Thursday, 29 March 2007

Does my Bum Look Big in This?

Recent research now reveals that British women believe a standard size 12 is too fat.

So, if that is true, the answer to the title question just has to be: "No love, you've just got a fat arse and it is big in everything."

:oD

Note: The national average is size 16 in the UK

Southend back in the Limelight*

A registered sex offender admitted to voyeurism at Southend Crown Court and has been ordered to wear a fluorescent jacket* when going out at night to prevent him from spying on potential victims.

Quite literally "be safe, be seen" then.







*Come on, that was quite good...

** Update- The Gurkhas **

Taken from The Times:

Gurkha veterans who fought for Britain have marched on Parliament to demand equal pensions.

Thousands of retired soldiers from Nepal on small pensions live in poverty. A recent Government announcement on citizenship rights and fairer pensions will not apply to veterans. The 22,000 Gurkhas who retired before 1997 are prevented from having the right to live in the UK or help with pensions.

About 2,500 retired servicemen joined the protest in Westminster, many wearing their war medals. Some claim they have to survive on £23 a month. They marched to the Cenotaph where a wreath was laid in honour of Gurkhas who died while fighting for Britain, and stopped at No. 10 with a letter for Mr Blair.

Utterly disgraceful the way these brave men are being treated.

Birthday Greetings

Go out today to our old mate Tony and to yet another pal Dave tomorrow.

Dave- the car just rocked after you had breathed on it. Top job.

Wednesday, 28 March 2007

If You Don't Ask...



'Nuff said.

And In Case You Are Missing Us Already


Yes, yes I know it's not real- who ever saw a penguin with a hand bag? Still a cute picture though.

Intermission

We'll be off air (or at least "new" posts will be a little more sporadic than usual) for the next week or so as we will be having a guest from the UK coming to stay with us.

I'm sure you'll welcome the break to enjoy real life instead of listening to me chunder on so until next week, have fun everyone- we're going to.

ktelontour

But not in England- we couldn't afford it.

British hotels are the most expensive in entire Europe, with an average overnight stay in a London hotel now costing £107. The cost has risen by 22% since last year.

Incredible- a night on the town and the price of a bed is over a hundred quid.

I think we'll stick to travelling the rest of the world; at least you don't get ripped off so shamefully.

Fine News Indeed

Parking in the UK? This may be of interest:

— More than eight million tickets were issued in 2005, one for every three cars

— In London more than five million tickets were issued. Westminster Council raised £65 million from parking

— Nationally, motorists paid out more than £1.2 billion (that is £1.2 000 000 000 000!) in parking fines

— As many as one in five tickets may be issued invalidly

— Fewer than 0.5 per cent are referred to the parking adjudicator – yet two thirds of appeals are successful


Data taken from The Times

I Spy With My Big Eye

London has approved the plan to spend £12 million on a satellite (due to launch in 2011) which will negate the need for mobile phone masts.

It also appears to have the capability to monitor motorists from space.

There is no need to comment any further.

Handy

Using your mobile phone without a hands free kit in the car is no longer a fine of £60 but it now also carries a three point penalty on your licence.

Since the introduction of the new penalties last month, over 6 500 people have been caught at a rate of 240 per day.

I find this very hard to believe. Where are the coppers on the street to catch the offenders? Almost all of them have been replaced by a GATSO scamera.

See No Evil, Hear No Evil, Speak No Evil

The names of the three wise monkeys are Mizaru, Kikazaru and Iwazaru.

Tuesday, 27 March 2007

Why Don't They Have?

Washing machines that have a weight sensor so that you cannot over load your machine?

Seems like an obvious thing to incorporate into the design to me- too much stuff and the it just doesn't go.

You heard it here first.

Hanging on the Telephone

Average age of a new mobile phone owner in 2000? Seventeen (17)

Average age of a new mobile phone owner in 2007? Twelve (12)

Now I am starting to feel old...

Monday, 26 March 2007

Crash Landing

Not something I'd ordinarily mention on here, but a plane made an emergency landing and crash landed safely when its undercarriage failed.

The reason for my interest? It was at Southend Airport- our old stomping ground back in England and we had a few chums in the control tower there. Well done to all concerned.

Cool Britannia

Unicef has just declared that Britain is the worst country in the developed world for a child to grow up in.

Good old BLiar...

:-(

Another Addition To Our Recommended Links

If it's bikes you like and you want to keep up with the latest news, reports and results you can always search out the motor sports pages of a number of dedicated sites or maybe the national papers.

Alternatively, you could simply visit [Mad TV] by following the link listed on the RHS of our home page or by clicking here:

[Mad TV] The Blog

Great writing and well worth keeping an eye on not just for motorcycles. Enjoy.

Ship Shape

I used to swim a bit when we lived in England. Nothing competitive; merely to keep fit and do some exercise.

When I used to work in an office, we had a large swimming pool a mere five minute walk away and I used to use the facilities around two to three times a week, churning out the lengths. I ended up swimming a good couple of miles a week, which definitely helped keep in shape.

So I usually pause whilst flicking through the channels if they show any type of swimming just to watch the techniques or to marvel at how it's really done. Currently they are having a championship in Melbourne, Australia and I had a quick look on Eurosport.

Wifey: "Cor- look at those bodies; the wide shoulders, the narrow, trim waist- the perfect triangle."

Me: "Aye, they have got great bods. You know, I used to have a triangular physique too when I used to do all that swimming."

Wifey: "Yes, dear". *pat on head*



"But yours was upside down."

Sunday, 25 March 2007

The Humble Web Log

Or "Blog" as it is universally known, seems to be on its way out.

Last October (2006) apparently 100 000 new blogs were being created every day however, predictions suggest that the trend is on the wane; and that 2007 will see it level off.

It seems most blogs are abandoned simply because their authors run out of things to say, have not got the time to write or have moved on to alternative forms of entertainment.

A blog is officially announced as defunct if the author(s) has/have not posted in two months.

No such luck here then, folks.

Sorry.

BBC 3

Gets an annual budget of £93 000 000 from the money you pay for the licence fee.

The BBC feels such programmes as:

- Fuck Off, I’m a Hairy Woman
- Fuck Off, I’m Ginger
- My Big Breasts and I
- My Penis and Everyone Else’s

are what you, the viewers, expect and considers it money well spent on quality viewing.

A spokesbod said, "Although these shows have a hard-hitting, provocative title, it does not mean their content is in any way less public service."

Sometimes I really do miss English TV...

Hhheeeeeeeyyyyyyyy Maaaaannnn- I've Got a Stinking Cold

Ever wondered why you feel better if you have a cold and take Lemsip, Day Nurse and Benylin? It's because the decongestant contained in them is pseudoephedrine and it is used in the manufacture of crystal meth, a class A drug favoured by over twelve million users in America alone.

Now there are proposals to make these cold and cough remedies available only with a prescription from your doctor.

Great idea- let's flood our over worked GPs with patients and their trivial ailments to get a prescription for some cough sweets.


Right, now where's me pack of Tunes and Vic's nasal inhaler, I need cheering up...

Disabled Parking

Is another real pet hate of mine, where you see selfish bastards parking up in dedicated spaces to save themselves a few metres walk. "Oh, it'll be all right, I'm only gone a few minutes..."

Just because you are without a brain does not entitle you to use the disabled space. >:(

Parking Lot(s)

As we've been on a sporting theme today, we'll carry on.

Chelsea and Westminster hospital allows Chelsea football fans to park in its car park when their team plays at home (Stamford Bridge).

Nice gesture you may think, especially as they also offer a discounted rate of a mere £10* for four hours.

