C & H

Here we go Again

A blanket of snow will spread across the Home Counties tonight (Thursday) amid warnings of fresh travel chaos and freezing rain.  Forecasters warned up to four whole inches of snow will hit most of the south as two weather systems collide, with temperatures struggling to remain above freezing.

The Met Office issued a rare “freezing rain” warning for most of northern England and southern Scotland, prompting fears of more havoc on the country’s fragile transport networks. Experts warned that a “very dangerous” layer of ice will create a “hazard” on pavements and roads as millions of families look to travel at the start of half term.

Airports and electricity firms also were placed on high alert over the conditions which are said to be the biggest natural threat to airlines as ice ridges form on aircraft wings and leaving them crippled within minutes.

Obviously this phenomenon never happens anywhere in the world outside of Britain, does it?  And places like Russia, Scandinavia, Canada and other regions which suffers extreme snowfalls immediately grind to a halt at the first specks of snow.

GB is fast becoming the laughing stock of the world.

Or Maybe Not?

The BBC has been left red-faced by a court reporting error after the corporation broadcast the wrong verdict from the Harry Redknapp trial.  The public broadcaster’s flagship News 24 channel told viewers that the Tottenham Hotspur manager had been found guilty of one count of tax evasion, but the jury at Southwark Crown Court had in fact found him not guilty of two counts of cheating the public revenue after a 13-day trial in which he was accused of evading around £80 000 of tax on a “transfer bung” of £187 000.

Oops.

TTel

Guilty

Harry Redknapp’s dog has described her five year sentence for tax evasion as “feeling like I’ve had my nose rubbed in it”.

Reclusive bone-fan Rosie was found guilty of having an undeclared bank account in Monaco, but maintains her innocence.

“I’m not the most financially astute dumb animal”, claimed Rosie. “You could say I have no concept of money. Normally when my owner gives me a cheque for £180,000, I tear it to pieces or bury it in the garden.

“I have no idea how this one slipped through my paws and ended up in a tax-efficient savings account.

“Also, a five stretch is a very harsh sentence if you convert it into dog years.”

Harry Redknapp has distanced himself from his former pet, claiming her behaviour is a bad influence on him.

“First she craps in my slippers, then she tries to defraud Her Majesty’s Revenue and Customs officers”, declared Redknapp. “I’ve a good mind to sell her to Wigan”.

Passing sentence on the greedy bitch, Justice Timmins said he had no choice but to lock her up, in case she tried appealing to the upper chamber with her big, brown eyes.

“Bad doggy”, declared Timmins. “Baaad, baaad doggy.”

Rosie asked for two other cases of rolling in fox shit to be taken into consideration.

NT

Fight, Fight...

After Argentina confirmed that a formal complaint will be made to the UN over British activities around the Falkland Islands, Britain responded by branding Argentina “a grass” and twisting the South American nation’s nipples, before giving it a wedgie and flushing its head down the toilet.

The British action has been condemned by friends of Argentina, such as Brazil and Chile, but they are rumoured to be considering withdrawing their support after being warned that they could be next, and have already hidden their budget surpluses in their socks, just in case.

“The Falkland Islands are British out of choice. They are free to determine their own future, but if they know what’s good for them then they will stay British”, read a statement from the UK Foreign Office.

Argentina, on the other hand, claims that the Falklands, or Malvinas as they like to call them, are rightfully theirs, and that Britain is a “mean and nasty poohead who took our islands a long time ago”.

“We were outside one day happily playing with our Malvinas, then bigger boys came along, took them off us and pushed us over. We’ve been banging on about it for years but they have refused to give them back, so we’ve been left with no choice but to tell on Britain.”

Analysts have said that the complaint to the UN could potentially lead to Britain being forced to give the islands back, tell Argentina that they are very sorry (with no fingers crossed), and write “I will not take islands that do not belong to me” 100 times on the blackboard.

But Britain has already warned Argentina that, if this happens, they will tell their friend America that Argentina has oil and weapons of mass destruction, and then they will be in big trouble.

