C & H

DYK?

Rain contains vitamin B12.

5th It Is

Perhaps unlucky at times, we get what we deserve, plain and simple. Anyway, at least we're rid of Redknapp.  COYS:

At White Hart Lane this afternoon, the home dressing-room will be no place for doubters or pessimists. For the fifth time in recent seasons, Tottenham go into the final week of the season with ambitions of reaching the Champions' League, but only once so far have they played in it. If a fatalistic nature may well be commonplace in the stands by now, the players must continue to believe as they take on Sunderland.

For someone like the captain, Michael Dawson, this is belief despite experience. Having signed from Nottingham Forest eight years ago, he has been at the club for all those climactic weeks, suffering two particular traumas. The first came at the end of his first full season in 2006, when Spurs were a point ahead of Arsenal going into their final game away at West Ham.

The day has gone down as a tale of dodgy lasagne, which – at the risk of letting the facts spoil a good story – was actually a norovirus picked up at the training ground. Be that as it may, Dawson was one of those affected. "From being in prime position, waking up that morning and feeling the way we did – we couldn't believe it, knowing what was riding on it. To miss out on the way that we did that year... It was an absolute disaster.

"I was one of those struck down but I played. Well I was out on the pitch, anyway. You can't describe it when you have worked 10 months of the season and it comes down to the final day. It wouldn't have been so bad if we had lost fair and square but honestly there were five, six, seven of us out there. Michael Carrick had to come off. You imagine running around like that. It took it out of you."

West Ham, loving it all, won 2-1 and Arsenal, playing their last game at Highbury, duly beat Wigan to steal fourth place. The following year, Arsenal – always Arsenal – held them off more comfortably, but in 2010 Spurs at last claimed their place in the sun; and the San Siro.

Winning the final away game at Manchester City ensured a Champions' League adventure, which Dawson says left the players hungry for more: "To beat AC Milan, those kind of nights were experiences and moments that you enjoy and want to do on a regular and yearly basis, nights that stay with you."

Last season, finishing fourth again seemed to have brought a further opportunity, only to be dashed when Chelsea – more gloating London rivals – somehow left Bayern Munich's backyard clutching the Champions' League trophy and took Spurs's place. For Dawson and his team-mates watching on television, that was even harder to take. "You can't believe it. We weren't even out on the pitch to do anything about it. When it went to penalties I thought, 'Is this really happening?' It obviously wasn't meant to be. Maybe this year it will be. We're due one!"

The laws of football, alas, do not cover just deserts. Worse from Tottenham's point of view is that this time it is Arsenal – them again – who hold the one-point lead, with a vastly superior goal difference, despite having been seven points behind when they lost at the Lane in March.

They have the harder part of the fixture double between north London and the North-east today, away to Newcastle, but it is the time of year to have points in the bag and fate in your own hands.

"Now we rely on ourselves and we are happy," said a smiling Santi Cazorla after his team had won their game in hand which relegated Wigan on Tuesday night. "Newcastle have nothing to play for, so that's in our favour. We're going to give our best to win and if we play as we did against Wigan and focus, we will win."

Cazorla has added something to Arsenal's game this season and his quality in the middle of the pitch has enabled Jack Wilshere to rest recently without affecting results.

Today Wilshere may well take painkillers for the ankle that requires surgery and be sent out for the season's last hurrah. Like Tottenham, Arsenal, who beat Newcastle 7-3 in December, have been here often, the difference being that their nerve and their luck tend to hold.

In a season when they were bound to miss Robin van Persie, Arsène Wenger is proud of having already reached the same number of points as last season with only three fewer goals, as a result of them being shared around more equally.

Now Wenger is looking forward to a rare close-season free of speculation about the potential transfers of his best players.

Tottenham, meanwhile, need to hang on to theirs and offer potential new recruits such as David Villa the pull of the Champions' League. For Dawson, who has already suffered one disappointment this week with his exclusion from the England squad, another failure at the last would be hard to bear.