However, patients at the hospital utilising the same car park over the same period must pay the full price of £12.50**.


I wonder if they allow the fans to use the disabled spaces too- I mean, it's not as if anyone really needs them at a hospital, do they? Perhaps they also offer out the air ambulance landing pad for Abramovich's personal helicopter?

OK, *£10/ 4 hours is fine @ £2.50/hour, but **£12.50/ 4 hours is £3.125/hour. How does that go into the meter?

But on a Happier Note?

England's cricketers take a not too surprising victory against Kenya and book their place in the "Super Eights".

Again, ordinarily I'd be filled with more enthusiasm about the World Cup but following the horrific news about Bob Woolmer's murder, I just can't muster up any emotion bar sadness.

Sorry.





World Cup Group C, St Lucia:
England 178-3 (33 overs) beat Kenya 177 (43 overs) by seven wickets

Tails You Lose

Well, not quite but England's lack lustre 0-0 bore draw with Israel in Tel Aviv last night hardly helped their qualifying ambitions.

Their solitary point leaves them firmly in third place of their qualifying group (E) and it's looking tough as only the first two teams automatically go through to the finals next year.

Ordinarily, I'd be having loads of fun deriding England's loss and bigging up Germany's victory, but they say it's wrong to kick a man when he's down, so I'll just leave you with the match report and no further comment.

More details here:

England's Shite Excuse

Heads You Win

The German football team faced a tough challenge against the Czech Republic in Prague last night.

Both teams had equal points and were tied in top place of their qualifying group (D) without having lost a game to date.

I'm glad (and relieved) to report that the Germans managed to win the game 1-2 with Kevin Kuranyi back in the national side and scoring both goals.

More details here:

Outstanding German Victory

Saturday, 24 March 2007

The Ace of Spades

Contrary to popular (and misguided) belief, "heavy metal music" is not music for the brain dead, but in fact quite the opposite.

The top five percent of young, intellectual people questioned said that they preferred bands such as AC/DC and Iron Maiden. Further research revealed that instead of their musical tastes being a sign of delinquency and poor academic ability, many long haired rockers were extremely bright.

Having seen both the above mentioned bands live and many, many more in the same genre I most certainly agree. :oD


Data taken from the survey of 1,057 members of the National Academy for Gifted and Talented Youth - a body whose 120,000 student members are within the top five per cent academically in the 11-19 age range.

Big Ears Goes To Town

Good old Prince Charles has decided to turn over a new (green) leaf by taking the public train to do his bit to reduce those nasty emissions everyone is squawking about.

A spokesman said that it was something they were trying to do- travel by car or rail instead of using the helicopter.

However, he doesn't appear to have quite got the hang of this yet.

His chauffeur had driven the prince's car down anyway as he had another appointment afterwards; a whole nine miles away.


How can we expect this family to rule the country if they are not even on the same planet as us?

Barking Mad

Four German shepherd dogs were nicked from a yard in Southampton that they were meant to be guarding.

True story, I kid you not.

Priceless. :-D

Whilst Out Shopping

Basking in the Adriatic sun, we walked back along the Marina and suddenly heard this terrific noise. As we got closer we observed a helicopter had landed at the far side of the harbour and it was in the process of getting ready to take off.

This is not something one sees everyday of the week so we strolled over (everyone strolls; no one rushes, runs, marches- it's all far too strenuous and non-European) and we managed to get within 30 odd metres of the chopper.

No sooner had we gained our vantage point did it take off and it was quite the magnificent sight. I expected it to rise vertically and then glide off, but it seemed to just veer directly upwards at approximately forty five degrees and at a surprising turn of speed. Definitely not European either.

It then shot off into the distance and we were about to head off back home, when the 'copter banked around and swooped back along the water, barely above the frothing waves, directly at us. It passed us over head at what seemed to be a few metres (but undoubtedly was much higher) and then swung over the prestigious "Marina Hotel" behind us and then up, up and away.

Really quite a spectacle and quite possibly the nearest we have ever been to a fully functioning helicopter.

Technical Note: For the spotters out there, the "bird" was a green one so undoubtedly quick, with flat ski like thingies at the bottom and a big whirly thing attached to the roof. It also had a smaller whirly thing stuck on the back of the long bit. It had a few windows and a slidey door.

Friday, 23 March 2007

Well, Well, Well

Local authorities spend more on compensating road users for damage caused by potholes than they do on filling them in.

The authorities also spend a quarter of their road maintenance budgets on "temporary" repairs which usually last only a few days before the pothole reappears.

Such efficiency is breathtaking...



Councils in England and Wale (excluding London) spent £37 million on potholes and £43 million on compensation.

GSOH...


Raising the Age Limits

As of October 2007, you will need to be eighteen to purchase tobacco. Currently it is just sixteen, the same age that you are legally entitled to leave school.

Coincidentally, there are now plans afoot to increase the school leaver's age to eighteen too, and to "encourage" teenagers to stay in school (or on a suitable training scheme) it will be made a criminal offence not to comply.

On the spot fines (£50) or, for persistent offenders, community sentences will be imposed. Confiscation of driving licences may also be considered.

I'm all for education should the person show interest or willing, but to possibly end up with a criminal record for bunking off school? Oh dear- so much for freedom of choice...


Currently, it is the parents that face criminal prosecution if they fail to ensure that a child under 16 goes to school. The new measures will shift the legal responsibility on to the young person and will be in place by 2015.

The Water's Off

It seems that hosepipe bans are no longer cutting it and so expect other types of water rationing. The filling of hot tubs, splash pools and swimming pools are to be introduced and expect to be ratted out by your neighbours if you go against the bans.

Did you know that "tens of thousands of people" grassed (sic) on the folks next door if they watered their lawns at night?

I wholeheartedly agree that we must preserve our water supplies, but come on- informing on others? That's all getting a bit Gestapo for my liking, but then again, hardly surprising. Isn't this what the government wants? More surveillance, more insight, more control?

However, my biggest grouse is with the water companies themselves. They are losing millions of litres of water from their leaking and decrepit pipes and yet seem to be above the law by doing dick all about fixing them.

That is criminal.

Truly Shocking News

I cannot even begin to believe the latest news from the West Indies and the 2007 Cricket World Cup.

Pakistan's cricket coach Bob Woolmer was murdered in his hotel room on Sunday after the team's World Cup shock defeat to Ireland, Jamaican police say.

A post-mortem examination established that the former England player had died as a result of "manual strangulation", police commissioner Lucius Thomas said.

"In these circumstances, the matter of Mr Woolmer's death is now being treated as murder," he told a news conference.

Police say Mr Woolmer may have known his killer or killers.

Mr Woolmer, 58, was found unconscious by staff at the Pegasus Hotel in Kingston on Sunday morning.

Full story here:

BBC News

As They Say in Poland

" Don't do business with family. Family is to look good on the pictures"

Thanks to "monial" for supplying that rather nice proverb; it really made me smile.

Happy Birthday Dovey

Exactly what it says on the tin- many happy returns of the day to an old pal that has on so many occasions tried to kill me through alcohol poisoning that it's amazing he's still a free man.

You couldn't hope to meet a more wonderful blurk, but if you do happen to bump into him, try to avoid going out for a quick drink with him.

He will be late (you'll be lucky he even gets the right day, never mind the time you've arranged to meet), it will be anything but quick and it will definitely hurt you in some way the next day.

Raising a (small) glass to you, S...

:o)

Wednesday, 21 March 2007

At Last

A real dislike of mine has always been the way that when advertisements are shown on television, the volume rises automatically from the previous level of the programme you have just been watching. It is wholly frustrating, irritating and unnecessary.