NT

Same, Same, as Ever

84% of the money given to homeless people is consistently given by the same 13% of the population.

Pot Black

Japan is road testing new traffic lights that can be seen by people who are colour-blind as well as drivers with perfect vision.  The signals have been developed by Taro Ochiai, a professor at Kyushu Sangyo University, with the first set of traffic lights installed in the southern city of Fukuoka.  A second month-long test is to be started in Tokyo before the end of February.

The professor began researching the use of light-emitting diodes in 2003, when they first began to be used in traffic lights in preference to regular light bulbs.  Drivers with colour-blindness quickly reported that the LED signals were more difficult for them to discern based only on brightness as the visual indicator.

Working with lighting manufacturer Koito Electric Industries Ltd, Prof Ochiai incorporated blue LEDs with four times the brightness of the other diodes in the shape of a cross through the red lamp.  Drivers with perfect vision will hardly notice the pink X that is set within the red signal, particularly from a distance, but red-green colour-blind divers are able to easily distinguish the contrasting blue X against a background that they perceive as being yellow.  Research shows that the mark is clear even from a distance.

Colour-blindness affects around 8% of males and 0.5%  of females, with most people with the condition experiencing problems differentiating between red and green.

More at TTel

Beating the Rap

After proving in court that there is nothing illegal about setting up foreign bank accounts in the name of your pets to accept money from your employer, Harry Redknapp announced plans for a book to show how you can do it, too.

‘Foreign Bank Accounts in your Pet’s Name for Dummies’ is expected to be one of the summer’s best sellers, and is likely to be spotted on beaches and in hand-luggage across Europe.

Redknapp said, “It’s not illegal, I have proof in this judgement right here – and I think it’s only right that I share this knowledge so that normal people can also benefit from dubious account names in tax havens.”

“Of course, all of the proceeds will be going into my ‘Tiddles’ account in Switzerland – but don’t worry, I cover how to do that in Chapter 13.”

Redknapp innocent

HM Revenue and Customs said they were disappointed by the result, and insisted they would be looking closely to see how they could close the loophole exploited by Redknapp.

“It seems that no-one thought to include legislation that specifically prevented people creating bank accounts in the names of their cats, dogs, trees, cars or favourite television shows.”

“Why they didn’t, we have no idea.”

“Unfortunately it looks like it could be next year before we’re able or stop this happening, so we expect his book to be a massive stocking filler – much like Harry’s ‘carrying around cash’.”

NT

H & S

The average public building in the United States has 42 "Exit" signs.

Flash v HTML5

Go On Then

Eating chocolate cake as part of a full breakfast can help you lose weight, say scientists.  New research says having dessert, along with the traditional fry up, burns off the pounds.

Morning is the best time to consume sweets because that's when the body's metabolism is most active- and we have the rest of the day to work off the calories, a new study shows.  Eating cookies or chocolate as part of breakfast that includes proteins and carbs also helps stem the craving for sweets later.

More at TTel

I Say, I Say, I Say...

Comedian Tim Vine has cemented his reputation as king of the one-liners after he won the prize for joke of the year at the annual Lafta awards.

His gag, “Conjunctivitis.com – that’s a site for sore eyes”, saw off competition from acts including Jimmy Carr (“I know a couple who get on like a house on fire. They both feel trapped and are slowly suffocating to death.”) and Paul Daniels (“I said to this fella ‘Is there a B&Q in Henley?’ He said “No, there’s an H, an E, an N, and L and a Y’.”)

:o)

AeroShot

Too busy to make or buy a coffee?  Try AeroShot, a lipstick-sized tube containing 100 mg of caffeine powder, the same as a large cup of coffee.

Each grey and yellow plastic canister has up to six puffs of lime green powder that is shot into the mouth, where it dissolves instantly.  Makers Breathable Foods Inc say the product is aimed at people with active lifestyles and when it’s "inconvenient for liquids".

What’s more, it contains vitamins, is calorie-free and does not contain additives like taurine used in other energy drinks.  It costs under £2 and went on sale last month in parts of the US and France, where it is made.

