Sunday, 30 November 2008

Georgetown

A bit about where we are- perhaps this will explain why we love it so much:
Established by Francis Light in 1786 as a trading post for the East India Company, Georgetown was one of the three Straits Settlements along with Malacca and Singapore. As the new settlement attracted 10 000 settlers of all creeds and nations, Light proposed that ‘each race has a right to preserve its civil and religious peculiarities.’

Modern-day Georgetown is one of Malaysia’s largest cities with nearly 600 000 inhabitants and is blessed with more than 100 spiritual sites built by consecutive waves of migrants and sojourners. Here, houses of worship representing various world religions are lined up along an axis. The place illustrates a history of peaceful religious co-existence and cultural exchange among the followers of the great faiths of Islam, Buddhism, Hinduism, Christianity as well as the Chinese religion which combines Confucianism, Taoism and Buddhism.


This Little Piggy

Growth rates for toenails can vary much as much as 127% from one week to the next, but the reason behind this phenomenon has not yet been discovered.

George W Bush

“I would like to be a person remembered as a person who, first and foremost, did not sell his soul in order to accommodate the political process.

I came to Washington with a set of values, and I’m leaving with the same set of values. And I darn sure wasn’t going to sacrifice those values.

I’d like to be a president (known) as somebody who liberated 50 million people and helped achieve peace; that focused on individuals rather than process; that rallied people to serve their neighbor.”

This is how Bush wishes to be remembered. Funny that he feels that to declare war is achieving peace...

St Andrew's Day

And a big event in Scotland. To help them celebrate, a bit from TTel on all things haggis:

1. Give it some of that Je ne sais quoi

No lesser person than the head chef of the Savoy responded to Mr Tremlet, with some mouthwatering Gallic refinements to his serving suggestions:

May I be permitted to point out that it is more appropriate and much more satisfactory to make a double cut in the form of a St Andrew's Cross in the skin of the haggis, instead of the single incision that Mr Tremlett advocates? In this way the skin will open like the petals of a flower.
Last year for St Andrew's Night I conceived the idea of serving a pumpkin puree instead, and this innovation was favourably received. On Monday - St Andrew's Night - I propose offering Le Veloute de Marrons Robbie Burns - a light chestnut puree, the flavour of which blends well with that of the haggis, and which, I feel, is even more attractive than the pumpkin, and certainly more so than the potato puree

2. March it round the table, then give it to a foreigner

In June 1914, some French and Belgium journalists on a tour of British health resorts, were treated to a traditional feast by the Lord Provost of Edinburgh:
Two pipers preceded the dish of haggis, and the procession marched slowly round the hall four times. At the conclusion the pipers were handed each a glass of whisky. With this they gave the famous toast, first in Gaelic and then in English, "Here's a health to the glens, the fens, and the fighting men." The visitors were enraptured, and "Vive l'Haggis! " was their verdict

3. Eat something else instead

Wartime shortages hit the 1918 Burns Night dinner in London, guest speaker John Buchan:
There was no haggis, the guests having to be content with an Italian dish, which, however, was played in by the pipers. The haggis had been ordered from Scotland, but owing to the food restrictions there the necessary ingredients were not forthcoming, and the haggis could not be made. "It is one of the misfortunes of having a Welsh Food Controller," said the Chairman. "Had he been of another nationality the haggis might have been saved."

4. Just chuck it on the floor, why not

Downfall of a haggis, November 30, 1935
Disaster befell a haggis last night at the annual dinner of the St. Andrew's Club of London held at Grosvenor House and attended by 500 Scots. The haggis was being carried round the dining hall on a trencher in traditional fashion by two chefs to the strains of Brose and Butter, played by Pipe Major Douglas Taylor, of The King's Own Scottish Borderers, when the chefs, apparently overcome by the enthusiastic reception of the assembled Scots, accidentally tilted the platter and the Chieftain of the Puddin' Race dropped on the floor. It bounced but did not burst.

5. Or see who can throw it furthest

Bad blood across Hadrian's Wall has soured the finals of the third World Haggis Hurling Championships. Officials of the sport's governing body, the World Haggis Hurling Association (WHHA), said last night that it might be forced to declare a Scottish and an English team joint swinners of this year's event after a dispute over a tie-break
Extra time dispute splits haggis hurlers, October 3, 1980

6. Eat it every day ???

Mr Donald Norris, of Portland Place, wrote an indignant letter to say that he'd phoned round six of London's leading hotels to ask if Haggis was on the menu for Burns Night. "The reply was in each case in the negative ... Are the Scotsmen of London really so lacking in patriotic spirit that there is no demand for their special dish on such an occasion?"
The manager of the Caledonian Club wrote back reassuringly:
Not only was the haggis served on Burns Day, but it - with bashed neeps - is on the menu of the Caldonian Club on practically every day from September till May - while neeps are available

7. Slice it up in a bun

Sir, It is time your readers (including, it seems, some Scots who ought to know better) were disabused of the quaint idea that haggis is some kind of Celtic ceremonial dish, like peacocks' tongues, reserved for special celebrations and great occasions.
Despite the impression created abroad by the embarrassing Burns Supper ritual, haggis has always been a daily staple of the Scottish diet, eaten in various forms at any meal and washed down with tea or coffee.
I prefer mine for breakfast, fried with bacon, egg and black pudding; my father liked his, sliced, in a crisp morning roll, after his matitidinal three-finger draught of that other Scottish staple.
Yours faithfully. TOM BAISTOW. The Savile Club, 69 Brook Street, WI

8. Confuse it with white pudding

Sir, Whose leg does Mr Tom Baistow think he's pulling ? Has he ever tried to slice a haggis? (It would be as easy to slice a bran pie or a sandbag.) As for frying it for breakfast, the only charitable conclusion - if the leg-pull explanation is not correct - is that the ignorant man is confounding white pudding with haggis.
Miss Heather Harvey

9. Deep fry it and serve with Coca Cola

Sir, Miss Heather Harvey is being unnecessarily unkind to poor Mr Baistow, who was trying, quite rightly, to put haggis in its proper, proletarian perspective. It is she, not he, who is ignorant.
Haggis, when previously cooked, will "fry up" quite nicely the following morning. It is no more difficult than frying mashed potato to make bubble and squeak. Further, when pressed and allowed to cool it will slice much more readily than the average sandbag.
Your readers may also be interested to learn that, north of the Border, deep fried haggis is on sale in most fish and chip shops. First hand observations lead me to the conclusion that the most common refreshment chosen to accompany this simple savoury is Coca Cola, served chilled and drunk straight from the can.
Chacun a son gout! Yours faithfully, STRUAN COUPAR, Bromley, Kent

10. Match with the blood of the grape

Pamela Vandyke Price, the distinguished wine correspondent of The Times, had a classier suggestion:
I am aware that on its native heath, the haggis may be traditionally accompanied by Scotch. But in my article, suggesting red wines suitable for certain types of modest game and sausage dishes, I was thinking of those readers who may opt for the blood of the grape, perhaps for reasons of economy, or because they are being cautious about drinking spirits for reasons of diet or driving, or simply because they and their guests like wine with their meals.
Being myself a devotee of haggis, black and white puddings, andouillettes, boudins of all colours, multi- patterned salame and wurst of assorted seasonings, plus, of course, the noble banger, I would drink a red wine with these on most occasions. My experience of haggis has not included the very peppery type, as mentioned by one of your correspondents, but in Catalonia, where I have recently consumed numerous regional sausages, including the superb butifarra, the red wines of the Penedes region were quite robust enough to balance the seasonings

11. Cement international relations

Sir. When Vychinsky, the Chief Prosecutor of the USSR, visited the Nuremberg Trials in 1946, I attended the banquet given in his honour by Sir David Maxwell-Fyfe (later Lord Kilmuir). Probably for the first and last time in his life, Vychinsky partook of haggis, liberallv laced with liqueur whisky which had been poured over it, while a Scots Guards piper, specially flown in for the occasion, circled the table playing the bagpipes. It has never occured to me that there is any other way in which haggis is served.
I remain. Sir. Your obedient Servant. L. A. HILL

12. Translate into Greek

Surely the haggis, or something very like it, was known some 3,000 years ago, the gaster [this was originally in Greek text] for which Odysseus fought that poor beggar Iros, of which he afterwards made a meal?
Mr. A. SHEWAN, Scagatc, St. Andrews, Fife
[Classical note from Philip Howard: “Iros was the shameless beggar who hung around the Suitors and challenged Odysseus to a fight. Iros was known as Gaster, the Belly.”]

13. Fight the crows for it

When I was in the Highlands 30 years ago I was told that real haggis could only be made with "braxie" mutton, ie, from a sheep that had died a natural death on the hill. If the shepherd found the corpse before the crows and gulls did one had haggis for dinner, otherwise not. Mr A. MacDermott, Royal Victoria Yacht Club, Ryde

14. Can it and send it abroad

A firm in Munlochy in the Black Isle peninsula, Ross and Cromarty, are producing porridge ready made in packets for immersion in hot water by the consumer. Thus Scots have again displayed their ability to make profit in sophisticated markets from what are traditional and fairly raw materials. Haggis and venison are being canned and sold abroad: ordinary water is being sold to England for making rum and to the United States as the only appropriate dilution for Scotch whisky

15. Stick to Great-Granny’s recipe

Sir, You allowed me not long ago to send You a recipe for dry curry, of which subsequent comments and correspondence showed wide appreciation. In view of the approaching national festival of St Andrew may I now contribute a formula for haggis, not less deserving of consideration.
Take a mutton paunch, wash it, and turn it inside out ...
Serve with old whisky, or (if greatly daring) with Atholl brose, a mixture of equal parts of whisky, cream, and honey. DAVID HUNTER BLAIR, Belmont Abbey, Hereford

16. Eat your enemies - human haggis

The people of Galloway have changed, of course, oven if their hills have not, since the day when certain legionaries gave the horrified St Jerome the recipe for human haggis. They have changed even since the day when Sawny Bean and his band practised the same form of cookery only some 300 years ago

17. Have a haggis eating contest

The daily haggis-eating contest appears to have as few rules as a caucus-race. Competitors race to engorge a tinned haggis with a plastic skin weighing llb 3oz. They do not get an extra prize for enjoying it, which is just as well, to judge from yesterday's horrified grimaces

18. Start a class war

Rabbie Burns, thou shouldst be living at this hour. England hath need of thee - and Scotland too. What other pen could do justice, mocking, ribald and racy, to the ill-laid plans for celebrating Burns Night which BEA are reported to have cooked up. Haggis will be served today to its passengers on Scottish services - but not to all passengers.
The "great chieftain o' the puddin-race" is, in BEA's view, a class-conscious aristocrat. Ushering it into the aircraft with the ceremonial send-off, " Aboon them a' ye tak your place ", air officials will be careful to explain that they use "a'" in a special sense. The place must be the right place.
"The social, friendly, honest man, whate're he be" has not a hope, on his own merits, of getting his teeth into that haggis. He needs to be the holder of a first-class ticket. Passengers below the salt, mere tourist-class freight, are being fobbed off with "gift-wrapped" packs of shortbread

19. Test it for foot and mouth

A haggis sent from Scotland to the Illinois St Andrew's Society, and "condemned" by officials at LaGuardia airport yesterday because it "might spread foot-and-mouth disease" was set free today. First reports yesterday said that the haggis had been burned, but Pan-American Airways later stated that it had been handed over to the authorities. A doctor of the United States Bureau of Animal Industry today pronounced the haggis "fit for consumption" and arrange- ments were made to ship it to Chicago tomorrow in time for the Illinois Scots' celebration of St Andrew's Day on Saturday

20. And the last word ...

... goes to the Head Master of Penrhos College:
Sir, My experience has shown there is really only way to serve haggis - slow, left arm, over the wicket. Sincerely, N. C. Peacock, Penrhos College, Colwyn Bay, Denbighshire

Hhmph

Obviously not then...

Oh well, back to the drawing board. :-(

Test

I'm hoping that I have finally discovered the setting which allows comments to be viewed directly under a post, instead of having to click a link to them.

It doesn't seem to work retrospectively, so I'm going to test a new post and add a comment to see if it works.

Hang on. :o)

Only in Japan




Click to Enlarge


Wastewatch

Here's a top idea from TSunTel, a weekly article highlighting cases of taxpayers' money being wasted. It would be rude not to reproduce it here, wouldn't it? :0)

-1 -

A council is facing a bill of more than £400,000 because it has not yet finished a special walkway to mark the millennium.

The route, which was planned as part of the Portsmouth's celebrations to mark the year 2000, was set to run from Clarence Pier to the city's Historic Dockyard but legal wrangling over land access meant the final section was never built.

Portsmouth City Council was originally given enough money for the scheme by the Millennium Commission and developers, Berkeley Homes.

But because of the delays, rising costs and new health and safety regulations mean the council now has to find extra money, put at more than £400,000, from its own coffers.

If the council does not build the walkway by next June it will have to pay back some of the money it was given, plus interest - which would cost a further £400,000.

Councillor Steve Wemyss, leader of the opposition Conservative group, said: "This is a waste of public money that would not have happened if it had not been for these delays. The whole project is a fiasco."

Council chief executive David Williams is in talks with Berkeley Homes to see if it can extend the construction deadline past June. Liberal Democrat council leader Gerald Vernon-Jackson said: "We have been trying very hard to find the best option."

Portsmouth city revealed its ambitious planned programme of developments to mark the year 2000 as long ago as 1995.

The Millennium Commission - a national body set up to hand out lottery cash to projects - agreed the programme of works, labelled The Renaissance of Portsmouth Harbour. At the centre of it all was set to be the then-named Millennium Tower. Eventually, the re-named The Spinnaker opened in 2005, five years late and at a cost of £38 million.

-2-

Taxpayers in Essex are facing an extra bill of £223,000 after a £2 million upgrade of the local council headquarters went over budget – even though the building is earmarked for demolition.
The improvement project at Basildon Council head office, which began more than a year ago, involves the creation of a new meeting room, a waiting area, interview booths, customer advice desks and facilities to accommodate 250 more council employees.


The building, in St Martin's Square, is due to be knocked down as part of the council's long-term £1 billion transformation of the town centre which is hoped to take place within the next six years.

Councillor Geoff Williams, leader of the Liberal Democrat opposition group said: "It is a waste of money and seems to substantiate our concerns that the project was unnecessary given the council was proposing the remove the building in its own grand redevelopment scheme."

He added: "It makes you wonder what the overspend might be on similar projects."
Phil Turner, conservative ruling group councillor responsible for resources, said the council would save money by ending the lease on other offices as a result of the improvement.


-3-

A London council has revealed it spent £1,548 of public money flying its chief executive to a course on leadership skills in Boston even thought the council leader was also in attendance.
Barnet Council has revealed Leo Boland attended a BT Vital Vision conference – the same course attended by Cllr Mike Freer at a cost of £5,000.


Mr Boland is leaving the council to become chief executive of the Greater London Authority while Cllr Mike Freer is the prospective Conservative parliamentary candidate for Finchley and Golders Green.

The council also disclosed its deputy chief executive spent £454 on one return flight to Edinburgh to negotiate a new lease on the Brent Cross shopping centre and £520 flying to Cannes to attend a property conference. The figures came following a Freedom of Information request from political blog NotTheBarnetTimes.

A council spokesman said: "The Vital Vision programme presents new ideas from world leading lecturers and specialists in business that benefit the council not only at present but in the long term future as well. Barnet council has a cash flow of £1 billion and is a major organisation."
Councillor Barry Rawlings, deputy leader of the opposition Labour group said: "Taxpayers will want to know why it took a Freedom of Information request to find all this out. The council leader justified his attendance by saying the chief executive had approved it, and now we find out the chief executive was also going on the same course. Was it necessary for them both to attend at a time when money is short?"


Let's hope this is a long term series...

Not Useful

On average, the hard drive on a laptop PC will cease to work 24 weeks before the video display will stop working.

We are now on our third laptop since we left the UK in 2006.

More Gruel

Norwich City Council has written to all hairdressing businesses in the city ordering them to get a licence if they want to serve alcoholic drinks, which is customary over the festive period. The letter states that the practice of serving complimentary alcoholic drinks is a breach of the law and requires various licences. It further warns:

"To address this issue enforcement action, including the use of undercover officers, may be undertaken in the near future. The council also declares that anyone found guilty of unlawfully supplying alcohol could face a maximum of six months in gaol, a maximum fine of £20 000 or both."

Pardon me? Six months in chokey just for offering a customer a glass of wine?

A spokesbot guffed:

"We know that with the credit crunch all businesses need to do everything they can to encourage customers through their doors and will be offering various incentives in order to achieve that.

We accept the letter we sent out to hairdressers in the city may not appear to be in keeping with the festive mood and are sorry if it has been misunderstood.

However, we are a licensing authority and there is a serious message here about the enforcement of licensing laws and helping businesses make sure they do not fall foul of the law."

One word: Scrooge.

It's Tough Being Santa in Deutschland

Germany is facing a Santa Claus shortage in the run-up to Christmas, as new recruits fail to meet high Teutonic standards of jollity and expertise. Job agencies, which are currently conducting a desperate last-minute recruitment drive, have reported a distinct lack of jolly, rotund, fluffy-bearded Santas with no criminal records.

Among the tough criteria are a suitably low voice, child-friendliness, good German, not too youthful, and a full repertoire of Christmas poems and songs. For good measure, they must show spontaneity and energy.

However, the German Santas can make up to 60€ (~=>£50) an hour which is certainly worth the aggro.

Full story at TTimes.

Going For Gold

Remember the London victory parade for Britain's Olympic medalists in October? Thousands turned out to celebrate celebrate the British squad's best medal tally for 100 years and a large procession was laid on with parade floats.

Unfortunately for the 12 drivers of the floats, they didn't pay their £8 Congestion Charge and they have all been fined £120 each.

I kid you not...







The Olympic athletes of Team GB won 47 medals including 19 gold, 13 silver and 15 bronzes to come fourth in the medal table and Britain's Paralympic athletes came second in their table with 102 medals - 42 gold, 29 silver and 31 bronzes.

Results

Newcastle draw 0-0 against Middlesbrough (the point takes them to 17th (20) on level points with Spurs who play later today), Southend go into round 3 of the FA Cup after beating Luton 3-1 and Bielefeld lose heavily, 3-0 as predicted against TSG Hoffenheim. :-(

Connection Problems

Sadly our superb hotel has decided to change its internet set up and migrate from an LAN cable connection to wi-fi. This has caused all sorts of problems and why we have been off-line since yesterday afternoon.

At best we are getting patchy service which may continue throughout the week until the changeover is complete and as you can imagine, I'm not best pleased.

I accept they may need to upgrade (although for me it is a backward step) but it is only polite and well mannered to be told about this before such a huge project is implemented, not when you find out by accident when you go to log on.

The management is now well aware of my feelings and will be doing everything they can to ensure we remain connected. I appreciate their efforts and hope they can keep their word.

Saturday, 29 November 2008

Water, Water Everywhere

If all the world's oceans were divided amongst all the people on the planet, each person would get five cubic miles of water.

And Venice Is Still At It

It has already banned topless blurks, picnicking on church steps and feeding the pigeons, but that doesn't seem to satisfy the authorities Hell bent on culturally reforming Venice. They now want to clamp down on “tacky and unsightly” souvenir stalls.

The head of cultural heritage on Venice city council, said that although the stalls were licensed, they often failed to observe rules stating that they must maintain “a proper distance from designated buildings” such as churches. The result added to “urban decay”.

The only decay is the outrageous prices the Gondolas charge to get around the murky canals of the city. Remind me again why this is supposedly the most romantic city in the world?



Venice launched an “urban decorum” drive two years ago, reminding tourists that they must wear shirts, not put their feet in fountains and not eat pinics or fast food in public places. The rules are enforced by police and wardens called “City Angels”. The city Mayor has been seen patrolling St Mark’s Square and berating tourists caught feeding pigeons or throwing food wrappers on the ground.

End of an Era

Monday, 1st December, will see a complete ban on the sale of "magic mushrooms" in Amsterdam.

Sold from traditional "smart shops" (180 establishments in total), there are 189 varieties to sample, but following the death of a 17 year old French girl, who fatally jumped from a window last year while suffering hallucinations*, they will no longer be openly available to tourists.

Amsterdam is also to close 40 cannabis cafés, known as "coffee shops", because they are too close to schools and to shut scores of prostitute shop windows.

Seems like the idea of the Nanny State is spreading. :-(



*Her parents blamed magic mushrooms, although she was also known to have had psychiatric problems.

White Christmas

It may always elude us in some countries, but the dream of a white Christmas never dies. However, if you want to make your dream turn to reality, do something about it.

Following the news (TTimes) that Europe has had its biggest and best snow falls for over a decade, it would be a shame to miss out and so we suggest you get in touch with Helen at Morzine in the French Alps (although she is back in Leigh on Sea in the UK) and book up a skiing holiday that you will thoroughly enjoy.

Check out the details in our "Hall of Fame", contact Hel by email or telephone, mention ktelontour and get a whopping 20% discount. How's that for a deal. Better be quick though, places are going fast.

Nearly Over

Did you know it's been National Curry Week this week? It's still not too late to do your bit and indulge, particularly as it is the weekend and that's always a time for a treat.

The first appearance of curry on a menu was at the Coffee House in Norris Street, Haymarket, London in 1773 and according to The Epicure’s Almanack, the first establishment dedicated to Indian cuisine was the Hindostanee Coffee House at 34 George Street, Portman Square, London in 1809.

From that one restaurant the industry has grown to some 9,500, employing close to 100,000 people and serving 2.5 billion people.

Curry itself has evolved and been influenced by so many cultures that defining it is near impossible, but generally it is regarded as any spiced, sauce-based dish cooked in various southern and southeastern Asian styles.

Here are the ten best curry house in the country, according to TTimes:

Scotland/Northern Ireland

Cinnamon Club, 476 Union Street, Aberdeen AB10 1TS (; www.cinnamon-aberdeen.com). Book a table
The nouvelle Indian menu at the Cinnamon Club combines a number of dishes from all over India and gives them a local flavour. Standouts include haddock kebab or Scottish king scallops spiced up and cooked in the tandoor.
Try the starter hara thika kebab with chicken, lamb and green chillies or the Mango Murgh, chicken served in a thick mango curry Mangalore style.
Average cost: £28 per head
Judges' verdict: "Vibrant and exciting, a good example of Indian cuisine in post-Millennium Britain."

North West

Indian Ocean, 83 Stamford Street East, Ashton-Under-Lyme OL6 6QH (; www.indianoceanonline.co.uk)
Nahim Aslam opened his bright, lively restaurant and lounge in 1993 and it has flourished as a centre for good food ever since. Food spans the Indian sub-continent, including such dishes as spiced sea bass served with spinach, and kidney bean bhaji. Customers can enjoy a recently updated menu.
Signature dish is Raan-e-Khyber – a succulent slow-cooked lamb shank.
Average cost: £16 per head
Judges' verdict: "The exuberance of this restaurant makes it stand out. The management never seems to stop offering customers added value whether in food or entertainment."

