Wednesday, 29 June 2011

Vying for Top Dog

The government has announced plans to introduce greater competition in the higher education sector, citing prime-time television as a perfect example of how quality dramatically improves when you introduce more competing choices.

Universities could be forced to compete for students, forcing them to offer things teenagers really want, rather than silly qualifications that they hope will be valuable in ten years time.

Universities minister David Willets said, “Do you remember what television was like before Sky, Virgin and Channel 5? That’s right, it was absolutely dreadful.”

“Now think about all the lovely gambling-related game-shows and docu-soaps following vacuous simpletons that we have today – all thanks to the wonders of competition.”

“You can’t count rubbish like Doctor Who, Luther or Sherlock, as they aren’t borne out of competition – the BBC will keep on making drivel like this until we can make them more like Channel 5.”
 

Higher Education competition

Education professionals claim the plans to give the ultimate power in the higher education sector to hormone-ravaged teenagers disliked even by their own blood, is as far from being a ‘wise move’ as it’s possible to get whilst not being illegal.

Former lecturer Simon Davies told us, “If you’re looking to get some building work done, then fine, a bit of competition is great – but I’m not sure the same principle applies when we’re talking about educating the people we will need to pay our pensions.”

“Remember, if we go down the competition route, nothing sells better than sex. Is that really a shock to anyone?”

“And do you know who likes to have sex? Teenagers. Especially teenagers dying to get away from home.”

“Trust me, the first university to offer a ‘you will definitely get laid’ pledge will be challenging Oxbridge for funding within a decade. Mark my words.”


NT

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