Team Building

TOUGH new policies on workplace fun will make enjoyment of group activities non-negotiable, it has emerged.

Sheila also enjoyed drowning

After a recent study found that most workers would rather spend their Saturday in a Texan jail than kayaking with their fellow drones, employers have moved swiftly to stop autonomous thought during 'team building' activities.

Mobile phone company boss Tom Logan said: "We have introduced something called the three-whoops-and-a-yay rule.

"Basically that's the minimum amount of appreciative noises a team member must make during the course of a team-building exercise.

"It should be noted that ironic or sardonic whoops, where there is a deliberate lack of vigour, do not count and may in fact result in a temporary suspension of pay.

"And 'yay' must be accompanied by a triumphant gesture, for example punching the air or jumping."

Travel agency boss Emma Bradford said: “During our last kayak-centric weekend, we introduced cranial electrodes that monitored staff members' pleasure receptors.

"Anyone not displaying the neural activity associated with enjoyment was immediately issued with their P45.

"It was a great couple of days, you should see the photos on Facebook."

Office worker Stephen Malley said: "Surely the way you build a team is you hire a group of people and tell them to work together.

"There you go. Team built.

"And nobody had to get wet."

DM

No Queen for Queen

BRITAIN will pay tribute to the Queen by standing outside her house and bombarding her with music she finds ghastly.

Tits. Off.

The jubilee concert will include Gary Barlow, Paul McCartney and Elton John in a 36-hour lower middle class cacophony that will make Her Majesty wish she was either the Queen of Austria or dead.

A Buckingham Palace spokesman said: "She pledged to rededicate herself to the nation and unfortunately that does include stuff like this.

"She is fond of ordinary people she just wishes they would keep their ordinariness to themselves. If anyone had bothered to ask her she would have preferred a remote control Japanese horse jacuzzi.

"Anyway, thanks for the concert."

Meanwhile, it has emerged that the Queen has asked for the Golden Bong of Saxe-Coburg to be placed on standby for the duration of the jubilee celebrations.

The 24-carat bong, first used by Prince Albert in 1842, was a gift from the Nizam of Hyderabad and has helped seven generations of royalty cope with events including Trooping the Colour and staring directly at the Cenotaph for two hours in the middle of November.

Should the Queen feel the need, the 27-inch tall smoking device will be removed from its plinth in the Tower of London and loaded with grade-A skunk from all corners of the Commonwealth.

Royal historian Denys Finch-Hatton said: "An 85 year-old woman cannot be expected to sit in a big chair on top of a barge and be paraded down the Thames without feeling that she is at least floating above it."

It will be the first time the Queen has used the bong since 11 May, 2010, the last time she had to speak to Gordon Brown.

DM

Knock Off Bargains

Really?

Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer is the most commonly played Christmas song on the radio.

Footie Rich List

Deloitte Football Money League

• 1. Real Madrid: 479.5m euros
• 2. Barcelona: 450.7m euros
• 3. Man Utd: 367m euros
• 4. Bayern Munich: 321.4m euros
• 5. Arsenal: 251.1m euros
• 6. Chelsea: 249.8m euros
• 7. AC Milan: 235.1.m euros
• 8. Internationale: 211.4m euros
• 9. Liverpool: 203.3m euros
• 10. Schalke: 202.4m euros

• The top 20 clubs together earned 4.4bn euros
• Nine of the top 20 clubs saw double digit growth in income
• Barcelona's shirt sponsorship deal is worth about 30m euros per season
• Real and Barcelona are both approaching 500m euros in revenue per year

Who's Next Then?

As Fabio Capello clears his desk at Wembley, the Italian's successor as England coach will discover that he has left a congested in-tray behind him.

Tottenham manager Harry Redknapp is at the front of a short queue of contenders to replace Capello following his resignation at the conclusion of a chain of events that moved rapidly after the Football Association board stripped John Terry of the captaincy.

