Pure Bunkham

A psychologist has come up with a formula for parents struggling to find the perfect toy for their children this Christmas. The so called scientist has also previously come up with calculations for the happiest and most depressing day of the year, and reckons that mathematics can be used to work out the "play value" of potential purchases.

Parents first have to assess the toy against six criteria: its usefulness when playing alone (Pi); playing with others (Po); whether it fosters creativity (Cr); its value promoting social interaction (S); its general utility (U) and finally whether it can be handed down to siblings (H). They must then give the toy a score out of five for each and add them up.

In a separate calculation, they must estimate the amount of time in hours a child will play with the toy regularly (T) and multiply it by how many months it is likely to remain of interest (L). The two figures must then be divided by the square root of the cost (C) and added to the total score from the criteria section. It should look like this:

T x L + Pi + Po + Cr + S + U + H / square root of C

He helpfully points out that "result is also likely be different for different children". How does this guy earn a salary? Who pays this charlatan for his snake oil? One born every minute.