TInd

The Season That Was

In an era of 24-hour rolling sports news, as Arsenal's manager Arsène Wenger says: "We live in a world that needs a drama every day." There has been enough to keep Jim White of Sky Sports News shouting at the top of his voice all season long, little of it driven by pious recommendations last August that the national sport should take its cue from London's Olympians.

Race, having raised its ugly head last season, kept staring and glaring, with the independent panel's judgment on John Terry. Chelsea came out of it badly, then made unproven accusations that the referee Mark Clattenburg had abused two of their players. Reports of some games were forced to dwell upon precisely who had shaken hands with whom, the Premier League ignoring Mark Hughes's suggestion that the whole pre-match charade should be abandoned.

QPR's Hughes only just avoided becoming the first Premier League manager sacked, losing by two days to Roberto di Matteo, who unlike his neighbour had not only won some matches but was top of the table for two months. The managers of three relegation candidates would follow in the new year as panic drove the desire to be around come August for the most fabulous riches yet from domestic and overseas broadcasting deals.

For all the criticism of Uefa's Financial Fair Play regulations – mostly that it would reinforce the status quo – Premier League clubs voted by a small margin to accept some financial restraint of their own, which as only half a dozen made a profit last year seemed sensible.

As for the football, if what turned out to be Sir Alex Ferguson's last campaign was for neutrals too much of a one-horse race, there was interest and romance elsewhere. Swansea City and Bradford City were welcome finalists in a reinvigorated League Cup, even if the game was never a contest. Wigan were popular FA Cup winners, ushering Manchester City's Roberto Mancini out of the exit then falling through a trap-door themselves.

So on just about every weekend of the season, the football world's need for a drama a day was more than adequately met.

Best buys: Michu £2m Rayo Vallecano to Swansea. Arouna Kone £2.7m Levante to Wigan.

Spain replaced France as the place to shop for top talent, whatever Newcastle United thought.

Worst buys: Scott Sinclair £6.2m Swansea to Manchester City. Oussama Assaidi £2.3m Heerenven to Liverpool. Swansea bought Michu and his 21 goals for £2m; sold Sinclair and Danny Graham (seven goals all season) for over £11m.

Most eventful games: Reading 5 Arsenal 7; Manchester City 2 Manchester United 3

The League Cup was already perking up before the extraordinary fourth-round match in which Arsenal found themselves 4-0 down in 37 minutes, prompting a number of their supporters to leave the ground. Two goals in the last two minutes then earned them extra-time and ultimately victory. City were only three points behind United when they met in December and even a draw would have been acceptable, before Samir Nasri ducked out of the wall at Robin van Persie's winning free-kick in the final minute.

Least eventful game: Reading 0 QPR 0. A suitably doom-laden Sunday afternoon affair in which the draw confirmed relegation for both clubs.

Best pundit: Gary Neville. Solid good sense and the master of every gizmo.

Worst prediction: West Ham, Swansea and West Bromwich as bottom three – "Soccer Saturday" presenter Jeff Stelling.

Most headlines: 1. Luis Suarez.

Despite having captained Uruguay in the Olympics, the Liverpool striker was having none of that Baron de Coubertin nonsense. In January he ended non-League Mansfield Town's FA Cup dreams by fisting in the winning goal. Three months later, slowly winning support to be the Footballer of the Year, he took a nip at the arm of an astonished Branislav Ivanovic, collecting a 10-match ban.

2. John Terry: Pipping Suarez as most widely booed player anywhere, Chelsea's captain was given a four-match ban for racist abuse of Anton Ferdinand (which would have been five under new legislation); then retired from international football; missed 16 games with a knee injury; threatened an England comeback, decided against; and popped up when injured again to help lift the Europa League trophy.

Other Bad Boys:

Eden Hazard: hacked at Swansea ballboy.

Alan Pardew: shoved linesman during Tottenham game.

Clint Dempsey: declined to play until Fulham sold him.