And when the FA's new man is appointed, there will be no time for gentle introductions or a period of acclimatisation with England preparing for Euro 2012 in Poland and Ukraine in June and matters of pressing urgency to be resolved.

Capello will be remembered for overseeing a poor World Cup in 2010 (Picture: Getty Images)

The FA may be able to muddle through the friendly against Holland at Wembley later this month, but the clock will then start ticking towards that showpiece and the business of putting England in shape to make an impact.

Redknapp is undoubtedly the stand-out candidate. Experienced, popular, with a proven ability to handle big players and personalities plus a knack for fashioning attractive teams ensures important boxes are ticked.

And - crucially in the eyes of many passing judgement on who should be England's next manager - he is English.

Whoever finally settles at Capello's old desk, he must resolve a series of key items on his immediate agenda well before the summer.

Item one will be the appointment of a new captain after Terry's removal ended with Capello sacrificing himself, albeit near the end of a £6m-a-year contract, on the altar of principle as he felt a line of demarcation had been crucially crossed by the FA board, led by chairman David Bernstein.

Liverpool's Steven Gerrard remains the prime candidate to replace Terry, although there is a strong lobby for a fresh face such as Tottenham's Scott Parker, who has been getting glowing references about personality and performances on an almost weekly basis from Redknapp this season.

He must then tackle the particularly thorny issue of whether to include Terry, whose identification with Capello will grow even stronger after his resignation on a policy matter surrounding the Chelsea defender, in his squad for Euro 2012.

Terry has privately indicated a willingness to continue his England career and can still be a formidable figure, although it remains to be seen whether Capello's departure changes that stance. Will his very presence at Euro 2012 provide an unwanted distraction in the light of this disruptive saga that led to England losing their coach?

He must also weigh up what part, if any, Rio Ferdinand will play as his form and fitness falters. Ferdinand is another who has insisted he wants to extend his international career but the new man must judge whether he can afford to take the United defender and Terry to the tournament.

Many sub-plots exist between the pair as two former captains, plus the involvement of Ferdinand's brother Anton in the charges of racial abuse brought against Terry, which he denies.

The new manager must also devise England's plan to cover for the loss of their finest player Wayne Rooney, who will be serving a two-match suspension at the start of Euro 2012. How successfully this dilemma is solved could even end up shaping their chances at the showpiece.

If Redknapp is appointed, then players such as Parker will feel secure in the knowledge they have a high approval rating with the manager. He could also look to Spurs stars such as Kyle Walker and Michael Dawson as the answers to selection questions at right-back and central defence.

Spurs winger Aaron Lennon has never fulfilled his potential with England but may be another winner should Redknapp take the job many now feel is his to turn down.

In among the turmoil and turbulence caused by Capello's resignation, there was
another sense emerging from Wembley on Wednesday evening - one that this crisis could yet be transformed into an opportunity to give England a fresh start, albeit a fast one, ahead of Euro 2012.

Capello's existence as England coach appeared to be a joyless one for much of his final months, despite his public enthusiasm for the emergence of young talent such as Manchester United's Phil Jones and Danny Welbeck, Everton midfield man Jack Rodwell and Walker.

And a phrase applied many times to the relationship between Capello and the FA was "a loveless marriage" - one they were locked into by his lucrative contract since the dismal failure in the South Africa World Cup in 2010.

It is perhaps symptomatic of the condition of the relationship between the FA and Capello that a failure to resolve their differences over a matter such as taking the captaincy off Terry was the breaking point that led to departure.

With Capello gone, the timing is perfect for England to benefit from the impetus that almost inevitably follows a new appointment and the arrival of fresh ideas and a different voice ahead of this summer.

Redknapp is regarded by so many respected voices as the identikit of the manager required by England and his personable nature may engage more with the country's footballing public than Capello, whose use of English was still scratchy despite being in the job since December 2007.

There may be other names in the frame, with those getting a mention including West Bromwich Albion's Roy Hodgson, Sunderland manager Martin O'Neill and even Guus Hiddink, but all roads appeared to lead to Redknapp on Wednesday after he was cleared of tax evasion just hours before the FA's dramatic announcement that their manager had walked.