Finally, TV watchdogs (do they have these for radio too I wonder; or do they just listen?) are to take action against the offending broadcasters.

The Advertising Standards Authority are looking into this practice and they requesting that you contact them with any examples of "volume surge" that you may have encountered during advert breaks.

Good, and we'll be back shortly after this quick break:

Qatar Airways- bloody marvellous to fly with...

Easy Come, Easier Go

Government departments who have had to improve efficiency through cutting staff have found a novel way to ensure the workload is still manageable. They employ temporary staff instead.

This year alone it has cost them nearly 160 million quid.

Don't you just love the Civil Service?

Actual figure is £158 860 098 and since Labour came into power in 1997, the increase in temp workers has risen by 1 400%!

Well Said

There is always more misery among the lower classes than there is humanity in the higher.

Victor Hugo- Les Miserables, 1862
French dramatist, novelist, & poet (1802 - 1885)

Chelsea, An Apology

To all the Chelsea fans who occasionally wander off track and end up here, I'd just like to apologise for the shameful way one of your players was attacked on the pitch at White Hart Lane.

The excuse of losing 1-2 in the FA Cup replay does not condone the actions of an idiot masquerading as a fan and he has rightfully been given a life-long ban from the ground and the police have charged him for encroaching and on suspicion of assault.

Good- I hope he gets all he deserves.

The Empire Does Strike Back

The merchandising empire, that is.

The sale of Star Wars related toys is so profitable that purely the profits alone could have paid for all six films, three times over.

Some Force...

Off Peak Prices to Hit Higher Peaks

Discounted train travel, to ease the burden of over crowded commuter trains during the so-called rush "hour", is to be scrapped.

South West Trains plan to charge a blanket fare on all trains arriving into London up to 12.49 pm. Expect other regional lines to follow suit and hike up their prices by a similar 20%.

All perfectly acceptable to the government that is so concerned about CO2 emissions that it is encouraging people to use public transport as a viable alternative to driving their own cars...

Tuesday, 20 March 2007

Is it a Bird, Is it a Plane?

Is it just me that is disappointed?


Twenty one years after Chernobyl and we still have no superheroes?

:oD

A Knotty Problem

A school in Manchester has banned the standard tie on the grounds of health and safety and pupils will now be expected to wear a clip-on instead.

How about being really forward thinking and banning ties altogether? This is the 21st century, after all.

Virtual Road Rage?

Research is now suggesting that kids playing racing games before taking their driving test will make them more aggressive.

"Game players who are encouraged to race, crash into other vehicles and speed along the pavement are more likely to take risks when driving for real"*

Yeah, right. I played "Sonic the Hedgehog" and I don't recall jumping for gold rings every time I went out for a walk.

I can just imagine the examiner asking the Highway Code question at the end:

"What is the correct procedure when approaching a traffic light that is on amber?"

"Er, check mirror to ensure I am not being tailed by the filth, mount the pavement to beat the lights and floor the mutha fukka- bonus points for killing/maiming pedestrians and also for any smash and grab articles thieved on route."



*Quote taken from the study published in Journal of Experimental Psychology.

Monday, 19 March 2007

It's Friday, It's Five to Five and...

It's not Crackerjack. Actually it's not Friday either, it is in fact Monday, but the time was accurate.

16:55, the kids are all back from school and they are showing a trailer for a forthcoming movie premiere for tomorrow night.

Two spoken references to the word "fuck" within the thirty second clip and off we go back to the second part of the programme.

How's that for a healthy attitude?

Cockta- It's NOT the Real Thing...


Cockta

If you're passing through Slovenia and we truly hope you do, given the opportunity, whatever happens do not buy a "Cockta" under the mistaken thought it may be a DIY Coke or Dr Pepper.

It is an entirely unique drink with the basic ingredient coming from the dog rose berry and eleven other herbs plus lemon and orange and it does not contain caffeine nor orthophosphoric acid.

To try and describe its taste without using the adjectives "vile", "disgusting" and "vomit-inducing" is mere folly, but I'll attempt to anyway.

"Cockta"- it tastes like a fizzy, melted dog turd...but worse. You have been warned.

RIP Bob Woolmer

The Pakistan coach and ex-England Test player Bob Woolmer, died last night after being found unconscious in his hotel room in Jamaica. He suffered from a medical condition, but the exact details of the cause of death are not clear yet.

The 58-year-old former South Africa coach played for England between 1975 and 1981, making his Test debut for England against Australia in July 1975. His coaching career also saw him take charge of South Africa and Warwickshire.


Follow Up:

Andrew Flintoff, the current England vice-captain has been named as one of the players who involved in the post-match drinking spree. It appears he got busted after falling off his pedalo and then getting into difficulties once he hit the water. He has been sacked from his position as the number two in the team and dropped from the next game.

The remaining players who also spent the night on the tiles were: James Anderson, Liam Plunkett and Jon Lewis, batsman Ian Bell and wicket-keeper Paul Nixon.


World Cup Group C, St Lucia: England 279-6 beat Canada 228-7 by 51 runs- a win, but not the most emphatic of victories...

Sunday, 18 March 2007

Staying With the Cricket

Following England's game with New Zealand, the professionalism of some of the players has been called into question as some of the guys went on the lash until the small hours of the morning. And a victory they were most certainly not celebrating.

Not exactly the most heinous of crimes by a long chalk, but certainly not the cleverest thing to do either, if you have another qualifier to get through and you are due to play in the heat and humidity of the Caribbean (St Lucia). Re-hydration is an absolute necessity under these conditions.

England's management were quick to react however, with all involved players being fined.Mind you, what appears to have been omitted is exactly who was involved- I am hardly a fan of naming and shaming but why should all players fall under suspicion?

I mean, it's not as if a bad performance is indicative of who's been out on the pop. That being the case they'd all be guilty.

And Speaking of Shock Results

Ireland beat Pakistan in the cricket World Cup!

Close on the heels of their miraculous draw with Zimbabwe, the Irish took full advantage of playing on St Patrick's Day and beat Pakistan, ranked fourth in the tournament.

Whilst not quite sure of a place in the next round yet, Ireland have guaranteed that Pakistan are now out of the tournament and will be flying home after their last group match.

Good luck to the Irish- who knows how far they'll get, but already this is nothing short of incredible.



Final result: World Cup Group D, Jamaica.
Ireland 133-7 beat Pakistan 132 by three wickets

The Weekend's Results

Spurs won. No really, I kid you not.

And our goal keeper, Paul Robinson, scored from just outside of his own penalty area- fully 80 yards.

So we scramble up to sixth place in the Premiership, just in time to meet Chelsea in the FA Cup replay this week and go out in glorious fashion, because there is no way we're going to get a result at White Hart Lane.

As to Southend United and Armenia Bielefeld it will take more than a minor miracle for either to avoid relegation this year.


Football, it's just full of little ups and big downs...

A Taxing Problem

You work hard all your life and you are encouraged to save for a rainy day.

So you do, and over time you manage to squirrel away a bit extra in the bank in case of emergency or simply to enjoy in your later years, because let's face it, your state pension is hardly going to keep you now, is it?

So why is it that you have to pay tax on your savings- and this is from money you have already paid tax on in the first place? Not just once, but every single year!

How on earth can that be justified?

Mothering Sunday

Is today and whilst I am not a huge fan of corporate contrived celebration days, I do fully agree that all mothers are wonderful.

So, let's take a moment to fully appreciate just how lucky we are to have such great mums and wish them a enjoyable and relaxing "special" day.

Thanks to ours- we couldn't have done it without you.