Lazio, Inter and Serbia supporters: all guilty of serious racist abuse.

Tweet best deleted: "BUNCHOFTW**S": Ashley Cole's comment on the FA after independent panel found his evidence in the Terry case had "evolved" over time.

Good to talk award: Linesman John Brooks, who told Joleon Lescott to applaud Man City fans for paying £62 each at Arsenal.

Not so good to talk: Roy Hodgson telling Underground passengers about Rio Ferdinand's (lack of) international future.

Most unexpected tipple: Sir Alex Ferguson pours champagne for journalists. (Many of them toasting David Moyes's arrival).

And farewell from him: Riding off into the sunset with Sir Alex, United legends from the FA Youth Cup class of '92 David Beckham and (with considerably less fuss) Paul Scholes. Plus Jamie Carragher, future manager, and Michael Owen, new TV analyst.

Sacked manager with best record: Roberto di Matteo, Chelsea – (last season two Cups); this season won 11, lost 6, League position 3rd.

Sacked manager with worst record: Mark Hughes, QPR – won 1 (Walsall), lost 10. League position 20th.

Nicest gesture to visiting fans: Gillingham providing all 28 travelling Accrington supporters with a free burger and chips at half-time at the Priestfield stadium.

Biggest waste of petrol: Peter Odemwingie's drive from West Bromwich to QPR on deadline day.

Black (country) humour: Wolves fans at Brighton on the last game of the season singing: "Que sera sera, whatever will be will be, we're going to Shrews-bu-ry." And they are – for the first time in the League since 1984 – after some spectacular mismanagement that began with the sacking of Mick McCarthy, who has since revitalised Ipswich Town.

Worst choice of sponsor: Wonga, the payday loans company, to be the new name on Newcastle United shirts.

Most pessimistic mascot: Little lad at Leeds, asked who his favourite player was, nominated Ross McCormack. "D'you think he'll score tonight?" "Probably not." (He was right).

Best support in 5-0 defeat: Bradford City fans at Capital One Cup final. Having already beaten Arsenal and Aston Villa to get to Wembley, the score hardly mattered.

Most clueless owners: Venky's (Blackburn Rovers).

Zero to hero to zero: Wigan's Callum McManaman. His tackle on Newcastle's Massadio Haidara was not only as bad as any this season but went unpunished. Unfazed, he was man of match in the FA Cup final, only to be carried off and relegated at the Emirates three days later.

Worst weather forecast: Polish FA neglecting to close Warsaw stadium roof before postponement of game against England.

Least suitable dinner guest: Reginald D Hunter used the n-word, as he regularly does, throughout his speech at the PFA awards dinner.

Underground, on the ground, Wombling free: "Haydon the Womble" was chaired off the pitch after Wimbledon beat Fleetwood to stay up; until the difficulty of carrying a man in a large furry costume resulted in him tumbling to the floor.

Most creative accounting: 1. Chelsea, after loss of £78m in the previous year, spent £75m on new players and declared profit of £1m. 2. Manchester City lost "only" £99m, so can tell Uefa they are moving in the right direction (previous loss: £197m).

Best fancy dress: Dozens, possibly hundreds, of grown men dressed as popes in honour of leading scorer Tom Pope – complete with the tall hats, colourful robes, crooks etc – in Port Vale's 3,000-strong following at Wycombe on final day of the promotion campaign.

Most embarrassing injury: Oxford United's Adam Chapman suffered "burnt nipple" bottle-feeding his baby in the night.