Some regard the job as manager of England as a poisoned chalice, even an empty one, but it remains one of the most coveted and prestigious posts in world football.
Whoever does receive the FA's seal of approval in the coming weeks will walk into Wembley and instantly find plenty to occupy their mind.

BBC

Good Timing

Harry Redknapp has beaten the tax man and found not guilty of tax evasion.

The Tottenham boss had denied accepting secret untaxed bonus payments from former Portsmouth chairman Milan Mandaric, while he was club manager.  Mandaric was also cleared of two charges of cheating the public revenue over the £189 000 payments.

I think the most shocking thing about all of this is that it has taken five years for the "case" to be investigated and it has cost in the region of £8 million.  All that for less than £200 grand?  Hasn't the tax man any thing better to do?

And of course, now that h has been proven innocent, he's the ideal candidate for the country's manager...

Katie Jo & Mark

Happy birthday to our niece in Sunderland and Helen's hubby back in Leigh- hope you both have smashing days.

You've Gotta Love Stats

TOP SIX MANAGER RECORDS

	Pld	Won	Draw	Lost	Win %
Fabio Capello	42	28	8	6	66.7
Sir Alf Ramsey	113	69	27	17	61.1
Glenn Hoddle	28	17	6	5	60.7
Ron Greenwood	55	33	12	10	60
Sven-Goran Eriksson	67	40	17	10	59.7
Sir Walter Winterbottom	139	78	33	28	56.1

Looking at the table, it appears that Capello was actually a good manager, but what did he really win?  What did any of them (bar Ramsey) win?

I felt Capello was the luckiest manager of the lot and when it counted, again, I refer you to SA 2010, Team Eng-er-land were dire and got stuffed 1-4 against the Germans.  He should have been sacked then.

Strewth

Didn't see that coming, but guess we should have expected it.

Fabio Capello quits as England manager after meeting with FA

Fabio Capello has resigned as England manager, the Football Association has confirmed.

BBC

I wonder how many more fans will be relieved not to have to suffer another tournament like South Africa 2010 and to be shot of this charlatan?  I suppose we'll see Ugly Arry out of Tottenham now and just hope we get a top notch replacement.  All change...

Saves on Washing

7% of Americans eat their meals on paper plates at least twice a day on five or more days in a week.

Mr Paul

Is the General Manager at the City River Hotel and he came out to welcome us personally and to ensure all was well with our room.  After advising him to keep his distance due to my cold, he then mentioned that they had had flooding problems last September and while not as severe as Thailand, the water had broken its banks and had reached the hotel forecourt.

That's never happened before and that's quite scary as it's distance and there is a main road to pass too.

Still, it was a very warm welcome back.

Our Haul

This is what $60 gets you in Phnom Penh on the home entertainment front.

• 22 filum box set of all the Bond titles
• Chicago (present for our Slovenian family, whom we went to Belgrade to watch the musical- in Serbian)
• How I Met Your Mother, series 1-6 
• Big Bang Theory series 1-4 
• Bones series 5
• Modern Family series 2
• House season 8
• The Inbetweeners series 1 & 2
• The Inbetweeners the movie
• American Horror Story series 1

That should keep us occupied for 4 months in Bangkok.  :o)

Toon v Villa

Watched the replay of Newcastle beating Aston Villa 2-1 and I have to say, I'm not looking forward to us taking them on.  3rd v 5th will be an epic battle and I can easily see the Toon strikers scoring at will.  Trouble is, we desperately need all three points in our battle to stay in with a shout for Europe next season.

It's going to be a tough match and one of us will not be best pleased come this Sunday evening...

Washing Back

We used a different wash service centre as our previous place was closed when we went over (if indeed it is still operating at all, it seemed quite vacant) and the new place is a little closer.  We got our stuff back yesterday (at a bargain price of $1/kg, as mentioned) and it is absolutely fine.  We'll carry on using them from now on.