North East

Last Days of the Raj, 168 Kells Lane, Gateshead NE9 5HY (; www.thelastdaysoftheraj.co.uk)
Established in 1995, this award-winning restaurant has become renowned for its quality, elegant surroundings and delicious menu which boasts some of the finest traditional and exotic Indian cuisine in the North East. Owner Athair Khan personally selects and trains the staff to deliver top-class cuisine made from fresh ingredients. Find all the usual staples, such as dupiazas, biryani and rogan josh.
For something different try the duck Jalfrezi.
Average cost: £20 per head
Judges' verdict: "A fine example of the more traditional Indian restaurant with a good range of Indian and Bangladeshi dishes."

East Midlands

Mem-Saab, 357-359 Wellingborough Road, Northampton NN1 4EU (; www.mem-saab.com/northampton)
Mem-Saab has drawn considerable attention for its quality and innovation, with a menu that offers more choice than many upmarket alternatives. Roast duck with black pepper sauce and Goan steamed mussels stand alongside an extensive vegetarian selection.
Try the Tiffin Collection, which includes roast beef in pepper sauce.
Average cost: £18 per head
Judges' verdict: "The considerable thought that has gone into the menu is obvious and its reputation for style and service is undeniable."

West Midlands

Lasan, 3-4 Dakota Buildings, James Street, Birmingham B3 1SD (; www.lasan.co.uk). Book a table
Energetic Jabbar Khan opened Lasan in April 2002 and has since stacked up awards and built a reputation for being one of the best Indian restaurants in the country. A contemporary setting for some seriously different food, the menu roams from a seared breast of duck, to cardamom and clove-smoked lamb chops served with masala mash.
Try the Doi Maich – pan-fried black bream cooked in a coriander-flavoured yoghurt curry, with mustard seeds and fresh curry leaves.
Average cost: £22
Judges' verdict: "Khan and his chefs always ensure that Lasan is at the cutting edge of Indian cuisine in Britain."
Book a table at this restaurant

Wales

Bokhara Brasserie, Court Colman Manor, Pen-y-Fai Bridgend CF31 4NG (; www.court-colman-manor.com/restaurant.html)
Bokhara Brasserie, situated in an ornate hotel on six acres of landscaped grounds, is said to be the UK’s only Indo-Med experience with a menu split to represent both cuisines. You can start with tandoori chaat, enjoy Dover sole for your main, and finish with Indian Desi Methai for dessert.
Try the Rara Gosht Punjabi – chunks of lamb with mince and liver with grilled chillies and spices. The Mediterranean menu works its way through shellfish soup, roast best end of lamb with orange and coriander sauce, and char-grilled fillet steak.
Average cost: £16 per head
Judges' verdict: "A rather unique, child-friendly restaurant that certainly adds to the overall UK Indian restaurant scene."

South East

Maliks Tandoori Restaurant, High Street, Cookham, Berkshire SL6 9SF (; www.maliks.co.uk)
The leafy village of Cookham is home to super-chef Heston Blumenthal’s favourite curry place, which takes its inspiration from all over the sub-continent. Tucked away in an old flower-draped cottage, Maliks is a favourite of locals and celebrities alike.
Try the Sikandri lamb, which has spent the previous forty-eight hours marinating, or the Lamb Rezalla, grilled and cooked in tangy lemon sauce with fresh chillies.
Average cost: £21 per head
Judges' verdict: "Malik’s reputation has grown rapidly and is recommended by customers from all over the world for its quality food and service."

South West

Rajpoot, Rajpoot House, 4 Argyle Street, Bath BA2 4BA (; www.rajpoot.com)
Rajpoot is justifiably proud of its accolades, including those from the likes of Brooke Shields (“Yum!”), Lionel Blair (“Great hot stuff”), and Ken Livingstone. Opened by Ahmed Chowdhury in 1980, it was once dubbed “Aladdin’s Cave” and the name has stuck. Set in a series of “caves” below street level, Rajpoot has been hugely popular for years and will soon double its size.
Try the Rajpoot spicy salmon steak, served with Rajpoot style Potatoes, Puloa Rice and salad, or perhaps one of the chef’s selection menus from £16.50.
Judges' verdict: "One of the many restaurants in the industry that has maintained very high standards over a long period of time yet is always prepared to innovate and move forward."

London Central and City

Tamarind, 20 Queen Street, Mayfair, London W1J 5PR (; www.tamarindrestaurant.com). Book a table
One of the most stylish Indian restaurants in Britain occupies the site of the old Tiberio where Frank Sinatra was regularly spotted. Tamarind was among the first Indian restaurants in Britain to gain a Michelin star, and still attracts celebrities, such as Tom Cruise when he is in town.
Try the lobster Karaikudi, or the grilled cakes of chicken minced with ginger, coriander, onion and green chillies, served with smoked red pepper chutney.
Average cost: £35 per head
Judges' verdict: "Tamarind continues to show to what high levels the traditional cuisines of the Indian sub-continent can be taken."
Book a table at this restaurant

London suburbs

Brilliant Restaurant, 72-74 Western Road, Southall, Middlesex UB2 5DZ (; www.brilliantrestaurant.com)
Punjabi cuisine with a Kenyan twist is served at this Southall favourite. Prince Charles popped in almost 30 years ago and was back with the Duchess last year to mark the restaurant’s efforts to source local ingredients. Opened in 1975 by K.K. & D.K. Anand, it is now run by son Shankar Anand and daughter Dipna Anand. The second generation has introduced a healthy menu to run alongside traditional favourites. Even chef Gordon Ramsay visited Brilliant to learn how to use the tandoor.
People have travelled from far and wide for years to enjoy Brilliant’s Butter Chicken but Chef Jas and Dipna have ensured an exciting choice of top class dishes.
Average cost: £19 per head
Judges' verdict: "Brilliant has always been thought of as one of the top traditional Indian restaurants in Britain but the addition of Dipna Anand’s healthy options has given it a whole new dimension."
The judges comments are from Peter Grove, president of the Federation of Specialist Restaurants www.fedrest.com


No doubt they've missed your favourite joint, but it doesn't matter; just grab a spicy scoff and enjoy. We're going to but we have so many places to choose from...

Like Your Grub?

Then you'll like this:

TOP 10 FOOD BLOGS

1) Mexico cooks
Cristina Potter’s knowledge of Mexican food is matched only by her passion for her adopted home. The best starting point for anyone who wants to learn more about the varied cuisine of this extraordinary country.

2) Eating Asia
Robyn Eckhardt knows more about the food of South East Asia than anyone I have ever encountered. Check out a recent post on The Philippines for an example of superb food writing.

3) Silverbrow on food
The quirky journal of a man whose eating is restricted by the Jewish rules of Kashrut, the author still seems to pack away plenty of food and writes about it very well.

4) Grab your fork
All food bloggers should aspire to be as good as Helen Yee. Her wonderful website, mainly about Sydney is a daily read for me even if she is discussing places halfway across the world.

5) Chocolate and zucchini
Clotilde Dusoulier’s online presence remains the ne plus ultra of French food blogs and has been supported by the recent publication of books based on her experiences of shopping, eating and cooking in Paris.

6) Wine anorak
Jamie Goode’s unfussy approach to wine opens a mysterious world up to a whole new audience and his tales of travels in search of the best bottles are amusing and informative.

7) The boy done food
Featuring the exploits of food journalist, William Leigh, this blog could only be improved if he posted more often. When he does, it is well worth reading.

8) Refined palate
There are few people on this earth who can have eaten at as many fine-dining establishments as Liz Haskell and her husband, John. Every bite they take is captured in minute detail on her well-designed blog.

9) Cheese and biscuits
Although a relatively new contender, Chris Pople is slowly developing a distinctive and enjoyable writing style, which makes his blog a fun stopping off point with my morning cup of tea.

10) Eat like a girl
More like “Eat Like a Baby Elephant” as Irish ex-pat Niamh Shields shares delicious recipes on the few occasions she is not dining out.

The Italian Job

Ever wonder how it really ended? Remember the (literally) cliff hanging finish to the film, where Charlie Croker and his gang of criminals are trapped in a coach hanging precariously over the edge of an Alpine ravine. With each move they make towards the rear of the coach to reach their haul of stolen gold, it results in the vehicle inching farther over the abyss. He then says:

“Hang on a minute, lads. I've got a great idea. Er ... ”

And then the credits roll?

Michael Caine, who played CC has revealed the producers of the 1969 movie had filmed the solution, but they decided against using it, to leave audiences with the famous ending and a possible sequel. He said:

“In the coach, I crawl up, switch on the engine and stay there for four hours until all the petrol runs out. The van bounces back up so we can all get out, but then the gold goes over. There are a load of Corsican Mafia at the bottom watching the whole thing with binoculars. They grab the gold, and then the sequel is us chasing it.”

Now you know, and if you've never seen the film, oops!

NEC Nijmegen 0-1 Tottenham

Not "who" but "who cares" as Spurs continue their run in Europe's second rate Eufa Cup with an understrength side that managed to win away from home. This now takes them through to the last 16, knockout stage of the competition and who knows where it may end?

Relegation, probably.

A win against the Toffees tomorrow will certainly help but it's going to be far from an easy job.

Old New Guy At Toon

Joe Kinnear has signed a new contract as manager of Newcastle United until the end of the season, following his interim appointment in September when club owner Mike Ashley was trying to sell the club.

I am not sure if he is the right man for the post. I don't dislike him, far from it, but I am dubious over his credentials and wonder if he has what it takes to lead such a massive club. Then again, I am not a fan of Redknapp and look what he is doing at Spurs.

Maybe I should leave the predictions game well alone?

This however made me laugh. Managing director Derek Llambias said:

"Joe has done an excellent job since coming to the club, and everyone is delighted he has agreed to remain in charge for the rest of the season."

Yes, right...after stepping in for the departed "Wor" Kevin Keegan (200%, man), Kinear has won two games, drawn four and lost two in his eight games in charge. If that is excellent, he'll have a job for life. I rate that as bearly mediocre.

Still, good luck to Kinnear and the Toon team, I wish them well but always hope they will end up under Tottenham. ;-)

Friday, 28 November 2008

Still Tough on Crime

From TTel:

Only one in seven crimes result in a criminal being charged, and the number of criminals being sent to gaol has hit it's lowest level since Labour came to power while the number being given a slap on the wrist with a caution has shot up by more than a quarter.

On the spot fines have also increased, even though only half are paid without further court action, while those being sent to custody fell by one per cent last year. It also emerged just one in five burglars who strike three times are being handed the minimum three year term they are supposed to receive.

A total of 4.95 million crimes were recorded by the police last year but only 673 227 suspects were charged or summonsed to court. It also accounted for just 49% of the 1.37 million offences that were solved during the year.

In total, some 95 206 people were gaoled last year, the lowest figure since 1997 and a sign of the impact of the pressure courts have been under to send fewer people to prison because of the overcrowding crisis. In contrast, 363 000 offenders were handed a caution, a 4% rise on 2006 and a 28% rise on the 282 100 handed out in 2007. Additionally:

- A rise in teenage girl committing crimes with the number sentenced up by 56% since 1997 to hit 14 800 last year.

- A postcode lottery in sentencing with criminals most likely to be gaoled in Northamptonshire and least likely in Northumbria.

- On the spot fines were up 3% year on year to 207 500 but only 52% were paid without the need for court.

- Only 40% of criminals in court with more than 15 previous convictions or cautions are gaoled for their latest offence.

Why am I not surprised?

I Already Spy With My Little Eye...Next Week

CCTV cameras which predict crimes before they have been committed are to be introduced into the UK, with the cameras able to monitor people's movements and then alert the police or security staff to suspicious activity. Officers or security guards can then confront a suspect before a crime is committed.

I kid you not, this is taken from the article in TTel, and it seems to think it is different to current CCTV cameras! What is so new about using a camera to spy on people and then sending in Dibble? (Except of course that the Rozzers have shut up shop and only work during office hours.)

The software "transforms" CCTV cameras from being recorders of crime to taking a proactive role in preventing crime by typically the dividing the images into people, vehicles and background. If someone is seen to loiter in an area for too long, it alerts security guards and the police. The cameras can pick up a car going too fast or people coming together in known drug-dealing areas.

How does this predict crime? It merely alerts security forces to potential crimes, just as it does now.

Utter cobblers with more snake oil merchants peddling their wares on the gullible.

How Can This Be?

More than one in four sex offenders escape with a caution, figures show, including 34 rapists or attempted rapists being effectively handed a telling off last year, which was an increase of 40% on the previous 12 months.

The figures further revealed some 1 966 cautions were handed out for sex offences last year, including the rapes. 809 were for sexual assault on a woman and 299 were for sexual activity with a child under 16 and another 130 were for sexual activity with a child under 13.

Cautions were also handed out to six people who admitted breaking child prostitution or child pornography laws.

A Ministry of Justice spokesbot guffed:

"Although there is a high percentage increase of rape cautions, the number of cases actually remains very small. Only in exceptional circumstances will the police and CPS decide that it is in the best interests of the victim not to prosecute."

Is he (and it is a "he" as it was a spokesman) for real? "the number of cases remains small"? Well that's OK then. Let's hope his wife, mother, sister, girlfriend or any of his female relations never has to endure such a disgusting crime and then see how he feels.

I'll bet just one case will be far too many then.




Cautions are usually given for lesser offences and can only be given out if the offender admits they committed the crime.

Wi-Fi

At any given moment, a standard, home wireless router can put approximately 12 MB of data into the air.

Not in some of places we've stayed at it can't.

The Cost of War

The latest combined estimated bill of £3.7 billion for the war campaigns in Iraq (£1.4 billion) and Afghanistan (£2.3 billion) this year alone, means that the two operations will have cost the British taxpayer £13.2 billion over the past six years.

Money well spent?

A Wee Dram

Alistair Darling, the rabbit-in-the-headlights Chancellor has been forced to backtrack on a key element of his Pre-Budget Report (PBR) after he admitted that the Treasury had miscalculated and got its sums wrong when they raised the duty on spirits by too much.

The proposed duty rise of 8% announced on Monday; part of a package of duty increases designed to offset the cut in VAT from 17.5% to 15%, has now been halved to 4% to leave the cost to the consumer roughly unchanged.

The Scotch whisky industry had pointed out that the 8% rise would have increased the average bottle of whisky by 29 pence, whereas in his Commons speech Darling had said that the duty measures “should keep the overall cost to consumers the same this year”.

But what is going to happen when VAT returns to its normal level in 2010?

Still, if he is prepared to admit he made an error, then that should be applauded and he should encouraged to continue his new found frankness and honesty by coming clean on the rest of his mishandling of Britain's economy.




It is understood that the mistake was made because, although VAT is charged on the price of a product, duty is charged on the alcohol content.

Ha, Hhaarrrrr

Click to Enlarge

Bombay = Mumbai

Comment from The Times:

"Key to policy at The Times on the usage of place names is that they are adjudged to be recognisable to a majority of our readers. After the events that started on Wednesday the name Mumbai has been used extensively in other media to which our core British readership is exposed. It would be foolish to ignore that context. We also have a global online audience to consider.

We will be changing our style from December 1, so that we use Mumbai for the city that we have previously referred to as Bombay. On occasion, it will be appropriate still to use a phrase such as “formerly known as Bombay”. In the meantime we will adopt a formula that talks of “Bombay, also known as Mumbai”.

We will carry on considering place names, case by case, in a pragmatic way. So, in the Indian context, we will continue with Calcutta and Madras unless and until there appears to be an equally strong case for change.

The linguistic heritage of what we will call Mumbai will live on in references to Bombay duck, Bombay gin and, of course, Bollywood."

Cobblers. You should have been calling it Mumbai from the on-set. Why assume your readership is ignorant of the correct name? It shows disrespect to both the readers and the country.

Greenhouses

McBroon’s scheme to build hundreds of new zero-carbon homes and which he championed in his last Pre-Budget Report as Chancellor, has fallen flat on its arse as only 15 qualified in the first year.

The cost of the project? £15 million.

And the reason for the failure according to experts within the building industry is that the Government’s specification for a zero-carbon home is not practical.

Well fancy that? The government not following advice of its experts and blundering on because they know better? Where did we recently ask the same question...



Homes designed for zero net carbon emissions must include some form of power generation to offset the use of electricity, gas and other utilities. This would typically mean a wind turbine or solar panels. However, the UK Green Building Council, which represents the green building industry, says microgeneration is not practical in the majority of cases.

Heads You Win, Tails You Lose

Click to Enlarge

Seriously

I'm a fan of the humble flip-flop and have been wearing nothing else since we landed in Asia. Cheap, light, extra comfy and easy to keep clean (jump in the shower with them and give a scrub) nothing beats them around the sights in 30 + degrees Centigrade.

It seems I am no longer alone in thinking they are ideal footwear, the resort of Torbay has spent £30 000 of taxpayers’ money on flip-flops for women who are too drunk to stagger home in high heels.

The scheme, funded by the Home Office, is due to start next month in time for Christmas office party revellers, who pour out of the resorts’ clubs and bars in the early hours and officers will carry bags of the unisex flip-flops and will hand them to anyone who looks unsteady on their feet.

A couple of bubble heads jumped at the chance to prove to the world how mentally challenged they are by saying:

“It’s a great idea* and I would wear them 100 per cent. My heels hurt me at the end of the night so I tend to take them off. It’s a hell of a lot easier to walk with flip-flops than high heels.”

and

“I go out clubbing at the harbourside most weekends and I usually walk home barefooted because my heels hurt. I think it’s a great idea*.”


So why not pack a pair of slippers in your handbag then, you dim-witted parasites? Stop leaning on other people to help you through life and deal with your own destiny.




*Clearly the sharing of the brain cell leads to re-using of the same platitude.

50 Footies Fans Your Club Doesn't Want?

At least TTimes thinks so:

50. Bernie Ecclestone (Chelsea)

Diminutive Formula One supremo who loved Chelsea so much that he bought Queens Park Rangers with Flavio Briatore and Lakshmi Mittal. “The only way I might get involved in football is if Arsenal is up for sale at a sensible price and I could take total control,” Eccelstone said, before snapping up QPR.

49. Brian McFadden (Coventry City)

Would you want someone who has married Kerry Katona following your team? No, thought not.

48. Morrissey (Millwall)

Maladjusted, miserable former lead singer of The Smiths who has started swanning about Los Angeles in a Millwall top. Viva Hate.

47. Timmy Mallett (Oxford United)

Fair play to him for sticking with Oxford through thick and thin, but that doesn’t excuse the loud shirts, the comedy sunglasses or that bloody mallet. Wins brownie points for stopping West Ham from selling Herbie the Hammer replicas in their club shop. Mallett complained that Herbie looked exactly like Pinky Punky. West Ham said the matter was “trivial”.

46. Jon Anderson (Accrington Stanley)

Owner of a lonely heart who was also the owner of an Accrington Stanley season ticket when he was a boy – promise it’s true, it’s on the internet. Anderson, lead singer with Yes, was a promising football player who nearly made the grade with his hometown club before he devoted himself to a life of high-pitched wailing on seminal prog-rock classics such as The Revealing Science of God (Dance of the Dawn) - a catchy synth-heavy ditty that comes in at just under 23 minutes, or half a half if we're talking football.

45. Kelly Jones (Leeds United)

Pint-sized singer with The Stereophonics who had the dubious pleasure of performing at Wayne Rooney’s wedding. Rooney loves the derivative Welsh rockers so much that he’s tattooed the title of one of their albums – Just Enough Education to Perform - on one of his arms. Classy.

44. Zoe Ball (Manchester United)

“TV personality” who stopped supporting Liverpool and switched to Manchester United when they started winning things. As you do.

43. John McCririck (Newcastle United)

Sexist, Diet-Coke slurping racing pundit and TV personality who supports the Toon even though he was born in Surrey. Redeemed his reputation recently by becoming the first guest to be booed off ITV’s Loose Women.

42. Wayne Rooney (Everton)

Not really a celebrity fan, but he is in OK! every week and he grew up supporting Everton. Also used to love wearing his “Once a blue, always a blue” T-shirt at Goodison Park before he jumped at the chance to join Manchester United at the first possible opportunity.

41. Ricky Hatton (Manchester City)

“When I think of the most important things in my life, there’s my family first, then I’ve got boxing, next comes Manchester City, then it’s Oasis.” No comment.

40. Liam Gallagher (Manchester City)

Mad-for-it Manc who loves Manchester so much that he lives in a plush pad in North London about 200 miles away from his roots, man. Real fan? Definitely maybe.

39. Noel Gallagher (Manchester City)


Mad-for-it Manc who loves Manchester so much that he lives in a plush country pad about 200 miles away from his roots, man. Real fan? Definitely maybe.

38. Mel B (Leeds United)

A match made in heaven.

37. Derek Smalls (Shrewsbury Town and West Ham United)

Legendary bass player with mock rock band Spinal Tap who was wearing a Shrewsbury Town shirt, and packing a massive cucumber, when he was stopped by security guards at Chicago’s O’Hare International Airport during the ill-fated “Tap Into America” tour in 1984. Smalls was a Shrewsbury cult hero until it was revealed that Harry Shearer, the actor who played him, is a West Ham fan. Say it ain’t so, Harry.

36. Gary Rhodes (Manchester United)

Look at me, I can cook. Look at me, I’ve got spiky hair. Look at me, I own lots of restaurants. Look at me, I support Manchester United. Look at me, I use lots of butter and mustard. Go away.

35. Hugh Grant (Fulham)

Posh, handsome, plummy leading man who has been playing the same role in every film he has starred in since 1438. Almost as boring and predictable as Fulham were under Lawrie Sanchez.

34. Status Quo (Tottenham Hotspur)

Shaggy, geriatric rockers who were cool for about five minutes in the Seventies before everyone woke up and smelled the coffee. Whatever you want? Nothing thanks.

33. DJ Spoony (Liverpool)


Wooden by name, wooden by nature. 6-0-6 presenter who should stick to playing records.

32. Pete Doherty (Queens Park Rangers)

Professional layabout whose career went down the pan when he started hanging out with Kate Moss. What a waster.

31. Cerys Matthews (Swansea City and Manchester United)

Big-boned Catatonia singer who shrieked “Deffrwch Cymru cysglyd gwlad y gan, Dwfn yw'r gwendid bychan yw y fflam creulon yw'r cynhaeaf, per yw'r don daw alaw'r alarch unig yn fy mron, Every day when I wake up I thank the Lord I'm Welsh.” Good for you. Next.

30. Ross Kemp (West Ham United)

Ubiquitous former Eastenders hardman who has reinvented himself as a battle-hardened documentary filmmaker. “If Ross Kemp likes camouflage so much, how come I can always see him on my f**king TV?” A round of applause for Steve Coogan.

29. David Mellor (Chelsea)

Former Tory Minister who writes a half-decent weekly football newspaper column and who used to pontificate splendidly when presenting 6-0-6 on BBC Radio Five Live. Doesn’t mean we can forgive him for ruining the country or for dumping Fulham and becoming a Chelsea supporter.

28. Basil Brush (Hull City)

Boom Boom. Is everyone’s favourite anthropomorphic fox really a Hull City fan? Not exactly, but Roy North, the actor who played our furry friend’s sidekick, Mr Roy, most certainly is. Boomtastic.