TInd

Hey Presto

Not so original any more but still good:

Do Me a Favour

It seems that British consular officials are completely fed up with fielding stupid requests for assistance from Britons abroad. They recently said that while some requests are "often good natured", they "can take valuable time away from helping those in genuine distress." Here's why:

• A man who required hospital treatment in Cambodia when a monkey dislodged a stone that hit him demanded help getting compensation and wanted assurance that it would not happen again
• A man asked FCO staff in Rome to translate a phrase for a tattoo that he wanted
• Consular staff in Beijing were asked to help a woman who had bought a pair of football boots that were ‘Made in China' but were poor quality
• A woman requested that consular staff in Tel Aviv order her husband to get fit and eat healthily so that they could have children
• Consular staff in Kuala Lumpur were asked if the FCO could help pay to send their children to an International School
• A man asked consular staff in Stockholm to check the credentials of a woman whom he had met on-line
• A man asked the Consulate in Montreal for information to settle a £1 000 wager on the colour of the British passport
• A number of British Consulates have been asked to book hotels or to advise on where to watch the football

Foreign Policy

DYK?

13 people die every year from vending machines.

Bored?

Learn Klingon in Six steps

As per The Week:

1. PRONUNCIATIONThis is the word for "no": ghobe'. Try it.

No, no, further back in the throat. The 'gh' should be almost like a gargle. And what is this "beeehhh"? Are you a sheep? The word ends with a glottal stop. The mark is there for a reason. Close the back of throat abruptly as soon as the vowel escapes — be'! Cut it off like a guillotine!

2. PRONUNCIATION, PART IIShall we try "yes" instead? You people always want to be so positive for some reason. Ok, HIja'.

Again, you have a throat — use it! Don't let so much air through with that "H." Close the opening; make it noisy like the end of "yechhh!" That "I" is just like the vowel in "big," no need to get fancy, but, hey! Again, there's a glottal stop at the end. Don’t forget to cut it off!

3. GREETINGSGreetings? What do you think this is, French class? We don't do greetings in Klingon. If you feel the urge to say hello to someone, say nuqneH. It means, "What do you want?"

4. VOCABULARYvaQ, to be aggressive; may'morgh, battle array; batlh, honor; 'uH, to have a hangover. That should cover most situations. If you need more look it up yourself! We have taken over the translator at Bing.

5. SENTENCE STRUCTUREHab SoSlI' Quch. This is a terrible insult meaning "your mother has a smooth forehead." Use with extreme caution. Word for word it translates as "smooth mother-your forehead." Possession, like most grammatical functions in Klingon, is indicated by a suffix (here, lI'). Hab is a verb, "to be smooth." The subject comes after the verb in Klingon.

6. WORD STRUCTUREYou could waste a lot of time going over each grammatical affix individually, but if you have what it takes, you can learn almost all of them through a single sentence. Many years ago theKlingon Language Institute held a contest to see who could construct the longest three-word sentence in Klingon, and this was the winner:

nobwI''a'pu'qoqvam'e' nuHegh'eghrupqa'moHlaHbe'law'lI'neS SeH'eghtaHghach'a'na'chajmo'.

"The so-called great benefactors are seemingly unable to cause us to prepare to resume honorable suicide (in progress) due to their definite great self-control."

The root words are nob (give), Hegh (kill), and SeH (control). The rest of it is prefixes and suffixes that add additional information: -wI' (-er), -'a' (augmentative), -pu' (plural), -qoq (so-called), -vam (these), -'e' (topic), nu- (third person plural subject, first person plural object), -'egh (self), -rup (ready), -qa' (resume), -moH (cause), -laH (can), -be' (not), -law' (apparently), -lI' (in progress), -neS (honorific), -taH (continue), -ghach (nominalizer), -na' (definite), chaj (their), -mo' (due to).

So, do you have what it takes? I didn't think so. Back to your subtitles then. Watch this until you've got it down.

Barking

A couple of years ago, my friend moved out to Malaysia in search of a life where a winter wardrobe isn't a thing and you don't have to worry about stuff like moronic bro culture or seeing Kim K's face on television. What he found was a job as a bar manager in an establishment frequented by Malay punks covered in swastikas, wearing Combat 18 (a neo-Nazi terrorist organization) T-shirts and harping on about "Malay power."

