Following the new policy to charge victims for conducting forensic tests on stolen vehicles, Chief Dibble Blurky has released a new list of costs/provisos for certain other police services:
- Asking for directions: One to five donuts depending on complexity of number of turns involved
- Crowd control at football matches: Minimum of twenty box seats, including hospitality for Senior Rozzers for the rest of the season
- Theft of valuable items: 15% of the total value of purloined items (excluding video recorders and non-flat screen TVs as they are now worthless)
- Homicide: Only investigated with the victim's written consent; no exceptions
- Gambling: 25% of the table value + £1000 on top, like, guv'nor
- Non licenced consumption of alcohol: Two bottles of liquor per investigating officer and an extra case of beer for the boys back at the local nick
- Persecution of speeders and conforming to new green* policies will still remain free of charge as these are by far the most heinous of crimes known to mankind
A special introductory offer during UK summer months will be a "pay for any two items and get one free", provided that offences are reported during normal working hours- 10.30 am to 3.00 pm (excluding lunch break: 12.00 pm to 2.00 pm)
* List includes use of hose pipe between the months of February to November (inclusive), over filling of refuse bins, exceeding the maximum number of cases taken to the airport, fishing, riding of a motorcycle, jay walking to name but a few...
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