27. Benito Mussolini (Bologna)

Italian fascist dictator who loved his local club so much that he “helped” them win four Italian league titles between 1925 and 1937. Being bankrolled by the local Fascist administration and the head of the Italian Football Federation did not do their cause any harm either.

26. Tim Lovejoy (Chelsea)

“TV personality” who used to support Watford but now hangs out at Stamford Bridge. Responsible for writing one of the worst books in the history of publishing. “Lovejoy on Football” prompted one reviewer on amazon to write: “As Ally Ross of The Sun pointed out, there are 38 pictures of Lovejoy in this book, eight more than Nelson Mandela used in his autobiography.”

25. Heather Mills (Sunderland)

Say what you like about Mucca, but at least she supports her local side. Accused by The Sun of being a fantasist. Sounds like your average Sunderland fan.

24. David Beckham (LA Lakers)

Goldenballs never used to go to the MEN Arena to watch the Manchester Giants when he was at Manchester United but as soon as he moved to Los Angeles he jumped on the LA Lakers bandwagon and started hanging out with Kobe Bryant - who’s he?

23. Gordon Brown (Raith Rovers)

The PM still finds time to follow Raith Rovers while he's trying to save the world. When he was a boy, the former Chancellor of the Exchequer used to boost Raith’s coffers by selling programmes outside Stark’s Park. It’s a miracle they’re still in business.

22. Jim Bowen (Morecambe and Blackburn Rovers)

Legendary Bullseye presenter and Morecambe's most famous fan. Look who you could have supported.

21. Chris De Burgh (Liverpool)

Annoying warbler who almost single-handedly ruined the Eighties with a love ballad about a lady in a brightly-coloured dress. Don’t go to Anfield early unless you want to hear syrup like this pouring out of the PA system... “The lady in red is dancing with me, cheek to cheek, There's nobody here, it's just you and me, It's where I want to be, But I hardly know this beauty by my side, I'll never forget the way you look tonight.” Pass the sickbag.

20. Sylvester Stallone (Everton)

Got his picture on the front page of almost every single newspaper in England by turning up to Goodison Park for Everton’s 1-1 draw with Reading in the same week that his new Rocky film hit the multiplexes. Coincidence? Maybe, maybe not.

19. Mick Hucknall (Manchester United)

Can a white man sing the blues? Not this one.

18. Alan Green (Macclesfield Town and Linfield)

Irritating BBC radio commentator who is not, repeat is not, repeat has never been, and repeat will never be a Liverpool supporter. “Greeny” says he’s Macclesfield and Linfield through and through and who are we to argue?

17. Amy Winehouse (Aston Villa)

“They tried to make me go to Tottenham, I said no, no, no.” The tabloid’s favourite junkie lives a couple of tube stops away from White Hart Lane and Arsenal but she’s been photographed stumbling around Camden Town with a Villa pendant dangling around her neck. Why Villa? Apparently, her husband Blake Fielder-Civil is a Holte Ender.

16. Elton John (Watford)

He’s loaded and he’s a genuine fan but would you want him supporting your team? Thought not.

15. Delia Smith (Norwich City)


See above.

14. Ant and Dec (Newcastle United)

Professional Geordies who live in West London and make a fortune from presenting some of the worst television programmes in the history of the world. Which one is which? Who cares?

13. Tom Hanks (Aston Villa)

Hollywood actor who supports Villa because he likes their name and because he had a film to flog when he came to London last year. “He was brilliant in Saving Private Ryan,” Martin O’Neill, the Villa manager, said. “It would be a real honour if he came and watched us play.” Don’t hold your breath.

12. Michael Jackson (Exeter City)

Do you wanna be starting something? The King of Pop arrived at St James Park in a blaze of publicity in 2002 to lecture the locals about world peace and harmony. He did it as a favour for Uri Geller, his spoonbending friend and former Exeter chairman. Exeter were relegated out of the Football League the following season. Jackson has not been back since

11. David Cameron (Aston Villa)

The Bullingdon Berk claims that he is a Villa fan because “the first game I ever went to was an Aston Villa game and so I am an Aston Villa fan”. Man of the people Dave forgot to mention that he was taken along by his uncle, Sir William Dugdale, who just happened to be the Villa chairman at the time.

10. Sean Bean (Sheffield United)

Professional Northerner and former Sheffield United director who is always banging on about how much he loves the Blades. Fell out spectacularly with Neil Warnock, the former United manager, last year. “At a board meeting, he made a big show of how he wanted to make an important point,” Warnock said. “We all waited expectantly and then he said that we should get rid of Captain Blade. That was it. That was all he wanted to talk about. The team mascot. The fluffy thing on the touchline. Captain F**king Blade. That was the extent of his contribution.

9. Piers Morgan (Arsenal)

Never misses a chance to tell the world that he loves Arsenal but spoiled it all by claiming in his Sunday newspaper column that “Arsenal have won precisely nothing since 2004. Not even a Carling bloody Cup.” Arsenal won the FA Cup in 2005.

8. Meat Loaf (Hartlepool United)

Mr Loaf has never been to Hartlepool but he was apparently considering moving to Teesside five years ago because he wanted to live near Victoria Park. He’s never been to a game, he likes pies and he’s overweight. Two out of three ‘aint bad.

7. Zeljko “Arkan” Raznatovic (Red Star Belgrade and Obilic)

Serbian paramilitary mass murderer and ethnic cleanser who was indicted by the United Nations on charges of crimes against humanity and acts of genocide before he was assassinated in 2002.

6. Robbie Williams (Port Vale)

The man who ruined the build-up to every single professional football game in the world by recording “Let Me Entertain You”.

5. Osama Bin Laden (Arsenal)

In a cave, somewhere in Pakistan, the most wanted man in the world is kicking his battered transistor radio as news reaches him that Arsenal have lost again. “That bloody infidel Wenger,” he wails. “Death to Israel! Death to America! Death to Tottenham!”

4. Nick Hornby (Arsenal)

Before “Fever Pitch” we could pay at the turnstiles, stand on the terraces and watch a fight. After “Fever Pitch” we have to pay £50, sit next to a solicitor and give Sky £40 a month.

3. Jon Gaunt (Coventry City)

We hate to kick a man when he’s down – “Gaunty” was sacked by TalkSPORT recently – but you probably wouldn’t want to sit next to everyone’s least favourite right-wing shock jock at a game.

2. Russell Brand (West Ham United)

Potty-mouted “comedian” who minces about Upton Park pretending he owns the place. Also writes a pathetic weekly football column in The Guardian and called his autobiography “My Booky Wook”.

1. Adolf Hitler (Schalke 04)

Hitler may have bombed Old Trafford, but he wasn’t a Manchester City fan. The Fuhrer had a soft spot for Schalke, who, funnily enough, were German champions six times between 1933 and 1945. “Winning a match,” Joseph Goebbels, Hitler's propaganda chief, wrote, “is of more importance to the people than the capture of a town in the East.’” He obviously never went to a Norwich-Millwall game.


I'm not sure I agree with all their nominations (being a Spurs and Quo fan, #34 is a winner for me), but on the whole it seems fair and balanced...

Wiff-Waff

The air pressure inside a ping pong ball is twice the typical sea-level pressure, making it more difficult to crush.

The Future of Art?

The University of the Arts London has chosen works from its 12 best post-graduates which include a tower of video cassettes, an installation of abandoned glasses and slowed-down footage of the moon in orbit.

One "artist" described his work, entitled "Sock It To Me"* as:

"to confront abstraction's enduring ties to certain pivotal moments in Modernism"

Excuse me?

What amazes me is the idiots they fool into believing they have any modicum of talent in the first place. Talk about the Emperor's New Clothes. Let's hope the recession kills off this bollocks sharpish.



*And wouldn't you just love to?

It's a-Coming

I was so hoping that Georgetown would resist the urge to introduce Christmas before we hit December proper, but I have to report that bit by bit shops are indeed setting up their festive displays and piping through carols into the venues.

Fortunately it's all a little refined and discreet (still no Slade or Wizard) but it makes me chuckle to see scenes of Christmas trees, snow and other associated (cold) scenes such as snowmen and similar in temperatures that have yet to drop below 30 C.

Our hotel also erected it's tree in the foyer yesterday and it looks rather good. Simple and elegant yet eye-catching, but no way does it feel like Yule walking around in shorts and a T. :0)

Two Wheeled Transport

Once more, bikes are a chosen weapon of the swift commuter in the city, although cars are still in abundance.

We strolled past a second hand bike shop recently and noticed a good 125 cc autospastic can be picked up for around RM 2 700 => ~£490.

I wonder how much to hire one; I'm getting an itchy throttle hand and it's been well over a year since we had the services of the Shonky Shitter in Porto Heli.

Bangkok

It's all getting a bit lively down there, isn't it?

Hopefully things will soon begin to settle down as we will be heading out there early January (2009) to meet up with the in-laws.

Although I doubt our travel plans feature too highly on the demonstrator's agenda...

Latest news from TTel:

Protesters occupying Bangkok's two airports braced for a raid night after Prime Minister Somchai Wongsawat declared a limited state of emergency authorizing police to take back the terminals.

Mr Wongsawat's elected government is struggling for survival amid mounting rumours of a military coup.
The city's second airport, Don Muang, which carries mostly domestic traffic, was closed on Thursday morning after being overrun by anti-government protesters, severing the last air-link between the city of 8 million people and the outside world.
Suvarnabhumi international airport, a major regional hub, has been closed since explosions occurred and protesters overran the control tower on Tuesday.
"It is wrong for protesters to take the entire Thai nation hostage," Mr Somchai told the nation in a televised address, saying security forces would now move in to end the blockades.
Last night 30 medical teams were on standby near Suvarnabhumi in readiness for a possible crackdown on the protesters, who remained defiant. "We will not leave. We will use human shields against the police if they try to disperse us," said Suriyasai Katasila, one of the group's leaders. They refuse to leave until the government resigns.
Meanwhile, rumours that the army would stage a coup mounted to fever pitch during the day after tanks were seen on the move in central Bangkok. The army insisted they had merely been part of a display for cadets.
Around 2000 British holiday makers are now trapped in the Thai capital, according to a British embassy spokesman, and that figure is rising every day.
One of them is Craig Marsh who, with his wife, has visited 15 times in the last 10 years.
"We absolutely love the place but my wife's saying, 'we're not coming back'," the 47-year-old from Kent said. "You feel like you are a captive, and in the hotel there is not a lot of information. We feel like we've had enough, which is a shame."
The seat of Thai government has effectively moved to the northern city of Chiang Mai, the administration's electoral stronghold. Ministers flew to join prime minister Somchai there on Thursday for an emergency cabinet meeting.
In an apparent attempt to forestall a coup the government spokesman, Nattawut Saikuar, left the meeting to issue a public assurance that the powerful army chief Anupong Paochina would not be sacked a day after the general called for the dissolution of parliament.
Mr Nattawut also appealed on national radio for soldiers to remain in their barracks.
Thailand's political crisis pits the electorally popular government, which draws its support mainly from the rural poor, against an elite in Bangkok, the army and the royal palace who fear a threat to their traditional power.
The anti-government protest movement, which calls itself the People's Alliance for Democracy (PAD), has said it would welcome a coup.
Protests by the PAD preceded the last coup, which overthrew the populist government of Thaksin Shinawatra in 2006.
Dr Giles Ungpakorn, a Thai political scientist, pointed out that the army is responsible for security at Suvarnabhumi airport and that Don Muang is located inside an air force base, yet the military did nothing to stop the PAD taking them over.
Gen Anupong has repeatedly insisted his men will not topple the government.
According to Dr Thitinan Pongsudhirak, another political scientist, the chances of a coup in the next few days "receded slightly" following the imposition of a state of emergency.
The state of emergency hands responsibility to other generals, possibly defusing the tension between Prime Minister Somchai and Army Chief Anupong, Dr Thitinan said.
The question remains whether anyone is willing or able to remove the protesters from the airports. "It's untenable to have the airport occupied indefinitely, it's simply untenable," said Dr Thitinan.
Yet when a similar state of emergency was declared to evict the PAD from Government House in September the army refused to act. The official seat of the Thai government is still illegally occupied by the PAD three months later.
The government, elected with a healthy majority less than a year ago, has been made to look powerless while the traditional establishment appears to side with the protesters. Last month the Queen of Thailand appeared to signal her support when she attended the funeral of a PAD member.
Meanwhile government supporters, who wear red shirts to distinguish themselves from the PAD's yellow, say they will clear the airports if the authorities do not. One man died in clashes between opposing protesters near Chiang Mai airport on Wednesday night.
The government's supporters have said they will physically resist a coup, raising fears of a bloodbath if the army does step in.
At least one international flight landed at a military airbase outside Bangkok on Thursday and there are plans to operate a limited service to Singapore and Kuala Lumpur "within 48 hours".
But even if the protests are ended quickly it will take days for normal service to resume and much longer for Thailand's economic and political credibility to recover.

Really Bad News

Once upon a time many years ago, we started fraternising with the "other side"; a group of good natured guys who worked in the car business.

We, as the more enlightened motorcyclist enthusiasts and thus with superior knowledge on all things in life, felt they would benefit from our company and started to try and convince them to step away from the Dark Side and try the more exciting skills of two wheels.

Alas, they steadfastly refused but nevertheless, our rivalry and friendship continued and we always looked forward to our "Friday Night Club" with great enthusiasm and even to this day keep in touch regularly.

We've just heard that they will be facing redundancy any day now and the company is closing its doors before Christmas. :-(

Guys, we really feel for you and hope things work out. This really is an awful time for everyone, but we are certain this will end up being a blessing in disguise and you will emerge from this much stronger than before.

Please keep in touch and we wish you all the very best for the future.

Last Birthday of this Month

Many happy returns this time to my other sister-in-law, Sam, who will be celebrating her birthday today. How uncanny is that, two sisters-in-law and they have a birthday each just a day apart?

As it's a Friday, I'm sure we will be raising a glass to you later. :o)

Thursday, 27 November 2008

This Sums Us Up, EXACTLY!

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Although wifey is usually much more enthusiastic about her advice...

Insults in Japan

Japan may no longer be the land of respect, harmony and politeness for the kids of today as they have discovered a new way to trade insults with each other; via acronyms. For example:

She thinks he's too bloody KY by far, and he's sick to death of being treated like an NTT - and if things get much more MM, he's going to MK5 and she's going to jolly well flounce off to HR.

Which translates to:

She thinks he is KY (kuki yomenai) because he is pathetically clueless when it comes to reading the situation; he is furious because as an NTT (nimotsu tantosha) he has had to lug her bags round the shops like a packhorse. MM (maji mukatsu) means they are both utterly disgusted with each other - MK5 (maji kireru 5 byo mae) suggests that he is going to blow his lid in five seconds, while she is sulkily going to HR (hitori ranchi), or eat on her own.

OK, it may not be much in the way of the West's skill for insulting someone, but in the part of the world where decorum, manners and saving face is all, it's getting a tad serious. Particularly as a company has seized on the new trend as an opportunity to cash in, by creating a set of 46 football style "yellow cards" of the most common new acronyms which can then be waved in the faces of victims.

Some more choice insults:

AB Amai mono wa betsubara - the kind of woman who has a separate stomach for puddings
GM Gyudon no hou ga mashi - even gyudon (very cheap fast food) is better than this muck FK Fande koi - someone who trowels on the make-up
ND Ningen to shite douyo - what the hell kind of person is this?
NTT Nimotsu tantosha - a packhorse for a girlfriend's shopping trips
OBM Okubyoumono - a man too chicken to ask a girl on a date
DD Daredemo daisuki -
the kind of person who falls for anyone
NS Noryoku yori seikaku - someone promoted way beyond his competence
ATM Ahona teishu mo iranai - the idiot man I don't need in my life anymore

Ta to TTimes.

Ever Wondered Where You Stood?

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IQ ranges by professions. What, no "retired" rating? :o)

Cheers






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When just having the odd beer is simply not enough...

Sticks & Stones

A man has been gaoled for breaching the peace by singing Spiderpig from The Simpsons Movie at police officers. He was sentenced to three months for the incident and calling an officer "ginger" in a police van.

Sensitive types, aren't they? :0)

Full story: BBC

Holy Dead Super Hero, Batman. Batman?

Taken from TTel, Batman could be kicking the bucket real soon:

'Batman RIP' will see "the end of Bruce Wayne as Batman", according to Grant Morrison.
There are rumours that Batman will suffer a gruesome end when his sidekick Robin goes over to "the dark side" and destroys him in a terrible betrayal.


Batman, alter ego of Bruce Wayne a wealthy industrialist, operates in the American Gotham City.

Others speculate that Wayne may either retire from his duties or be killed by a mystery villain known as the Black Glove.

His fate will be revealed in the latest issue of DC Comic's Batman, published on 26 November.
Either way, his demise will lead to a hunt for a replacement.


"What I am doing is a fate worse than death, things that no one would expect to happen to these guys at all," Mr Morrison told Comic Book Resources.

Mr Morrison, the Scottish writer, has written storylines for comics including X-Men for Marvel and Superman for DC Comics. He took over writing the Batman series for DC in 2006.

Bruce Wayne has given up the Caped Crusader mantle once before. In the 'Knightfall' storyline, Batman's back was broken by villain Bane, causing Wayne to recruit Jean-Paul Valley to replace him.

Mr Morrison declined to reveal who the new Batman would be, but the frontrunners include Tim Drake who has been Robin since 1991 and Dick Grayson - the original Boy Wonder.

It is not the first time a superhero has met an unfortunate end in the comic world. Last year, Captain America was killed after being shot by a sniper in New York. Superman's death in 1992 at the hands of Doomsday became the biggest selling Superman comic in history. He was later resurrected.

Batman was co-created by artist Bob Kane and writer Bill Finger for DC Comics. The character first appeared in Detective Comics in May 1939.

NNNnnnooooo...

Big Day, Today

As it is my sister-in-law's birthday, so have a great day, Sharon and we will be thinking of you.

As we will of the Doves, Steve and Ira, who also celebrate their wedding anniversary after yet another year on the marital clock. That still rates as one of the best weddings we have been to, even though we had to forsake our annual pilgrimage to the Rochford Beer Festival that year.

Congratulations all round, guys.

Beach Blanket Babylon

Is a rather exotic name for our favourite lunch time "venue with the menu" and as mentioned before, it does the most impressive four course specials, ranging from RM 14 and RM 18 to RM 22, depending on your choice of main.

A stunningly delicious soup, multiple choices for the main course in all three price bands, a simple ice-cream and fresh fruit with a cup of tea or coffee to finish.

The only problem is the cost of drinks. A tin of Coke is RM 7 and a fresh fruit juice is RM 11.50, which if you choose the entry level menu, is just a couple of ringgit more. How does that figure?

Yes, I know it's always been like that in restaurants; everyone loads the wet sales, but so blatantly? Not reasonable at all.

Big Number: 4.6165 Trillion Dollars

But what do they mean? Try this on the current Credit Crisis bailout in America, which is now the largest outlay in US history. It has cost more than the following combined:

• Marshall Plan: Cost: $12.7 billion, Inflation Adjusted Cost: $115.3 billion
• Louisiana Purchase: Cost: $15 million, Inflation Adjusted Cost: $217 billion
• Race to the Moon: Cost: $36.4 billion, Inflation Adjusted Cost: $237 billion
• S&L Crisis: Cost: $153 billion, Inflation Adjusted Cost: $256 billion
• Korean War: Cost: $54 billion, Inflation Adjusted Cost: $454 billion
• The New Deal: Cost: $32 billion (Est), Inflation Adjusted Cost: $500 billion (Est)
• Invasion of Iraq: Cost: $551b, Inflation Adjusted Cost: $597 billion
• Vietnam War: Cost: $111 billion, Inflation Adjusted Cost: $698 billion
• NASA: Cost: $416.7 billion, Inflation Adjusted Cost: $851.2 billion

TOTAL: $3.92 trillion

The only single American event in history that even comes close to matching the cost of the credit crisis is World War II: Original Cost: $288 billion, Inflation Adjusted Cost: $3.6 trillion.

The $4.6165 trillion dollars committed so far is about a trillion dollars ($979 billion dollars) greater than the entire cost of World War II borne by the United States: $3.6 trillion, adjusted for inflation (original cost was $288 billion).

Fries With That?

Over the course of a year an average American eats one sixth of the calories they consume at a McDonald's restaurant.

Thankfully they will choose Diet Coke.

The Woolworth Story

The Woolworths story began in America on 21st June, 1879, in Pennsylvania.

Frank Woolworth opened his first store with the revolutionary idea of setting a fixed price for his goods, either five or 10 cents - not unlike the Poundstretchers and Poundlands of today.
They soon spread across the US and in 1909 he opened the first branch in the UK in Liverpool, after noting that "a good penny and sixpence store, run by a live Yankee, would be a sensation here". Sure enough, 350 stores opened between the wars.

It was the first chain to make its own brand items, so minimising its dependence on suppliers. The template even extended to music, with Embassy Records making cover versions of hits in the 1960s, when the chain was at its peak with more than 1,000 shops across the UK.

Decline began during the 1970s. New owners took over in 1982 and its demise has been mirrored by the ascent of the large supermarkets.

Timeline:

1873: Frank W Woolworth becomes a sales assistant in New York
1879: Opens first store in Pennsylvania
1909: Opens first British general store in Liverpool and more follow across north of England
1970s: Boomtime. Drops the "FW" from its store names
1982: UK business is sold to Paternoster. Now British owned
2001: Becomes a plc

Pilfed from the Beeb again.

Or this article from TTimes:

Woolworths was founded in Pennsylvania in 1879 by Frank Winfield Woolworth, who had hit on the idea of selling goods for a fixed price of either five or ten cents – the original “nickel and dime” concept.

Known as “The Chief” by his staff, Woolworth was something of a perfectionist, famously once making a long journey across the German countryside to track down a particular craftsman for his Christmas tree decorations.

Having swept the United States, Woolworth decided to head across the Atlantic, opening his first store in Liverpool in 1909. The concept was the same – with all goods priced at threepence or sixpence.

Woolworth wrote in his diary: “I believe that a good penny and sixpence store, run by a live Yankee, would be a sensation here.”

He was right. On its first day, there were queues round the block to get into the “3d and 6d” store, with every item on the shelves being bought.

Britons had never before been able to browse in a store and actually handle the goods – they were used to queueing at a counter to be served. Equally popular were the refreshment rooms that provided free cups of tea to shoppers, helping them to get used to the idea of wandering into a shop simply to browse.

More stores quickly followed across the North of England, in Manchester, Leeds and Hull, with the pace of expansion stepped up during the Great War – when few other retailers were active in the property market.

Between the wars, more than 350 stores opened across Britain, and in 1931 Woolies was floated on the London Stock Exchange as a company in its own right. The 6d price limit was lifted in 1942 and Woolworths carried on expanding into the 1970s – when the number of shops in Britain peaked at 1,144. At that point, every high street in every major town or city had a branch of Woolies, its nickname sealed for posterity in the store’s famous “That’s the Wonder of Woolies” advertising jingle.

But then high street competitors raised their game. Shops such as W H Smith and Boots stocked many of the lines sold in Woolies, while retaining their own unique selling points, as did hardware and household goods shops – and even supermarkets.