Turns out they're a group of far-right nationalists who want to rid Malaysia of any non-ethnic Malays and stop immigration into the country. Which, although pretty backwards and reductive, isn't all that surprising in the current world climate. What was surprising, and kind of confusing, is that they identify themselves as neo-Nazis, are fond of sieg-heiling and listen to Nazi bands like Skrewdriver and Angry Aryan, yet definitely aren't Aryan themselves. And adopting a worldview that specifically discriminates against your race seems a very odd thing to do.     

I was told that one of the most popular Malay power bands is an act named Boot Axe, so I got in touch with band member Mr. Slay to find out why exactly a group of Malaysians are going through this bizarre, neo-Nazi identity crisis.  

VICE: Hi Slay. So what’s the deal with all this "Malay power" stuff then?
Slay: Malay power is important because we're concerned about keeping a pure Malay community all over the Malay Archipelago [the archipelago between Australia and Southeast Asia, believed by some to be the homeland of the Malay race]. I'm a second generation fighter for Malay power. The first generation, who founded the Malay power movement, have been less active recently. Malay power stems from a point in history—the 13th of May, 1969—where the Chinese and Malay communities fought each other. However, the punk and skinhead Malay power movement started in Kuala Lumpur in the early 90s.   

As far as I understand it, the idea that there's a "Malay race"—which is supposedly indigenous to the Malay Archipelago—was proposed by German scientist Johann Blumenbach. There's a lot of contention over whether or not such a race actually exists. For a start, Blumenbach’s theory hinged around the idea that there were only five different races in the world, which is clearly pretty flawed. I take it racism features pretty heavily in your ideology?
We're extremists in regards to the Malay race, but that doesn’t mean that we're extreme racists. It’s not about racism. It’s all about being Malay.

OK. How exactly is Nazism culturally relevant to Malaysians? Malaysia isn’t a country that most people would associate with Hitler and his Third Reich buddies.
Malaysia is home to people from China, India, and foreign immigrants from Bangladesh, Africa, Sri Lanka, Nepal, and Burma. The government can't control the entry of immigrants and we get so many of them. There are so many protests against the government about this issue, but they haven’t done anything tangible to improve the situation. Race has become a focus because of the inclusion of uncontrolled numbers of these people in our society.

How has immigration affected you? 
Malay people have been affected in socio-economic terms. Ethnic Malays also fall prey to criminals who come from abroad and sell drugs and commit murder, rape, robbery, and so on. The lesson that we can learn from Nazism is that we can take extreme racist action if the position of the Malays is affected by these factors. We won't practice overt racism if the Malay race isn't compromised, but, if threatened, we will take action.

So you aren’t openly hostile to minorities at the moment?
We don’t like minorities in Malaysia if they can’t co-exist with the Malay race. If they are good, then we are good.

What about Jews? Most Nazis aren’t too fond of them.
All Malay power punk and skinhead bands are outright anti-Semitic and anti-Zionist. Study the origins of the descendants of the Malay people from thousands of years ago and you'll see that we're connected with the Jews. According to the Jewish scriptures, a "lost tribe" of children from Israel who are divinely guided—which means they must be Muslims—will kill the Jewish Zionists in Palestine. In the beginning, Zionists thought that Native Americans were the ancestors of the lost tribe. Then an American scientist and theologist called Professor Ralph Olsen concluded that the Malay in the Malay Peninsula are the descendents of the lost tribe. This hypothesis is a half-truth. The Malays are not 100 percent descendents of the lost tribe, but Ralph Olsen’s theory about the adventures of a lost race is an interesting one.

This is all news to me. It sounds as if there's an Islamic ideology mixed in with Nazism here, which is a little confusing.
Malay power is connected to Islam. It doesn’t have links to any pro-Islamic movements, though.

So you’re a neo-Nazi movement with elements of Islam and some Jewish scripture thrown in for good measure? I’ve noticed that your band appears to be quite fond of the slogan "blood and honor," which is the name of a British neo-Nazi group. Were you influenced by neo-Nazis from over here?
We weren't directly influenced by British neo-Nazis because we realize that the extremists in the UK don't like Asian people. We just took the slogan "blood and honor" to demonstrate our identity.