Saturday, 17 March 2007

St Patrick

It seems that almost two thirds of people who "celebrate" St Patrick's day haven't the first idea who or what he actually represents.

So, to help out those that need an excuse to "go for the 'craic'" with an abundance of Guinness, here's a potted history of the priest:

  • He was most famous for driving out the snakes from Ireland and eventually was made a bishop.
  • This tale is considered to symbolise the conversion to Christianity, and St Patrick is usually associated with the shamrock plant, which he utilised to explain the concept of the Holy Trinity.
  • 17th March is thought to the anniversary of his death, and he was born in Roman Britain.
  • He became the patron saint of Ireland by the Eighth Century.

Welcome to the other third of the population.

Meanwhile Back at Wembley

As many as 60 000 people will test turnstiles and escalators as part of the safety certificate which Wembley must gain before hosting a capacity, public event, including the 2007 FA Cup Final.

The highlight of the day will be in getting all visitors to collectively flush the stadium toilets at the same time.

A kind of synchronised cistern show down then. :o)

Here's hoping they will be able to take the piss...

The Cricket World Cup

2007 sees the West Indies host this tournament to determine just who is the best in the world, and so far some of the results have been quite astonishing. Highlights include:

  • Ireland tying with Zimbabwe- both teams scoring exactly 221 runs in 50 overs, when Zimbabwe looked to be in command with only 15 needed from the last 36 balls and four wickets intact. The luck of the Irish most certainly holding out there.
  • Herschelle Gibbs making World Cup history by smashing six sixes in one over, the only person to have ever done so. (The legendary Sir Garfield Sobers and India's Ravi Shastri have also managed this feat but this was in first class cricket, not in a limited overs competition.)
  • *England scoring only 209- 7 in their fifty overs. New Zealand managed 210- 4

*Nothing at all unusual here, England lost, but at least you can wave the flag without fear of arrest now.

NOTE: If you ain't English, this post about cricket will make absolutely no sense to you whatsoever. It probably won't help the girlies either, but hey, this is topical, OK? :oD

Non-Smoking Sections

In bars, pubs and restaurants.

Bit like having a pissing section in a swimming pool, isn't it?

They Say

Never mix the grape with the grain.

So how do you explain "Alpen"?

St Patrick's Day

In honour of the day, just remember:

There is no such thing as a ''quiet drink'' with an Irish mate.

Hope you all have a grand old day on the Guinness.

:-D

A Drop of the Green* Stuff

Seeing as it's St Patrick's day* today.

After a motorcyclist broke down on his brand new bike, he called out his recovery service.

They duly turned up within their published response time of four days, er, hours later and diagnosed the guy had run out of fuel. Oops.

(Note: this is not against the law in the UK as it is in Germany for example)

Being the helpful chap that he was, the mechanic picked up his green* petrol can and topped up 12 litres of fuel into the bike's tank. The rider thanked the guy and watched him drive off, before thumbing the starter button.

After a couple of splutters and a wisps of white smoke, the engine died.

The problem? The trained mechanic had filled the bike with diesel. Double oops. Turns out the rescue van was not his regular vehicle and on his own van, he uses a different colour code for his fuel cans- green being unleaded.

Moral of the story? Simple- don't be such an arse and run out of petrol. Perhaps the Germans are right and that it should be against the law to run out on the public road?

Friday, 16 March 2007

Defying Physics Part II

As we have agreed earlier, light travels faster than sound.

This explains why some people appear intelligent until you hear them speak.

Flying the Flag

Did you know that if you waved a flag of your national country during the 2006 World Cup you could have faced prosecution in England?

Fortunately, ministers have recently come to their senses and scrapped these ridiculous regulations.

How on earth could you ever get excited enough watching England play to want to wave the Cross of St George?

And so it Begins

This amazingly wonderful country, with population of 2 000 000 (and two...) has slowly been integrating with "main line" Europe and has progressively been adopting some of its central cousins' better habits.

Why only at the beginning of the year it took on the Euro and to date it has been a great success.

However, not all changes are for the better.

Big Brother starts tomorrow.

NNNNNnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnooooooooooooooooooooooooooo.................

Getting Your Priorities Right


Defying Physics

We all know light travels faster than sound, but how come bad news travels faster than both?

The Third Degree

Is what new students can expect if they want to go to university to study for a degree.

From 2008, they will be expected to answer a much wider spectrum of questions on their application, including parental occupation, ethnicity and if they have degrees or not.

Justification for this?

"The Ucas board felt that in order to support the continuing efforts of universities and colleges to widen participation, this information should be made available to admissions officers during decision-making and that, in principle, data on parental occupation and ethnicity should also be released at the same point."

And there was I thinking you just had to get good grades.

Harry Potter

No, not the slightly dodgy rhyming slang meaning, but the character by JK Rowling. It's the last adventure as the seventh and final book in the series is published.

Here at ktelontour, where we have more money than sense (and we can just about scrape together a meagre 12.65€, so we're a touch short on sense too) we have managed to get a sneak preview of the plot.

Look away now, if you don't want to know:

  • Bunch of school kids, who all look in their mid-twenties find a spell book
  • They try out some magic and the geeky ginger kid cobbles it up as usual
  • Flat chested burd shows her magic skills but gets the shite kicked out of her for being a girlie swot
  • Specky blurk flies around on a broomstick and scores the winning goal by grabbing a golden humming burd- God knows why, but he's arse at pretty much everything else
  • They all band together to save the school from the baddies
  • They all get kidnapped and Robbie Coltraine rescues them with his dog. Or pig or dinosaur. Or hamster. Or is it a dragon this time?
  • They all have a big party with cakes and lashings of ginger beer as they win the inter school competition at the end of the film
  • Two of the characters die
  • Let's hope it's the four eyed git and the whiny burd
  • Please

Enjoy...

Thursday, 15 March 2007

The Digital Day Dawns

Digital television is due to be phased in, in the UK, from next year and the transfer will be completed by 2012. After that, no more analogue signals and if your television set is incapable of receiving the new transmissions, all you'll get to see is... nothing.

It seems that not everyone is taking this quite so seriously, as figures show that at the end of last year, less than half the country's televisions (Britain currently has around 60 000 000 sets) are compatible. All it takes is a "digital top box" and you're good to go.

Unfortunately the top box will not be able to magically transform the shite they beam out to you into something worth watching though.

However, if you live in London and the South-East you still have plenty of time as you will be the last to convert. Funny how it's always the same parts of the country that gets preferential treatment.

Happy viewing, everyone.

They Say The Law is an Ass

Just imagine that you are wrongfully imprisoned for a murder you did not commit.

Just imagine that you spent well over ten years in prison due to this horrendous miscarriage of justice.

Just imagine that on being released and only after years of wrangling, you are finally awarded your compensation.

Just imagine then being ordered by law to pay back 25% of your compensation award for "board and lodgings" whilst incarcerated at "her Majesty's pleasure".

Just imagine...

The full story

Binge Drinking

Defined as "imbibing five or more drinks at any one sitting"- although the length of one sitting is not specified.

A survey of all 27 members of the EU has been conducted to ascertain drinking habits throughout the European community and it concludes that the top five "binge" drinkers are:

1- Ireland
2- Finland
3- Britain
4- Denmark
5- Sweden

All northern Europe you will note.

At the other end of the scale, the most sensible drinkers were the Bulgarians, followed by the Italians and Greeks- oddly enough all in southern Europe.

Good to see England doing well at something for a change...

Good Old US of A

As American as apple pie? Don't think so; cherry is the most popular filling in the land of the large.

Around the World in 80 Beers?


OK, so it's only seven so far, but we've got time...