By 1982, when there were still 980 branches of Woolies across Britain, the US parent company was persuaded to sell its 52 per cent stake and the business was taken over for £320 million by Paternoster – a consortium led by Sir Geoff Mulcahy and backed by Sir Victor Blank’s Charterhouse Bank. The name of the business was changed first to Woolworth Holdings and then, in 1989, to Kingfisher. By then, the company also owned the DIY chain B&Q, Superdrug and Comet.

In 1997, meanwhile, the very last Woolworth store in the US closed – but Woolies staggered on here.

Four years later, Kingfisher broke itself up, demerging Comet and its other electrical retailing operations and selling Superdrug.

Woolies too was floated in its own right, under the chairmanship of the former Railtrack boss Gerald Corbett, but was on a loser from the start. Saddled with too much debt by Kingfisher and too much stock, from the previous management’s poor buying, it suffered a dreadful first Christmas as an independent company.

The supermarkets was gnawing away at its market share, as were online retailers, while attempts to refocus on confectionery, “celebrations”, toys and children’s clothing failed to pay off.
The company still enjoys big market shares in children’s clothes, toys and sweets but, for most analysts, the jewels in the crown are now not the high-street stores but 2entertain – a DVD publishing joint venture with BBC Worldwide – and EUK, a book, music and DVD distributor.
The failure of Woolies, with more than 800 stores, is the very last thing anyone in retail wanted before Christmas. Boarded-up stores are unlikely to entice shoppers to the high street.
And at this time of year, when Woolies has traditionally reigned supreme, its administration seems especially poignant

Woolies & MFI Going Under

A further example of how grim things currently are, two more household names are about to go into administration. Very sad.

More at the BBC.

Weekend's Fixtures

Middlesbrough v Newcastle @ 15:00
Local derby with 'Brough at home? 2-1

Southend v Luton @ 15:00 (FA Cup, round 2)
No matter if Southend win or not this round, they will never win the FA cup, so let them go out now and they can concentrate on the league. 0-1

TSG Hoffenheim v Arminia Bielefeld @ 14:30
Bielefeld to take on the league leaders? They may have beaten number two last week, but no chance today and it's going to be a massacre. 0-3 at best.

Tottenham v Everton @ 15:00 (Sunday)
Always a tricky side Everton and after their loss to Wigan, they will be looking to collect full points. Let's hope not, but I'll still go to a 1-2 defeat to Spurs.

The Option to "Undo"


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If only everything was as easy as "Word"...

Wednesday, 26 November 2008

Tiger Beer

From today's TTel:

An advertisement for Tiger Beer featuring a transexual dancer has been banned after advertising watchdogs decided it linked Far Eastern exports with the sex trade and human trafficking.

They also felt the posters and adverts in two London newspapers, Metro and London Lite, could cause serious of widespread offence.

The advert, which had a small image of a Tiger beer bottle in one corner, showed a transexual wearing black stockings, knickers and bra with an unfastened sheer blouse.

The beer was labelled with a star saying "1st", while the dancer had a star saying "3rd."
A slogan read: "The Far East's most desirable export since 1932."


Eight people complained to the Advertising Standards Authority that the ad was offensive because it linked someone in a sexually-provocative pose with exports. They said it was not appropriate because of reports about human trafficking.

Three people also complained the advert was disrespectful towards Eastern culture as it suggested beer and sex were the region's best exports.

Upholding the complaints, the industry watchdog said: "By presenting the character in sexual clothing and a provocative pose, alongside the implication that she was rated the Far East's third most desirable export, the ad appeared to link exports with the sex trade and, potentially, human trafficking.

"We also considered the ad suggested beer and sex were two of the best exports of the Far East -- which was disrespectful to Eastern culture." It said the advert should not appear in the same form again.

Tiger Beer UK Ltd said they had not meant to condone lewd behaviour, human trafficking or the sex trade.

The campaign had meant to show the beer's Far Eastern heritage by placing it next to "other recognised Far Eastern exports including ladyboys, tuk-tuks, chopsticks and acupuncture."
The firm said the transexual in the ad was a cabaret performer rather than a prostitute or model and, throughout the campaign, transexuals had been celebrated and treated with the utmost respect.


Big fuss over nothing. Tiger beer rocks. :0)

Minus Cals

Currently both Coca-Cola and Pepsi are in a recipe race to develop the first diet beverage that actually burns calories.

Public relations representatives from Coke are already working on the packaging with the working title "Negative Coke".

If it turns out anything like Coke Zero, I'll be first in the queue...

Here's a Thought

What with the drop in VAT, how will this effect catalogues that have already been printed?

Most, if not all, show prices including VAT and they will now be incorrect- will this necessitate a reprint, and if it does, surely this extra cost will be passed onto the customer somehow.

The 36th International Emmy Awards

Britain did rather well, winning 7 out of 10 International Emmys:

Arts Programming: Strictly Bolshoi (UK)
Best Performance by an Actor: David Suchet in Maxwell (UK)
Best Performance by an Actress: Lucy Cohu in Forgiven (UK)
Children and Young People: Shaun the Sheep (UK)
Comedy: The I.T. Crowd (UK)
Documentary: The Beckoning Silence (UK)
Drama Series: Life on Mars (UK)
Non-Scripted Entertainment: The Big Donor Show (Netherlands)
Soap Opera: Al-Igtiyah (Jordan)
TV Movie or Mini-Series: Televisión por la identidad (Argentina)

CoP Out

The Government has been threatening this for ages, but British pubs and clubs will face strict orders to tackle Britain’s booze culture when bans on happy hours and discount drinks are announced next week. Just in time for the Christmas month...

A report by the Department of Health in the summer said that ten million adults in England regularly drank more than the recommended limits set by the Government and that the cost to the NHS of alcohol misuse was more than £2.7 billion a year. It said that alcohol misuse cost £25 billion a year in policing and lost work, and that each year there were 811 000 alcohol-related admissions to hospital.

The new Code of Practice (see below) is intended to address this concern and its rules will be enforced by local government trading standards officers and the police. They will have the power to place conditions on the issuing of licences and to remove licences where premises breach the code.


Code of Practice


— Happy hours, drinking games and free drinks for women to be banned in pubs and clubs


— Cigarette-style medical advice on adverts for beer, wine and spirits


— Cans, bottles of beer and wine to carry medical advice on drinking


— Pubs and bars to offer large and small glasses for wines Code of practice expected to be mandatory


— Local councils and police will enforce rules – allowing them to impose restrictions on licences and remove licences for breaches of code

However, the announcement will not deal with supermarkets that sell beer and wine at reduced prices. Erm, how is that dealing with the problem then?

Pounding the Pavement

The average tennis shoe will travel 521 miles in its lifetime.

None of them on a tennis court I should imagine.

Told You

From the London Standard:

A no-frills airline is launching a recession-busting £99 fare today from London to Kuala Lumpur.
It will be the first long-haul scheduled budget service from the British capital since Sir Freddie Laker's Skytrain to New York in the Seventies.


AirAsia X, backed by Virgin boss Sir Richard Branson, starts taking bookings this afternoon for the five-times-a-week direct flight from Stansted to the Malaysian capital. It could slash the cost of flying to popular destinations such as Hong Kong and Australia.

Parent company AirAsia Group chief executive Tony Fernandes said about 30 to 40 per cent of the seats on the flights will cost £99 one way, and the rest in a range up to a maximum of £250. The average fare is expected to be about £150.

AirAsia is known as the Ryanair of the East and has been operating no-frills services in the region for the past seven years. But the London route will be its first foray into Europe.
It had always been thought passengers would not tolerate the "discomfort" of no-frills for more than three hours.


But Mr Fernandes said the airline's eight-hour service from Malaysia to Australia had already proved hugely popular, with planes flying 90 per cent full on average.

Passengers will have to pay about £3 to £4 extra for meals and £5 for an entertainment system on the 12.5 hour flight. There is also an option to pay for a bed, for an extra charge starting from £150 each way.

When the route starts next March passengers will be able to fly from Kuala Lumpur to about 100 other destinations in the Far East served by AirAsia's network.

The airline will use four-engined Airbus 340-300 jets with 340 seats. The first plane will be called "The Spirit of Sir Freddie" because of Mr Fernandes's admiration for the no-frills pioneer.
Typical return connections from Kuala Lumpur to Bali start from £40, and from the same hub to Bangkok from £50. Buying the cheapest fares cuts the cost of a return from London to Australia to between £330 and £350, around half the best price now on the market.


Mr Fernandes said he hoped to increase the service to one flight a day when a second Airbus is delivered and eventually to five flights a day: "I see this as a shuttle service to Asia. Everything is doom and gloom, everyone is cutting back but people need a holiday more than ever.

"Somebody in London will now be able to see things like the jungles of Borneo, that they have never before been able to see outside the pages of National Geographic."

AirAsia X chief executive officer Azran Osman-Rani added: "The London route will allow those who have always wanted to travel between Europe and south-east Asia to [fly] at an affordable price. We are looking to expand from five flights per week to a daily service in the near future."
Mr Fernandes said the flights would bring in lots of tourists from south-east Asia, "who have only seen Big Ben or their favourite Premiership club on TV", and that Stansted had been chosen as it was Europe's "premier" no-frills hub.


Anyone fancy a visit? :o)

Who Cares What the Evidence Shows

A letter signed by former chief scientists Sir David King and Lord May, as well as medical research chiefs Professor Colin Blakemore and Sir Gabriel Horn, has demanded ministers rethink the proposal to reclassify cannabis as a more dangerous substance, due to be voted on by peers shortly.

Home Secretary Jacqui Smith wants to move cannabis from class C to class B, where it will sit alongside amphetamines and barbiturates, but the experts say she is ignoring repeated recommendations from her own drug advisers that it should not be upgraded. The scientists write:

"In recommending this change to parliament the Government has rejected the explicit advice of its appointed experts, the advisory council on the misuse of drugs, for the first time in its history."

Doesn't that say it all?

Professional, expert advice from her own team of scientists and she insists she knows better? On what grounds, I wonder? What scientific experience does she actually possess?

Once more a shining example of this current Government's attitude to ignore what common sense and evidence dictates in pursuit of their own misguided need to nanny the country.

Democracy? My arse.

Sick Note Culture

Last year 172 million working days were lost to sickness absence in the UK, at a cost of more than £100 billion.

This is now due to change however, as doctors will instead be ordered to issue "fit notes" listing which tasks patients can perform, instead of the standard "too ill to do any work." The Health Secretary said:

"The sick note has remained virtually unchanged since the NHS was created. It just says you can't work, and has no flexibility whatsoever. We want to make it an electronic fit note to bring it bang up to date."

Sounds like a good plan to me.

Bonus

Our Vaio computer is constantly revealing something new to us; yesterday we discovered that we had the latest version Adobe Photoshop, which we have never had before.

Of course we have heard of it but we have never used it but I understand there is a button that allows me to go into "even more handsome" mode. All I now need to do is find it.

Last Night's Entertainment

Back to the Red Night Market a stone's throw away from the hotel (and quite handy as we had the mother of all storms yesterday) and we enjoyed some simple local cuisine of stir fried rice and a few beers.

It appears Tuesdays are dance night for the local dance troupe/club and they entertained the masses by whirling around the stage accompanied by a live band (of sorts). Excellent fun, particularly the "free for all" where they invited the public to join them for some line dancing.

To the delight of his table, a Japanese tourist decided to take them up on their offer and proceeded to wow the crowd with his fluid moves, putting most of the regulars to shame. Quality night out but a bit of a fuzzy head due to perhaps a dirty glass...

In For A Penny

We really are enjoying the Bayview Hotel so much that we have extended our stay right up to the end of our 90 day visitation rights, making it a nice round 50 days in total.

Our last day will therefore be 9th January 2009, when we hope to link up with Sharon & Dave in Thailand, probably Phuket or a similar idyllic beach.

Bond Re-Run

Yes, there are holes in the plot and inconsistencies, but we saw "Quantum of Solace" again yesterday and felt it was even better the second time around. This time we could just sit back and admire the rather brutal and gritty punch ups, the quite superb acting skills of all the cast and some breath-taking scenery.

We've said it before, but do yourselves a favour and go and see it; ktelontour highly recommended.

Rather Good News

Yesterday we spoke to m-i-l and although she's not too happy about being back home in the freezing cold, she sounded relaxed and is getting over her jet-lag. The good news is that the rest of the family looks like they may be heading over to Thailand for the beginning of the year and so we can have another re-union with our brother and sister in law.

Already looking forward to it, and we'll call on the weekend to discuss dates and plans. :o)

New Look For Nationwide

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I was aware they were planning a fresh, new look, but not sure when. Looks like it's today although I am unable to log on as they are doing some maintenance work until 04:00 (GMT). Here it's 09:00 and the start of the day.

Guess I'll just have to hold fire on manipulating our millions then...

Tuesday, 25 November 2008

Christmas Too Early? Not For Some

Pinched from TTel:

:: A guy who calls himself Mr Christmas, claims to have eaten Christmas lunch every day of the year since July 14, 1994. The electrician from Wiltshire has mince pies and sherry for breakfast before eating a full turkey lunch while watching a video of the Queen's Speech. He has now said he is scaling back his celebrations because of the credit crunch.

:: The "Christmas World" department at Harrods opens for business in August. To launch the unseasonal attraction this summer, a Father Christmas wearing a red and white bathing suit sat in a deckchair outside the Knightsbridge store next to a reindeer and sledge scene made of sand.

:: Festive decorations have been on display in the town of Coleford, Glocs, since mid-October - 73 days before Christmas Day. Volunteers put up the lights, snowmen and angels, and say it takes them a long time to carry out safety checks.

:: Marks & Spencer put mince pies on the shelves that had a best before date of November 17. The store said it sells the traditional Christmas fare long in advance because customers "enjoy eating them in the autumn and the build-up to the festive season".

:: The Templestowe Hotel in Torquay offers Turkey and Tinsel holidays from October to February every year, including a four-night break that comprises a pretend Christmas Eve, Christmas Day, Boxing Day and New Year's Eve, ending with a rendition of Auld Lang Syne.

This is all wrong...

:-(

It's Not Often

That I am in agreement with the God Squad, but that Archbishop of Canterbury fellow, Dr Rowan Williams, is bang on when he claims that Christmas comes too soon nowadays.

He said many people are unwilling to wait for Christmas Day to enjoy themselves because of the culture of instant gratification, and so spend the whole of December shopping and eating chocolates from their Advent Calendars.

He pointed out that Advent is a separate, significant part of the Christian year but complained that this message is often drowned out by the shopping frenzy and by carols that are piped through stores.

But it's not entirely the people's fault, more the shops who insist on starting their Christmas "run" as early as September. They are the ones truly at fault and there should be a ban on anyone putting up displays, piping Christmas songs through stores and advertising Yule until the start of December- at the very earliest.


We've got it sussed though, do you know we haven't heard one rendition of Slade at all so far? :0)

No, Really?

Latest figures are showing that students who opt for "soft" degrees only work between 24-26 hours per week. Media studies, publishing and journalism spend 24 hours a week in lectures, tutorials and private study and sociology, social policy and anthropology work for just 26 hours.

Compared to proper qualifications such as medicine and architecture, where pupils will knuckle down to a hefty 33 hours every week.

Well I never- next thing is they'll be claiming exams are getting easier...

Local News

This has been all over the headlines here, taken from TTel:

Malaysia's top Islamic body has banned Muslims from practicing yoga, claiming elements of Hinduism in the ancient Indian exercise could corrupt them.

The National Fatwa Council's chairman, Abdul Shukor Husin, said many Muslims fail to understand that yoga's ultimate aim is to be one with a god of a different religion - an explanation disputed by many practitioners who say yoga need not have a religious element.
"We are of the view that yoga, which originates from Hinduism, combines physical exercise, religious elements, chanting and worshipping for the purpose of achieving inner peace and ultimately to be one with god," Abdul Shukor said.


The edict reflects the growing influence of conservative Islam in Malaysia, a multi-ethnic country of 27 million people.

Recently, the council banned tomboys and lesbian relationships.

Decisions by Malaysia's Fatwa Council are not legally binding on the country's Muslims, unless they also become enshrined in national or sharia laws. But many Muslims abide by the edicts out of deference.

There are no figures for how many Muslims practice yoga in Malaysia, but many yoga classes have Muslims attending.

Yoga drew the attention of the Fatwa Council last month when an Islamic scholar said that it was un-Islamic.

A top yoga practitioner in India, Mani Chaitanya, said the Malaysian clerics seem to have "misunderstood the whole thing." Chanting during yoga is to calm the mind and "elevate our consciousness," said Chaitanya, the director of the Sivananda Ashram in New Delhi.

"It is not worship. It's not religious at all. Yoga is universal. All religions can practice yoga. You can practice yoga and still be a good Christian or a good Muslim," he said.

Great Deal For Drivers

With the much trumpeted VAT drop of 2.5% to 15%, you'd think the motorist would be happy. Nope.

There will be a 2p per litre rise in the cost of petrol from 1st December (next week) and fuel duty will then rise again by 2p a litre in April next year and once more in April 2010.

Global Warming (& Heating)

2002 was the first year ever, in which the global records for both the hottest and coldest temperatures were both broken in the same year.

In Plain Speak

But what does it mean to you? According to TTimes, millions of middle and higher earners will be hundreds of pounds a year worse off because of surprise changes to tax and national insurance.

Anyone earning more than £40 000 will pay more from 2011 because of a 0.5% increase to national insurance and those earning £150 000 or more – about 350,000 people - also face a new top rate of income tax of 45%.

A year before that, those with incomes of £100 000 or more will see a cut in the value of their personal allowance – the amount they earn before tax.

It was also revealed that tens of thousands more people could be dragged into the higher-rate tax band from 2011. That is when the Chancellor plans to freeze the higher-rate threshold above which people pay 40%, a move that accountants described as a classic “stealth tax”. The threshold usually rises in line with inflation each year.

Pre-Budget Report 2008

I've just taken out the bullet points, but go to TTimes for the full article, including their respones/comments:

Taxes
  • Basic rate tax benefit will increase from £120 to £145 a year on a permanent basis.
  • People earning over £150 000, which is equal to around 1 per cent of the UK population, will see their tax rate increase from 40 per cent to 45 per cent from April 2010.
  • National insurance contributions will rise by 0.5 per cent by April 2011 but earners under £20 000 will not pay additional costs. Chancellor expects incomes to be growing at 4 per cent by 2011.
  • VAT will be cut from 17.5 per cent to 15 per cent from next Monday until the end of next year - a 13-month reduction in total - after which it will return to the original rate. Darling states that he expects retailers to pass this on to consumers. Cutting the VAT rate cost the Government £12.5 billion.
  • VAT will return to its normal level by 2010 "by which time we expect recovery to be under way", said Alistair Darling.
    However, duty on alcohol, tobacco and petrol will be raised to off-set the reduction of VAT on these goods.
  • Personal tax allowance to be scrapped for people earning over £140,000. For Britons earning between £100, 000 and £140,000, their personal tax allowance will be reduced to the same as a basic rate taxpayer.
  • Ceiling on people with a pension of up to £1.8 million will remain in place up to and including 2015 and 2016.

Housing and Mortgages

  • Major lenders have agreed today to give struggling homeowners a three-month "grace-period" before starting repossession proceedings.
  • Banks have agreed to explore a range of options, including accepting a minimum mortgage payment from a homeowner. The Mortgage Interest Scheme, which helps homeowners who have lost their jobs, will increase the ceiling from £100 000 to £200 000.
  • The interest rate covered by the scheme will remain at 6 per cent, despite a fall in the base rate to 3%.
  • Government will provide an extra £15 million for free debt advice.
    The Government's mortgage rescue scheme will now be extended to those with a second mortgage.
  • A total £775 million will be brought forward to invest in new housing and modernisation schemes. A panel to be set up to monitor lending levels to businesses and households.

Pensioners

  • Weekly pension will increase from £90.70 to £95.25. Pensioners on modest incomes will get increase in pension credits from £124 to £130 and for couples, this will rise from £189 to £198.
  • Pensioners will gain an extra £60 to go towards energy bills from January next year, on top of a £10 Christmas energy bill bonus. This will reach £120 for retired couples.

Redundancy and Retraining

  • Government will pay 50p for each £1 saved for nearly 8 million low-income savers.
  • Tesco, Centrica and Royal Mail are among 20 businesses which will work to fill 500 000 job vacancies, working with Job Centre Plus to help train people. A total £1.3 billion in funding will help train people and get them back to work.

Energy and the Environment

  • Government will force energy companies to cut gas and electricity bills to mirror wholesale prices. If companies do not comply, Labour may introduce statutory powers to cut energy bills.
  • Mr Darling announced that £100 million will be brought forward to help people to insulate their homes.
  • Air passenger duty will be changed to a four band system, so people who travel more will pay more tax. UK on track to exceed emission reduction targets.
  • New tax bands will be introduced on the excise duty on cars but will be phased in. Duty rate on all cars will rise by £5 next year.
  • From 2010, different levels will be introduced. More polluting cars will see duty rise from £30 against an expected £90 increase.

The Economy

  • Entire fiscal stimulus package will reach a cost of £20 billion between this year and 2010 - equal to 1 per cent of GDP. The full cost of the Pre-Budget Report was estimated to reach between £15 billion and £20 billion so Mr Darling's estimation is at the top end of the scale.
  • Borrowing is expected to reach £78 billion next year and rise to £118 billion, which is equal to 8 per cent of GDP.
  • It is expected to fall back to £87 billion, to £70 billion then to £54 billion before returning to a policy of borrowing only to invest by 2015-2016.
  • UK net debt as a share of GDP will hit 41 per cent this year, rising to 48 per cent in 2009. The figure will then increase to 53 per cent and 57 per cent.
  • UK GDP growth is expected to reach 0.75 per cent this year. However, following two quarters of negative growth, next year's GDP will fall between - 0.75 and - 1.25 per cent.
  • Inflation is expected to fall sharply to 0.5 per cent by the end of 2009.
  • GDP will begin to recover in the second half of 2009 and the country will return to growth of between 1.5 per cent and 2 per cent in 2010.
  • Inflation is expected to keep falling and the 2 per cent cut in interest rates since October will cut the average homeowner's mortgage cost by £100.

Public Spending

  • Government will bring forward £3 billion of funding from 2010-2011 to this year, to help with roads, to modernise schools and to help energy efficiency measures.
  • Additional savings of £5 billion are expected to be made by 2010-11, but the Government will increase public spending by an average 1.2 per cent a year. Spending will rise from £584 billion to £682 billion next year.


Vital Organs

The human heart is a collection of 11 independent muscles.

The Ladybird Book of Plod


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If you want to continue the story, and it's well worth it, check out: Dibble ;o)

Kinnear to Stay On

At least until Christmas, after Newcastle extended his contract by another month. Got to say, it can't be much fun having to keep re-applying for your job month by month but I suppose it's better than nothing.

I wonder if he'll be able to choose whom he wants in the January transfer market? Apparently he has handed a list of players he wants to buy to executive-director Dennis Wise, ahead of the transfer period, but it seems a bit short-sighted if he's not going to be around the club in the New Year.

Old Fashioned Techniques

If the energy used to wind wristwatches worldwide could be harnessed, it could power a city the size of Cincinnati, Ohio.