Do you listen to British and American Nazi bands?
Yes, I listen to English Rose, Skrewdriver, Brutal Attack, and Angry Aryan.

That’s quite a selection. Do you think Skrewdriver would be into Boot Axe?
No, I don’t think they would listen to our songs.

Do neo-Nazi groups exist in other Asian countries?
Yes, in Indonesia, Singapore, and Japan. In Singapore, there's a Nazi black metal band called As Sahar.

Is every Malay neo-Nazi a punk? Or does Nazism extend beyond the punk and skinhead subculture?
No, all Malaysian neo-Nazis listen to punk and skinhead music.

You get anti-Nazi punks in quite a few countries—do they exist in Malaysia?
Yes, they do exist, but they dare not openly oppose us. They are afraid to speak out.

How are you regarded by the general public? Are they afraid of you as well?
Speaking honestly, maybe some people don't believe that the average, ethnic Malay citizens of Malaysia agree with us. However, we are not all that violent or extreme, as I have already told you.

How successful would you say your movement has been so far?
We make minorities afraid to commit crime in Malaysia. We always warn them not to cause trouble here. Violence isn't a solution for us because we begin with discretion, tolerance, and politeness when talking to these immigrants. If they insist on continuing or if they are stubborn people, we will do what is necessary. We also do charity work for the community and for Palestine, Syria, Somalia, and other countries that are at war. We've also tried to have discussions with the government about how to overcome the problem of having so many immigrants, but we were ignored. We're very different when compared to European and American neo-Nazis, who state openly that they want to eliminate races other than the white race. We start off with restraint and a zero tolerance stance, but we won't keep up this position if the Malays in Malaysia are threatened.

OK. Finally, how do you square being a Nazi with not actually being white?
Most worldwide organizations say that Nazism is just for whites. And yes, we are not members of the blue-eyed, blond-haired Aryan race—our community is brown-skinned, brown-eyed, and dark-haired. We've just adopted the spirit associated with Nazism as a symbol for the Malay race’s response if it's threatened by racial issues.

Vice

Bye-Buy?

Ahead of the climax to the Premier League season, Metro takes a look at the players who may well be saying their final farewells to fans come Sunday evening.

Manchester United’s Portuguese midfielder Nani (Picture: AFP/Getty Images)

Nani (Manchester United)

The Portuguese winger has been frozen out of Sir Alex Ferguson’s starting line-up for the vast majority of United’s season, and while he could yet fits into new manager David Moyes’ plans, it’s likely the 26-year-old will be making his final appearance in a Red Devils shirt if he’s selected at West Brom.

Wigan Athletic’s Shaun Maloney (Picture: AP)

Shaun Maloney (Wigan)

With the Latics already confined to relegation, the exit of stand-out performers is inevitable, and none have excelled more in an otherwise disappointing season than the Scottish forward.
Callum McManaman is also likely to depart this summer, but injury means he may have already played his last game in a Wigan shirt.

Aston Villa’s Belgian striker Christian Benteke (Picture: AFP/Getty Images)

Christian Benteke (Aston Villa)

With 19 league goals to his name in his debut season in England, the hulking Belgian striker is already on a host of top club’s most-wanted list, and Villa will seriously struggle to hold on to their prized asset should a suitable offer come in.

Arsenal’s French defender Bacary Sagna (Picture: AFP)

Bacary Sagna (Arsenal)

The French right-back has become increasingly frustrated with the transfer policy at the Emirates, and with his contract set to expire in one year’s time, his involvement for the Gunners at Newcastle is expected to be his last at the club.

West Ham’s Andy Carroll (Picture: Action Images)

Andy Carroll (West Ham)

The Liverpool striker has become a popular figure at Upton Park during his season-long loan, but with the Hammers unlikely to be able to cough up the cash to make the deal permanent, Carroll could be saying goodbye to the Irons fans against Reading.