2012

Is the year London, sorry, England, will host the Olympic Games.

Initial estimated costs? £2.4 billion (that's 12 zeros).

Revised estimated costs? £9.0 billion.

And just think, there are still five years to go for even that figure to go up.


Ho hum.

Busted at the Beeb

Blue Peter, the BBC's long running children's programme has had to apologise for faking the results of a competition. It seems a "technical fault" prevented viewers from getting through on telephone lines and so it was decided to use a visitor to pose as a caller and provide the answer live on air.

One of the presenters guffed on about being "sorry", "making a mistake" and "letting people down".

Most definitely a case of "here's one we prepared earlier" then...

Wednesday, 14 March 2007

Weather in Izola?

Seeing as you're asking, it's bright, very sunny and a wonderful 20 degrees Centigrade today.

Luffly.

From Russia Without Love

Need a quick divorce? If you're Russian and both parties consent, you can walk out a free (wo)man within six weeks of submitting documents. Cost? The divorce application is liable to a state tax of about £4.

Russian law also provides for a separation of property based only on assets accumulated during the marriage. Anything owned by the individuals prior to their marriage stays with them.

Makes sense to me.

So...

If a schizophrenic threatens suicide, is it a hostage situation?

Cheers to Fat Harry from The GH for making me smile.

Tuesday, 13 March 2007

Birthday Greetings

To three people born on this day, but in differing years. Three more different people you could not hope to meet and yet they are all left handers too. Spooky, eh?

So Happy Birthday to my father, Sue, one of our oldest friends and currently in New Zealand and of course Bryan, my youngest (and only) brother's best friend who is in the West Indies last time we heard.

Raising a glass to you all.

Finished Your Meal?

As we march on into the 21st century, the government is being urged to carry out clinical research into "maggot therapy".

Using flesh eating maggots to treat festering wounds that fail to heal could soon be back in vogue after recent studies revealed that this type of "procedure" can help speed up recovery times and thus free up hospital beds. Such a cure could cut the treatment duration from eighty nine days to just five, and slash the cost from £2 200 to £300 per patient.

What next? Leeches?

Parlez Vous Foreign?

It seems that a GSCE in a foreign language is at least a grade more difficult than other exams and there are now calls to make the language qualifications easier.

Yeah- brilliant idea; let's ask other countries not to make their languages so difficult, eh?

Or how about we get people to learn only every third word?

Perhaps we could just ask to them to study only American and Australian- that may help the little dears.

999?

Chelmsford, Essex fire brigade were called out by an owner of a lizard that had got trapped within the car's gearbox. Happily for all concerned, the fire fighters managed to rescue the water dragon lizard from its predicament and reunited the reptile with its owner.

I wonder what would have happened if there had been a fire in the vicinity?

Why didn't the owner take his car to a garage to get them to get his pet out? Or the vet?

Surely this is expecting a tad too much from our stretched emergency services?

Monday, 12 March 2007

The Worm Turns?

A new organisation has been formed that will help "fight" for the rights of the poor, beleaguered road user.

Motorists Voice (sic) will initially be campaigning on issues such as road fund tax, road safety and public transport.

I have no doubt it will have absolutely no effect whatsoever, but I wish them the best of luck all the same and further details can be checked out here:

http://www.motorsitsvoice.org.uk/

Woah There, Boy

When asked their opinion, well over half (60%) of road users believed that young drivers should have their speed restricted.

I can just imagine your response to this suggestion.

How dare they interfere; it's an infringement of our civil liberties!

What's your problem? They've been doing this to young motorcyclists for years and yet no one has made any fuss at this blatant discrimination.

This Year's Black, Is Not

Still on the footie theme, I couldn't but help notice that pretty much all the players are now playing in boots that are not black.

Red, white, blue, silver- all the colours under the rainbow except traditional, hard-man, black.

I feel sorry for the kids. Anyone who'd have turned up at our school games in boots other than black would have had the shite kicked out of them...wearing black boots of course...

Top Prize

I watched the Spurs/Chelsea game live on DSF (Deutsches Sportfernsehn) and they were running competitions via the usual phone ins.

Their first prize was a trip to England to watch a Premiership game live, return flights, transfers and an overnight stay at a top hotel. Not too shabby at all, and I wondered which game the winner would select.

Manchester United? Chelsea? Liverpool, perhaps?

It turned out there was no choice and the poor sod would have to go and see Middlesbrough play.



Do they even have hotels there?

;oD

The FA Cup; Quarter Finals

Chelsea 3 : 3 Tottenham Hotspur

Yes, that score line is correct. Spurs held Chelsea to a three all draw after being 1-3 up at half time.

We even had a chance to win (for the first time in 17 years at Stamford Bridge) but unfortunately Defoe's storming shot cannoned back off the bar, in injury time, no less!

Oh well, close but no cigar and I doubt we'll progress in the replay, despite playing at home. But what a game. Well played both sides.

Sunday, 11 March 2007

Freedom of Information Act, Uncovered

What they didn't want you to know: a list of intriguing facts disinterred by the Freedom of Information Act.

http://www.timesonline.co.uk/tol/global/article1471409.ece


Some quite fascinating stuff, if you have the time.

Say Cheese...

The government is concerned at the state of the National Health Service and assembled a task force of its top people to consider ways of improving the service.

After six months' work, the best suggestion was that, "doctors and nurses should smile more at patients."

Perhaps the government should give said doctors and nurses something to smile about?

1.9%? Pathetic.

BT* by DD**

I mentioned a while back that British Telecom* charges its customers an extra £4.50/quarter if they didn't pay their bills by direct debit.**

It seems that the resulting criticism has given them cause for thought and so BT are now offering "discounts to soften the blow".

How about £18 a year?

Really? Cor...

You are over five times more likely to die annually from being struck by hail than being struck by lightning.

Mighty Man

Surpassed only by the Permian Mass Extinction* and the Senonian Retreat**, scientists place the rise of humanity as the third most cataclysmic event in the history of life on earth.

How's that for something to be proud of? :-(

* http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Permian_mass_extinction

**
http://www.palaeos.com/Mesozoic/Cretaceous/Cretaceous.htm

That's Blown It

Traditional light bulbs are to be phased out across Europe in the next two years because they consume too much energy. Instead you will be forced to use the more expensive low-energy bulbs which do not offer as much illumination nor an instant light.

Freedom of choice? Certainly- feel free to choose exactly what you're being given.


Note I: Each bulb can* save up to £100 on electricity bills in a bulb's lifetime, and the Department of Environment said that consumers could* reduce home lighting costs by £9 a year by switching all their bulbs.

Note II: *can and could, not will.

That Was Our Stop

After much campaigning for a bus shelter near to their homes, Barnsley residents finally got their request granted.

You'd have thought they'd have been dead chuffed, wouldn't you?

Sadly it appears not. The bus service had been withdrawn five weeks earlier and the shelter was removed a mere two days later.


You've just got to smile.

More on Fags

West Midlands Police is to help staff give up the weed before the smoking ban hits on 1st July. All members of Plod will be given one free hypnotherapy session to try and get them to quit.

Cost? A mere £40,000 of the tax payers money...

I can foresee the demand of donuts rising after the first session though; thereafter they'll have to cough for themselves if they want further treatment.

I wonder how many donuts one could buy with £40k?

Well, I'll Be Blowed...

The FA have finally given the keys to "new" Wembley, five years over due and at a final cost of £757 million!

Just imagine all that time, cost and effort only to see it being used by the English national team.








I'd be gutted...

Tracing Our "Footsteps"

Especially for Rainy- sorry if it's too small, but click on the map to enlarge.