But who winds their watches anymore?

But Not Quite

We did say close to perfection as there are two minor snags. The first is the fridge, which runs very loudly so all we do now is just switch it off overnight and that solves the problem.

The second is the choice of TV channels, which is limited. The usual local offerings (and admittedly there are a fair number of English speaking programmes to choose from) plus only ESPN (great for me as they show a lot of Premiership football; not so good for wifey), BBC World (good for the headlines and about 15 minutes of viewing; then it gets repeatedly looped. Yawn...) but there is a bonus, Vision Four.

This is a new one for us and consists of two channels that show sets of programmes (documentaries, films, light entertainment) at quarterly times over a 24 period. It's not bad at all, but we would have preferred a fuller range of Astro channels and can't understand why a hotel that has all the bells and whistles as the Bayview has, should not push the boat out and upgrade to a couple of movie channels?

A great pity as we use the TV as a cheap form of entertainment most days.

Close to Perfection

Is what we are experiencing in our new home after now staying here for a few nights.

The staff are super (as they have been throughout Malaysia) but in particular the front desk/reception area, where they are not only charming and polite but actually deal with your queries and get things done. Housekeeping leave you alone of you hang the "Do Not Disturb" sign on the door but will make up your room if you wish and Maintenance are swift to rectify any problem you may encounter- we blew a fuse yesterday but it was all cleared up very quickly.

The room, as you will see from the photos is bloody brilliant; it's massive, has an outstanding bathroom, the bed is comfy (it even has feather pillows, the only thing to sleep on) and the internet connection/desk set up is the best we have had to date.

Then there is Georgetown itself. Lively, busy, plenty of places of interest, lots to keep you occupied, good shopping, loads of dining options; the list is endless.

So we are going to extend our stay here until our "visa" expires and we will be returning sooner rather than later.

Happy Birthday

To my uncle, Wolgang in Bielefeld. Hope you have a super day and we will try to call you later on in the day when you will be awake. :0)

Monday, 24 November 2008

New Talk/Video Option

This is handy if you're a fan of Google Mail, it's Google Talk which allows you to chat in a similar way to Skype to anyone with a similar Gmail account.

Not only does it allow you to talk to anyone, anywhere, it will also offer you the opportunity to video conference if you have a web cam.

Check it out and download here: Google Talk.

Long Time No See

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For those of you wondering where wifey's been hiding, here she is with her longer hair and new glasses.

Grim

Irish house buyers who are trying to pull out of purchases because of falling property values are being taken to court by builders and developers.

Construction companies say they have been "forced" into legal action to secure sales that were agreed when the properties were valued at up to €100 000 more than they are now and in the last month the Hanly Group, one of the country’s biggest developers, has lodged 20 High Court cases against home buyers who signed contracts and paid deposits for properties but now want to walk away.

And it's not just in Ireland, here's something a little closer to home from yesterday:

A senior financier has lost a deposit of £500 000 after having to walk away from a deal to buy a £3.25m north London property because of the credit crunch.

He had exchanged contracts earlier this year to secure the house, but could not complete the purchase after he and his wife failed to receive expected pay bonuses. They also saw the value of their stock options fall by 70%.

In a separate deal in Chelsea, west London, a buyer is said to have forfeited a £1m deposit when he failed to complete the acquisition of a £12.75m, seven-bedroom home.

“Six months ago this would have been unheard of,” said Richard Gutteridge, partner at the agent Knight Frank, which specialises in prime properties in London.

“With the market downturn, deals have fallen through more and more. If someone’s lost their job, or their situation has changed, people have to take a bitter decision on whether they should go ahead with the process.”

The banker who has forfeited £500,000 is a managing director of a City investment firm. He said this weekend: “There is no way I can complete the transaction. I did not realise the market would collapse when I made the exchange.”

His wife worked at the same bank but has lost her job, and the couple, who declined to be named, face being sued for the cost of re-marketing the house.

Pulling out of completion after exchange is a breach of contract. If the seller loses money because the property value falls before another buyer can be found, they may be able to sue the original buyer.

The banker’s lawyer, Simon Thomas, a senior partner at Thomas Legal Group, said: “They are resigned to losing the £500,000 but the seller wants to pursue them for every penny they’re got.

“If it gets to court, the buyer hasn’t got a particularly strong case.”

Martin Bikhit, director of Kay & Co, the central London property agent, was not surprised. “Given the state of the market, this is increasingly likely to happen, so we now advise clients to ask for a higher deposit,” he said.

Figures released last week from the Ministry of Justice and Council of Mortgage Lenders showed a sharp rise in home buyers struggling to repay loans.

According to the ministry, lenders issued 29,516 possession orders in the third quarter of this year – an increase of 24% over the same period last year. Arrears among buy-to-let borrowers are also rising.

From TTimes.






House prices have dropped by 14% nationally since their peak in February 2007, according to the latest Permanent TSB/ESRI index.

Being a Bond Baddie


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Seeing as we're off to re-see the film tomorrow, why not play around with this bit of kit to see how you look as a Bond villain? Above is my effort and that would scare me, let alone 007. :-D

Free TV

Remember Michael Martin, the free-loading Speaker of the House of Commons? It seems he really likes his perks and will claim for just about anything:

Between 2006 and 2008 he spent £25 772.61 on official "entertaining" and in 2007 alone, he spent an embarrassing£15 986.86 on "UK travel and subsistence". In both 2006 and 2007, there were £900 plus on "television subscriptions". Sky + anyone?

Speaker's Expenses (link to PDF File)

Our New Vaio

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Cor!

:0)

Return of 007

For two reasons, we are going back to see Quantum of Solace, the new Bond film.

(1) It is an utterly brilliant film that warrants watching it at least another time to pick up on the bits we missed first time around.

(2) It is laughably cheap to see. Two tickets cost us RM 12 => £2 and we could have got it even cheaper if we'd gone before midday.

Sick Hospitals

Nine out of ten NHS hospitals in England are still not fully compliant with hygiene standards that came into effect more than two years ago.

Despite political pressure to cut the number of infections due to MRSA and Clostridium difficile, some trusts still fail to keep wards consistently clean, or isolate sick patients to prevent infections spreading, the Healthcare Commission said.

And does the Government do about it? Bugger all except allow them to charge patients to park.

Why is this acceptable?



The Healthcare Commission carried out unannounced inspections at 51 acute NHS trusts in England, representing about 30% of all hospitals. Only five trusts met all requirements of the hygiene code. While only 3% of lapses represented an immediate risk, the commission said that almost all trusts had more work to do.

Free Gift


Out shopping yesterday and for some reason we were given a freebie calendar (and we hardly spent anything in the shop) but it will come in most useful for next year.

What did make me chuckle though is inside the front cover there is a set of stickers to mark out special days throughout the year, but they only provided enough for 18 days holiday.


We need 365...

Upgrade

As we have an all new shiny 'pooter we've also upgraded to a new memory stick which is also more secure with a password protection option. It's another Kingston but it's smaller, sleeker and has 4Gb of memory.

Great price of RM 39 => £7.00 at today's dismal exchange rate, but how cheap is that?

Get Shorty

Picked up my now re-cleaned shorts and they've done a fair old job of getting the stain out. All nicely pressed too, but I won't be going back.

The Full Monty



The stars of Monty Python have launched their own YouTube channel, offering high-quality free clips of some of their most popular skits, after they said they wanted to "get their own back" on people who had been illegally uploading their sketches onto the site by taking matters into their own hands.

"We know who you are, we know where you live and we could come after you in ways too horrible to tell. But being the extraordinarily nice chaps we are, we've figured a better way to get our own back: We've launched our own Monty Python channel on YouTube. No more of those crap quality videos you've been posting. We're giving you the real thing – HQ videos delivered straight from our vault."

Neat.

Top Choice

After Jonathan Ross was asked to step down (mutual agreement) as compere at the British Comedy Awards, the BBC sees it fit to replace him with Angus Deayton.

The same guy who was sacked as host of the current affairs quiz show Have I Got News For You? six years ago after newspaper revelations linking him with prostitutes and cocaine-taking.

:0D




The awards, to be screened on ITV1 on Saturday 6th Dec, are already heading for farce with both Russell Brand and Jonathan Ross included in the nominations.

Priceless

A 10 year old boy who wanted to cycle to school because it was environmentally friendly was told by the school he couldn't unless his mother drove behind him, on the grounds that there was nowhere to store it and the mother had to pick the bike up. Teachers also told parents the roads near the school were too dangerous for children to ride on. The Head Burd guffed:

"The road outside the school is a very dangerous place. At the beginning and the end of the day it gets extremely congested."

Of course the roads are busy you stupid woman, it's because everyone is dropping off/collecting their kids to/from school.

And the Candidates

JAMES FENTON

Fenton comes with an unimpeachable poetic pedigree: at Oxford he won the Newdigate Prize for Poetry, which puts him in the company of Ruskin, Matthew Arnold and Oscar Wilde, and went on the become Professor of Poetry at the university. He has brought the experience won as a war correspondent and political journalist to bear on his verse, expressing himself powerfully but, to traditionalists, unthreateningly, in established forms. Fenton will also have heavyweight supporters in the shape of Martin Amis, Christopher Hitchens and Ian McEwan with whom he once worked at the New Statesman and in admirers of the stage-show Les Misérables for which he provided the libretto and which in turn made him rich.

SIMON ARMITAGE

At 45 Armitage has youth and energy on his side. He also has impressive poet-of-the-people credentials having, in his pre-muse life, worked as both a probation officer and as an undertaker's assistant. He is a prolific writer in various genres, the author of a dozen collections of verse as well as radio, television, film and stage scripts he has also written a novel. Armitage has made strenuous attempts to broaden the appeal of poetry outside its heartlands; his translation of Sir Gawain and the Green Knight, for example, bringing Middle English to an audience who first encountered the poet on his regular appearances on Radio 1.

WENDY COPE

Cope has previous form, having won a Radio Four listeners' poll in 1998 to succeed Ted Hughes in the Laureate post. Not the most prolific of poets, she owes her popularity with both adults and children to a deft comical voice that has drawn comparisons with John Betjeman and Philip Larkin among others and in which she makes even misery gently amusing. This gift meant that her collection Serious Concerns, published in 1992, sold an unprecedented (for poetry) 180,000 copies. A note of caution should be sounded by the fact that Cope has expressed her reluctance to become Poet Laureate – not on ideological grounds but because she doesn't want to be pestered by journalists.

BENJAMIN ZEPHANIAH

Zephania, the Birmingham-born Rastafarian and dub poet, is an adherent of poetry's verbal tradition and his verse comes from his Jamaican roots, having the rhythm of reggae without the music. A favourite in schools, Zephania's political activism – from race to human rights and veganism – is a ready source of material. He has 13 honorary doctorates to his name as well as a number one record (Rasta) – in the former Yugoslavia. Should he be offered the Laureateship a gracious acceptance is unlikely: he turned down an OBE in 2003 in protest at 'how my foremothers were raped and my forefathers brutalised'.

CAROL ANN DUFFY

Highly regarded and many people's pick for the post, Duffy is adroit at handling controversy: earlier this year the exam board AQA removed one of her poems, Education for Leisure, from the GCSE curriculum (where she is a staple) claiming it glorified knife crime. The poet's elegant response was to write a reply in verse pointing out the amount of knife usage in Shakespeare's plays. Her work is potent but approachable; as she says: 'I like to use simple words in a complicated way.' Her leftist, feminist and lesbian ethos should tick Government boxes, nevertheless, she missed out on the Laureateship in 1999 because, it is said, Tony Blair feared her sexuality would play badly in middle England.

GEOFFREY HILL

As the grand old man of British verse (he was born in 1932), Hill's poetry has different origins to those of the other likely candidates. He was formed in earlier times when poetry was widely understood to be a vehicle for transmitting complex ideas; his work, therefore, is often unapologetically demanding, a direct response to the urge towards simplification he sees in the modern world. Hill's cause will not be helped by some critics' reading of his subject matter – the landscape, British and European history – as reactionary whereas he sees his affiliations as humanitarian rather than sectarian. He may be held back too by an ear for language that can be at times too subtle to attract notice.

Bring back Pam Ayres...

Poet Laureate

Ministers are to announce changes to the selection process for the prestigious post, previously held by John Betjeman and Ted Hughes with a break with tradition allowing ordinary poetry readers to play a major part in deciding who gets the nod.

Andrew Motion's 10 years as poet laureate come to an end next year and the Government is keen to introduce more democracy into the choice of his successor.

A source at the Department for Culture, Media and Sport said:

"The time has come to start a debate on who the next poet laureate should be, how the post should develop and the entire direction of poetry in this country."

Seems a more reasonable approach, if a tad "Pap [sic]Idol" but if it makes it more open to the public, it can't be a bad thing.

More here: TTel

Nostalgia Just Ain't What It Used To Be

A recent study has shown what Britons miss most; village post offices, red phone boxes and Sundays as a day or rest are what people are nostalgic for.

Other in the top ten included Concorde, traditional milkman, the TV chart show Top of the Pops (soon to return?) old English tearooms and the £1 bank note. There was also a longing for more lollipop ladies on school crossings and vinyl records.

The survey, carried out by soft drink Tango, also asked which current endangered aspects of British life would be missed most if they went. Answers included local pubs, a full English breakfast, the Royal Family, the national anthem, pantomimes and the Bank of England.

Really? My list would include our ex-motorbikes, my pals and real ale.

Isn't Life Just Grand?

Volunteers at the West Cumberland Hospital in Whitehaven, Cumbria, have spent decades baking cakes to raise money for equipment the NHS cannot afford, but now officials at the hospital have claimed the hospital's League of Friends' sponge cakes and tea loaves contravene guidelines under "health and safety guidelines". They have now been banned from continuing their tradition.

The hospital blames the ban on strict rules over packaging and labelling from the Food Standards Agency; although the FSA maintained last night it made no such demands on the ladies' cakes.

Hospital gadgy:

"We appreciate the support volunteers give to our hospitals but there are strict guidelines in place, enforced by the FSA, over food sold to the public. This means all food should be packaged appropriately, date-stamped and ingredients listed. This is in the interests of maintaining and protecting the health of the public*."

FSA gadgy:

"There is nothing in our guidelines that prevents the sale of home-made cakes at fundraising events. A common-sense approach and care that the cakes are stored properly should be taken."

I wonder how this will pan out?



* Prat

In the Money

Nearly 200 public sector workers earn more than the Prime Minister, with four of them enjoying salaries of more than £1 million a year, as revealed in the Public Sector Rich List 2008, published by the TaxPayers' Alliance, which shows that hundreds of government employees are enjoying rises of nearly 11%.

Topping the list is the head of Network Rail, Ian Coucher who earns £1 244 000 a year, with second and third places going to Adam Crozier, chief executive of Royal Mail, on £1 242 000 and Andy Duncan, chief executive of Channel Four on £1 211 000. Employees of British Nuclear Fuels, the Financial Services Authority and the BBC are also in the top ten earners.

The list has 387 people receiving salary packages worth more than £150 000 a year in 140 government departments, quangos and public corporations with twenty four executives who have received sizeable financial rewards despite presiding over embarrassing scandals.

Four people earned £1 million, up from one person last year and twenty-one people earned above £500 000 a year, up from 17 last year. Eighty-eight people earned above £250 000, up from 66 people in 2007.

There are 194 people earning more than the Prime Minister (whose salary is £189 994) which is also up from 142 in last year's list.

All those on the rich list had an average pay rise of 10.9% between 2006-7 and 2007-8, three times average earnings growth across the country which is currently around 3.5% and the average total pay package of those on the list was £240 000 per annum, or over £4 600 a week.

Although many people on the list may work longer, based on a 35 hour week, this is equal to over £130 an hour or around £2.15 a minute.

The pay packages compare with an average soldier's earnings of around £20 000 a year, a nurse's earnings of £23 000 and the average chief executive of a small company's earnings of £65 000. Even the earnings of the director of a medium sized company, at an average of £122 000 a year, pale in comparison to the salaries of the top public sector earners.

Ten people working for the three bodies responsible for regulating the financial system, the FSA, the Treasury and the Bank of England, earned an average of £400 000 a year, and the average remuneration package of the 24 executives who presided over embarrassing losses of personal data over the past year, including the records of 25 million families in the child benefit disc loss scandal, was over £190 000 a year.

With thanks to TTel.

Great Shop Signs

What it Says on the Tin


My Kind of Shop...

Who Will be Brave Enough to be Seen Entering?

No Shit, Sherlock




VAT

I've never understood the term "value added tax"- what extra value are you receiving for buying something?

What I didn't know though, is that European Union law dictates what the lowest value can be and that is 15%. Which is what McBroon is proposing to drop VAT to in the UK (the first time it has ever been reduced) in an attempt to kick start a spending frenzy and fend off the effects of the recession.

Too little too late- how's saving 2.5% on a Mars bar going to help? It will have no effect on the housing market, although it may help the car industry; but who's going to be buying a new car right now?

Further expected Budget announcements include:

*Home owners to be given three-months "grace" before repossession proceedings begin

*An extension of the £120 rebate for basic-rate taxpayers

*Small businesses to get more time to pay corporation tax, VAT and National Insurance bills

* A delay in one per cent tax rise on small business profits

* Delay on increase in vehicle excise duty in older cars

* Tax exemption on foreign dividends for bigger firms

* VAT cut from 17.5 per cent to 15 per cent

Is It Really?

It is now two whole years since I last drove a car after we abandoned the Pug 306 XSi in Slovenia.

Haven't missed driving in the least.

But riding a bike on the other hand...

*yay* Dilbert

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I Love These Guys


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I've been nicking their stuff for a while, but here's their home page: Cyanide & Happiness

Tripadvisor Update



We're now up to 75 places we have visited on our jaunt and that is not accurate as some towns and villages we have been to are too small to be picked up on their map. And the good thing is that there are loads of empty places to stick a pin into yet.

Aloof Arrogance

A quote form the TVL (Television Licensing) department on why the BBC does not make it clearer that people can watch shows after their first transmission for free, which is not stated on the licence or on warning letters.

“Our issue is not to inform people of when they don’t need a licence. It’s to inform them when they need a licence.”

Says it all, doesn't it?

True Bravery

This is what the Gurkhas do for "Queen and country". What do we do for them? From TTimes:

Gurkha soldiers who braved Taliban machinegun fire to rescue a wounded colleague have spoken for the first time about their actions.

The soldiers, from B Company of the 2nd Battalion the Royal Gurkha Rifles, took part in two days of running battles with the Taliban to clear insurgents from an Afghan town.
Rifleman Yubraj Rai was shot as they began clearing a number of mudwalled compounds south of Musa Qala, which has been repeatedly damaged by fighting between British troops and the Taliban.


“We were advancing, clearing compound to compound,” said Rifleman Dhan Gurung. “We had crossed approximately 250 metres of an open field, heading towards the next compound, when the enemy opened fire.”

At first the Gurkhas believed the shooting was aimed at another patrol. Dhan saw Yubraj drop to the ground and thought he was taking cover, so he also dived down. Yubraj did not seem to be moving; then he suddenly cried out and Dhan realised he had been hit.

“I crawled to Yubraj and I tried to calm him down. I concentrated on administering first aid and tried to find the gunshot wound. I gave him some water to drink and poured some on his head.”
Dhan screamed into the radio: “Man down, man down.” Two other Gurkhas, Lance Corporal Gajendra Rai and Rifleman Manju Gurung, who had witnessed the incident, made repeated attempts to reach Yubraj and Dhan under heavy enemy fire.


Eventually they managed to crawl through to where Yubraj was lying and dragged him into a compound which they knew was clear of Taliban, while Dhan gave them covering fire with his own rifle in one hand and Yubraj’s in the other.

“I never noticed the bullets landing around me,” he said. “But I was shocked when I heard from other members of the section and the platoon how close the rounds had been. I thought we would not come back alive.”

What the Gurkhas’ commanding officer Lieutenant-Colonel Chris Darby described as “an outstanding moment of bravery” was sadly in vain.

Despite the efforts of the medics, 28-year-old Yubraj died shortly after the battle earlier this month.

His family had a tradition of fighting for the British. His uncle was also a Gurkha and he was the main breadwinner for his widowed mother and his sisters in eastern Nepal.

Darby put together the plan to clear the compounds after a meeting with elders from Musa Qala, who told him they were “caught between a ‘rock’ – the Taliban – and a ‘hard place’, which was us”.

It was vital to oust the Taliban so that the Afghans would see that it was the British forces who had brought them peace and allowed them to get on with their lives, Darby said.

As they pushed on through the compounds they encountered “incredibly fierce fighting for an intense six hours”. The Gurkhas climbed on to the roofs of the compounds to geta better position from which to return the Taliban fire.

The operation resulted in the enemy forces suffering losses and being pushed back from the area. Apache helicopter gunships and the 105mm guns of 29 Commando Regiment Royal Artillery bombarded the Taliban positions.

The fighting raged intermittently through the night and into the next day, with the Gurkhas clearing 10 compounds and uncovering caches of roadside bombs and drugs.

Getting Better

After yesterday's "off day" things are already improving.

Tottenham sneaked a 1-0 win at home to a 10-man Blackburn (and we hit the post) to lift them off the foot of the table and take us into 15th (20) place and above the Toon. I can't wait to actually watch a game (full game showing later today) where Spurs win. Both Tottenham and Bielefeld winning on the same weekend? Unheard of.

The shorts are going to be just fine, I can feel it.

Gan Shopping

We spoiled ourselves and bought a toaster.

Considering we are here for nearly two months it makes senses and at well under a tenner, it's hardly breaking the bank, so we are now the owners of a luxury item which will make our sandwiches a real treat.

Melted butter and Marmite? Cool. Particularly as we have found a local baker that makes English muffins which is the only way to scoff Marmite. Christmas has come early.

Yesterday Was Not a Good Day

Aye, one can have problems when one is living in paradise.

It all kicked off with me picking up the washing and making a flippant comment to wifey about how good it was to have my favourite shorts clean again. (Camels, as you're asking and yes, they are even better than my Levis).

I pulled them out of the bag and there was a huge dark blue discolouring around the waist band, which stuck out a mile on the khaki beige fabric.

I'm not one to complain, no, really, but I took them back and eventually got then to admit it was down to them and I return later today to hopefully retrieve them sans blue rinse.

And it gets better.

After a jaunt around a super shopping complex out of town (we took the bus) we got back and found we couldn't connect to the internet. Oddly enough we could pick up Skype, but absolutely nowt else, not even Google.

We spent a good half an hour on the phone to the hotel's IT department (of course, being the weekend) trying all alternatives but no joy and we were concerned that it was the new Vaio that was at fault because no other guests had found a problem. Guess where we bought the computer from? The out-of-town shopping complex...

We tried all three lappies and still couldn't log on and so took one down to reception where there is free wi-fi. Still no joy.

It was then we asked another guest if they had been experiencing problems too and he said the same; no connection since lunch time. Ditto the only other guest, but why didn't they report the concern?

Thankfully, once we knew it wasn't an error at our end we went back to Reception and they said they would get the IT department in to sort things out. We went out for dinner and by the time we got back, we were back on line.

Now, if only the shorts are sorted too, life goes back to being bloody brilliant.