Newcastle’s Yohan Cabaye (Picture: Getty)

Yohan Cabaye (Newcastle)

After the highs of last year, the Magpies have come crashing down to earth this season and only secured Premier League survival in their penultimate game of the campaign.

The miserable last nine months for the Toon is likely to result in big-name exits, and the French midfielder will certainly have no shortage of admirers, meaning the clash against Arsenal (a possible new destination) could be his last at St James’ Park.

Manchester City’s Carlos Tevez (Picture: AFP/Getty Images)

Carlos Tevez (Manchester City)

Having seemingly laboured through seven years in England, the Argentine’s Premier League slog could finally be coming to an end at the Ethiad against Norwich.

With the striker’s contract set to expire in 2014, it would be almost unthinkable for him to renew, meaning City will need to cash out this summer or risk losing the 29-year-old for free in 12-months’ time.

Swansea City’s Miguel Michu (Picture: PA)

Michu (Swansea)

The Spaniard exploded onto the Premier League scene after arriving as a relative unknown from Rayo Vallecano, and despite cooling off in the latter third of the season; his 18 league goals still represent an attractive option to suitors.

The Swans will be desperate to hold on to their talisman, and only an offer of £15m+ would likely tempt them into selling, but the Liberty Stadium would be well advised to take a long, lingering look at the forward against Fulham on Sunday, as it may be their last.

Stoke’s Asmir Begovic (Picture: Action Images)

Asmir Begovic (Stoke)

Although Tony Pullis insists the signing of Jack Butland will not mark the end of the Bosnian’s time in the Britannia goal, the writing seems to be on the wall that the highly-rated Begovic will move on to pastures new this summer.

Spurs’ Gareth Bale (Picture: Getty)

Gareth Bale (Tottenham)

Spurs fans won’t want to believe it and all the signs suggest the Welshman will remain at White Hart Lane for at least another season.

But having swept the board of individual awards for his exploits this season, Bale is currently the hottest property in world football, and should Spurs miss out on Champions League football next season, the door will be ever so slightly open for one of Europe’s big boys to make their move.

Letters of Note

As a result of his influential stint as chairman of the now-defunct Civil Aeronautics Board in the 1970s, economist Alfred Kahn rightly became known as the "Father of Deregulation." However, he also made a lasting impression on many due to the wider publication — initially in the Washington Star, and then the Post — of the following internal memo, sent by Kahn to his colleagues at the CAB shortly after taking the helm and circulated as a call for clearer written communications within the organisation. Little did Kahn know, but this document would soon attract praise from far and wide. From Kahn's obituary in the New York Times, January 2010:

It generated a marriage proposal from a Boston Globe columnist, who gushed: “Alfred Kahn, I love you. I know you’re in your late 50s and are married, but let’s run away together.” A Singapore newspaper suggested that Mr. Kahn be awarded a Nobel Prize. A Kansas City newspaper urged him to run for president. And, shortly after the memo’s appearance, he was appointed to the usage panel of the American Heritage Dictionary, a position he held until his death.

Transcript follows. Image courtesy of Nera (PDF). Huge thanks to the wonderful Austin Kleon for bringing it to my attention. 

Image: Nera

Transcript

THE CHAIRMAN OF THE CIVIL AERONAUTICS BOARD

June 16, 1977

MEMORANDUM

TO: Bureau and Office Heads; Division and Section Chiefs
CC: Board Members
FROM: Chairman Alfred E. Kahn (Signed)
SUBJECT: The Style of Board Orders and Chairman's Letters

One of my peculiarities, which I must beg you to indulge if I am to retain my sanity (possibly at the expense of yours!) is an abhorrence of the artificial and hyper-legal language that is sometimes known as bureaucratese or gobbledygook.

The disease is almost universal, and the fight against it endless. But it is a fight worth making, and I ask your help in this struggle.