Speaking of Qatar...



Go on- you know you want to.

:oD

The Season Kicks Off

Moto GP, the only real type of motor racing (F1? Booorrrrrriiiiiiiinnnnnnnngggggggg) started its season today, in Qatar.

Great race, a few surprise results (Rossi beaten, Stoner taking his debut GP win, Hayden {last year's Championship winner} 8th, Capirossi DNF) and it's already shaping up to be a hell of a season.

Next round is in Jerez, Spain on 25th march, 2007. *Does a little dance*

Top Ten at Qatar MotoGP:

1. Casey Stoner (AUS) Ducati 43min 02.788 seconds
2. Valentino Rossi (ITA) Yamaha +2.838 secs
3. Dani Pedrosa (ESP) Honda +8.530
4. John Hopkins (USA) Suzuki +9.071
5. Marco Melandri (ITA) Honda +17.433
6. Colin Edwards (USA) Yamaha +18.647
7. Chris Vermeulen (AUS) Suzuki +22.916
8. Nicky Hayden (USA) Honda +23.057
9. Alex Barros (BRA) Ducati +25.961
10. Shinya Nakano (JPN) Honda +28.456


For a much better write up and a top Blog all round, check this out:

MadTV

Friday, 9 March 2007

Brigade of Gurkhas

Finally, after years of shameful wrangling, stalling and sheer petty mindedness by the British government, the Gurkhas will receive a full pension and paid holiday entitlement in line with the rest of the British Army.

Previously, it was decreed that the Gurkhas would only get a pension that was comparable to the standard of living in Nepal, where the mighty Gurkhas originated from- a figure that is some six times less than an equivalent "standard" soldier.

Whilst Gurkhas will continue to serve as Nepalese citizens within the Army, since 2004 they have been entitled to apply to live in Britain and many have taken up this option.

So how the hell could their previous pensions have been deemed as adequate if they quite rightly chose to retire to Britain?

Utterly disgraceful.

Included in the review (that took two years to complete...), the Gurkhas will also be entitled to 30 days’ annual leave. Previously they were allowed only unpaid leave of five months every three years.

And in case you were not aware, 13 Gurkha soldiers have received the Victoria Cross, 43 000 were killed in the two world wars and there are 3 400 Gurkhas in service.


The new deal sadly does not extend to about 22,000 Gurkhas who were already retired in 1997. They will continue to be paid a pension based on the standard of living in Nepal. Lawyers acting for Gurkha associations said that the deal was unfair and they would carry on fighting to get equal pension terms for all retired Gurkhas.

Good, and I wish them every success that they deserve!

It's Only a Game

I am not going to refer to Tottenham's amazing, away win last night in the Uefa Cup.

I am not going to mention how they won 2-3 against the Portugese side Braga.

I am not going even remotely suggest that this is indeed a very proud day for the North London side.


No, that would be most cruel to any passing Gooner fans.


*titter*

Hell for Angels

Remember I mentioned how the Armed Forces were getting huge pay rises? I also suggested that the Health Care might be tad pissed at only being offered 1.9%.

Well, so far nearly 8 000 nurses have protested to their MPs.

Sadly, it will make not a jot of difference as all petitions are useless.

Sorry, that is not true. Some petitions generate a personal response from BLiar- they are in fact worse than useless.

Smoke Gets in Your Eyes

Traffic Plod in the news- I thought they were obsolete?

From The Times:

Hard to swallow

A man has been given three penalty points and fined for eating a sandwich while driving.

"A Blurk", 29, of somewhere in England, was penalised under laws brought in to stop motorists from using mobile phones in their vehicles.

“I was in control of the car,” he said.

Police said that the law also applied to drivers caught reading, eating or drinking*.


Nothing new there, been done before and whilst harsh, a fair cop one might say.

Although to get pulled up by mobile Dibble is really unlucky- if he'd been doing 29.0 mph through a GATSO he'd have got away Scott free to continue his marauding rampage of potential death and destruction on Britain's roads.

My question though is this. Why is there no mention of smoking* behind the wheel? Because that is legal- yet to my mind far more dangerous, and I'm not just talking personal health here.

Well, One Fan Can't be Wrong

Despite most of you gits believing that the majority of our dribblings are in fact utter shite (it's a reasonable point of view, it has to be said) I can now bring you conclusive proof that we are doing something right. We received genuine fan mail! No, honestly.

I quote:

"Shlesha said...

Hi ,I like your blog, the way you write is really marvelous. Your blog seems popular too. I got your blog’s url from blogger list."

Now, this person is not related, we've never met, no money has changed hands and I think it's fair to assume they have all their mental faculties in place, so cop for that, all you doubters. :-)

For the full post, see below, but I wouldn't bother as it gets a bit boring when they try and sell us stuff, like...

Appreciation at LAST

666, The Number of the Beast

A rather average rock choon by Iron Maiden, a moderately successful band back in the 80s (saw them live at the Hammersmith Odeon, London and on stage they were actually rather good; but that is another story) but it's the title that seems quite apt.

For this is our six hundred and sixty sixth post on this here Blog and unfortunately for you guys, it appears to be continuing.

Wifey keeps promising to post again at some point to raise the level of quality, but until she can tear herself away from her busy schedule, you'll just have to make do with my guffings on.

As you were then.

Blimey...

The UK motorist paid out a £60 fixed penalty fine every fifteen (15) seconds last year, by being caught on speed scameras.

Income from these delightful "safety" aids rose to £114 000 000 and ~2 000 000 of you were caught.


Still, at least you can sleep easily at nights knowing just how safe you are on the roads, eh?

Can't Afford Your Next Beer?


Uncanny

I recently referred to the old enemy, Arsenal (London) and within days of mentioning them, they are once again in the news.

They got dumped out of the Champions League last night and so that means, together with their elimination from the other two domestic cups, FA & League, they will now remain trophy-less this season. Especially as they currently only in fourth place in the Premiership League, some twenty points behind the leaders.

Clearly, this type of posting is childish, immature and not positive in anyway. Bloody marvellous though, isn't it?

Schadenfreude? Not bleedin' alf...Arsenal are just as shit as Tottenham this year.

:oD

6 Little Numbers

Is all it takes to win the National Lottery in England. The stake is a mere quid but the prizes are multi millions.

But exactly where does your pound end up?

Here:

28p goes to good causes

50p goes towards prizes

12p goes to the Treasury in duty*

5p goes to Lottery retailers

5p to the game operator (0.5p of this is profit, the remainder covers operating costs)



*Yip, another 12% stealth tax, although this one is voluntary of course...

Thursday, 8 March 2007

Leading the Way...

The head of the European Commission (unimportant who he is, but for the spotters it's currently José Manuel Barroso) intends to target the ever so hot topic of "greenhouse gases" by suggesting that a limit of gaseous emissions from cars be set at 130 grammes of CO2 per km.

When queried why his vehicle of choice, a Volkswagen Touareg 4x4 pumps out 265 g/ km, he argued that it was mostly used by his wife. He continued to state that on business he tended to use a top-of-the range Mercedes with CO2 emissions of 270 g/km.

Clearly maths was not his best subject at school then...

He also added "I never see myself as an example. A moralistic approach is not mine."

Now, just exactly how do I set about applying for that job?

All Out, Brothers

Technicians at English National Opera are threatening to strike against plans to enforce 45 compulsory redundancies. The proposed strike would threaten the premiere next month of "Satyagraha", by Philip Glass.

Opera fans throughout the length and breadth of the country are distraught and may face difficulty and disappointment in not getting to see the show. Both of them.

Mr Glass.





And his mum.