Quote/Unquote

"I know that you believe that you understood what you think I said, but I am not sure you realise that what you heard is not what I meant." 


- Robert McCloskey 

Sleeping Better

But still unable to shake this bleedin' cold, which is now in its third week.  This is simply unheard of and is really starting to irritate.  I'm going to take one more day off and then tomorrow we're off down the pub to drown the bastard out if need be.

C & H

Up & Up at the C of E

Church officials have voted in favour of increasing wedding fees by about 40% and the cost of a funeral service by more than half. The support for the price increases comes despite warnings from members of the General Synod that poorer couples could be priced out of a Church of England wedding.

The price hikes have been approved after there was a 4% rise in the number of weddings in the CoE in 2010.

The church will now charge £415 from January next year, including the cost of banns, up from the current £296.  Meanwhile the cost of a funeral service in church will also rise from £102 to £160, equal to a 57% rise.

The new fees include the costs of lighting and administration for the first time but do not take into account other charges such as heating, vergers and services such as organists and bell ringers.

TTel

Same,Same & No Different

THIS year's snow is the same as last year's, it has been confirmed.

Children have realised the plastic tray they have had for years combines well with snow and gravity

But scientists say they do not know if the latest snow is the same as the snow from 2010 because no-one can remember.

Professor Henry Brubaker, from the Institute for Studies, said: "This is what makes it so difficult to cope and plan ahead. Because the records only go back 12 months we can never be entirely sure what properties snow will have.

"Like last time, this snow is very, very cold - almost as if it's frozen - and incredibly white.

"We also know from last year that snow is difficult to drive on. We think this is because of its whiteness. We did some tests and driving on talcum powder is also quite tricky, especially if you mix it with olive oil."

He added: "But to really understand it, we need to know more about historic snow, so we're desperately trying to find someone who can remember what snow was like in 2010. One man from Derbyshire phoned-in to say that he thinks it was blue and tasted like meat."

The department of transport has already given up on this year's snow but is hoping that, like last year's, it will eventually disappear.

A spokesman said: "If only we knew why it disappeared then we might be able to work out why it arrives in the first place."

The department will begin planning for next year's snow as soon as it has decided what properties it is likely to have.

The spokesman added: "We've been bombarded with ideas so we're just going to pick one out of a tombola. I've suggested it will be invisible but will smell like a freshly waxed saddle."

DM

Top Deck

THE £20 million bonus pool for Network Rail bosses is to be repeatedly postponed then replaced by a former school bus.



The 16:12 replacement bonus service to Fuckyouburgh.


The bus will be one of those old green ones, with loads of fag burns in the seats, no heating and the floor almost entirely covered in pancake-sized patches of ancient, hepatitis-infused chewing gum.

Transport Secretary Justine Greening said: "The bonus timetable has been agreed and there is absolutely no reason to expect that anything might go wrong.

"As far as they're concerned a nice comfortable bonus will arrive into their bank accounts at a mutually-agreed time, let's say for example 16:12 on Thursday.

"At about 17:32, they will receive a garbled, semi-intelligible phone message saying the bonus has been delayed until 18:34. No explanation will be given.

"After another hour there will be a second, barely-audible, phone call, saying the money has been further delayed because of an unexpected shortage of money-senders. They will be asked to go to another telephone, about half a mile away, to await further news.

"In a final message, the executives will be invited to gather in a freezing car park to await the arrival of their money.

"After they have spent what feels like two days in perishing conditions, attended only by a grim-faced man in a luminous waistcoat who insists he doesn't know any more than they do, a piece-of-shit bus will arrive.

"If they complain they will be told they are not entitled to any sort of compensation because the bus is the same thing as the money."

Network Rail executive Tom Logan said: "While we don't always get it right in terms of reliability, cost, hygiene and literally thousands of other things, Britain's trains are still the best places to buy a single massive biscuit wrapped in cellophane.

"If you go anywhere else and ask for an individually wrapped, frisbee-sized biscuit, they'll look at you like you're mental. But not on the train.

"Also, you get free magazines containing pictures of Stonehenge."

DM