Placebo

In the 1990s, four Super Bowl teams provided their players with a sports drink other than GatorAde. One supplied their players with coloured water.

I'm surprised anyone could tell the difference...

Sunday, 23 November 2008

Double Bubble

Click to Enlarge

The consultation paper on road safety compliance issued by the Department for Transport has suggested that police should no longer have to take careless drivers to court and instead they should have the power to issue a £60 fixed penalty and three points.
Offences that would become punishable by a fixed penalty include driving too close to the vehicle in front, failing to signal before turning, swerving, sudden braking, passing too close to a cyclist and failing to display lights at night.

Currently, drivers who have held their licences for less than two years are already liable for a ban if they accumulate six points, whilst other drivers are banned after getting 12 points within three years.
Under the proposals, novice drivers could be disqualified on their first offence as ministers want to increase to six points the penalty for exceeding the limit by more than 15 or 20 mph. See above.
Love it,
Innocent until proven guilty and having your day in court in front a jury of your peers no longer seem to apply in the UK, it seems...

Scoop6

Want to improve your chances of winning a jack pot that isn't at odds of the 14 million-to-one chance of winning the Lotto? Try Scoop6 then, especially if you're a fan of the nags.

For a £2 minimum wager, punters can choose six horses to win six separate races (each to be shown live on Channel 4) and if all six chosen horses win, you can collect £3.5 million. And if that is not enough, you get a further opportunity to bump that up to £5 million by winning another £1.5 extra large if you correctly forecast just one more winner of another race the following week.

A sta-testicles expert has estimated that punters with a reasonable knowledge of the "sport" can narrow the odds of winning the jackpot to less than 20 000-1, which at those odds is 700 times more likely than predicting the lottery.

More at TTimes.

Public Holidays

And speaking of time off, Malaysia gets a whacking 14 days off a year as Bank Holidays and they don't even have a Boxing Day (Christmas and New Year's Day they do get.)

School Holidays in Malaysia

Unlike in the UK, the main holidays are not taken in July/August, but now. A few weeks back (22nd November?), the kids broke up for six weeks and they will go back to school after New Year's Day.

They then have the first two weeks in June, a week in mid-March and another at the end of August.

Brand & Ross- The Aftermath

The report into the whole sorry affair involving Brand and Ross leaving obscene voicemail messages on Andrew Sachs's voicemail has been published by the BBC Trust:


Sir Michael Lyons, the BBC chairman, announced that all senior BBC executives will forego their bonuses for the current financial year. But he confirmed that Mr Ross will keep his £6million-a-year job with the BBC, and will return to his shows on both BBC1 and Radio 2 once his current three-month suspension ends in January.

Philip Davies MP, a Conservative member of the Commons culture, media and sport committee, said: "These are matters of judgement. But if I personally was in charge of the BBC, I wouldn't want Jonathan Ross working for me again."

Describing the BBC Trust as "a bit feeble", Mr Davies added: "This whole episode moves the likelihood of the BBC losing some of the licence fee further forward."

Don Foster MP, the Liberal Democrats' culture spokesman, said: "After phone-in scandals, inflated salaries and the serious editorial failures that led to this Brand affair, it's hardly surprising that people are questioning the value of their licence fee.

"In the past the licence fee was the least worst option available to pay for the content we wanted, but the reality is that the continuing changes to the way people watch TV means it simply isn't sustainable in the long term."

The report comes at a time when both Sir Michael and the BBC's director-general, Mark Thompson, are fighting hard to defend both the licence fee and the BBC's monopoly over it. Ofcom, the broadcasting watchdog, is close to completing a review of public service broadcasting in the UK. Early in the New Year, the culture secretary Andy Burnham will decide whether to give new public subsidy to Channel 4 and possibly other broadcasters and, if so, whether that money should be taken away from the BBC.

A Government source reiterated that Mr Burnham still has an open mind on the issue, but accepted that "some people might think this episode makes the BBC's case harder".
The BBC Trust report said that the offending material from Mr Brand's show was "so grossly offensive that there was no justification for its broadcast".


The report also criticised two other BBC shows, in the shape of an edition of Mr Ross's own chat show and one of the Chris Moyles breakfast show on Radio 1.

It questioned the "calibre and training of our editorial executives", and Sir Michael said that Mr Thompson would, within a month, present the Trust with proposals to tighten the controls that the BBC has over independent production companies which are owned by on-air talent - including Mr Ross's production company Hot Sauce, which makes his chat show for BBC1.
Ofcom is conducting its own inquiry into the three offending shows, which could result in a maximum fine for the BBC of £750,000.


Mark Byford, the BBC's deputy director-general, defended the corporation's decision to retain Mr Ross, saying that a three-month suspension without pay was "proportionate".

"We've said very, very clearly that what he did and Russell did in that studio should never have happened and was utterly unacceptable, and he himself has paid a penalty," said Mr Byford.

Mr Byford denied that the episode should affect the status of the licence fee. "The issues about the funding of the BBC, and its accountability to licence payers, and whether money should be used for other organisations, is different to this," he said. "What this is about is a serious failure in editorial standards. In this case we were way off, and we let licence payers down."


Taken from TTel. Ta.

Mikaeel

So it may be true then? MJ becomes Muslim.

The Ideal Christmas Present

From TTel and what to do with $1 million:

It is the perfect way to see off those credit crunch blues: by embarking on the world's first $1 million dollar "package" holiday.

As one might expect with the £700,000 price tag, no luxury is spared for the two people arriving at the ultra-luxurious Emirates Palace hotel in Abu Dhabi for their "once in a lifetime" holiday.

The week-long break begins with a first-class flight from any destination in the world to the hotel, where the guests will stay in the 680 square metre Palace Suite. After that, luxury is heaped upon luxury for the next seven days.

Once the guests have arrived, they have a 24-hour private butler service, 24-access to a chauffeur-driver Maybach car and their suite is equipped with a 61-inch interactive plasma screen, large private balcony and personal laptops.

They can choose from 12 restaurants, including the Al Majilis Caviar Bar – which has its own resident harpist – whenever they want to eat.

The Palace Suite – their "home" for the week – is equipped with "three regal bedrooms", an elegant dining room and an entrance hall with gold and silver chandeliers. It is one of 92 suites at the 394-room hotel, built on an unspoilt stretch of coastline.

During their break, the guests will spend three separate days travelling on a private jet to different countries in the Middle East to experience exotic treats. The first excursion is to Iran, where guests will get the chance to create their own Persian carpet with the help of a leading local designer. Next comes a day trip to Jordan to visit the Dead Sea and an exclusive local spa.

But perhaps the highlight of the entire holiday is the visit to Bahrain for deep sea pearl diving. The pearls that are found on the day will then be hand designed with jewellery settings, which can be kept at the end of the week.


The hotel is a favourite stop-off for celebrities and politicians. President George W. Bush, US Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice and Sir John Major, the former Prime Minister, are among those to have stayed at the hotel earlier this year, while actors Sir Ben Kingsley, Susan Sarandon and Catherine Deneuve have all stayed there in the past two months.

Although the trips are the highlight of the $1 million holiday, the rest of the week is anything but dull: guests will go on a champagne sunset and desert island tour, a deep-sea fishing trip, make their own perfume and will enjoy a round of golf at the magnificent Abu Dhabi Golf Club.
Work is probably going to be the last thing on the guests' minds while staying at the hotel – set in 200 acres with landscaped gardens – but visitors can also use the 1,100-seat auditorium and other facilities at the Conference and Banqueting Centre.


It is much more likely, however, that guests will head for the near mile-long hotel beach, one of the two giant swimming pools or the ultra-modern spa, gym and tennis courts.
The $1 million dollar break is advertised on the Emirates Palace website as a "special offer". The website says of the trip: "No expense is spared during the week. The stunning grandeur of one of the most expensive hotels ever built demands ultra-luxury offerings for its guests, including unrivalled facilities and incredible tailor made designer packages. The Emirates Palace, Abu Dhabi, exceeds all expectations."


But has anyone yet booked the "once in a lifetime holiday" – or is the cost simply too prohibitive? A spokesman for the hotel said: "We can confirm that two people have booked the package [each for two people]. They are both Arabs but we cannot reveal their names."

Sounds like fun, but it's not even the fanciest hotel any longer- see yesterday's posts on the Atlantis. However, I wouldn't turn it down.

An Hour a Day

According to the latest research, workers in the UK are wasting up to an hour a day on sending and receiving emails, as most do not filter or organise their emails correctly, while many of the emails that are sent do not help workers to do their jobs. It seems that our obsession with sending and receiving emails has led to a culture in which we process them without thinking, which is causing us to waste so much time.

A spokesbod for the communications consultants which commissioned the study, Expert Messaging, said that workers had not been given appropriate training for proper use of emails:

"As a communications tool that we have all grown up with, but seldom if ever given any formal training on or provided any corporate guidelines for, it's no wonder that email is a significant sources of stress, miscommunication and inefficiency for companies and individuals."

Pardon me? One needs training to hit the delete button or to send an email to a colleague? And if in return more rubbish is sent out from a work associate, it doesn't take much to have a word and it soon stops sharpish. How desperate are they to drum up business for their undoubtedly available course?

Utter bollocks.

Olè

Now why would Hazel Blears, the Secretary of State for Communities and Local Government need to learn to speak Spanish for her "job"? Fine if she visits on holiday*, but that would be a personal thing, so why then has she been getting the tax payer to stump up for her lessons?

Are there really that many native Spanish speakers in her Salford constituency?

*The minister, a keen biker, however admitted in 2007 that her best-ever holiday had been “motorbiking across Spain”. Good on her for riding, bad on her for conning the cash, even though it was apparently only a "handful of lessons".

The Arse

Sadly lost once again this weekend.

*snigger*

:0D

Results So Far

Fine achievement for the Toon as they held Chelsea to a 0-0 in their own back yard (at the Bridge) and go 15th (20) but Southend lose out at home to Oldham, and the Blues drop to 9th (24).

Bielefeld incredibly win one at home to Bayer Leverkusen with a great 2-1 victory and this puts them into 14th (18). Leverkusen are currently second in the Bundesliga as were we, but from the bottom! Outstanding, and let's hope they can keep off the bottom over the winter break.

Spurs take on Blackburn later today and if they squeeze out the three points, it will lift them to 14th (20). Come on the Spurs...

Saturday, 22 November 2008

E & O Hotel

One of the grandest and most expensive hotels, the Eastern & Orient, is situated directly opposite ours and we can get a clear view of the splendid building.

Incredibly, we seem to be able to pick up clear wi-fi signals in our room, which is really amazing as some places we have stayed in can't even get reception to you one floor away. Shame we haven't got their password.

Still, give me a LAN connection any day- so far we have had no problems at all and coupled with a new lappie, this is bliss.

Local Roxy

Just a short walk away we have yet another grand shopping mall and as usual, a multiplex cinema can be found on the top floor.

Midweek matinees are a mere RM 5 (less than a quid) and so we'll be off to see the new Bond film again. It was that good and for that price, why the Hell not?

Mikaeel* Jackson

Has done a Cat Stevens and has reportedly converted to Islam following a personal ceremony at his pal's place in Los Angeles, recently.

Whether serious or perhaps a move to placate his Arab friend whom he owes multi-millions to remains to be seen.





*No typo, this is his more Muslim style name.

Free Paper

It really is a treat to be given a complimentary newspaper every morning and here they seem to alternate between the Star and Strait Times, both of which provide a good read.

I was perusing the sports section and was amazed to read that the Man Utd & Chelsea bun fight at Stamford Bridge ("Battle of the Bridge", how quaintly Sun-like) that kicked off on 26th April, still hasn't had a formal investigation, which is now scheduled for 4-5th December 2008.

The FA pretends to give a toss about racism in their sport and yet drag their heels for over eight months? Pathetic.

Local Service Wash

Plenty of options locally and we've just dumped off two weeks worth of clothes that need the intense detergent and water experience. We could have got cheaper but this place was the closest and it was really hot in the direct, scorching sun, so we chose the lazy option.

Wash, dry, iron and ready for collection tomorrow morning: RM 30- that's £5. Top deal.

Shopping With Bags

They seem to be very conscious of shop lifting in the supermarkets and department stores and are a bit suspicious of you taking in bags. They will either request you give up your personal bag to a holding area or, if they are plastic bags, they will seal it with a zip tie.

Some shops even seal your shopping with security tape and others will staple the receipt on the outside of the bag to show you have paid. It's no big deal and it must work; perhaps the UK could do something like this to stop the massive shop lifting spree it experiences every year?

Georgetown Gans to Sleep

It is really odd to see restaurants and eateries closing up shop after lunch and having a siesta. Between three and six in the afternoon, most scoff joints take a three hour break and then open up for the early evening customers again.

It's like being back in the UK before all day drinking was introduced. But with like, er, food.

The Game Is A-Foot, Watson

Premeditated murders are six per cent more likely to be solved than non-premeditated murders.

Atlantis Hotel; Dubai

Wow!

Stephen Bleach of TTimes was there at the gaff. Lucky sod:

There’s something fishy going on here. I’m standing in the Lost Chambers of Atlantis, staring at what, I have been gravely assured, are the submerged ruins of Plato’s ancient, doomed civilisation.

The last time I saw daylight, however, I could have sworn I was on the Palm, an island off the coast of Dubai that I don’t think Plato had heard of, being as they started building it only seven years ago. You don’t have to be a Time Team presenter to know it doesn’t quite add up.
The Lost Chambers are the star attraction of the Atlantis, a new, 1,539-room mega-resort that will open to the public on September 24. Last week, I was the first British journalist to take a look around the near-finished article, and I was gobsmacked. It’s one of the most impressive and ambitious resorts I’ve seen. It’s certainly the most ludicrous.


So ludicrous, in fact, it’s almost heroic. It takes a certain damn-the-torpedoes guts to spend £750m on a premise this self-evidently daft: the “discovery” of a 10,000-year-old civilisation that never existed, on an island that’s still being finished. But we’ll get to that in a minute. For now, the impressive stuff.

You approach Atlantis up the “trunk” of the Palm Jumeirah, as it’s formally known. In sheer engineering terms, it’s a boggling thing. Where there was nothing but sea five years ago, they’ve built a three-mile-long island with fronds radiating from the centre. Right at the crest, in prime position, the 395ft towers of Atlantis emerge slowly through the heat haze.


From the outside, the architecture is a bit odd. It’s supposed to look “Atlantean”, which seems to mean a lot of fish motifs, but they couldn’t resist throwing in a few other elements: they’ve ended up with Peter Jackson fantasy meets arabesque meets Hilton high-rise, all painted a slightly queasy frozen-prawn pink. I’m not sure it’s what Plato had in mind.

Go in and it gets odder still. The vast lobby is dominated by Dale Chihuly’s 35ft-high glass sculpture, which looks like cascading multicoloured spaghetti. There are garish “mythical” murals, and they’ve covered a good deal of the acres of floor with a turquoise-and-yellow swirly carpet – sea and shells, I think, though it’s hard to tell.

Step off that carpet and you’re in the serene and genuinely stylish spa, or David Rockwell’s sensational bamboo and wood design for the Nobu restaurant. It’s like that all over. The avenues and halls go on and on, mid1980s Dallas styling around this corner, cutting-edge contemporary around that – the most expensive design identity crisis in history.

The food is as ambitious as the rest of it. There are 17 places to eat: Giorgio Locatelli, the best Italian chef in London, has a trattoria here, and they’ve drafted in Michel Rostang from Paris and Santi Santamaria from Spain. That’s seven Michelin stars right there.

What about the rooms? The standard ones are a good size, high-spec and pretty bland, which is something of a relief. For more drama, you can always go for the Lost Chambers suites: the bedrooms look out through huge underwater picture windows into the resort’s 11m-litre lagoon, stocked with sharks, rays,angel-fish, trevallies and more, in dense, multicoloured shoals.
Fine for romantics, as long as you don’t mind a fishy audience – though the sight of the rays gliding past is so mesmerising, you might not get round to anything energetic.


If money’s no object, you’ll want the Bridge Suite, which spans the archway between the two towers. A British family are the first bookers, paying £45,000 for three nights: for that, they get three bedrooms, four staff and a gold-leafed dining table seating 18. Not the food to go on it, though – that price is B&B.

Back down to earth, the beach is fine, though don’t expect much from the scenery. It faces back to Palm island, which may look great on a map, but is surprisingly ugly close up, with its densely packed, colourless villas and miles of strangely arid, unwelcoming beachfront. Nature does islands rather better than man.

Still, you get free access to Atlantis’s 42-acre Aquaventure waterpark. It’s a cracker, with a 1½mile river to float in, a fantastic children’s playground and cutting-edge rides topped off by the Leap of Faith, a near-vertical 90ft slide that shoots you through a shark-filled lagoon like a bullet out of a gun.

There’s buckets more here: two kids’ clubs, a nightclub, posh shops (Tiffany, Graff, Cartier); oh, yes, and a dolphin “conservation centre”. Yeah, right.

The mammals were caught in the Solomon Islands and shipped here to live in tanks so we could pay to swim with them. I didn’t.

The keynote attraction, however, is the Lost Chambers. In a dimly lit stone labyrinth full of startled fish are great bits of fallen masonry covered with mysterious runes (though, presumably, they’re not that mysterious to the guy who made them up). You wouldn’t think you’re supposed to take all this stuff seriously, but they do, they really do.

From the top down, Atlantis’s staff treat their newly constructed ruins with po-faced reverence. Their eyes take on a spooky, glazed look when they talk about it, like freshly indoctrinated members of a Californian UFO cult.

“This is the Abyss,” my guide says. “It was here the Atlanteans mined their minerals – they lowered their miners down this well. Fascinating, isn’t it?”

“But... it’s not real, is it?” I mumble. My words simply don’t register. “We expect a lot of school parties,” he says. “Education is a big part of our work.”

Schools? Education? They’re kidding, aren’t they? Yes, kids will love Atlantis, and yes, it’s certainly worth seeing – a phenomenon, a bonkers colossus – but, really, a few days will do it. Any longer and you might end up getting that spooky-eyed look yourself.

Kuoni (www.kuoni.co.uk) has three nights at Atlantis in October from £879pp, B&B. That’s good value, but expect prices to rocket in winter – Destinology (www.destinology.co.uk) has seven nights in February for £3,829pp, B&B. Both prices include flights from London

ATLANTIS IN BIG NUMBERS

The cost: £750m
The size: 114 acres – or 64 Wembley football pitches
The rooms: 1,539, with prices starting at £228 per night for a standard double and rising to £15,000 for the Bridge Suite
The water: 60m litres, including the rides and aquariums – enough to fill 24 Olympic-size pools
The rides: 8, including the 1½mile river ride
The restaurants: 17, three from Michelin-starred chefs
The fish: 65,000 specimens, twice as many as the London Aquarium

Pah, Ours is Just as Good

Having spent £1 billion on building the Atlantis hotel, the owners went one step further by splashing out £13.5 million on its opening with a grand party.

In the lobby, about 2 000 guests sipped Dom Pérignon. We arrived on foot, supping on a can of Diet Coke. Between us.

Outside, A-list celebrities from Robert De Niro to Lindsay Lohan walked the red carpet. The barmaid looked a little like Cliff Richard and I'm sure we saw an Elvis impersonator.

After the pop singer Kylie Minogue performed on stage the sky lit up with the world’s largest fireworks display, seven times greater than this year’s Olympic Games opening ceremony in Beijing and extravagant enough to be seen from outer space. It was the Elvis impersonator. He was rather good but there was a colour clash between his turban and his jump suit. There was a sparkler on banana split a guest was tucking into in the restaurant and a car had backfired in the street which sounded like a banger of sorts.

The price tag for the party even embarrassed the chairman and chief executive officer of Kerzner International, who built the resort on the man-made Palm Island in partnership with a state-owned developer. He said, in an understatement of the year:

“If I had to do it all over again, I might do it recognising the fact that we’re living through a bit of a tough economic environment.”

If you fancy a night, rates range in price from $800 (£550) for a basic suite to $35 000 per night for the hotel’s signature suite, which features floor to ceiling views of Dubai. The 1 539-room hotel has two towers set in 130-acre grounds that feature an aquarium with 65 000 sea creatures. We're paying loads less than it would cost to stay in the Atlantis kennel, we get a brilliant view of the Malacca Straits and we conveniently exit directly onto the pavement.

It sounds like a top place but we are more than happy at The Bayview. :o)



Factuals: 58 000 km of steel bars were used in the hotel’s construction, more than nine times the length of the Great Wall of China and the resort is 46 hectares, equal to 64 Wembley pitches

Ever Wondered What Southend is Like?

If you want to visit, learn the local language first. Do not think that as you are fluent in Cocker-knee that you will be understood:

ASSA COMMONS - Our Parliament Building.

ART ATTACK - Extremely perturbed, as in "Don't tell Sharon, She'll have an art attack."

ARST - Past tense of ask. "Jordan, I must've arst ya free fazzund times to clear up yer room."

BANNSA - A person employed to deny access or eject troublemakers at a club."Dave's got izself a job as a bannsa."

BANTY - A chocolate and coconut snack bar.

BAVE - To wash oneself.

BOAF - The two. "Oi Dave, ooja fancy most, Sharon or Tracy?" "Boaf" is the reply.

BRANSATCH - Motor racing circuit in Kent.

CANCEL - Administrative body of a town. "Darren, wive ad annuvva letter from the cancel."

CANTAFIT - Fake, as in money.

CHOONA - An edible fish purchased in a tin and usually prepared with mayonnaise.

CORT A PANDA - A big hamburger (smaller than an arf panda)

DAN TO URF - Sensible, practical.

DANNING STREET - Where the Prime Minister lives.

DANSTEZ - On the ground floor , where the biggest telly is.

DREKKUN - Do you consider? as in "Which dog drekkun'll win the next race?"

EFTY - Considerable. "Ere, Trace, this credit card bill's a bit efty."

EJOG - A small, spiky animal (hedgehog).ERZ - Belonging to her.

EVVY - A big geezer who protects a smaller and more intelligent geezer, usually for money. "My name's Frank and this is my evvy, Knuckles."

EYEBROW - Cultured, intellectual.

FANTIN - A jet of water for drinking or ornament.

FARVA - A posh way of saying Dad.

FATCHA - Margaret, British Prime Minister 1979 - 1990.

FINGY - A person or object whose name doesn't come to mind. "I ad it off wiv fingy last night."FONG - Skimpy undergarment.

FOR CRYIN AT LAAD - Mild expletive showing annoyance or surprise. E.G."For cryin at lad, Britney, if I say Yes will you give it a rest?"

GAWON - Go on. "Gawon Darren, eat ya granny's cabbage, it'll do yer good."

GIVE IT LARGE - To be thorough or enthusiastic.

GRAND - A football stadium. "It all wennoff atside the pub near the grand."

HAITCH - Letter of the alphabet between G and I.

IBEEFA - The Spanish holiday island.IFFY - Dubious. "Ere, Trace, I fink this bread pudding you made last munf's a bit iffy."

INT - Indirect suggestion. " I gave Darren a sort of int that it was time to wash iz feet."

IPS - An unknown area of a woman's body to which chocolate travels."That Mars Bar will go straight to me ips."JA - Do you, did you. "Ja like me new airdo, Sharon."

