
These observations prompted a long series of research studies analysing the relationship between wine and CHD.
It's still not entirely clear how alcohol reduces your risk of CHD, but it's now known a large proportion of the risk reduction is due to moderate alcohol intake raising 'good' cholesterol concentrations in the blood, so reducing the risk of blood clots.
Red wine, in particular, also contains flavonoids that act as antioxidants, which help to reduce the build up of atherosclerosis (when fat builds up on the inner walls of arteries). Red wine seems to help maintain the flexibility of the blood vessel walls.

Risks of alcohol

Drinking too much alcohol will not only leave you with a hangover the next day, but binge drinking and/or drinking more than the recommended intake on a regular basis can also cause long-term damage to the body's internal organs.
Chronic alcohol use is one of the major causes of liver cirrhosis (irreversible scarring of the liver). This happens because healthy liver cells die and the dead cells are replaced by fibrous tissue.
The liver plays a central role in many essential body functions including the metabolism of carbohydrates, proteins and fats, detoxification and excretion of waste products from the body. Scarred tissue cannot function like healthy tissue so this condition can be life threatening if not treated early enough.
Stomach ulcers and gastrointestinal complications, as well as fertility problems, weight gain, and depletion of certain vitamins and minerals can all be caused by excessive alcohol consumption.
Binge drinking can also increase blood pressure, a risk factor for heart attacks. One study showed binge-drinking patterns in Northern Ireland at the weekends led to higher blood pressure levels, and a higher incidence of heart attacks on Mondays and Tuesdays. Blood pressure levels in French drinkers were constant throughout the week, reflecting their moderate drinking patterns.
A 2007 World Cancer Research Fund report showed alcohol increases the risk of cancers of the mouth, pharynx, larynx, oesophagus, colon (especially in men) and breast.
If you're worried about the negative effects of alcohol, either on yourself or on behalf of someone else, Alcohol Concern offers an excellent service.

Recommended alcohol intake

Moderation is the key. In the UK, the recommendation is no more than two to three units of alcohol a day for women and three to four units for men, with at least two or three alcohol-free days each week.

What's a unit?

One unit is considered to be 8g of alcohol, or equivalent to:
  • half a pint of standard strength (3.5% AVB) beer, cider or lager
  • a pub measure of spirit
  • half a standard glass (175ml) of wine
  • a pub measure of sherry, vermouth or liqueur
It's important to remember units differ according to the:
  • size of your drink - pubs often serve wine in different-sized glasses, and home measures of spirits are often more generous than a pub measure
  • varying alcohol content of different beers, wines and spirits
The size and strength of your drink determines how many units of alcohol you consume.
To calculate how many units you've consumed, establish the strength of the drink (% ABV) and amount of liquid in millilitres (one pint is 568ml; a standard glass of wine is 175ml).
Multiply the amount of drink in millilitres by the percentage ABV, then divide by 1,000.
  • For example, 175ml wine at 13% ABV:
  • 175 X 13/1000 = 2.3 units
To make matters easier, many manufacturers state how many units of alcohol each can or bottle contains.

Nutritional value of alcohol

Each gram of alcohol contains seven calories. If you're watching your waistline, cutting down on alcohol will help to reduce calorie intake. Alcohol can also weaken your willpower, tempting you to eat more than you planned.
The energy provided by an alcoholic drink depends on the percentage of alcohol it contains, but also on the type of drink it is. For example, a creamy liqueur will have more calories than a clear liqueur. As a rough guide:
  • a pint of continental lager is about 215 calories
  • a measure of spirit contains around 55 calories, but this doesn't include calories from the mixer - try to choose low-calorie options
  • a standard glass of dry white wine or red wine is about 115 calories, and sweet wine is about 165 calories
  • a creamy liqueur contains around 163 calories per 50ml serving, while the same amount of sherry or port contains around 60 calories a glass


Accurate Movie Reviews- 3


18. This Pulitzer Prize-worthy review of "Enemy Of The State."

This Pulitzer Prize-worthy review of "Enemy Of The State."

19. These words of wisdom about "Gigli."

These words of wisdom about "Gigli."

20. Comcast's powerfully compelling summary of "Out Of Time."

Comcast's powerfully compelling summary of "Out Of Time."

21. And finally (this is a book review, but whatever) Monty Python's review of "Hitchhiker's Guide To The Galaxy."

And finally (this is a book review, but whatever) Monty Python's review of "Hitchhiker's Guide To The Galaxy."