Oooh, Novel

After I don't know how many weeks in Izola (must be well over four months now) we finally got involved in a full bar conversation with another person. Yes, really.

As you'll be aware, my linguistical skills are just about capable of ordering a few rolls (max 5; I've forgotten the number for 10 since the special offer expired) so the only way to converse would have to be in English, or at a push, German.

It was neither.

I delved deep and recalled a language I've been forced to learn over recent years- American. It was touch and go, as I'm a little rusty, but luckily there was no need to spell anything and with the aid of the Union pivo, we managed just fine and dandy.

Anyway, we met this blurk called Jeremy who coincidentally works at The Slovenian Times, (see link below) and a most charming afternoon was had by all. See you soon, dude.

Best Newspaper In Slovenia

And Today's Birthday is...

Tapio Rautavaara, born in 1915. Any the wiser? Nope, nor am I, but I just loved the name. How excellent is that?

Anyhoo, apparently the multi-talented Tapio Rautavaara of Finland was a successful and famous athlete, performance artist, and actor.

He won the gold medal in javelin at the 1948 Summer Olympics and was also a top archer.

He also acted in numerous Finnish films, and his mellow, sentimental recordings can still be heard on Finnish radio today.

Now you know, cool name and cool guy.

Wednesday, 7 March 2007

So The Germans Have No Sense of Humour?

Friday, 9th March sees the annual "Wok WM" kick off in Innsbruck, for the fifth time.

For our non German guests, this is where celebrities decide to take to a professional toboggan/bob sleigh track using only a wok to get down the ice chute in the quickest time. Top speeds are just shy of 100 kph- on a frying pan, for God's sake.

Further details can be found here:

Nutters on Ice

My Old Man Said be a Tottenham Fan

Well, he didn't. He's more of cricket chap and knows about as much on football as you can write on the back of a list of truths by BLiar. In capitals. But I digress.

As a long suffering and usually disenchanted Spurs fan it doesn't help that our nearest and dearest rivals "Arsenal"* have continually been successful over the last few decades and won stuff. Lots of stuff. Although to be fair, we did win a trophy once when our then manager, an ex-Arsenal gadgy won us the League cup- boy, did we party. "Tottenham" and "winners" in the same sentence? It's like the 80s all over again.

Anyway, now back in England Arsenal are called just that. Arsenal. Occasionally "The Gooners" derived from I guess, a link with their logo, a cannon (cannon, guns, gunners, gooners- look it's not my fault their not terribly bright and the morons can't spell...besides, I'm a Spurs fan, it's not healthy to know so much about the oppo...) but it Europe though, they are always referred to as London Arsenal .

Like there's another Arsenal from somewhere else in the country? Like London only has one team?

In my opinion they should just be done with it and call them Arsenal Bleedin' Lucky, Jammy Gits.


*Now come on, you're not going to tell me that isn't poetic justice? And their current manager's name is Arsene Wenger, you couldn't make it up.

The Mandarin Collar Society

Kicked off today in London (tomorrow in New York) and it is a society dedicated to "the worldwide elimination of the necktie and its replacement with the open collar"

Neckties, it declares, are “historical relics”. Not only do they “impose conformity, invite enslavement, and remind the wearer that his superiors have him by the neck”; they are also a health risk — those who wear their ties too tight are apparently more likely to develop glaucoma. Worst of all, says the group, neckties are pointless, and serve “no obvious function other than as a soup bib”.

So people, what do you have to say now? Was I really a visionary; 20 years before my time?

David Cameron and Richard Branson are boldly going tie-less and guess what? The sky hasn't fallen on their heads.

I for one will gladly be dancing a jig of celebration on the grave of the tie- it's just a pity it's taken so long for the dinosaurs to be dragged into the 21st century who insist on keeping the tie as a comfort blanket to cover up their insecurities.


For more info, drop them a line at: mcs@shanghaitang.com

Tuesday, 6 March 2007

Daylight Robbery

The government is about to introduce a law which will entitle bailiffs to break into your property and seize your assets. The reasoning behind this is because "so many people are falling behind in their credit card bills and can't even afford the minimum monthly payments."

Oh yeah?

And just exactly who bombards people with continual and repeated adverts showing gullible fools just how easy it is to get a new credit card or consolidate all previous debt under one new card with enough left over to buy a new house/kitchen/car/holiday/etc?



If you think this is unlikely, please be aware that this bill its second reading in Parliament yesterday. You have been warned.

I Hope You're Sitting Down

In their preparation for the forth coming World Cup in the West Indies, England beat Bermuda by 241 runs. Yes, that world heavy weight of cricketing Gods, Bermuda, were completely pulverised by the Brits who scored 286-8. Bermuda managed 45.

The Australians must be shitting themselves.

As must the New Zealanders.

The West Indians.

The South Africans.

The Pakistanis...

The Indians..

The Sri Lankans.

Need I continue?

KISS


Letting the Train Take the Strain?

I don't think so.

"Which?" magazine has been conducting a survey on how a train journey stacks up against flying and it concluded that for some trips, the train was twice as expensive as the plane and took more than three times as long. Hardly surprising.

The consumer mag also tried to buy a discounted ticket for a selected trip. Despite being advertised at a fare of £27.00 return between London and Manchester, the cheapest available ticket was £72.00 A touch of dyslexia, perhaps?

What made me chuckle though was the response from Virgin Train; they were informed that one should have tried booking the ticket 12 weeks in advance, when the discounted fares were first put on sale.

Who the hell knows three months in advance exactly at what time they wish to catch a train- because if you miss your designated seat, you will be expected to pay for an "upgrade" at the ticket office or be charged the full fare on board the train.

Mind you, at least you can take luggage with you without penalty...

The Rising Cost of Luncheon Meat

A landmark ruling has been set when an internet company was ordered to pay compensation and costs (£750.00 and £616.66 respectively) for an unwanted advertising e-mail. This is the first time in which a British court has set any level of compensation for spam.

I should like to take this opportunity to advise you all that you come here and I am not responsible for any anguish this may ultimately cause you.



And we're broke anyway.

Telling It Like It Is


Pardon?

A class was given an assignment to write a short story including the subjects religion, sex and mystery with the emphasis on short.

The only essay to get top marks runs as follows:

Good God, I'm pregnant; I wonder who did it?

Back on the Smoking Ban

All prisoners aged eighteen and over will be able to continue to smoke in their cells once the smoking ban in England kicks in on 1st July 2007.

Prison staff will not be allowed to smoke.

Hhhhmmmm, now does that seem fair to you guys?

We're in the Army Now, Woah oh Woah, We're in the Army Now...

It seems that amongst 12 000 recruits to the army, about half have the reading ability of a child aged eleven or under. To combat this, all people taken on will be drilled in basic literacy.

I can just see it now. "The cat sat on the mat. Now shoot the crap out of it..."

And people had better learn quick too, as there will be no promotion beyond the rank of Lance Corporal for those who have not achieved the level of English expected of primary school children.

But if they do that, how on earth is BLiar going to convince them that the war is legitimate? The new recruits will be able to think and read for themselves...

Green Light For Wembley Stadium

George Michael is going to the first performer in the new Wembley Stadium and he has announced the date as 9th June.

Tickets will go on sale Thursday at 10.00 am once they can decide on if it's going to be in 2011 or 2012...

A Breathe of Fresh Air?

Once again we hear about a new study that denounces popular previous practice.

Now we are told that administering oxygen for heart attacks may harm patients, and this has been established in "controlled" studies.

Seriously, they are now guffing on that merely giving fresh air is better than oxygen as "patients suffered less damage"...