JACKS - Five Pound note. "Lend us a jacks, wilya?"

JAFTA - Is it really necessary? "Oi mate, jafta keep doing that?"

KAF - Eating house open during the day.

KAFFY - A girl's name.

LAD - Noisy. "Jordan, turn that music dan, it's too lad."

LARJ - Enjoying oneself.LEVVA - Material made from the skin of an animal.

LOTREE - Costs £1 for a ticket.

MA BLARCH - An arch near Hyde Park.

MAFFS - The study of numbers.MANOR - Local area.

MINGER - An unattractive person (usually woman).

NARRA - Lacking breadth, with little margin. "Mum wannid to come rand but changed er mind. That was a narra escape."

NARTAMEAN - Do you know what I mean? (sometimes used as janartamean).

NEEVA - Not one nor the other.

NES - National Elf Service.

OAF - A solemn declaration of truth or committment.

OLLADAY - Time taken away from home for rest and adventure.

ONNIST - Fair and just, without a lie. "I never did it, onnist."

OPPIT - Go away , as in "Oi you, oppit."

PADDA PUFF - Soft, lacking aggression. "They're alright up front but they got a padda puff defence."

PACIFIC - Specific.

PAFFUL - Having much power or strength.

PAIPA - Sun, Mirror etc.

PANS AN ANNSIS - Imperial weight system.

PLAMMANS - A pub lunch usually made up of cheese and bread.

QUALIDEE - Good, as in "West 'Am's new striker's qualidee."

RAND - A number of drinks purchased for a group.

RANDEER - Locally. "There ain't much call for it randeer."

REBAND - Period of recovery after rejection by a lover. "I couldn't 'elp it.I was on the reband from Craig."

ROOFLESS - Without compassion.

SAFF - A direction of the compass, opposite north.

SAFFEND - An Essex seaside town.

SAWTED - Done, arranged, resolved.

SEEVIN - Very angry. "I woz seevin when I urd wot 'e sed."

TALENT - Attractive members of the opposite sex. "Dave's gan dan tan to eye up the talent."

TAN ASS - A modern terraced house.

TOP EVVY - A woman of plentiful bosom. "Ere look at that, Darren, she's well top evvy."

UG - An unattractive person. "Sharon's new geezer's a bit of an ug."

UMP - Upset, as in Got the Ump.

VACHER - A document which can be exchanged for goods or services. "I got a vacher to get in cheap at Forp Park."

WANNED UP - Tense. "I'm all wanned up at the moment."

WAWAZUT? - I beg your pardon.

WENNOFF - A fight commenced as in "It all wennoff".

YAFTA - You must : "Even if yer guilty, yafta av mitigating circumstances."

YOOF OSTALL - A place where holidaymakers can stay the night.

ZAGGERATE - To suggest something is better or bigger than is true."Craig, I must've told ya a fazzund times already." "Don't zaggerate, mum."

Just Say No, Kids

At the moment under drug-driving law, Dibble has to prove that a drug has been taken and that the driver's ability was impaired by it, before they can nick you. This has led to very few convictions and so the Government is now considering a new offence, under which the Rozzers would just need to prove that drivers had taken a banned drug.

If caught after taking illegal drugs and subsequently driving, people could be banned for a year and fined up to £5 000, which is a real bummer (man) as traces of drugs can stay in the body for several weeks. Just ask any Olympics competitor.

Naturally, the DfT has said there would be safeguards in any new drug driving offence to prevent drivers from being prosecuted for having "inactive metabolites of cannabis in their system".

Yeah, right. If they are that concerned, why did they bottle it when it came to lowering the alcohol/blood limit to fall in line with the rest of Europe? It's got dick all to do with drugs, illegal or otherwise, it's just once again another assault on the pockets of motorists.

Common Sense

"The speed we’re allowed to drive should be based on our IQ. This way, Stephen Fry would be allowed to travel at 160 while Kerry Katona would be limited to 2 mph."

- Jeremy Clarkson

Caps Lock

Just why is this key, which is rarely used in earnest, so piggin' BIG?

There is no need for this in the least.

Cost of Parking

Taken from TTimes:

1. London City, monthly average: £749.79

London’s most expensive car park is Pavilion Road multi-storey in Knightsbridge, a short hop from Harrods. It will set you back £43.20 for a six hour stay. Berners St car park in Bloomsbury has the highest hourly fee at £8. If you fancy a stay at the Park Lane Hilton factor in the cost for your car - two hours parking costs £12.

2. London, West End, monthly average: £729.71

If you are fortunate enough to find a space in Soho, Oxford Street or near Leicester Square you might live to regret it. Trafalgar Square car park charges £6 an hour, and it will cost you at least £25 to park in most West End car parks for a morning’s shopping.

3. Sydney, monthly average: £497.80

Camper vans at Bondi Beach aren’t for hippies anymore- it is the most expensive beach to park at in Oz costing you $30 for a few hours. Corporate trusts own Sydney’s main car parking areas and earlier this year the Sydney Opera House car park, which has 1,176 spaces, was valued at $120million (£51.5 million).

4. Hong Kong, monthly average: £477.17

Last year a penthouse apartment in central Hong Kong sold for $23.65million USD (about £15million), more extraordinary were the value of the car parking spaces included in the cost- $153,000 each (just over £100,000).

5. Brisbane, monthly average: £380.23

Despite an attempt to promote public transport in Queensland’s largest city, most Brisbane residents travel by car. Brisbane’s population growth has put the city under particular pressure and parking has shot up to match demand.

6. New York, monthly average: £375.97

Americans have a reputation for being dedicated to their cars, but you’d have to have a particularly strong sense of loyalty to want one in Manhattan, where a parking space can fetch up to $255,000 (£167,000). There is an increasing real estate trend in New York to buy up parking spaces as an investment even if you don’t have a car. Parking spaces can fetch the same price per square foot as actual living space.

7. Tokyo, monthly average: £354.80

Finding somewhere to keep your vehicle is so rare in Tokyo that the Japanese have created a law to ensure there isn’t a run on car parks. You must prove you own a parking space before you can buy a car, unless the car is less than 3.4 metres (11ft 2in) long and powered by an engine no larger than 660cc.

8. Perth, monthly average: £331.99

West Australia’s main city has a free transit zone area offering public transport at no cost, in an attempt to cut down on vehicles in the city after the government discovered 80 per cent of journeys were being taken by private car.

9. Stockholm, monthly average: £327.12

Nothing comes cheap in the environmentally friendly Swedish capital, and places to park your polluting vehicle are no exception. Like London, Swedish drivers passing through the centre of Stockholm are charged a congestion fee, and the government have created a slick public transport system to encourage people to keep their cars at home.

10. Dublin, monthly average: £326.44

Office rents in Dublin are some of the highest in Europe so it isn’t surprising that car parking slots fetch a fortune too. Off street spaces in new developments in the Irish capital’s city centre can add tens of thousands of pounds on to the price of a property.

London takes the top two places? Outstanding.

Here it's around RM 3-5, which is under a quid for the whole day,

How Refreshing

There's a notice at the buffet breakfast table which advises patrons that they will be charged RM 10 for every 100 g of wasted food on their plates.

Now that I like.

Google-icious

A new way to personalise Google internet searches has been launched by the company. SearchWiki allows users to delete search results they do not like, promote the ones they do like to the top of the listing and to comment on them.

The new feature is the biggest update to Google's massively popular search engine for more than a year and the company is calling it the next step in the evolution of online search.

The feature is only available to those with a Google account and the changes you make apply only to your searches.

More at TTimes.

Friday, 21 November 2008

Get Ready

Rumour has London (I'm listening into Capital Radio again) may be seeing snow this weekend, possibly Sunday. Whether you get it or not, it still sounds freezing.

We're looking at a steady thirty degrees Centigrade. Bliss.

Neat Idea

Wifey, being a burd, is always one for the healthy stuff in life and loves her daily dose of yoghurts. Here, not only do they offer exotic fruits that actually have bits of real fruit in them, but they also enclose a fold-able spoon, which saves on washing up.

2 x Tins & a Bit of String

Currently, only one in 75 companies uses voice over internet protocol (VOIP) for its telephone lines, although projections place this number to be one in three, in five years.

We're big fans and use it constantly, and if you're wondering what it is, it's Skype which allows you to make free phone calls to anywhere in the world, provided the other person has a pc with the same programme. Total genius.

Just imagine how much big business would save if they dumped conventional phone lines?

And Guess What?

We get hand towels. :o)



(And a front door bell!)

X & Y

The duck-billed platypus only shares 2% of its genome with a duck.

In contrast, ducks and snakes share 31% of their genomes.

Quiet Weekend

Again, not too much will be added to the Blog after the initial surge in the mornings (read that as coming up to midnight back in the UK) over the next few days as it's going to be a long task getting the new 'pooter set up as before.

Still, it's the weekend so I'm sure you'll have plenty of better things to do until next week, right? Enjoy.

Microsoft Office 2007

Again, well snazzy compared to the older versions, but just like Vista and XP, is it really any better? Time will tell, but it's going to take some getting used to.

And it Gets Better

Full-fat, fast and creamy broadband via cable AND a new lappie to play on? Heaven.

It'll take a while to get used to the new style of the Vaio, but it's going to be fun finding out. Unfortunately, I need to go shopping to get some new bits that don't quite work on the new model. Oh, dear. ;0D

It's Not the Bayview For Nothing




Click any to Enlarge
Did I mention we had a pool? Jacuzzi too...


The New Pad











Click Any to Enlarge
And this is home for the next seven weeks! :o)

Successful Move

Prior to moving in to the Bayview, we had a quick look at a room which was very nice indeed and we were told by the bell boy to try and get a room in the new wing, on the corner of the building as they are bigger.

As wifey was taking her mum down to KL airport, it was left to me to get our baggage across (a matter of a couple of blocks) and get checked in, under strict instructions to obtain the recommended room.

Unfortunately, I had previously requested a non-smoking floor and so we didn't get the room we had seen; instead we appear to have landed in the Presidential Suite! Boy, when wifey gets back is she going to freak...

Not just a bath with shower, but also a glass walk in jobbie, two writing desks, a sofa and chair, coffee table, more lights than Stansted Airport and the list goes on. I can't even reach the end of the bed lying across it sideways.

Photos to follow.

Webby, You Old Get

Aye, 45 today and not looking it at all, according to his wifey. More like 55 apparently...

Have a grand day my friend, and maybe we can meet up one day if you fancy a warm holiday in the Far East? We have a few good ideas and the beer is cheap. :0)

Thursday, 20 November 2008

Not on Your Life Part Two

The 30 greatest conspiracy theories - part 2

From the Moscow appartment bombings to the Indian Ocean tsunami. From Pearl Harbour to Peak Oil, the Philadelphia experiment and Pan Am flight 103. Every major event of the last 2,000 years has prompted a conspiracy theory and here we examine those with the biggest followings and the most longevity.

16. The Moscow apartment bombings

Former GRU officer Aleksey Galkin and former FSB officer the late Alexander Litvinenko (who was killed with Polonium-210 in London in November 2006) and other whistle-blowers from the Russian government and security services have asserted that the 1999 Russian apartment bombings were operations perpetrated by the FSB, the successor to the KGB, to justify the second Russian war against Chechnya.

17. Black or unmarked helicopters

The concept became popular in the American militia movement, and in associated political circles, in the 1990s as an alleged symbol and warning sign of a military takeover of part or all of the United States. Rumours would circulate that, for instance, the United Nations patrolled the US with black helicopters, or that federal agents used black helicopters to enforce wildlife laws. In Britain, a similar conspiracy theory known as "phantom helicopters" has been reported since the mid 1970s. This concept relates phantom helicopters to UFOs and alien invasion rather than to martial law.

18. Harold Wilson was a Soviet agent

Soviet defector Anatoliy Golitsyn is thought to have claimed that Wilson was a KGB spy. He further claimed that Hugh Gaitskell was assassinated by the KGB so that he could be replaced as Labour leader by Harold Wilson. Furthermore, former MI5 officer Peter Wright claimed in his memoirs - Spycatcher - that he had been told that Wilson was a Soviet agent. MI5 repeatedly investigated Wilson over the course of several years before conclusively deciding that he had no relationship with the KGB. On the BBC TV programme, The Plot Against Harold Wilson, broadcast in 2006, it was claimed that the military was on the point of launching a coup d'état against Wilson in 1974. Wilson himself told the BBC that he feared he was being undermined by MI5 in the late 1960s after devaluation of sterling and again in 1974 after he narrowly won an election against Edward Heath.

19. The Protocols of the Elders of Zion

Despite being utterly discredited for at least 100 years, belief in this document has proved remarkably resilient on the internet. The text takes the form of an instruction manual to a new member of the "elders," describing how they will run the world through control of the media and finance, and replace the traditional social order with one based on mass manipulation. Scholars generally agree that the Okhrana, the secret police of the Russian Empire, fabricated the text in the late 1890s or early 1900s but belief in it still persists - particularly in the Middle East.

20. The peak oil conspiracy

Peak oil (a theory in itself) is the supposed peak of oil production during and after which demand for oil outstrips supply sending prices through the roof. The peak oil conspiracy theorists believe that peak oil is a fraud concocted by the oil industries to increase prices amid concerns about future supplies. The oil industry is aware of vast reserves of untapped oil, but does not utilise them in order to maintain the illusion of scarcity, they claim.

21. Pearl Harbor was allowed to happen

Theorists believe that President Franklin Roosevelt provoked the Japanese attack on the US naval base in Hawaii in December 1942, knew about it in advance and covered up his failure to warn his fleet commanders. He apparently needed the attack to provoke Hitler into declaring war on the US because the American public and Congress were overwhelmingly against entering the war in Europe. Theorists believe that the US was warned by the governments of Britain, the Netherlands, Australia, Peru, Korea and the Soviet Union that a surprise attack on Pearl Harbor was coming and that, furthermore, the Americans had intercepted and broken all the important Japanese codes in the run up to the attack.

22. The Philadelphia Experiment

Popularised by the Charles Berlitz novel of the same name, conspiracy theorists believe that during an experiment at the Philadelphia Naval Shipyard in October 1943, the US Navy destroyer Eldridge was rendered invisible. According to some accounts, the scientists on the experiment found a way to bend light around an object but that the experiment went wrong and Eldridge was transported through space and time, reappearing at sea. Several sailors, it is said, were badly hurt when the experiment went wrong and some were melded into the ship's superstructure. The US Navy has denied that the experiment ever took place.

23. Pan Am Flight 103

Pan Am Flight 103 was Pan American's third daily scheduled transatlantic flight from Heathrow to New York John F. Kennedy International Airport. On December 21, 1988, the aircraft flying this route - a Boeing 747 - was destroyed by a bomb, killing all 259 people on board and 11 people on the ground. The remains landed around Lockerbie in southern Scotland. A popular theory for which no evidence has been produced suggests that the US Central Intelligence Agency (CIA) had set up a protected drug route from Europe to the United States - allegedly called Operation Corea - which allowed Syrian drug dealers to ship heroin to the US using Pan Am flights. The CIA allegedly protected the suitcases containing the drugs and made sure they were not searched. On the day of the bombing, terrorists exchanged suitcases: one with drugs for one with a bomb. Another version of this theory is that the CIA knew in advance this exchange would take place, but let it happen anyway, because the protected drugs route was a rogue operation, and the American intelligence officers on the flight had found out about it, and were on their way to Washington to tell their superiors.

24. Fluoridation

Fluoride is commonly added to drinking water as a way to reduce tooth decay. However, there has been some evidence that there could be some harmful side effects from fluoride and conspiracy theorists believe that this information is known and recognised by those responsible for adding the fluoride, but that they continue the practice regardless. Drug companies have been targeted as possible beneficiaries, as they will profit from a population with ill-health. Another motive is that fluoride lowers mental abilities thereby "dumbing down" the entire population.

25. The 2004 Indian Ocean tsunami

A popular theory in the Muslim world is that the tsunami could have been caused by an Indian nuclear experiment in which Israeli and American nuclear experts participated. Several newspapers in Egypt and the Middle East alleged that India, in its heated nuclear race with Pakistan, has acquired sophisticated nuclear technology from the US and Israel, both of which "showed readiness to co-operate with India in experiments to exterminate humankind," beginning with the heavily populated Muslim regions of southeast Asia, where the bulk of casualties took place.

26. Plastic coffins and concentration camps

Just outside Atlanta, Georgia, beside a major road are approximately 500,000 plastic coffins. Stacked neatly and in full view, the coffins are allegedly owned by the Federal Emergency Management Agency (Fema). Conspiracy theorists believe that Fema has also set up several concentration camps in the US in preparation for the imposition of a state of martial law and the killing of millions of Americans. They suggest that the financial crisis will be used to justify the imposition of a police state.

27. HAARP

More than 200 miles east of Anchorage, Alaska, is the Pentagon's High-frequency Active Auroral Research Program, officially an enormous experiment to heat the ionosphere with radio waves. But conspiracy theorists believe the project is a weapon to bring down aircraft and missiles by lifting sections of the atmosphere, cause earthquakes or even a huge weather modification machine.

28. The Aids virus was created in a laboratory

Based on the theories of Dr William Campbell Douglass, many believe that that HIV was genetically engineered in 1974 by the World Health Organisation. Dr Douglass believed that it was a cold-blooded attempt to create a killer virus which was then used in a successful experiment in Africa. Others have claimed that it was created by the CIA or the KGB as a means to reduce world population.

29. Global warming is a hoax

Some climate change doubters believe that man-made global warming is a conspiracy designed to soften up the world's population to higher taxation, controls on lifestyle and more authoritarian government. These sceptics cite a fall in global temperatures since last year and a levelling off in the rise in temperature since 1998 as evidence.

30. Chemtrails

Chemtrail conspiracy theorists believe that some contrails, which consist of ice crystals or water vapor condensed behind aircraft, actually result from chemicals or biological agents being deliberately sprayed at high altitude for some undisclosed purpose. The staple of right-wing radio shows in the US, there is fevered speculation that the chemicals being sprayed are part of a wider plot that involves the so-called New World Order and is being directed by shadowy forces within the government. The existence of chemtrails has been repeatedly denied by federal agencies and scientists.


Not on Your Life Part One

The 30 greatest conspiracy theories - part 1

From the assassination of John F Kennedy to the death of Diana, Princess of Wales. From Roswell, New Mexico, to Nasa's moon landings. From the bloodline of Christ to the death of Elvis Presley. Every major event of the last 2,000 years has prompted a conspiracy theory and here we examine those with the biggest followings and the most longevity.

1. September 11, 2001

Thanks to the power of the web and live broadcasts on television, the conspiracy theories surrounding the events of 9/11 - when terrorists attacked the World Trade Centre in New York and the Pentagon in Washington - have surpassed those of Roswell and JFK in traction. Despite repeated claims by al-Qaeda that it planned, organised and orchestrated the attacks, several official and unofficial investigations into the collapse of the Twin Towers which concluded that structural failure was responsible and footage of the events themselves, the conspiracy theories continue to grow in strength.

At the milder end of the spectrum are the theorists who believe that the US government had prior warning of the attacks but did not do enough to stop them. Others believe that the Bush administration deliberately turned a blind eye to those warnings because it wanted a pretext to launch wars in the Middle East to usher in another century of American hegemony. A large group of people - collectively called the 9/11 Truth Movement - cite evidence that an airliner did not hit the Pentagon and that the World Trade Centre could not have been brought down by airliner impacts and burning aviation fuel alone. This final group points to video evidence which they claim shows puffs of smoke - so-called demoliton squibs - emerging from the Twin Towers at levels far below the aircraft impact zones and prior to the collapses. They also believe that, on the day itself, the US air force was deliberately stood down or sent on exercises to prevent intervention that could have saved the lives of nearly 3,000 people.

Many witnesses - including firemen, policemen and people who were inside the towers at the time - claim to have heard explosions below the aircraft impacts (including in basement levels) and before both the collapses and the attacks themselves. As with the assassination of JFK, the official inquiry into the events - the 9/11 Commission Report - is widely derided by the conspiracy community and held up as further evidence that 9/11 was an "inside job". Scientific journals have consistently rejected these hypotheses.

2. The assassination of John F Kennedy

The 35th President of the United States was shot on Friday, November 22, 1963, in Dallas, Texas at 12.30pm . He was fatally wounded by gunshots while riding with his wife - Jacqueline Bouvier Kennedy - in a motorcade. The ten-month investigation of the Warren Commission of 1963 to 1964, the United States House Select Committee on Assassinations (HSCA) of 1976 to 1979, and other government investigations concluded that the President had been assassinated by Lee Harvey Oswald - who was himself shot dead by Jack Ruby while in police custody.

But doubts about the official explanation and the conclusion that Oswald was the lone gunman firing from the Texas Book Depository overlooking Dealey Plaza where Kennedy was hit surfaced soon after the commission report. Footage of the motorcade taken by Abraham Zapruder on 8mm film supported the growing belief that at least four shots were fired - not the three that the Warren Commission claimed. The moments of impact recorded on the film also suggested that at least one of the shots came from a completely different direction to those supposedly fired by Oswald - evidence backed up by testimony of several eye witnesses. Many believed that several shots were fired by gunmen hiding behind a picket fence on a grassy knoll overlooking the plaza.

The assassination is still the subject of widespread speculation and has spawned numerous conspiracy theories, though none of these has been proven. In 1979, the House Select Committee on Assassinations (HSCA) found both the original FBI investigation and the Warren Commission Report to be seriously flawed. The HSCA also concluded that there were at least four shots fired and that it was probable that a conspiracy existed. However, later studies, including one by the National Academy of Sciences, have called into question the accuracy of the evidence used by the HSCA to support its finding of four shots.

3. A flying saucer crashed at Roswell in 1947

The event that kick-started more than a half century of conspiracy theories surrounding unidentified flying objects (UFOs). Something did crash at Roswell, New Mexico, sometime before July 7, 1947 and - at first - the US authorities stated explicitly that this was a flying saucer or disk - as shown by the splash story on that day's Roswell Daily Record, pictured. Numerous witnesses reported seeing metallic debris scattered over a wide area and at least one reported seeing a blazing craft crossing the sky shortly before it crashed. In recent years, witnesses have added significant new details, including claims of a large military operation dedicated to recovering alien craft and aliens themselves, at as many as 11 crash sites, and alleged witness intimidation. In 1989, former mortician Glenn Dennis claimed that he was involved in alien autopsies which were carried out at the Roswell air force base.

The conspiracy theory has been fanned by the US military repeatedly changing its story. Within hours of the army telling reporters that it had recovered a crashed saucer, senior officers insisted that the only thing that had fallen from the sky had been a weather balloon. A report by the Office of the Secretary of the Air Force released in 1995, concluded that the reported recovered material in 1947 was likely debris from a secret government program called Project Mogul, which involved high altitude balloons meant to detect sound waves generated by Soviet atom bomb tests and ballistic missiles.

A second report, released in 1997, concluded that reports of alien bodies were likely a combination of innocently transformed memories of military accidents involving injured or killed personnel, and the recovery of anthropomorphic dummies in military programs like Project High Dive conducted in the 1950s.