May I ask you, please, to try very hard to write Board orders and, even more so, drafts of letters for my signature, in straightforward, quasi-conversational, humane prose -- as though you are talking to or communicating with real people. I once asked a young lawyer who wanted us to say "we deem it inappropriate" to try that kind of language out on his children -- and if they did not drive him out of the room with their derisive laughter, to disown them.

I suggest the test is a good one: try reading some of the language you use aloud, and ask yourself how your friends would be likely to react. (And then decide, on the basis of their reactions, whether you still want them as friends.)

I cannot possibly in a single communication give you more than a small fraction of the kinds of usages I have in mind. Here are just a few:

1. One of our recent show cause orders contained this language: "all interested persons be and they hereby are directed to show cause...." The underlined words are obviously redundant, as well as archaic.

2. Every time you are tempted to use "herein," "hereinabove," "hereinunder," or similarly, "therein" and its corresponding variants, try "here" or "there" or "above" or "below" and see if it doesn't make just as much sense.

3. The passive voice is wildly overused in government writing. Typically, its purpose is to conceal information: one is less likely to be jailed if one says "he was hit by a stone," than "I hit him with a stone." The active voice is far more forthright, direct, and human. (There are, of course, some circumstances in which the use of the passive is unavoidable; please try to confine it to those situations.)

4. This one is, I recognize, a matter of taste: some people believe in maintaining standards of the language and others (like the late but unlamented editor of Webster'sThird International) do not. But unless you feel strongly, would you please try to remember that "data" was for more than two thousand years and is still regarded by most literate people as plural (the singular is "datum"), and that (this one goes back even longer) the singular is "criterion," and "criteria" is plural. Also, that for at least from the 17th through most of the 20th century, "presently" meant "soon" or "immediately" and not "now." The use of "presently" in the latter context is another pomposity: why not "now?" Or, if necessary, "currently?"

5. Could you possibly try to make the introduction of letters somewhat less pompous than "this is in reference to your letter dated May 42, 1993, regarding (or concerning, or in regard to, or with reference to)...." That just doesn't sound as though it is coming from a human being. Why not, for example, "The practice of which you complain in your letter of May 42 is one that has troubled me for a long time." Or "I have looked into the question you raise in your letter of October 14, and am happy to be able to report...." Or something like that?

6. Why use "regarding" or "concerning" or "with regard to," when the simple word "about" would do just as well? Unless you are trying to impress someone; but are you sure you want to impress anyone who would be impressed by such circumlocutions? There is a similar pompous tendency to use "prior to," when what you really mean is "before." "Prior to" should be used only when in fact the one thing that comes before is, in a sense, a condition of what follows, as in the expression "a prior condition."

I know "requesting," is considered more genteel than "asking," but "asking" is more forthright. Which do you want to be?

7. One of my pet peeves is the rampant misuse of "hopefully." That word is an adverb, and makes sense only as it modifies a verb, and means "with hope." It is possible to walk hopefully into a room, if one is going into the room with the hope of finding something (or not finding something) there. It is not intelligent to say "hopefully the criminal will make his identity known," because the meaning is not that he will do so with hope in his heart, and he is the subject of the verb "make."

8. My last imposition on you for today is the excessive use of "appropriate" or "inappropriate," when what the writer really means is either "legal" or "illegal," "proper" or "improper," "desirable" or "undesirable," "fitting" or "not fitting," or simply "this is what I want (or do not want) to do."

9. A final example of pomposity, probably, is this memorandum itself.

I have heard it said that style is not substance, but without style what is substance?

Letters of Note

DYK?

Your most active muscles are in your eye.

Clever Cards

1. Psychologist (If only it were this easy)

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2. DJ.

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3. Debt Recovery Agent. Ouch.

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4. App Developer.

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5. Stock Broker.

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6. Cheese Shop (the card is a cheese grater).

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7. Graphic Designer.

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8. Coffee Shop.

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9. Design Engineer.

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10. Ornithologist (love this one).

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