I'd love to know just exactly who volunteers for such experiments.


All together now: "Sometimes, all I need is the air that I breath and to love you..." * :-D



*Ta to The Hollies for letting me rob their lyric. Cheque's in the post lads.

St Piran's Day

I know, I'd not heard of the dude either but I gather he's a bit popular in Cornwall, where he's coincidentally also the patron saint of the place.

In his honour, a competition was launched to find an alternative filling to the traditional Cornish pasty and the winner was a fish and chips filling, together with mushy peas.

Old St Piran must also have been the patron saint of bad taste...

*barf*

A Vow of Silence

Since I have ignored my toss pot of a team, the mighty Spurs have won three games on the trot. Count 'em. THREE! :-D

This now puts us into mid-table mediocrity which is something I can only dream of for my other team Bielefeld, who are hovering one place above the relegation drop zone, in the country where they can play a bit of football at international level instead of just expecting to win due to some lucky result back in 1966.

Tune in next time for a swear fest once Chelsea dump Tottenham out of the FA Cup...

Monday, 5 March 2007

Look Out Scar Face- There's a New Guy in Town

Bored at work? Have a bit of fun with this:

How Crim Am I?

:oD

Sunday, 4 March 2007

Smile, You're on Candid Camera

The Government is to announce a nationwide scheme to introduce “talking CCTV” following successful trials in Middlesbrough.

The intention is to "warn yobs and litterbugs they will be punished if they do not stop misbehaving" and if the verbal warnings go unheeded, those disobeying will face arrest and fines.

The next episode of Britain not becoming a surveillance society will follow shortly...

This Little Piggy Went to Market

Kids applying for a passport from 2010 will have their fingerprints taken and stored on a secret database.

This information was discovered from recently leaked internal Whitehall documents...you just couldn't make this stuff up, could you?

And this from the government that insists it is not turning Britain into a “surveillance society”!

I Spy With My Little Eye

There is a new pilot scheme being run in the States that has a digital camera attached to the rear-view mirror of a car. If the vehicle is involved in any kind of adverse driving incident, the camera sends a signal to a remote computer which triggers a warning e-mail that alerts anyone to view a ten second video clip either side of the moment.

This idea is being used to combat the rising problem of young drivers being involved in road traffic accidents by allowing parents to keep an eye on their children in the hope they will not take the chance of “risky driver events” — swerving, heavy braking, sudden acceleration or collisions.

This type of observation is already in place to monitor the movements of lorry drivers.

Despite complaints from the teenagers that their privacy is being invaded, it seems that the scheme is being hailed as as success.


I wonder how and when the Government will try to introduce this type of Spy Ware into the UK to help its motorists?

Sex & Drugs & Rock 'N' Roll

Latest research confirms that alcohol and tobacco are more damaging than the class-A drug ecstasy.

I completely disagree- I can choose to drink and smoke without fear for my liberty, therefore doing an "E" is much more dangerous...




In the same listings, the most dangerous are heroin and cocaine, which came first and second with barbiturates third. Cannabis was 11th, ecstasy 18th while alcohol came fifth and tobacco ninth.

I've Got Fat Bones...

You know the excuse that being fat is no one's fault because it's in the genes?

Well, it seems that a genetic defect may well be cause of obesity as scientists have suggested that "a proportion of obese people have a genetic defect that impairs their ability to feel full".

I think I may have a touch of that too, but in my case it's with beer...

Friday, 2 March 2007

Musical Clash?

Who says a rock guitarist can't take on the classics? Turn up the volume, click on the link and just marvel at this guy's skill:

...amazing-geeetar-doode...


Awesome stuff, but where'd he find space for the drummer?

That's Gonna Cost


Revenge Is Sweet...


There Really Are Some Dumb People Around


This Really Made Me Laugh


Marmite- a Potted History

  • Marmite has been a central part of the diet for 100 years, providing essential vitamins and nutrients.
  • The basic raw material is spent brewer's yeast, a substance whose original and only use was to ferment sugars into alcohol.
  • In 1680, a Dutch scientist, Anton van Leeuwenhoek examined the yeast under a microscope and saw that it was composed of tiny spherical cells.
  • The French scientist, Louis Pasteur, realised that these cells were in fact living plants.
  • Further investigation by a German chemist, Justus Leibig, found that this yeast could be made into a concentrated food product which was suitable for vegetarians yet resembled extract of meat in appearance, smell and colour.
  • In 1902, the Marmite Food Company Limited was formed to merchandise this new food with production based at disused malt house in Burton-on-Trent .
  • The discovery of vitamins in 1912, boosted its popularity when it was realised that yeast provided a good source of five B vitamins.
  • Huge quantities were consumed in hospitals, schools and institutions, with tons dispatched to war-torn countries overseas.
  • During both the World Wars, it was served to soldiers on military duty and was used to combat outbreaks of beri-beri and other diseases. During the Second World War, it became a valued dietary supplement in prisoner-of-war camps.

See, it is good for you...

How Much?

Due to understandable concerns about recruitment and retention to the British Forces, "front line" troops in Afghanistan and Iraq received a 9.2% pay increase recently.

Good for them, they deserve and earn every penny of it, but how does that square with the UK's other professions such as the nurses and emergency services who also risk their lives on a daily basis?

It seems the services in the public sector will only get an average increase of 1.9%, less than half the current retail prices index inflation rate of 4.2%

Bet the Unions are going to be well chuffed with that...

Nothing to Declare?

Tax payers have had to stump up £17 000 as MPs failed in a legal bid to prevent publication of travel expenses of each MP. They claimed that publication would constitute a release of personal details about MPs.

What have they got to hide? And why have we had to foot the bill?

Cockney Rhyming Slang

Not just confusing to our foreign friends but to most English folk too, "Cockney" is an art form. Try your best guess with this fine example:

"Allo me old china - wot say we pop round the Jack. I'll stand you a pig and you can rabbit on about your teapots. We can 'ave some loop and tommy and be off before the dickory hits twelve."*

If you fancy more of an insight, try here:

http://www.cockneyrhymingslang.co.uk/




*Hello my old mate (china plate) - what do you say we pop around to the bar (Jack Tar). I'll buy you a beer (pig's ear) and you can talk (rabbit and pork) about your kids (teapot lids). We can have some soup (loop de loop) and supper (Tommy Tucker) and be gone before the clock (hickory dickory dock) strikes twelve.

Credit Card Security?

Just saw a Slovenian television advertisement showing a credit card company which allows you to personalise your own unique card. You supply a motif or image of something unique to you and it is then printed directly onto the plastic. There is probably something similar in other countries already.

Great idea, but why not take it a step further and have a photo of yourself on the card so that if you use it in person, there is no mistaking the true owner.

Of course it will not foil cloning of cards and the like, but it seems like a pretty effective and simple way to deter the credit card thief.


Or is that too close to the whole identity card thing...?

Thursday, 1 March 2007

UK Addresses

Why are they so long winded?

In theory all one needs is the house number and the postal code. Maybe the city too.

So why do we guff on with all the other useless information?

This Time Last Year

We were panicking big time as we had just one month before we were to leave our home, England and our friends and family to hit the road and embark on our adventure.

I'm not sure what stands out the most for me now- just how quickly the time has flown past, how readily we have adapted to our new lifestyle or how just how much fun it is to travel and see new stuff.

Nearly a year down and we have no regrets, no second thoughts and no concerns. So far...

Citizenships

It's long been recognised that some people will marry a person simply to obtain citizenship of the country they are hoping to reside in. I'm not prepared to comment on this practice in the slightest, but I wonder if this "loophole" holds true for gay unions too.

I do hope so.