Since the late 1990s the debate about Roswell has polarised with several former pro-UFO researchers concluding that the craft was, indeed, part of a US military project and that it was, most likely, some sort of weather balloon. But further evidence has emerged - notably a signed affidavit by Walter Haut, the Roswell Army Air Field public affairs officer who had drafted the initial press release on July 8, 1947. Haut says in the affidavit -signed in 2002 - that he saw alien corpses and a craft and that he had been involved in a military cover up. Haut died in 2005.

4. Nasa faked the moon landings

People who think that the Apollo moon landings were not all that they seemed at the time believe that Nasa faked some or all of the landings. Some of the theories surrounding this subject are that the Apollo astronauts did not land on the Moon; Nasa and possibly others intentionally deceived the public into believing the landings did occur by manufacturing, destroying, or tampering with evidence, including photos, telemetry tapes, transmissions, and rock samples; and that Nasa and possibly others continue to actively participate in the conspiracy to this day.

Those who think that Nasa faked some or all of the landings base their theories on photographs from the lunar surface which they claim show camera crosshairs partially behind rocks, a flag planted by Buzz Aldrin moving in a strange way, the lack of stars over the lunar landscape and shadows falling in different direction. Many commentators have published detailed rebuttals to the hoax claims, and these theories have been generally discounted but belief in them - particularly on the web - persists.

5. The Illuminati and the New World Order

A conspiracy in which powerful and secretive groups (the Illuminati, the Bilderberg Group and other shadowy cabals) are plotting to rule mankind with a single world government. Many historical events are said to have been engineered by these groups with one goal - the New World Order (NWO). The groups use political finance, social engineering, mind control, and fear-based propaganda to achieve their aims. Signs of the NWO are said to be the pyramid on the reverse of the Great Seal of the United States, inset, strange and disturbing murals at Denver International Airport, pictured, and pentagrams in city plans. International organisations such as the World Bank, the IMF, the European Union, the United Nations, and Nato are listed as founding organisations of the New World Order.

6. The Jesus conspiracy

The theory that launched a blockbusting novel (The Da Vinci Code), a film of the same name and a plagiarism battle in the courts (with the authors of the Holy Blood and holy grail). Those who believe in this - and they seem to number in their millions - think that Jesus married Mary Magdalene, had one or more children, and that those children or their descendants emigrated to southern France. Once there, they intermarried with the noble families that would eventually become the Merovingian dynasty, whose special claim to the throne of France is championed today by a secret society called the Priory of Sion.

7. Diana, Princess of Wales, was murdered

Why won't this one go away? Despite an official inquiry that found no evidence of a plot by MI6 or any other entity to murder the princess and Dodi Fayed in 1997, fevered speculation continues. The theory is that rogue elements in the British secret service decided that Diana's relationship with Fayed was a threat to the monarchy and, therefore, to the British state. A plot was hatched in which a white Fiat Uno carrying agents was sent to blind and disorientate driver Henri Paul as he sped through the Paris underpass pursued by photographers. Later, Paul's blood was switched with a sample of somebody who had drunk a lot of alcohol. The trouble with the theory? Not a shred of evidence exists to support it.

8. Elvis Presley faked his own death

What can we say? A persistent belief is that "the King" did not die in 1977. Many fans persist in claiming he is still alive, that he went into hiding for various reasons. This claim is allegedly backed up by thousands of so-called sightings. The main reason given in support of the belief that Presley faked his death is that, on his grave, his middle name Aron is spelt as Aaron. But "Aaron" is actually the genuine middle name for Presley. Apparently, either Presley or his parents tried to change the name to "Aron" to make it more similar to Presley's stillborn twin, Jesse Garon Presley. Two tabloid newspapers ran articles covering the continuing "life" of Presley after his death, in great detail, including a broken leg from a motorcycle accident, all the way up to his purported "real death" in the mid 1990s.

9. Operation Northwoods

A genuine conspiracy involving a plan by the Joint Chiefs of Staff to launch a fake Cuban terror campaign on American soil to persuade the US public to support an invasion against Castro. The plan involved bombings and the simultaneous hijacking and blowing up of American airliners. The operation was quashed by President Kennedy leading many to speculate that it was linked to his assassination a year later. The plan has also been linked by theorists who believe that the September 11, 2001 attacks were a so-called "inside job" because of the use of airliners.

10. MK-ULTRA

The code name for a covert mind-control and chemical interrogation research programme, run by the Office of Scientific Intelligence. The programme began in the early 1950s, continuing at least through the late 1960s, using US citizens as test subjects. Project MK-ULTRA was brought first to wide public attention in 1975 by Congress and by the Rockefeller Commission. Investigative efforts were hampered by the fact that CIA Director Richard Helms ordered all MK-ULTRA files destroyed in 1973. Although the CIA insisted that MK-ULTRA-type experiments were abandoned, CIA veteran Victor Marchetti has stated in various interviews that the agency routinely conducts disinformation campaigns and that CIA mind control research continued. In a 1977 interview, Marchetti specifically called the CIA claim that MK-ULTRA was abandoned a "cover story".

Conspiracy theorists believe that MK-ULTRA was behind many so-called black-ops: Lawrence Teeter, the attorney for Sirhan Sirhan, the man convicted of the assassination of Robert Kennedy, pictured, believed Sirhan was operating under MK-ULTRA mind control techniques. Furthermore, Jonestown, the location in Guyana where members of the Jim Jones cult and Peoples Temple committed mass suicide, was thought to be a test site for MK-ULTRA medical experiments.

11. North American Union

The North American Union (NAU) is a theoretical regional union of Canada, Mexico and the United States similar in structure to the European Union, sometimes including a common currency called the amero. Theorists who believe that the three countries are planning for this believe that it is part of a global conspiracy to set up something called the New World Order (NWO). Officials from all three nations have repeatedly denied that there are plans to create a NAU although the idea has been proposed in academic circles, either as a union or as a North American community as proposed by the Independent Task Force on North America. The amero received support in 1999 from Canadian economist Herbert Grubel, a senior fellow of the Fraser Institute think-tank, in a book entitled The Case for the Amero. Robert Pastor, vice-chairman of the Independent Task Force on North America, supported Grubel's conclusions in his 2001 book Toward a North American Community, stating that: "In the long term, the amero is in the best interests of all three countries".

12. Shakespeare was somebody else

Who really was the English language's greatest writer? Among the numerous alternative candidates that have been proposed Francis Bacon, Christopher Marlowe, William Stanley (6th Earl of Derby) and Edward de Vere (17th Earl of Oxford), are the most popular. Theorists believe there is a lack of evidence proving that the actor and businessman sometimes known as Shaksper of Stratford was responsible for the body of works that bear his name. Very little biographical information exists about Shakespeare.

13. The disappearance of Shergar

On February 8, 1983, a group of men wearing balaclavas and armed with guns turned up at the Ballymany Stud Farm in Co Kildare, Ireland and took a hostage – Jim Fitzgerald, the stud's head groom. "We've come for Shergar," they said. "We want £2m for him." Shergar was arguably the greatest racehorse to have ever lived. But 25 years after he was kidnapped from Ballymany the mystery of exactly what happened to him after he was snatched that night still lingers. The theories are numerous with the IRA, Colonel Gadaffi and the Mafia featuring among the most lurid. One story suggests that the IRA kidnapped the horse for Gadaffi in return for weapons. Another suggests that the New Orleans mafia took him.

14. Paul is dead

“Paul is dead” is an urban legend alleging that Paul McCartney died in a car crash 1966 and was replaced by a look-alike and sound-alike. "Evidence" for McCartney’s death consists of “clues” found among the Beatles’ many recordings. Hundreds have been cited at various times by various people. They include statements allegedly heard when a song is played backwards, symbolism found in obscure lyrics, and ambiguous imagery on album covers. A few of them are well known, such as the fact that McCartney is the only barefooted Beatle and is out of step with the others on the cover of Abbey Road, pictured.

15. The July 7, 2005 Tube bombings

One of the supposed mysteries surrounding the 7/7 attacks is this image, used by several news outlets, of the bombers entering Luton station on their way to London at around 7.20am on July 7. Theorists claim this image is fake because the man in the white hat - believed to be Mohammed Sidique Khan - has been electronically placed on the picture after it was taken. They claim that it shows his arm behind a railing while the rest of his body is in front and that the bar behind his head goes across and in front of his face. Theorists postulate, among other things, that the bombs which went off on the Tube trains were actually under the floors of the vehicles and not in the alleged plotters' back packs.

Cheapy Christmas

Having to count one's pennies is bad enough at any time but even worse at Christmas. The TTel is here to help:

1 Set a limit on spending. You have to be rich to make a really grand anti-materialist gesture à la Nigella (Lawson). One year, she told her children that they could only keep one present: the rest were going to a local children’s hospital. An alternative is to declare a budget. I’ve warned my five children that there’s a £50 ceiling for their main present, though Santa may shove some bits and pieces into their stocking. So far they have taken the disappointment well: the budget is sufficient to get a Sainsbury’s cashmere cardigan (£35) or a Zara Basics belted jacket (£49.99). For discounted toys try www.thetoyshop.com, whose star buys section has an electric guitar reduced from £69.99 to £19.99, Baby Born dolls at £17.50, and Playmobil Pirate ships (£19.99). Under-a-tenner ideas include the following: www.cartoonme.com turns photos of your nearest and dearest into hand-drawn cartoons for £3; a Glana four-photo frame from Ikea is £9.99; cushions from TK Maxx cost £9.99; a four-pack of tulip wine glasses at M&S are currently reduced by 30 per cent, to £9.50.

2 Make your own presents. Christmas mornings this year will resound with cries of “Oh, how lovely”, as people swap apple chutney. My sister has already been hard at work with her copy of Pam Corbin’s Preserves (Bloomsbury, £12.99), making raspberry vinegar, pickled shallots and quince-paste membrillo. I’ll go for preserved lemons: easy, cheap and a nice colour on the shelf; I’ve already stocked up on cheap Kilner jars; www.waresofknutsford.co.uk and www.jbconline.co.uk sell them.

3 Let’s keep bookshops in business. If you want to buy someone a book, the answer is not always Amazon. Find the best price for it on www.find-book.co.uk. WH Smith is selling Jamie’s Ministry of Food for £10, while the Guinness Book of World Records is £9 at Asda.

4 Choose useful presents, but don’t go too far. My sister’s godmother once gave her loo rolls. Oxfam shops are stocking some relatively fun ideas that can’t be deemed useless luxuries, including a Hippo Water Saver for £1.99. Placed in your cistern, it will save roughly a third of the water flushed down the loo; if the recipient looks unconvinced when they unwrap it, tell them it’s an item much-loved by Cate Blanchett. The charity also sells notebooks with recycled bright plastic covers bearing a description of what they used to be – cup, box or bag – at just £2.49 a pop. They also have an ingenious wind-up torch (£19.99) which will never need new batteries – an ideal gift for credit-crunched dads.

5 When it comes to lunch, plan ahead. I wish I had. I’ve missed the boat for raising my own turkey in a plastic coop in the back garden: June or July is the time to install a pullet to give it time to fatten up. Having to kill, draw, hang and pluck the bird would be a downside, but if the financial belt has to be tightened still further, it may appeal next year.

6 Serving Christmas pudding to my children has always been a waste of money; this year I’m copying the chocolate version from Nigella’s Christmas (Chatto & Windus, £25) – essentially it’s a normal cake recipe, except that it’s made in a bowl, steamed for an hour and a half, and served draped with chocolate sauce. That will stop the children hiding the heavy fruit version under their spoons once they’ve got the sixpences (5p bits) out. It is also comparatively cheap to make.

7 Waste nothing. When Sheherazade Goldsmith inadvertently boils the family jumpers, the wife of zillionaire Zac cuts the resulting felt into a cross shape and sews it into pencil holders. Another of the ideas from her Christmas Book (Dorling Kindersley, £16.99) is to pot up cuttings of your best plants. (B&Q sells 23cm terracotta pots for £1.) She decorates labels with glued-on seeds and leaves. Delia’s good at scrimping, too. In Frugal Food (Hodder & Stoughton, £17.99), she recommends using dry cider in place of wine to make coq au vin and boeuf bourguignon – everyone needs a break from turkey – and claims they have turned out “beautifully”. Alternatively, I freeze the dregs in wine bottles for cooking with another time.

8 Go on a booze cruise. Twice a year I head to Calais to stock up as duty on wine in France is 0.02p per bottle, as opposed to £1.46 in the UK. Majestic were the first to offer free Seafrance car ferry trips to customers – alternatively, they give cash back. See www.majesticinfrance.co.uk for details. Oddbins and Sainsbury’s offer similar deals. I went with a girlfriend; between us we spent just over £800 and got £96 back, which paid for the crossing and lunch at Le Channel near the port (four courses €21.50; 0033 32 13 44 230). Majestic’s best cheap blended plonk is Cuvée Richard (white and red) at £1.69. Five years ago, they mostly stocked beer and Liebfraumilch; the range now is much the same as in UK stores.

9 While in Calais, go to a hypermarket. There’s a choice: Auchan and Carrefour, as well as Sainsbury’s. Even with the dire euro exchange rate, there are some good buys: check online at www.auchancalais.com and www.carrefour-calais.com. I load up with cheeses, pâtés, olive oil, apricot jam, tomato concentrate, mustard, vinegar, coffee, madeleines, powdered hazelnuts (good for meringues), lardons, jambon cru fumé, circles of ready-rolled pastry (why can’t you buy them here?), oysters, fresh yeast and tins of Bonduelle peas. Recent best-buys were a giant (32cm) Le Creuset-style cast iron casserole for €55.45, a salmon-sized (60cm) fish kettle for €29.95, and six one-litre preserving jars for €10.92. NB: diesel is still cheaper in France but unleaded isn’t – and I wished I’d bought petrol before going to the supermarket because the Auchan pump gave me a €5-off voucher.

10 Talking of money-off vouchers, dedicated discount hunters can chase up the best deals by going to www.myvouchercodes.co.uk. Yesterday, they were showing 15 per cent off first orders over £25 from Littlewoods and 20 per cent off clothes from Asos.

11Raid your garden. I was given a magnificent home-grown lettuce by a friend for my birthday recently – and couldn’t have been more thrilled. Complete with roots and wrapped in cellophane (see tip 19), it doubled as a table decoration until I had finished nibbling it.

12 The best gifts can be free. Famously thrifty pensioner Gay Cossins once asked each of her children for “just one hour of your time”. Each of them agreed to do a job for her , such as clearing out her food cupboard and helping her sort her wardrobe. A pledge to clean someone’s car would be similar gift. Get tickets for a favourite BBC show from www.bbc.co.uk/tickets (sadly, under-18s can’t go to Top Gear); ask for free samples when buying something from a cosmetics counter (they make great stocking fillers); or give away some of your treasures. I was thrilled when my sister gave me a dress she no longer wears.

13 Give presents that will provide hours of pleasure… How about “three-for-two” paperbacks this year? A more extravagant option that should ensure warm feelings all year is a subscription to a favourite magazine; cheap deals are available from www.discountpublications.co.uk (eg, National Geographic for a year for £29) or www.qualitymagazines.co.uk (eg, Harpers Bazaar for £24.99). A bottle of perfume lasts for ages, and you can get it cheap from www.fragrancedirect.co.uk or halfpriceperfumes.co.uk . Find discount make-up at www.feelunique.com.

14... or gifts that support a good cause. Chit Chat is a double CD of interviews conducted for a talking newspaper for the blind, with old favourites (living and dead) including Peter Ustinov, Yehudi Menuhin and Spike Milligan. All proceeds go to Fight for Sight Eye Research (£10 inc p&p from Wienerworld, 020 8206 1177, www.wienerworld.com ).

15 Make your own tree decorations. With a bit of effort and know-how, you can dress a tree on the cheap. Among the ideas on www.save-money-guide.com is one for wrapping up chocolate biscuits and sweets in silver foil and hanging them from the tree; it works best if there are no dogs in the house. Children can make little hard iced biscuits that make good tree decorations if dotted with silver baubles. If you’re not draping it in lights, make paper chains with pages torn from glossy magazines. Oranges look good, too, when turned into pomanders: stick cloves into the skin, and suspend them with ribbon. Make hearts by bending gardening wire and wrapping ribbon round it. Stars can be made by bending twigs into two triangles and tying them together. Make your own angels using sheepswool stuffing from craft suppliers myriadonline.co.uk

16 Don’t forget the jokes. The most memorable presents are often the cheap, silly ones like Smiffy’s extendable fork for pinching food from others’ plates (£4.50 from many joke shops, including www.the-joke-shop.com). Hawkin’s Bazaar (www.hawkin.com, 0844 5734000) has Gelli Baff (£4.99) which turns bath water into coloured goo (and then back into bath water). Another cheap bath joy is a glowing LED “glow in the duck” (£4.79) from crazyaboutgadgets.com; they also sell reindeer mugs with noses that light-up when you put a hot drink in them (£5.59).

17 Share the cost of Christmas by gathering as many members of the family together as you can. Each person can provide one element – the turkey, booze, puddings, etc. You could also set up a Secret Santa scheme. Each person buys a gift for one other person, chosen by ballot, spending to an agreed limit. Alternatively, make opening cheap treats more fun by putting them, wrapped, into a festively-decorated dustbin filled with shredded newspaper and turning present-giving into a Lucky Dip.

18 Christmas cards are a major expense. Send free ones online via ecards.co.uk. Or take a child’s drawing along to a Prontaprint: at my local branch, 100 cards with envelopes costs £62.71 inc VAT. More expensive but memorable: print your own photo with personalised message, £6 for 4 from Moonpig.com. Or make your own using coloured card (100 A5 sheets: £3.79 from www.viking-direct.co.uk) and potato cuts. (NB December 18th is the last day for second class postage.) I’ve never made an online calendar but I’m impressed when I receive one. Vistaprint.co.uk is selling wall calendars half price (from £4.99). The cheapest delivery option is 21 days: £3.08 for one calendar, £3.78 for 10. Or make a calendar of your favourite recipes, £10 plus p&p from www.mydish.co.uk.

19 Wrapping is another money guzzler but there are alternatives to expensive sheets and ridiculously short rolls. Use up left-over bits of wallpaper – not only is it decorative, it doesn’t rip when children inspect what’s under the tree. Alternatively, you can get a 300m roll of brown paper from www.rajapack.co.uk for £19.59. I go to my local wholesale flower market for big florists’ packs of tissue paper but you can get 240 sheets for £6.99 from floristsuppliesuk.com. From the same source you can get 250 yards of thin curling ribbon for £0.75, and various kinds of fancy cellophane (from £10.56 for 120m). Add a touch of gold: a can of spray paint (£4.99 from www.londongraphics.co.uk) will jazz up everything from twigs and pine cones to walnuts and apples.

20 I’m hopeless at decorating but Liz Bauwens – whose book Thrifty Chic comes out in March – has some good ideas. She makes door wreaths by cutting supple twigs from the garden – willow is bendiest – and binding them at regular intervals with wire. Disguise the wire with ribbon or raffia. Cheap baubles from a pound shop will add sparkle. She makes her own bigger baubles by winding coloured ribbon (see tip 19) around plain polystyrene baubles (10 x 50mm balls for £2.49 from www.craftsuperstore.co.uk). She secures the end with a coloured drawing pin and hangs them in groups.

21 Holly is always expensive and hard to find but Posy Gentles, interiors expert and cash-strapped mother of four, finds good substitutes in local hedgerows. Rose hips are abundant, as are hawthorn berries. She also uses old man’s beard, a variety of wild clematis, to drape as fake snow from her tree. Make a few showy flowers go further by floating them in a dish as a centrepiece, as Sarah Raven suggests in her Complete Christmas (Bloomsbury, £25). Grapes dipped in egg white and sugar make a glistening centrepiece.

22 Cheap lights work out expensive: once one bulb goes the whole lot is useless. This year I’ve invested £69.99 in 10m (100 bulbs) of heavy-duty LED lights that won’t give up on me and are cheap to run (0845 370 0333, www.xmasdirect.co.uk). Make your home twinkle with 8-hour nightlights (£6.16 for 100 from www.klaremont.com).

23 What to wear? My children have rumbled that the label “Atmosphere” means clothes have come from Primark, so I can no longer expect whoops of delight and they are suspicious if I cut out the labels. However, Ugg boots are cheaper this year than they have been for 10 years because the Australian dollar is low (AUS$2.3 to £1). A short pair is £40, plus £10 p&p, from uggbootsrus.com. Also, www.shopzilla.co.uk lists clothes for under £20. And there’s always www.asos.com for cheap versions of designer items. If in doubt wear red. It’s cheering, no more expensive than dreary black and Michelle Obama has given it the seal of approval by wearing it when she was shown around the White House. Research shows that men are more generous to women who wear red. When life gets gloomy I pull on some red suede Footgloves from M&S (£39.50).

24 Relax cheaply. Doing a jigsaw is a great way to unwind. I immerse myself in a 1,000-piece puzzle every Christmas. This year, I’ve ordered a Mona Lisa from editionsricordi.com for €15.99 . The Jigsaw Gallery (01420 525515, www.jigsawgallery.com) also has a huge selection. Or you can make a jigsaw from a photograph through www.fabulousphotogifts.co.uk. Or play a board game. The new Cleudo (£14.99) is a hit in my house. “Colonel Mustard with the lead piping in the library” has given way to “ageing football star Jack Mustard with a baseball bat in the home cinema”, but it’s just as much fun. If that palls, watch It’s a Wonderful Life. I found it for £11.98 (£6 off the RRP) at Amazon.

25 If you want to get out, head for the nearest wind/rain-swept hill or beach. Or find a half-price restaurant meal deal from toptable.co.uk. If you must escape abroad, check out www.traveljungle.co.uk.

Silent Night Rules on Oxford Street

Debenhams in Oxford Street has been banned from playing Christmas carols after council bosses said the music created "noise pollution". Council officials have ordered managers at the department store not to broadcast the festive music that traditionally accompanies its popular window display, and threatened it with prosecution if it does not comply.

A council scrooge guffed:

"If every business was allowed to blast its choice of music and advertising into Oxford Street a visit would become unbearable and inevitably affect trade."

How odd, when the store offered to turn down the volume which was still rejected by the council, fearing that broadcasting into the street could "negatively affect trade". However, the killjoys are not alone:

Birmingham City Council has already been accused of being the stingiest in Britain after putting up a 5ft, undecorated and rather dilapidated tree in a public square, warning that if they put lights on it, it might fall over.

Last year Northampton Borough Council scrapped its Christmas lights because it wanted to lower its carbon footprint and claimed the bulb were not energy efficient.

Southampton City Council even banned a lollipop lady from donning her traditional fancy dress to celebrate school children breaking up for Christmas, even though she had been doing it for 20 years. They said she was breaching health and safety regulations.

Sad.

He's BEHIND You

It must be coming up to Panto season back in that there Britland.

Never got on with has-been "Z" raters prancing about on stage with all that cross-dressing (blurks play ugly burds and fit burds play a blurk?) screaming brats and enforced joviality is not my idea of a fun time out.

Bah, humbug.

Executive Set Lunch

We returned to the restaurant we had visited on our first trip to Georgetown (when we were looking for a new home) yesterday and had the most amazing lunch. They offer a set menu giving you a choice of